Saturday, December 31, 2011

Getting ready to ring in the new year

And I have so much to look forward to.

Last year, I was feeling much better by now and I was really ready to get to it, but I worried about it too. I know my husband didn't want to have hope. Well, he hoped, but he didn't want to get disappointed. This year, we are entering the year ever so much more confidently. And I'm even confident that despite feasting during the holidays, I have changed. Really and truly. And it feels good to know that.

I was going to spell out my challenge to myself in detail tonight, but it's getting late and I have family stuff yet to do today. It can wait until tomorrow.

But I do thank you my fellow readers of the blog. While I'm writing mostly for myself, it's been nice knowing others are rooting for me and listening to me.

I'm ending the year with 10,026 page views of my blog. Went over 10,000 last night. And almost every month I have a few more page views than the month before. I write almost every day, so it's not tons of traffic daily, but it's enough for me. Maybe my journey is helping someone else besides me. I would be happy to know and feel that.

Ok... Have a happy new year everyone and see you in 2012!

Stats for 12/31/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 181.0

Friday, December 30, 2011

A year ago today I started this blog

I am more amazed than anything that I stuck with it. Amazed that I stuck it out with everything - this blog, the weight loss and getting healthier overall.

When I started the blog, initially I had no intention of sharing it and I didn't for the first few days, but then I realized that sharing my thoughts helped me and maybe it would help others too. So... Around January 3rd I shared the link for the first time.

I went back to reread what I wrote last night. Made me evere so glad that I did journal. I can see how far I have come and it helps me realize how big of a journey it has been.

Here is what I wrote (if you want to see it in place, go to the sidebar, click on 2010 and it will pop up):


Why this blog? Well, I'm doing a lot of soul searching as the end of the year approaches, but let me start with why it is hitting me hard now, more than ever before. I'm 41 years old - just turned. My father died of a heart attack at the age of 42. He was average build and weight, but always had a horrible diet and smoked heavily. Ten years prior to his death he had a horrible accident which I'm sure shortened his life too. Nonetheless, he died at a young age. Just one year older than I am now. While I knew I wasn't living a model life, I ate healthy foods and always felt healthy and strong, until recently.

A few days before my 41st birthday I went to the doctor for chronic headaches. 3 months of every day headaches and before that, months of build-up. I hate doctors. I knew what he was going to say - I need to lose weight, but I didn't expect to hear what I heard (or maybe I did?). Arriving at the doctor's office, my blood pressure was 223/124. Twenty minutes later it was 180/110 and I was allowed to go home, but with a low dose of blood pressure medicine prescription. The next week my prescription quadrupled  (and then later increased double again) as my BP readings continually read in the 220's over 120's. Back to the doctor and with blood work results in I knew I had high blood pressure, an under active thyroid and high blood sugars. Thankfully, my kidneys are/were functioning normally.

I was kidding myself with thinking I was mostly healthy. Deep in my heart I knew I was in bad condition, but I was too terrified to know, thus the avoidance of the doctor for years and years. I think I finally caved in when I knew that daily headaches weren't going to go away and I really was becoming depressed. But I didn't know what direction it had taken. Like, I didn't know I had silent killer blood pressure. I could die of a stroke - younger than my father's death, at 40 or 41, not even making it to 42. I had no idea of my thyroid condition (as I wasn't gaining weight and had actually been slowly losing weight), but I did fear diabetes, which I still don't know if I have or not. As it turns out, I had a reason to be afraid, but maybe I am ready to face it?

That doctor's appointment was on December 3rd. I had been feeling lousy for months, years probably. Within two days, even though my blood pressure was still very high, the headaches were gone AND I was sleeping through the night which I hadn't done in over six years (but most of that time was due to a baby/toddler/preschooler who didn't sleep or woke incessantly). Within a week of taking the thyroid medicines, I started to have more energy (though still not 'normal' feeling yet). I started to feel alive again - and I want to stay alive, where a month before, I didn't really care to live a long life - just long enough to raise my kids. Reality check. I wasn't going to live long enough to raise my kids if I didn't get my act together.

It's a vicious cycle. It's hard to take care of yourself when you don't feel well. So, you just start to feel worse, and then worse and so on. I was there. But with a couple little pills, my life has changed so dramatically that it's an upward spiral. My blood pressure is now perfect. I feel better, so I want to do something good for myself and my body. It's started with simply getting enough sleep!!!! No headaches (haven't had a headache in 3 weeks - a record for me - it's probably been 20 years since I've gone that long without a headache). And getting my thyroid back on track. Now... it's time to tackle what is probably the root of all of it - my weight and lack of exercise.

I've gotten fit before, but I never was able to make it a lifestyle change. I just HAVE to now. What are the alternatives? To die at 42 like my dad? With my dad, he had abandoned us kids and we were grown. I'm the mother of two kids, 5 and 14 who still need me.

I have a year to prove to myself that I can turn 42 healthier than ever. I want to enter that year feeling I'm fighting to stay alive and have a chance to live a longer, healthier life instead of entering it wondering "will I meet the same fate as my father?"

So, the answer to my life is 42. I need to do this  - NOW.

There it is. One year ago today. And I am glad I read it as now I am looking forward to new challenges and I got a bit discouraged with how far I have yet to go, but then reading this, I realized how far I have already come. I'm meds free. I have controlled my blood sugar and blood pressure by diet and exercise and I have dropped all the weight I had planned to. What I have now are the details. Dropping a bit more weight, getting more fit and going for vanity in trying to look better in a swimsuit. Yes, I still look awful naked or in my gym clothes, but I have my health and fitness. So much more than I had a year ago.

Stats for 12/30/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 181.8
Miles walked in 2011: 1010/1000

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Spent part of yesterday looking at swimsuits online

Its Christmas break and I needed a break desperately. From everything. From housework, volunteering, cooking, the blog, everything, but... I'm beginning to wind back up after some much needed R&R. And that includes thinking about my new challenge for 2012. I want to look great in a swimsuit. Or as good as I possibly can.

Fist problem with swimsuits are fitting the breasts. Why, why are swimsuits made as if we are all built the same way? Do we all wear one size bra? No. Then why are swimsuits made with one cup size? A few companies make two sizes - regular cup and d-cup, but that is it and even that is not right for me. What happens to women who at more endowed is that they look like this: . This is when your boobs are smashed. You look fat and flat and not womanly at all. Who doesn't feel self conscious then? And while you are all smashed like that you push your breasts to the side or middle and try to make it look as normal as possible which is futile.

Second problem I have and many women have are skin imperfections. I have long ago faded stretch marks on my thighs mostly from growing and also from gaining weight. And also, of course, my stomach from pregnancy. And now loose skin (but that is getting better and better).

I secretly would love to be able to wear a bikini this summer. Just to say I have gotten that far in this journey to be able to show that much skin. However, even with tons of toning and more weight loss, it will be hard to find a suit that might work. I found with help several designers that makes suits for hard to fit bodies and those that make bottoms that are more full coverage. This first one I love her fabrics. But... Are her swimsuits really for the large busted? I guess I'll see. I love the suit on the cover of the 2012 season. Perfect for the white skinned like me.

Suits that might be better for me and my body type though are from these few companies. The make their suits with real bras built in. What woman wouldn't feel more confident if the suit actually fit her better? First there'd is Panache. . Then there is Freya: and then Fantasie swimwear: . And finally Bravissima swimwear:

Notice how almost all of them that have bigger cup sizes are made in the UK? What's up with that? Same with the best bras. When I get to my final size I'll also invest in more pretty and sexy bras. I'm tired of grandma looking bras!

So... Looking through all of that is motivating me to get more in shape and to get with the program so that I have a chance to look halfway decent in a swimsuit this summer. Who says 40's can't be sexy?

Stats for 12/29/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 182.2

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

So sorry for my laziness

I had been hurling through life at lightening speed the last few weeks, that I just needed a break from all obligations which included this blog. Plus really, what could I say? I was enjoying the holidays which included partaking in the holiday goodies.

I'm still in shock a bit at how much I can gain and how quickly, but knowing more about it helps with not getting upset about it. When I buckle down when the kids go back to school, I'll have a big whoosh and will find in the end that most of this gain was water and I'll be left with losing 2-4 pounds of fat. Anyone can lose 2-4 pounds. After losing 80 in the past year, I'm not sweating small gains as that is life. I will not remain a steady 165 all the time, every day, every month. That is not how life works. So, come every late December and early January I will gain and every mid January to February I will work on losing what's been gained. Simple as that. I cannot beat myself up for living life. I just can't ignore things either like I used to do.

What else? Well, I am formulating a new challenge for the next year and have already mentioned it a bit, but on December 31st I will put it out there for real. I will also have an exercise goal too as its not all about how I look, but how healthy I am too.

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 183.2
Total miles walked in 2011:1005/1000. Yep I made it!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Learned more about these water weight gains with eating carbs

And it makes so much sense. For me, not understanding my body was the most frustrating thing about the water weight gain. I can predict it happening, but wanted to know why it happened. So I asked on the weight loss forum and voila, in seconds I had an answer. I love the internet! My searching didn't lead to anything useful as all I found was that eating high carb does not make you fat...eating too many calories makes you fat - well, duh!

So, I got pointed to this blog post. It explains it perfectly. (can't see the link on my iPad, so I'm double posting it, one with HTML and one without so people can copy and paste if they are having the same problem with seeing the link.)

Now that I understand why I gain so much when I eat sugary things (haven't eaten high carb non sugar things in a year), I'm ok with it. I am replenishing my glycogen stores. Who knows, it might even be good for me to do that once in awhile.

The reason why I asked about it is that yesterday I baked and sampled the goods and again this morning I was up 1.6 pounds, which I knew I would be. Doing more baking today, so it will probably go up again, but now that I understand why it is happening, I'm more at peace with it. When I resume my normal eating and activities, I'll see a big whoosh and will deal with the little bit of actual fat I gained after the holidays are over. I didn't have a sugar binge, but it was more than I'm accustomed to and my body just latches onto it. Our bodies are amazing things!

So... About time to bake 60 gingerbread figures for my 1st graders class.

Stats for 12/22/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 176.6

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Avoided sugar yesterday and now I feel so much better!

I actually ate more yesteday than I normally do as I was getting the nonstop Munchies. I just tried really hard to not give into the simple carbs for food and I ate protein heavy foods yesteday and came in around 1800 calories. Today I feel much more in control over my eating and I don't feel the craving demons nagging at me every second. Took 1.5 days of being very vigilant to get back to normal. And that feels a lot, lot better.

Of course, I need to do more baking today, but it's about over with the baking frenzy. I'll get through it and then phew... Nothing much again for another year! Scale keeps dropping pounds too.

Today I went to the local consignment shop and it's nice to be a normal size as more things can fit me. I bought an ugly christmas sweater and it lights up. It's a size medium and it's even a bit baggy. I was wearing a 2x a year ago. What a huge transformation.

Not much else today. Really wrapping it up for the holidays. I have a lot to do in the next few days, but I love it, so I'm not complaining... Well, maybe a little. Some colder weather would be nice. It's 60 degrees today. When are the two big boys going to get to go skiing?

Stats for 12/21/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 175.0

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

So, back to the plan! Effects of sugar.

I didn't like how my body we reacting to a more loose eating habit. I could feel the call of the sugar and I was feeling more sluggish and my face was breaking out. The scale was letting me know that it as a system wide dislike for what I was eating too. Have I always been this way? And I just never realized the effect sugar or wheat had on me? Or have I just developed a hypersensitivity to it? Whatever the case, it's making it easier for me to never eat like that again. I feel like crap, sleep like crap, look like crap and so on. Of course, now today I'll have to fight through the sugar cravings as my body gets off the sugar high, but I can battle through it. I need to!

I stopped midday with anything sweet or with wheat and today I'm already down two pounds of water weight. I can see my feet are puffy... It's bizarre! But it's also fascinating at how my body reacts to these foods. For long term, I think it will make it easier for me to stick to a healthier eating plan. I just need to steer clear of simple carbs!

Today I'm going to the grocery store and I'm going to stock up on greens - dark leafies for cooking and for salads and then I'm going to gorge on those. I feel I'm missing them something fierce.

My husband is feeling it too. He had a bunch of sweets two days ago (same day as me) and that night he couldnt sleep. He felt anxious, nervous and came to bed at 4:30 am and didn't fall asleep until 5 am. There was no explanation for it, and the only thing different was he had a bunch of sweets that day and especially in the evening. Yesterday he avoided them and he felt much better.

Conclusion? Simple sugars are bad for you. They may taste great at first, but their side effects are evil. So, no more goodies for me and limited goodies for my husband. I'll just make a couple more things, but that's it. Things we always have and the kids love and would feel its not christmas if we didn't have it. But me? I'm steering clear of it!

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 176.8

Monday, December 19, 2011

A victory at the phlebotomist!

I have delayed it as long as I can, I had to go back to the vampire's office today for a blood draw because I have a doctor appointment to review this blood work in the next day or two. I was trying not to think about it that much as the last visit was like all the others save one. 4 tries to find a vein and 2 vampires and it hurts when they don't find it and they dig.

I first had to wait in the waiting room for an hour. Then I realized the vampire who has been successful at finding my vein the last two times wasn't there. Great! So, I told the phlebotomist that I was a tough draw and showed her my good arm and just hoped for the best. She found it on the first try. And when I looked, there was my vein... Popping up. She said, "I don't know why they have a problem. Your vein is right there!". Oh how she has no idea! So maybe losing weight and getting fit is making blood draws easier after all, I've now had two successful blood draws!

The scale is sky high this morning. Who gains 7 pounds in three days? Me apparently! Carbs make me hold water like crazy. And today, I had zits on my face. My face has been mostly clear for months and months. Now I'm wondering if it's the sugar or the wheat that does it to me as usually I have neither or very little of either. And the other night I had restless legs for the first time in ages and ages.... All of this is to just confirm - Sugar (and digested wheat is also sugar) is bad, bad, bad.

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 178.8!!!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Another day escaped me! Tis the season!

That I've missed as few days as I have is incredible. And these past few weeks I have been incredibly busy and will remain so until the kids are home for winter break - which will be the shortest on record - one week. That is it. In a way it's good as my oldest son is a slug, but it's bad too as they would like to go skiing and when? Doesn't help the weather has been so mild. There's no snow yet and too warm to even make snow in the nearby mountains. Of course it is the year they bought a season pass.

But back to be being busy. Yesteday we hosted my husband's office party and had a total of 49 people in the house. It was a ton of fun and kind of amazing that we were able to get the house ready in one not so rushed afternoon. We even had time to shower and put up a few more decorations. It was potluck, so no major food stuff, but enough to get set up so it was comfortable and safe for everyone - things like dusting off the kids toys in the basement. Moving chairs around and even moving the Christmas tree in a more out of the way place. Chillin drinks, and so on.

The day before was spent, remember, baking like a mad woman. First my mother in law made a dessert and since she never works in the kitchen, she asked me to be nearby if she needed to find something. Then I volunteered at the school for an hour like I always do. Then it was show time in the kitchen. All that biscotti, chocolate chip cookies and 4 large German Christmas stollen. I got all the baking done, but still needed to clean up the kitchen. That was priority number one on Saturday morning. As you can imagine what my kitchen looked like with all day of cooking - a nice cooked meal thrown in there too.

But something else about these last couple days. I have slept like crap and I don't know why. Was it late night caffeine? Was it excitement? Was it too many carbs? I don't know.

I have eaten way, way, way more than I have in eons. And several days in a row. The whole point of making this month a maintaining month. There are just too many goodies I really want and denying myself them will just make me feel like I'm missing out on something. I also know that I'll be right back to eating right as soon as the big holiday events are over. I can feel that I'm in control, just choosing to eat differently. There is a big, big difference.

Tomorrow will be a more normal day. I have some things to do and part of that will include planting the rest of the bulbs. Who would have guessed that I would get another shot at that. The weather is supposed to be mild, so I'll put it to good use. Might get a haircut too and errands, as always.

One week until Christmas.... And I have no idea what I weigh today. I ate and drank before weighing myself as I was up in the middle of the night. Tomorrow might be a big eye opening shock!

Beginning wight: 255.6. Now: ???.?
Total miles walked in 2011: 987/1000

Friday, December 16, 2011

Sorry for skipping a day! Busy! And a possible new goal!

I've been super busy. We have a party tomorrow (Saturday) and I've been a mad woman getting things in order. The house was already in order, but I made a gingerbread house covers for the playhouse and today I lived in the kitchen - 12 hours to get dinner, stollen, chocolate chip cookies and biscotti made. Not even for tomorrow, but for Sunday. I won't have time to do all that stuff tomorrow as tomorrow it will be readying the house for 45-50 guests - moving furniture around, filling ice chests, etc. That I'm in bed and feel I'm in a good spot at 10:30 pm tonight is a good sign.

Today was also a planned high calorie day - one of the days I knew I would go over during the holidays. I was baking, so I sampled some biscotti batter (yum) and plenty of chocolate chip cookie dough. Batters are my weakness, so the actual sweets wont be much of a temptation for me. It's better that way too as treats last for days and days. Baking of them lasts for only an hour or two and with yeast doughs, even sweet doughs, you can't sample the dough, so breads arer a very small temptation for me.

Something else I'm thinking about too. I was looking at myself in the mirror today in my bra and panties and I think just maybe I might see how I look in a bikini this summer. I'm giving myself 6 months to tone up and drop the few extra pounds and see if there is anything out there that is somewhat flattering. I will have stretch marks which extend above my belly button (second childbirth gave me those high ones. Huge baby - more stretch marks). But really, should stretch marks keep me from a bikini? If for one year in my 40s and at that mental block age of 42 be the year to stare at death and say - "Not yet. I'm fit and healthy and strong. And I can rock a bikini at about the same age my estranged father was facing his death."

We'll see. But it's a good goal to work towards and having a goal helps me! But now... Sleep. I need it!

Beginning weight: 255.6 Now: 171.6
Miles walked in 2011:977/1000

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I think I will head back down to the basement

Getting to the gym these days is difficult. I have a commitment at noon at the school for volunteering and so much to do at home, that taking the time to drive to the gym, dress for it, do the class and come back, shower and redress just takes too much of my precious day. But I can commit to myself to work out in the basement. I have some great workout videos and no reason not to do them. So.... I vow that tonight I will do some strength training in the basement!

Today I am wearing a new pair of pants and new sweater. The cords I had were the ones I could pull down without undoing, so I bought some new cords and matching sweater. Well fitted clothes make you look better and slimmer. And damn, I'm beginning to look pretty good! I havent seen so little flab on my body for a very long time. I can wear almost anything I want as long as it covers my stretch mark streaked belly and the loose skin and something that allows a bra so I can support my chest. So, a bikini might not be my outfit of choice!

Lots to do today. Readying for Christmas and for a holiday party. But I love this time of year!

Beginning weight: 255.6. now: 172.6

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Realizing how long it has been

Since I have stepped into the gym.... That wasn't a habit hard to quit! I was doing some hard labor around the yard and house, but not the last few days. I need to get my butt back in gear! There is just so much other stuff going on right now that it's really easy to get sidetracked. There really are only so many hours in the day and giving up a few for getting to the gym is really making it hard to be motivated to get there! But I must! But when? Hmmmm...

On a side night, I think ovulation has passed and therefore the weight is leaving me starting today. Not sure I'll get out of the 170s this cycle or not, but fingers crossed that it might happen.

Stats for 12/14/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 173.4

Monday, December 12, 2011

A fairly significant conversation could be TMI for some

My husband is having to figure out our medical expenses for next year to decide what dental, eye and primary care plans we should go with. He also needs to decide how much to have withheld pretaxes for medical expenses too. So, he is figuring out things like, will we need new glasses? Do we anticipate any major dental, etcetera. He started talking about major medical too, like our youngest son needs hernia surgery, but then he surprised me. He said, "And well, I should probably think about finally getting that vasectomy."

I laughed at him. Our youngest son is 6.5 years old. I am 42 years old. He had allllllll this time to get it done. And, it took us 2.5 years to conceive that child when we were trying to get pregnant. And since then we are always, always, always careful. He said, "Well, I know it seems sort of odd to think about it now when I've waited all this time, but since our sex life has picked up quite a bit, the risks have too." Though he admits the risks a very small considering we arer careful.

But, things have changed for us romantically. While my husband never, ever said anything negative about how I looked or anything about my weight, I knew how he felt about it and I knew it affected his attraction to me. I just underestimated how much it bothered him.

Not only has our sex lives improved, he has said "I love you" three times in the last couple months when I hadn't heard it for years and years before that. And, he is less stressed and just more pleasant to be around.

Now, he has always been good to me, but my weight bothered him on so many levels. It affected his attraction for me, but more, it worried him about our future. Recently we were talking and I said that having a 5 year old and a teenager was a big motivator for me to get my health in order. He replied, "well, and you had a young husband too." he worried about losing me.

He had to just stand by and watch me destroy my health all these years - making bad food choices, being inactive. He knew I would snap at him if he said anything and so what could he do? I feel really bad about that.... But I felt helpless about it too.

And I am so thankful that I have a supportive husband who is making it easy for me to make the right decisions. He never asks for junk food. He loves healthy foods. He never chows down on crap. He will grab a piece of fruit. And he likes to be active and loves that we can be active together now. I am very lucky in that way.

It is true some people will say, "but he should love you no matter what size or shape." and he did love me. But what has changed is that now he feels more loved. By me taking care of myself, I am showing my partner that I care about him and our future. I get that and from now I will always keep that in mind. We have something pretty special and I want to keep that something for a long time.

Stats for 12/12/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 173.8

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Well, good thing today happened today and not yesterday

What do I mean? Well, I woke up this morning barely needing to pee despite drinking a lot before going to bed. I knew that would mean a big gain on the scale and yep, sure enough, up 1.8 pounds from yesterday. My ovulation gain, right on time. And, because of it, I again weigh more than my husband. I just had to laugh about it.

I did eat a bit more yesterday, but only by a wee bit. About 1850 calories and that included a piece of cake. Nothing to worry about and it was a very good, yummy food day. However, I can't mess with mother nature and that internal clock. My body is gearing up to ovulate. So this morning, there it begins. I was so happy that waited until the day after my birthday. How very kind of my body.

Today was a good day. I wore a new dress (can say that a lot these days as I had to build a whole new wardrobe), but 4 dresses is hardly a lot and all of them I got on huge sales. Every time I get a bit dressed up I think about how I need to take a new photo for the 80 pounds lost, but I always forget or it's a bad time. But very, very soon. I can't decide of its better for me to be wearing a dress or pants to show my progress better. But dressed, yes!

And now to finish out is year. Back to the gym this week as my mad cleaning around the house is all over. I actually miss the gym!

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 172.8

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The answer is 42, but what is the question?

Well, today is it. My 42nd birthday. This is the year of why could be if.... My father died when he was 42 years old. He was 42 and and half. I don't know much about his life or health as he left us kids and didn't have contact with us, but I know he never had a weight problem. He was a fairly heavy smoker and had been smoking since his mid teen years. He had a horrible diet of fried foods and 10 years before his death, he had a very serious accident that was miraculous that he survived (and I'm sure that contributed to his short life). He died of a heart attack. 42 years old and a heart attack. He had one, was in the hospital and then had another that killed him while at the hospital recovering from the first very serious attack. Knowing this as his child is a bit scary.

My mom went through menopause when she was 42. Completely done. That too is early and a bit scary for me. Not that I plan to have any more kids, but going through menopause early means that my bones are more at risk for osteoporosis. And since I didn't drink milk as a baby or young child, I think I'm at a greater risk. My maternal grandmotheer suffered from osteoporosis too, so there is hereditary risk too.

So what was I doing with my life, knowing all this? I was fat and unfit and eating a semi unhealthy diet. I was avoiding everything even though I had warning signs of problems. I was just afraid and didn't want to face anything hard.

Well, you all know I had a health wake up call. I got really scared. My husband was scared too. I was still 40 years old when I got word that my health was in a really bad place and I had a 14 year old and a 5 year old child. Hello?? I owed it to all of them to be healthy.

So, it started. A year ago today I weighed 260 pounds. I remember as I had gained a few since Thanksgiving. I lost those 4 pounds by New Year's when I started the exercising. I started by just watching my sugar intake, but I needed to feel a bit better before I started the exercise. That came a bit later.

I weigh, as of this morning, 171.0 pounds. 89 pounds less than I did last year! Nearly ninety pounds!!! If you would have told me last year that this was even possible, I would have said you were lying! No way could it happen! But here I am.

And as the ultimate gift, for the first time ever in my just shy of 19 year relationship with my husband, I weigh less than he does. This is no easy feat as he is thin and the most he's ever gained is 25 pounds which still had him within a normal BMI for his height. And he has lost 20 pounds this year. Yesterday it was close. He weighed 170.8 and I weighed 171.4. That was the lowest he had been in a month and it was my all time low. Today he was back up to 172.4 (where he has been recently) and I was down to 171.0 on the nose. You cannot imagine how huge that feels. He has a smaller build and I have a larger build, so there should never be a huge diffence in our weights, but I "should" weigh less than him and I never have! Until today, on this very significant birthday.

I am now doing all I can to make my life healthier. I eat better. I have dropped the weight and continue to try to do better and I have increased my fitness level. I can't know what my future will bring. I could go through menopause early too. I could die of a heart attack at a young age too, but at least I can know and my family can know that I tried to do things to make the risks lower.

So 42... Here I am.... I may not know the question, but I'm ready with my healthier answer to this year. This year will be the year of maintenance and fine tuning my health and weight. The big job is done. The harder part (maintenance) still needs to be tested.

Stats for 12/10/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 171.0

Friday, December 9, 2011

One day before the big birthday

Well, here I am one day before my 42nd birthday and I feel really good. I have spent the last two weeks or so tearing my house apart and decluttering as I go. Every drawer, every cupboard, every closet. Completely torn apart (except for my husband's study and that won't escape my touch either. I just need his help and ok to help organize). So, that makes 3 bedrooms, a craft room, a family room, a dining room, and kitchen and a mud room. Today I hit the garage which I did this summer, so that will be a minor tidying of stuff we got out for fall cleanup and last will be the storage room in the basement. And I saved that for last as I knew things from others rooms would land down there. Not sure when I will get to the basement. I might wait until the holiday stuff comes down and gets put away. Anyway, I am ending this year with a clean and tidy home. Feels so great.

With that all done, I hope to finally hang pictures on the wall and hanging curtains in the rooms. We have lived here for two years and we haven't done that yet! 6 months was remodeling, but then my health fell apart and I felt horrible. I started to feel better, but my priorities shifted to me and not to the house. Throw in the two months of people having pneumonia and we got behind on everything. We are finally catching up and even getting to deep cleaning.

That is the good news. The not very good news is that my blood pressure has gotten high again. I don't know why. It could be my thyroid acting up or it could be that I couldn't completely control my blood pressure by diet and exercise any more. Readings have been between 150/90 to 160/95. Not scary high like it was last year, but high enough that I need to take medications for it.

I have to admit, this really bummed me out. I have been doing so much good for my body and health, but I couldn't make it perfect. It got perfect, but something changed. Dropping nearly 85 pounds in 12 months hasn't done it. Exercising regularly hasn't done it. But I have to look at it positively. It could be much higher and I could need a higher dose and maybe, just maybe it can get better if it's still my thyroid acting up. We will see as I have my doctor appointment next week.

Stats for 12/9/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 171.4

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Figuring out this food balancing act

You would think at being almost 42 years old and really understanding the whole what goes in should go out principle that it wouldn't take me so long to get it, but I finally get it. Or, I should be honest, I finally care enough to do something about it. What am I talking about? Well, yesterday I was hungry in the early afternoon. I grabbed a quarter cup of trail mix (half nuts, half dried fruits). Well, I wanted more. So, I had to make a choice. I could have more of those, but that meant giving something else in the day. In the end I ate 3/4s of a cup of that plus a nutrition bar and called that my early dinner. It wasn't a terrible choice nutritionally and I didn't go over my calories for the day this way. For dinner I just ate a garden salad. Today I was craving potato chips. I haven't had potato chips in a year. But I really wanted them, so instead of breakfast of apple with peanut butter, I had some potato chips. An odd breakfast, but now I have satisfied that salt craving and I can move on and not think about it. In the past, I would have eaten the apple with peanut butter and the chips. But I need to make a choice and hopefully most of the time, I will make the better nutritional choice. It's what I've been doing with special occasions too. I enjoy the special meals, I just cut back the rest of the day. So far that has worked as I get really full and don't even want to eat more later and sometimes I'm not even that hungry the next day. That is something that has changed for sure. I used to be just as ravenous later or the next day. Stats for 12/8/11: Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 173.0

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Well, I think I can officially say I'm down another size

Last night when I went to the bathroom, I undid my belt and thought I undid my pants, but when I got up and started to do up my pants, I realized I had slipped them down over my hips without undoing the button and the zipper. These a a 12. About 1/3 of my pants are 10s but those are brands that tend to run generous, but today sealed it. I went to TJmaxx to find a little something for my older son for under the Christmas tree as he's getting a computer for Christmas, but he will start using it before Christmas as his old computer isn't usable. Anyway, while I was there, I decided to look at pants for me as my selection is getting limited at home. I grabbed three 10s and one 8. One ten was a bit baggy! Two tens fit perfectly and the size 8 fit perfect (I could tell it was a generous cut.) all different brands and not even a muffin top on the waist, so they are not too tight. Wow! From a tight 20 to a 10 and some 8s.

I remember a bit over a year ago how thrilled I was that I got to an 18 in some brands (remember I had lost 10 pounds the year before). It felt so good to be able to get out of the 20s and now there is a good possibility I'll get down to single digits? Me? With vanity sizing that would be what used to a 12 if I can fit into 8s when I get to goal. Currently at a 10 which is a former size 14. That is the smallest size I could imagine getting into ever again.

Last night I tried to recall when I weighed 165. I have no idea. I think between 16 and 17. The only weights I recall are 145 at just turning 15 (and still growing and filling out, but I was thin) and 18.5 and graduating from high school and weighing 179 full dressed, so about 175. And I was a bit chubby.

It's really hard to fathom getting to the size I was at 16 and 17, but here I am.... Inching closer and closer!

Stats for 12/7/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 173.2

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

My deep thought about perfection

I was reading on a forum yesterday and I ran across a posting where someone said that one of the problems with many people's thinking is this all or nothing mentality. And tht got me to thinking as it is so true. And it goes around about so much of our thinking. I know I tend to be that way. Like, I can't just clean a little. I have to do the whole thing. I can't just plant 10 bulbs for spring planting a day Instead of over a course of several days. No, I plant 180 in one day. Weight loss is a lot the same way, but, it can be tempered and that is what I am at least trying to do.

I don't understand it as I am usually a very shades of gray person in my thinking. But I either didn't care or I cared completely. And I'm trying to temper that by being ok with date nights and special occasions, but it's difficult to fight the all or nothing demons.

I see it on weight loss forums all the time too and I wonder if that is why there is such high failure rates with weight loss. First, people go from eating whatever to being too restrictive. They can't seem to find that middle ground. And then if they can lose enough to get close to goal, they feel like a failure if they can't get or don't get to the perefect, ideal weight. And is that healthy thinking? Especially for someone who was morbidly obese? Isn't it far better to weigh 250 than 300? Isn't that in itself a smaller burden on the heart and joints? Is it perfect? No, but it's in the right direction! And why do we seem to feel it has to be done all once? Why do we feel this nneed to take it all ofF in a year or in one stretch when it took us years to gain all that weight in the first place?

And it is ok to lose slowly. And more and more research suggests that this slower pace might make it easier to keep it off. I know for myself that I only did what I felt was maintainable. And it will probably take me a year or so to drop the last little bit and get to where I will stabilize and I'm ok with that. I will not starve myself down to my end weight. Which is why I am also not going to sweat maintaining or even a slight gain during the holidays. Life is joined with food - worldwide it's a part of our culture and a big part of special occasions. So what if I don't eat perfectly every day? I just need to have it balance itself out so that in the end, I eat a bit less than I burn and eventually to find that equilibrium.

This all or nothing mentality gets a little weird to me when people select their goal weights. Especially for those morbidly obese. It is extremely daunting to be that heavy and to look at such a huge number to lose. It can be so daunting it can keep people from losing even 20 pounds and even that is an improvement! It all counts!

So that is part of the reason I chose a higher end weight. I knew that at 175 I could probably get there and maintain that. Once I got there, I realized the weight was still coming off easily so why not see where it goes from there. Now I would like to get it to 165 and beyond that is a big what if. If I do, I do. If I don't, don't. I'm going to take away from this that I did a huge thing for my health by getting fit and losing weight and if I'm still 10-15 pounds overweight? So be it. I could be 120 pounds overweight. I don't need to be at an ideal weight to feel proud of how far I've come. Being active and fit is the most important to me.

Stats for 12/6/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 174

Monday, December 5, 2011

Have some deep thoughts but they'll have to wait

Its late so I won't type them up tonight, but I got to thinking a bit today about weight loss and the pursuit of perfection. But, I'm tired. My iPad was acting up today so I'll leave it short tonight.

Today I planted bulbs. I planted 90 tulips, 90 crocuses and 30 anemones. I am already feelings but of soreness in my neck near where I had that neck strain. Sure hope it's nothing. I still need to plant 60 anemones and 20 alliums. Not sure when I'll get to those as its supposed to rain, but at least I got done what I did! I've wanted to plant bulbs for probably 10 years and this is the first time I actually did it! I've probably tossed out 100 or so bulbs in the pt as I always had the best intentions, but never got it done. Being healthier and fitter makes a big difference.

Stats for 12/5/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6 Now: 175.4
Total miles walked in 2011: 967/1000

Sunday, December 4, 2011

So busy yesterday that I missed an important date!

Yesterday, one year prior was when I had a doctor‘s appointment. It was the first appointment that I had made 6 weeks prior because of daily, nonstop headaches. I was afraid to go to the doctor because I was afraid of what he would say. I knew I had a weight issue and I was pretty sure I was having sugar issues, but I didn't want to know. It was only daily, all day pain that got me to finally do the smart thing. And now I'm so thankful for those terrible headaches. Without that, where would I be today?

So, it was a year ago yesterday that I discovered my blood pressure was sky high. Readings were around 230/120. When I left the office it was 190/100 something. I started taking blood pressure meds and within three days the headaches were gone. And besides twice having random headaches and that neck strain for a month, I have been headache free for the first time in decades. It was a week or so later around December 11th that I discovered that my thyroid and cholesterol and blood sugars were out of whack. And then it was when I finally started to feel better with normal blood pressure that I realized I was ready to change things around which just happened to coincide with the New Year.

And here I was a year later at my lowest adult weight ever, getting fairly fit, with normal blood sugars, good cholesterol levels, good blood pressure, and all drug free. The reality I feared was not as scary. I had dreamed it would be. I was my own worst enemy.

With all that said, the scale was up a random 2 pounds this morning and I think it will go even higher tomorrow. Go figure, but I know it's all a fluke and will come back down again as everything is under control.

Stats for 12/4/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 175.0

Saturday, December 3, 2011

3 events done 8 to go!

Yep, that is what I said. Three done and 8 to go until our holiday season is over. And it will be a tough go to stay on track for each and everyone of those days and events. Today I hosted an old fashioned holiday event. We had lunch, chatted, listened to Christmas carols and then made crafts. It was relaxed and fun. I ate so much at that during lunch, that I wasn't hungry the rest of the day, but just that meal was 1300 calories. I ended the day around 1800 calories, so not bad at all for a special event day

I love the holidays so much. I love the decorations. I love the music. I love making crafts and all that stuff. So, getting ready for this party was fun. I first worked on all the "need to do things". And started a big project that had the timing all off. So, with the big project done, I started decorating for the party Friday after the kids got home from school. Plenty of time, right?

Well, first, I wanted to put up the holiday lights. The outlet outdoors doesn't work... No juice? Then, when I went to put up the real Christmas tree, I discovered the stand was broken! What?. And then this morning while putting up the artificial tree I discovered part of the lights were out on the artificial tree. I was about ready to lose it, but fortunately had spare lights I could put on the tree for now until I can get a better look at the problem.

The party itself was fun. But now I'm exhausted. Typing in bed beforee hitting the sack. I have another big day tomorrow.

Stats for 12/3/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. now: 173.0

Friday, December 2, 2011

The extra little motivation to help me through the holidays

I realized last night while getting ready for bed that I weigh very closely to what my husband weighs. Is morning when we weighed in, it was confirmed, my husband gained a wee bit over thanksgiving and he weighs 172.8. My weigh in this morning was 174.2. That is just one and a half pounds different! I can so do that.

Of course my husband said, "Well, I'm not going to stand by and just watch you catch up. You'll have to try to catch me!". His goal is to get to 165. My new goal too. I bet I'll get there fastere than he will because I'm more disciplined. He'll grab snacks and goodies and grab a glass of wine with dinner, but how long will it take me to get to 170? I'm. Not really in a race and I'll just keep doing what I've been doing with exercise and diet... Slowly but steadily getting there with eating right, but I've got momentum on my side.

Speaking of motivation, I think my mother in law is freaked out about me getting closer to her weight. If she hadn't have been sick, I would be under what she weighed, but she went on her usual weigh loss plan- get sick so she can't eat plan. She now weighs about 163. And I'm noticing her picking at dinner these days. She doesn't want me to get smaller than her! Yesterday we went to get my birthday present (a new robe) and after trying it on, she asked "what size is that?" and I said a size medium. Why would she ask as she won't buy anything for me without me picking it out and trying it on? She is motivated to get smaller! I would like to say it's just like my husband's motivation to get fitter and lose weight which is that good habits rub off on others, but in her case, it was only when I was wearing the same size pants that she wears that she took any interest in my size and when she started eating less. But hey, if it gets her to move more and eat better too, that is fine. I don't really care if she's small than me. She has a tiny build, so she would be smaller than me. But it is kind of funny.

Okay... Lots to do today!

But I did remember to take measurements this morning! I forgot yesterday!

Stats for 12/2/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6 Now 174.2
Total miles walked in 2011: 952/1000

Monthly Measurements:

Starting chest: 47"  Now: 41" (change since last month: down 0" for a total loss of 6")
Starting Waist: 43" Now: 32" (change since last month: down 1" for a total loss of 11")
Starting Hips: 50" Now: 41" (change since last month: down 1" for a total loss of 9")
Starting Arm: 18" Now: 14" (change since last month: down 0" for a total loss of 4")
Starting Thigh: 30" Now: 23.25"(change since last month: down .75" for a total loss of 6.75")

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Got back down to my all time low!

And just in time to say I lost 10 lbs in the month of November. Not bad considering the month before I lost nothing! Of course, water weight gains had a lot to do with that, but that's the way it goes.

I am feeling really good now. Maybe too good because I decided to empty the craft room completely- like nothing in it - bare to the bones save the furniture and well, it's a mess upstairs. My younger son this morning said, "Mom! Why is there an obstacle course up here?". Yes, why indeed? Especially when we have a party in the house in two days!

I do have ulterior motives. Don't we always when we decide to do a major cleaning? There is a cabinet downstairs that I want brought upstairs. It's no longer needed and it's in the way of where the Christmas tree will go! And to move that cabinet upstairs, I needed to make room for it in the craft room. So there we are... My ulterior motive. Can't put up the Christmas tree until that cabinet is moved!

So, I will be reorganizing like mad today. Fun times!

Stats for 12/1/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 174.0

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Two big things today!

First the scale was kind to me this morning. Not only did I get to 80 pounds lost again. I also got to 100 pounds down from highest too. Still not back down to my all time low from about a week ago, but it's getting close. That made me feel soooooooooo much better. As my husband said this morning though. Who knows why I feel better. It could be from the weight loss but it could also be from the hormones starting to subside too - which of course is what also made the weight drop!

The other biggee is that I bought boots. Women's boots. Calf high women's boots! Woohoo! I have never, ever been able to wear calf high boots as an adult. My calves were too thick and my arches too high. The first pair I tried on today I couldn't even fit my foot inside because of my high instep. But then I spied a pair of Pajars. They would match both my winter coats. They aren't "cute", but they are very functional and cute enough. My current boots are men's boots. And they are ankle boots. Those are fine for driving around and getting in and out of slushy areas, but not good for playing in the snow. I simply couldn't fit any other boots - even other men's boots that would be calf high! Until today. They are a lot like these . They are just in black and don't have the fur lining or the pom-pom on top. Found them for a really good price at Marshall's (less than half the price shown online). So bring on winter and snow. This year I'm fit and ready for building a snowman!

So a good day today. I needed one! Doing BodyPump this evening. I finished the bagging of leaves yesterday.

Stats for 11/30/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 174.8

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Well, I said I would change my image back to a pizza slice

But, I'm not going to do it. My weight keeps coming down and my monthly visitor came today. That water weight will leave me very soon, so why torture myself with making it seem like I've slid backwards when all I've been experiencing are normal blips.

And my mood is lifting. Very odd that this month I didn't feel any strong ovulation signs - outward signs like I usually do, but I had a big whoosh like months past and I was super moody for 3-4 days before TTOM started. Not snippy, just a bit down in the dumps.

I think getting raking done yesterday really helped me. I was out there for four hours - taking my frustrations out on the yard. I'm 'almost' finished. I have a big pile in the front yard to rake up and then when I can get to it (little by little) there is a mountain of leaves under the fire bushes and around our deck. WHo knows the last time that was raked. So far 60 bags used. I didn't bag the side yard as I need to kill the grass alongside the garage for a flowerbed, so I piled it all up there quite thick to speed up the job for this spring. Hopefully it will rain on it enough today before the winds hit later this afternoon. Speaking of rain, it's not rainy now and I might bag up the leaves in the front yard that remain while the weather holds out. (Ran out of sun last night to finish up). With all the leaves, I would need between 90-100 bags - stuffed full to the top - compacted as much as I can get them too. A crazy amount of leaves!

Plan for today is to run errands (bank, grocery store and pharmacy) and then I'm tackling my sewing/craft room. I need to have that room together. I think that is bugging me too that my room is always an unusable mess - the "no man's land' of dumping stuff. Part of that will include donating a ton of stuff as there's too much in there to ever be used. And, since I'm in a purging mood, it should go fast! A charity is coming by Friday morning to pick up stuff, so that is even more motivation to get things out of here!

Stats for 11/29/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 176.2
Miles walked in 2011:  947/1000

Monday, November 28, 2011

Kids are back in school - lets get back in gear

Have to admit, I'm glad things are back to normal. I have so much to do - running errands, raking and bagging leaves and getting ready for the holidays. Today is the last really nice day outside, so I'm making the most of it! That will be my workout for today (again) - raking and bagging and putting up holiday lights. Fun stuff! I'll be so happy to have the lawn all finished up and I should be able to do it today (I hope).

So, off I run. Nothing much more to add except I'm still here and chugging along.

Stats for 11/28/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 177.4

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Gaining has put me in a definite funk

I felt so darn good while I was losing the weight these past few weeks. The scale was moving after standing still for 6 weeks (or better put, bouncing around the same 3 pounds for 6 weeks). I got to 80 pounds lost. I got to 100 pounds lost overall and then.... for no reason - no reason at all, I started to gain. I wasn't overeating. I was exercising and bam... weight gain.

Then, Thanksgiving and more weight gain. I didn't even pig out! I ate a big meal and had dessert, but it was a 2500 calorie day. That should be no gain with as much as I was burning with cooking all day. Then I kept most of that Thanksgiving gain and why???? It went down a little and then went back up today! The scale who was my friend is now my enemy. WHY did it have to bounce up over 175 - that magic number? Grrrrr.....

So, I've been in a funk. I've tried to be upbeat about it. I've tried to say to myself it will come off in time, but in the meantime, I feel horrible - no getting around that.

To feel a bit better today I went walking - by myself. Then I raked and bagged leaves - by myself. I don't feel much better. I don't think I will until that scale goes down. And I won't do it by starving myself (which is my mother in law's new tactic, by the way). Ugh...this bites, really bites. To be THIS CLOSE to a goal - to have even gotten there for a few days and then BAM... just like that - it's gone. Wah!!!!

And since I'm honest, I'll change it back to one slice of pizza if this weight is not off by Tuesday. My guess is that it will not be gone! 2.2 pounds at this time of the month just doesn't happen.
Stats for 11/27/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 177.8
Total miles walked in 2011: 931/1000

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I can tell hormones are beginning to mess with me!

I had a great day yesterday. It was gorgeous and being outside for a good part of it. I even snuck into a store after 3 pm (found parking everywhere and up close) on Black Friday to catch a present on sale.

By evening though, my mood was slipping. I didn't know why. When I saw my husband and two sons grab some pie for an evening snack I thought to myself, "I can never do that again.". I can't eat snacks like that or I'll gain. And I felt sorry for myself a bit. Now normally I don't care about that stuff and I don't feel deprived. But I did last night and I knew it had to be hormones, but it didn't make me feel better knowing that. It also didn't help that I had gained 3 pounds on the thanksgiving dinner when at most I should have seen an 8 ounce gain.

Today I feel the hormones a bit too. Scales dropped a pound of that water weight, but with hormones still up, I probably won't see a big drop on the scale for several days if at all. And that means I'm not at 80 pounds lost for this journey or 100 pounds from my all time high. Those numbers seem like ancient history. Wah!!!! darn hormones!!!

Stats for 11/25/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6. Now: 177.2 (78.4 pounds lost)

Friday, November 25, 2011

The day after a feast

According to my weight loss app I should still lose weight yesterday and the day before because of the number of hours I was on my feet cooking. I was on my feet cooking or cleaning for 14 hours Wednesday. And I cooked for 8 hours yesterday and then cleaned dishes afterward for another 1.5 hours. The scale should be going down. Nope. Up over 3 pounds. Go figure.

But my period is soon. I was on my feet which makes me hold water and I ate carbs much more thN normally and that makes me gain too. The scale will go down soon enough.

Planting bulbs today at a friends house and no mire high calorie days for awhile.

And postings might have more errors as I have to type on my iPhone. Our fios stuff is out until Sunday morning. No home phone line. No cable. No Internet.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

It's hard not to compare this year to last year. I'm making about the same menu as last year (switched out two side dishes and one dessert). So, when I look at the recipes and I see my time in the kitchen, I can pretty much know how it compares to last year.

I was more behind last year AND I had help (a friend came down on Wednesday and helped part of that day and all of Thanksgiving). I was dying with a headache and it was a bit worse that day as I was working so hard and a bit stressed. I felt I was trudging through molasses. I still had a great time and it was one of our best Thanksgivings ever, but I was popping ibuprofen every 3.5 hours to make it through.

This year, no headaches and I'm prepping solo and I'm further along that last year. I have all the veggies (besides the potatoes and apples) prepped. Same for herbs. Even the pie crusts are chilling in the fridge and the pancetta sage butter for the turkey - all done - ready to rock and roll for today. All I have to do today is cook and some of the cooking is done (cranberries, roasted onions and pumpkin cheesecake). Oh, and this year I managed to get the cranberries into the molds. I have more ENERGY!!!

But, standing on my feet for about 15 hours yesterday has me holding more water today. I ate 1550 calories yesterday and cleaned and prepped the rest of the time. AND even helped my husband hang our new  TV over the fireplace. And I slept well. I think I slept fitfully last year.

What I have found is that if I spend a lot of time on my feet, I retain water - every. single. time. So I expected the gain. I'm kind of glad it happened now as I won't blame the food when it goes up again tomorrow.

Oh, and something interesting. I'm beginning to pay attention to the "body fat percentage" thingee on my scale. Three days ago it said I had 31% body fat. Two days ago it said 31%. On the day I lived on my feet? 25% yesterday even though I actually weighed more on the scale. I guess it shows how accurate this are! They aren't! LOL

OK, have to get to get to work if I want to get dinner on the table at time. Starting with ironing the tablecloth and the napkins. I've only had 364 days to iron them. Of course I waited until the day I need them to iron them! Ugh!

Stats for 11/23/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 175.4
Total miles walked in 2011: 915/1000

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I don't think Thanksgiving is going to be a problem

I have my menu. Are you ready for it? I got a bit overboard, but then again, I don't cook again until Monday. That's a win-win-win for me. Plus, we always have guests and you never know what people like or don't like, so I make a bit of everything.

This year's feast:

Chestnut Fennel Soup
Winter Squash Rolls
Cranberry Sauce 
Sage Pancetta Roasted Turkey
Sausage Cranberry Cornbread Stuffing
Scalloped Potatoes
Scalloped Corn
Candied Sweet Potatoes
Roasted Root Vegetables and Brussels Sprouts with Garlic and Pancetta
Lemon Roasted Green Beans with Almonds
Pancetta Sage Gravy
Double Crust Apple Pie with Cinnamon Ice Cream
Pumpkin Pie with Whipped Cream
Pumpkin Pecan Cheesecake with Spiked Whipped Cream

Sounds good, doesn't it? So, why won't it be a problem? Well, it's a lot of food, so I'll have just a bit of everything - a taste of sweet potatoes, a taste of scalloped corn and scalloped potatoes. I can fill up on turkey, green beans, root vegetables and brussels sprouts. I love those foods. And, I'll be too full to be tempted by desserts. I know that already. Plus, desserts haven't been tempting me. We have stuff around the house all the time. It's dough and batter that get to me, but none of these really have an edible dough or batter, so I should be OK.

My weekend is also going to be super busy. I am helping someone plant bulbs Friday morning. Helping someone put up a Christmas tree on Saturday and by Sunday most of the food will be gone and I'll be tired of it. Now, I don't think I will lose any weight over the holiday weekend, but I hope not to gain either. (Though.... I've been gaining for two days in a row now, so who knows, but I haven't been overeating  and I've been active - it's just all fluctuations).

Huh, speaking of fluctuations, I had to put a ring on my middle finger as I was afraid it would fall off my ring finger. And it was loose on my middle finger too. Today I notice that I can't take it off without a struggle and my other hand's ring is also snugger than it was. Wonder why I'm holding water? It's obvious from the rings' fit. Huh...

Anyway, today and tomorrow will be a whirlwind of cleaning and cooking. I want to prep as much as possible today and get most of the cleaning done today so that tomorrow can just be cooking.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving and safe travels everyone! (to those readers who are already heading off for their holiday weekend!)

Stats for 11/23/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 174.6

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Changing my birthday plan

Last year we went to the Melting Pot for my birthday. It was fun. It was delicious and really, not over the top in calories. I had been thinking all along we would do that again, but, as it's nearing, I'm not so sure I want to do that. I think I would rather have a normal meal at home (without a cake) and use the money on something else. Something fun for me. I'm more about crafty things than about food and wine (opposite of my husband). Plus, with all the other food temptations this season, I don't want to add another day to be watchful. There is always next year if I want it.

Today will be going to bodypump and I'm looking forward to it. Last night I did Zumba and I didn't like it too much. It's too hard on the joints. I can't do the jumping and when you don't know the choreography, it's hard to get a good workout. That hour class seemed to drag on forever. I was so happy when it was done.

It didn't help that I was right in front of the mirror (no way to escape it). And all I could see was my upper arms swinging back and forth and my inner thighs jiggling all over and then in some moves, the thin shirt pressing against my flabby tummy. Ugh... all that loose skin!

It is getting better and I know it will continue to get better, but I know it won't go away and it will be a forever reminder of where I have been. It bummed me out a little bit. On the day that I reached 100 plus pounds gone, I felt like a blop in class - even though I was one of the more active people... I looked so jiggly. No fun. I almost want to put in shiny rhinestones all over my shirt front - So what that I'm jiggly! I've lost 100+ pounds! I swapped being fat for loose skin! Kind of like those pregnant women who wear shirts with an arrow pointing to their tummy and it says, "baby". or better, an arrow pointing to the side and the shirt saying "I'm with stupid". Not my style, but it's tempting

Stats for 11/22/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 174.6 (lost 81 pounds)
Total miles walked in 2011: 910/1000

Monday, November 21, 2011

Holy crap! I did it!!!!

Not only have I lost 80 pounds now and taken away all the pizza slices. I've lost 100 pounds from my highest weight ever. Ok, 101 pounds!!!

In 2001-2003 I ballooned up to 275. To let you see how out of control I felt with that weight gain (went from about 185 to 275 very quickly), I would say to myself, "Well, at least I'm not 300 pounds." Not, "Oh my god - how did I get up to 275?"

I lost about 30 pounds very quickly when we were moving as I stopped eating in the college cafeteria and was making wiser choices. In the following year I gained 20 of it back and got to 265. At 265 I got pregnant.

During pregnancies I lose weight and this time was the same - 6 weeks post partum I weight 238. Within a year, it was back up to 265. I wasn't trying to control my weight, but for years it stayed stable at 265.

Then we moved again - I got more active and then I dropped to 255ish. But for that year, I actually was trying to keep it at or below 255.   I didn't work for those 10 pounds lost - they just happened with all the painting, packing, etc, but I did try to keep the scale steady. And I did that for a year.  It was like I was testing myself to see if I could maintain a weight loss. Remember, I went from 235 to 185 in about 7 months when I did my only other big weight loss, but then gained 185 to 275, 90 pounds, in 3 years!!! I was scared, really scared that losing weight again (and I had done it the same then as I did now - minus lowering my carbs) that I would gain it all back plus MORE if I seriously tried to lose weight again. I lost complete control for that time and I never quite figured out why... so fear of trying again prevented me from doing anything. Until my health fell apart.

This past year I was on a mission. I wanted to get my health in order. I wanted to get my weight in order. I wanted to become more fit. I felt 175 was an attainable weight for me. I had gotten to 185 before. Couldn't I do 10 more pounds? Especially since I felt I wasn't done last time? And so, I set the lofty goal of losing 80 pounds in 2011. I said I would be happy with 50 as 50 didn't sound 'tooooo hard'. 50 would be about 1 pound a week, but secretly, I wanted to get to 175 and 80.6 pounds lost. I wanted to know/feel that I had lost 100 pounds from my highest. I wanted to know and feel that I was at my high school graduation weight - a weight I have never been since graduating high school.

And I did it. I woke up today to see 174 on the scale. Unbelievable. And my husband says he can see the last 10 pounds too. I feel trimmer and look trimmer which makes sense as more and more of the fat is revealing muscle and bone.

Now, I'm not done with this journey. I don't think I'll ever be done because thinking I'm done is dangerous. I will continue doing what I'm doing and I'll set my new target for 165. I think that weight is attainable now if I keep eating how I'm eating and exercising how I'm exercising. I have no goal for a date to accomplish this buy, but with my motivation still so high right now, I'll keep pressing on and hope to get there by March or April. Three to four months should do it - even when I count in all the holidays. After 165... well, that would be vanity pounds.

I think anyone who knows me and sees me in real life can see that I'm getting really close to a really good weight - even if it does sound like a high number - 174 now and 165 for a new goal. I'm just not built like a small or medium built person. I know so many obese people say that - but in my case, I swear, it's really true!

Oh, and remember that dress I wanted so badly this summer and I eventually found it on clearance at TJMaxx? That one with the fall print colors? I wore that yesterday to the fall festival and to the Nutcracker ballet performance and it's getting too loose! It's still good for now, but it will need to be taken in if I lose 10 pounds more. And I WILL take it in as I adore that dress.

And, if I lose 10 pounds more, I can the fit comfortable into size 10s. Right now the 12s are getting loose and many 10s are a bit snug (but getting closer and closer). It would be nice to fit in clothes comfortably at the correct size. And gasp, perhaps size 8s??? (OMG!!!!)

That dress I wore yesterday is a 14 (but they run small). I could use it in a 12 and if I lose more - into a 10. AND if I fit into all 10s comfortably, that will mean I dropped from a tight 20 at 275 (they were loose at 255, but 18s were very snug) to a comfortable 10 at 165. 6 pant sizes down. Size 8 isn't even in my dreams, though I might get there!

Oh, and I wore a new bra yesterday as the 36" bands are getting too loose. I wore a 34" band yesterday. I haven't done that since I was 16 I think! (But my cup size is bigger - I was stuffing myself into smaller cup sizes as I couldn't find the larger sizes I needed back then in small town Iowa. And stuffing myself into a too small cup size meant I needed the extra band width to accommodate the girls).  And while I feel I've lost some of the girls - the cup size is the same when the band is the right size. Went from a 40G to a 34G. Yep, I remain chesty... I can see that in the gym most of all - almost always the chestiest woman there!Which reminds me, I need new workout bras too as they are not tight enough any more either. This journey has been expensive, but so worth it. In the end, it will save us so much more money than the investment in a new wardrobe!

So, yep. I made it!!!!

Stats for 11/21/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6 Now: 174.0 (down 81.6 pounds)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Six more ounces - and who ate all that pizza???

Woke up this morning to a great gift - a continuation of the weight loss whoosh. I'm super busy this morning, so I can't go on and on, but I had to celebrate that the whole 8 slices of pizza have disappeared. I did it! I lost 80 pounds (80.2 to be precise) and I need just six measly ounces (they weight of a medium sized apple) to get to 175.0. My initial goal!!!

Yay me!

Stats for 11/20/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 175.4 (80.2 pounds lost!)
Total miles walked in 2011: 906/1000

Saturday, November 19, 2011

And here I am - on the cusp of getting there

I knew I would see a drop on the scale this morning. First, I was peeing a lot yesterday and second, despite eating too much frosting yesterday, the math just didn't add up that I was standing still on the scale while I was exercising and eating low (around 1450-1500). So yep, down more than a pound today.

I'm not sure it will stay as I didn't exercise yesterday and today I will be lifting weights AND raking my yard and bagging the mounds of leaves already there as well as cooking a lot. I have more than too much to do today. Like way too much, but... maybe that will keep me from mindlessly eating.

Somehow today I have to bake - 2-3 loaves of bread (one for home, 2 for an auction item), I need to get to the grocery store, I need to finish up a silent auction tally (all the organizing is done and tallying is done, I just need to make the sheets to get to winners and donors for tomorrow). I need to get my Thanksgiving shopping list ready (So glad that I made a grocery list on the computer last year so I can just tweak that) and I need to make a slide show from the pictures I've taken for over a month at Sunday School and adding some video to it. I'm sure there's more - like when will I ever clean? Can't have guests come on Thanksgiving to a messy house?

I've gotten behind because I've been volunteering every day at the elementary school. I figure they need me more than my house does, but right now my house begs to differ.

So... I'll be busy today... which will probably mean I'll see a slight gain on the scale tomorrow - a lot of time on my feet and all that raking and working out tends to make me hold a bit of water. I think it was NOT exercising yesterday and giving my body a one day break that allowed for a drop in the scale - my mucles had a chance to heal between workouts.

OK... ready set go!!!

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 176.4 (79.2 pounds lost!!!!)

Friday, November 18, 2011

Seriously, what is it with me and frosting?

Yesterday I was helping my son with his homework. He's in first grade and one of his homework assignments is to read to his parents. The book he had to read was "The Chocolate cake". In the book, a little girl and boy are bored because it's a rainy day and they can't go out to play. They get an idea to bake something and go ask their mom if they can. Mom says sure and tells them where to get the cake mix and then the kids are on their own - adding eggs, water and a bit of oil. They pop it in the oven, wait for it to bake and when they go to flip it out of the pan, they realize they forgot to butter the pan. The girl is all upset, but the boy has an idea. They can make a chocolate cake custard using the pieces and for the happy ending, that's what they did.

Well, it just so happened I had some ripe bananas and I was planning on making a chocolate banana bread. This recipe easily transfers to a chocolate banana cake, so I asked my little guy if he wanted to make a cake. Of course he did. So, we baked the cake. I guess all day at school today he was talking about how he was going to decorated a cake when he got home and that is what we just did. We whipped up some chocolate sour cream frosting and iced the cake. It looks pretty and I'm sure it will taste divine, but I won't have any (maybe a bite to see how it turned out).

Anyway, while icing the cake, I couldn't keep myself from sampling the frosting. I LOVE this chocolate frosting. I can say no to jut about anything, but this frosting? Wow! No!!!! I just ate about 4 tablespoons of icing - totally not part of my plan for today, but I couldn't resist it! So, I guess it's good that I never did get into professional cake decorating as I would be in trouble.

It's funny how we all have our downfalls and I never would have guessed frosting would be one for me - that and cookie dough batter. Baked cookies aren't a temptation at all, but the cookie dough? Watch out!

Stats for 11/17/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 177.6

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The grocery stores right now and how will the holidays go?

The grocery stores are temptation city. Everything I love is out - hot chocolate, winter coffee drink advertisements from Starbucks at the door of the grocery store, cookies and other bakery items and all the fixings for holiday stuff are on nearly every end cap. There is no way to avoid all the goodies at the store. Everywhere you turn are the holiday temptations.

It didn't help that I went right before lunch and I was hungry - very hungry. But, I was good. I didn't get anything I didn't need and I didn't get anything for the family they didn't need. I stuck to my honeycrisp apple and natural peanut butter for lunch and it was delicious and hit the spot.

But, it also got me to thinking about the holidays. I will make all the yummy stuff for the holidays like I always do and I said I would partake in some of that as I don't believe in depriving myself. However, I didn't really think it through. I am this close to reaching my initial goal. Like really, really close. Theoretically, I could reach it tomorrow if the scale gave me a big whoosh (not likely, but I've dropped that much in a day before). And then what? To gain some of it back with Thanksgiving? Christmas?

And for my family it is like quadruple whammy as in that 6.5 weeks starting with Thanksgiving there is: Thanksgiving (and we host so we have leftovers), my birthday, Christmas, New Years, Orthodox Christmas and my husband's birthday. Late November to the 7th of January. And we host a Christmas event too (last year we hosted two).

There is basically no way to lose weight during that time - no way. Just from the meals of those days alone - Thanksgiving, my birthday, christmas, new years, orthodox christmas and my husband's birthday - just that will take me over probably. So losing is probably out... but how about maintaining? How can I maintain and still have a few goodies? How can I maintain and eat a slice or two of my Christmas stollen? Or my fudge like dessert? Or any of the other temptations of the holidays?

I think if the holidays would have been in June or October, I would just say "this month is a wash, I'll make the best decisions I can during that time, but I probably won't see a loss during that time and will probably see a slight gain and that's OK... the next week is a new week and we'll just restart".  However, I am having a hard time with that mindset for now. I set myself a goal of getting to 175 by my birthday and I'll probably get there... but I don't want to get there and then gain back a few to not be there at 175 starting the new year and one year of being healthy.

I know it's random and I don't need to be at a particular weight at a particular time, but I want it so bad and I'm so super motivated right now that the holiday's timing is so off. I'm beginning to think I won't partake in the goodies, but just in the special days and even then, keeping it very minimal. It goes against everything else I advice anyone else to do and against what I said I would do for myself, but I just can't lose sight of that 175 especially after such a rough few weeks with everyone getting sick, my thyroid going bonky again and my neck injury. I'm in such a good spot right now that I don't want to be derailed! I want to push onwards and feel like I made it, truly made it by the new year. And from that ringing in of the New Year onward will then be just finishing the journey of the last whatever pounds and keeping up with the fitness.

Heck, I don't even want to address my stress incontinence problem until after I get to goal. It's just something I need to do for myself. I've never met my weight loss goal ever before. In 1999 I set it for 165 and got to 185. This time I'm getting there (and probably on downwards to 165 or so eventually).

I think I'm being a bit obsessive about this... but so be it.

Stats for 11/17/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 178.8 (up .2 from yesterday)
Total miles walked in 2011: 896/1000

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

And the good feelings continue

So, I shared with my husband yesterday about the blog post I wrote and retold him how much it meant to hear those words, so much so that I blogged about it. I also wanted to tell him about it because I received a very, very, very nice email from a friend yesterday who read my blog and then said this:

First the message line/tite read: Beautiful indeed.

The body of the message is this:

I read your comment today and I can more than second XXXX.  You were absolutely beautiful Sunday.  And it was not only an outer beauty but an inner one.  When you were speaking to the group, I am sure everyone wished they had a child in your class.  The glowing love and enthusiams coming from you was just amazing.

You are truly a shining star,


Now, how can you not feel all warm and blown away from an unsolicited email like that? Of course I thanked the sender as WOW... that person made my day (and he/she is pretty darn special too and everyone knows it and I hope he/she does too!)

So, I shared that with my husband, and then he floored me some more.  He said, "Well yes, you spoke very well on Sunday - you were enthusiastic, speaking to everyone articulately and you kept it simple, short and straightforward - just saying what you needed to say and not more, so that was nice. But, I couldn't stop looking at you as you were just so beautiful." What???? This is my husband saying this? I asked him if he would 'pick me up' again and he enthusiastically said yes! Now, that is a question I would have never had confidence enough to ask before. Yes, sure my husband loved me, that I never really doubted. But loving someone and being attracted to someone is very, very different. And I'm so glad he finds me attractive again - despite my stretch marks, my beginning wrinkles, my thinning hair, and loose skin and my quirky ways.

My older son is proud of me too - though he won't be as bold enough to say it, but he lets me know in his cryptic teenage ways and I like that he can be proud of me. (Though I think he worries about me regaining it - so am I kid!) The little guy (6) probably doesn't even notice! LOL

And to add to the feeling good day, the scale moved down a bit more. 78 pounds lost! 2.6 pounds to go to get to my initial goal.

Stats for 11/16/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 178.6 (78 pounds lost!)
Total miles walked in 2011: 889/1000

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Words I haven't heard in years and years

I don't know how many years it's been, but I want to say at least a decade - maybe longer. Whatever length of time it is, it's been a really, really, really long time.

Well, I shouldn't say I haven't heard them. I just haven't heard them from him - my husband. So what did he say? He said I looked beautiful.

We were in the car, driving back from Ethical Society this past Sunday and he looked over, got a very loving look on his face and said with all sincerity, "You look really beautiful today." I don't think I'll ever forget that look or those words. I'll forget the date, but nothing more.

My husband isn't big on gifts or compliments and he won't give compliments just to compliment. He has to really mean them as he's really honest. Now, that doesn't mean he's mean. He doesn't put me (or anyone else for that matter) down, but he won't tell white lies. If I ask him if I look alright, he'll say "that dress is pretty." Or, "You look nice", but he won't say more if he doesn't feel more. So, hearing I looked beautiful to him was shocking first of all and secondly, I really felt it. I guess that hearing it so rarely does make it special... though I could stand to get compliments a bit more often!

I've never felt like a beautiful woman. I have some nice features, but the word beautiful to me is referred to something extraordinary and that doesn't include me. I would say I'm "pretty" (boy, even that is hard for me to say), but beautiful? Heidi Klum is beautiful.... but I'm glad my husband finds me beautiful. I guess that's all that matters!

And, to make me feel even better, the scale is still going down. I'm getting close people!!!

Stats for 11/15/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 178.2 (77.4 pounds lost)
Total miles walked in 2011: 889/1000

Monday, November 14, 2011

Well, I guess it wasn't a blip - another new low!

I was shocked when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw 178.6. I didn't weigh myself accurately last night as I was too cold, so it was a very pleasant surprise to see an even lower number today than yesterday.

I am totally confused about my cycle though. I 'should' be ovulating tomorrow, but signs are that it either stopped and will be delayed or it has already passed. I guess we'll see. At least the scale is on the way down now though. That makes me VERY happy.

I was going to do a spinning class today, but those mounds of leaves in the yard are beckoning me and since it's a gorgeous day, I need to go do it - as much as I dislike doing it. I think if housework and yard work were more team stuff, then I would be all over it, but this doing things by myself stuff or having to get after a kid every five seconds just doesn't do it for me. I would rather go solo than be yelling at a teen.

Ok... gotta get to it. Exercise is exercise and raking leaves is definitely exercise.

Stats for 11/14/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 178.6 (77 pounds gone!)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Probably just a blip, but I'm happy!

When I went to bed last night, I did what I always do - I weighed myself before going to bed. I saw 180.8. What??? That's the same I weighed in the morning and I knew that meant I would be out of the 180s this morning. And sure enough I saw 179.0 today.

I'm a bit puzzled by it as I had a hard workout yesterday and sodium was a tad high and I know ovulation is coming soon, but I'll take it! It will probably be gone tomorrow as the water weight keeps piling on before ovulation, but to even see the 170s after such a long struggle between 180-185 feels HUGE. It's a preview of what's to come.  Yay me!

And yes the workout yesterday was really hard - like tough! This big muscle man was leading bodypump and he didn't give rests in the routine like they usually do. Like, if a song is 5 minutes long, they usually have us go for 4 minutes, give a 10 second break and then push for the last minute. Not this guy. He had his own 'formula' and we did a lot more slow reps and no breaks. By the end I was so spent I couldn't do all the abs work. My body said "Nope!"

Today is a busy day today and at most I'll get in a walk. But that's OK. I have lots more to do this week that will keep my body guessing.

Ok, I'm off on this busy day!

Stats for 11/13/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 179.0
Total miles walked in 2011: 879/1000

Saturday, November 12, 2011

I can't persuade my body...

...that it doesn't need to gain weight before ovulation. Doesn't seem to matter how good I am and how much I am careful. I will gain before ovulation. The good news is that it seems my cycle is back to a normal month, not a super long one long like the past two months. But that also means I truly have a stallout with a long slow gain as I approach ovulation. I again was this close to getting out of the 180s and then the hormones started messing with me again.

Good news is that all is good with my eating and with exercising. Yesterday I did bodystep and getting good sleep made all the difference between a good class and a torturous one. I really pushed myself and even did more of the high impact stuff and when I could compare myself to others in the classroom - you know what? I look strong and able!

Today I'm doing bodypump and I'm looking forward to it. And I've decided my body can only handle that class twice a week and stepping twice a week. I'll supplement with zumba and spinning on other days.

So, off I go - weighing a bit more every day as ovulation approaches.

Stats for 11/12/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 180.8
Total miles walked in 2011: 875/1000

Friday, November 11, 2011

This rest of my life business

While I haven't found the eating I've had to do extremely difficult, I've also been on a mission. I knew I had to get my health sorted out. I knew I needed to get more fit. I knew that I needed to drop this weight. So, I'm doing what I need to do to accomplish all that.

But it's one thing to pass up treats and goodies for a few months or a year, but it's quite another to say "the rest of my life". And that is basically is what I'm having to do. This past month also showed me how little I can go over calories or how few days I can skip exercising without seeing gains on the scale. Last month (actually last 6 weeks) were a complete standstill for me. I didn't gain I didn't lose. I wasn't exercising much and I was eating on average about 1580 calories a day. That isn't much! Is that my tipping point of gaining and maintaining? That few calories?

And to show how fast those calories add up, yesterday I ate 1480 calories and this is what I ate:

Morning: 1 slim jim and 2 pieces of string cheese: 220 calories
Lunch: one honeycrisp apples with cinnamon and 4 tablespoons of natural peanut butter: 470 calories
Dinner: 2 bowls corn chowder, 6 ounces turkey breast, 1/4 cup of candied sweet potatoes, 1 tablespoon of cranberry sauce and 1.5 cups of kale: 790 calories.

No snacks, no desserts, no sweetened drinks. What was different yesterday was that I was in a hurry for breakfast, so it was my "grab something fast with lots of protein" breakfast. Lunch was late and I was so hungry that I ate an extra tablespoon of peanut butter, but dinner higher carb than usually, but not huge. I could eat more if I was eating a huge salad, but I'm not into salads in colder months.

I see that eating yesterday and I see how easy it would be to eat too much - just one slice of pie for dessert would take me over. Having a sandwich in addition to the apple with peanut butter would do it. An extra 100-300 calories a day could lead to 1-3 pounds a month.

Now, exercise is the key here. I didn't exercise yesterday (crashed early to bed instead). But, with adding in one hour of exercise affords those extra 300 calories a day and since exercising doesn't make me hungry, I would feel like I am eating more substantially too. I don't want to feel deprived for the rest of my life.

I mentioned this to my husband the other day and he said, "you know my grandmother always said 'You should never eat until you are full. You should stop when you still feel a bit of hunger.'" And there is truth in that, but not that long ago and most of human's existence and still true for much of the world, we stayed hungry because of the lack of available food. Our minds/bodies didn't deal with surplus very often and when it did, we ate more and then we stored it as fat to be used at times of less food so we wouldn't die. Now here in America and other prosperous nations we have too much food and we have to learn to stop before we are full, but try telling that to your head every single day - every day. It's hard.  And that is what worries me about maintenance.

Will I have the motivation to keep turning away food indefinitely? Will I be able to say no to all the little treats forever? At least I have that fear of high blood pressure and diabetes to keep me in check. Without that, I don't know if I would have the mental power to say "no". And who knows, maybe in 5-10 years I won't be able to control these things by diet alone and then what will keep me good?

I know myself - I can keep motivation for long periods of time. I can get excited about something and sustain it for awhile, but just like when you fall in love, you don't keep that 'in love' feeling forever. It fades. And I'm worried about what happens when I've hit my weight goal and I've gotten my health in check, how will keep that drive to keep doing it - daily. I'm stubborn and competitive too... maybe not wanting to be one of the statistics will help with that too! I want to be in that 1-2% who keep it off!!!

Stats for 11/11/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 180.6

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Sizes are a bit odd

I'm noticing as I get smaller it takes less to go from one size to another. Meaning, I need to lose less inches to drop a size. For instance, I took my measurements today (finally) and there is no change from October first to now. I am 41-33-42 with 14" upper arms and 24" upper thighs. Yet, when I go to try on clothes, more and more 12s are beginning to be a tiny bit loose, so I try on the 10s and the 10s fit but just a tiny bit snug. I can even squeeze into a few 8s in a few brands/cuts.

I'm discovering what brands tend to run big - Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein are roomy, so in those brands I'm firmly in size 10s, but I can still wear their size 12s. Now, when I wore 20s and 18s and even 16s  I couldn't squeeze into the next size down until the current size was quite loose. Not so with these lower sizes - the differences in sizes get smaller I think. And others have noted this as well. So, I used to think I would end up in a size 12, but that was before I realized vanity sizing had struck again since my last weight loss effort. Then I thought it might be a size 10, but if I'm already getting into size 10s and I know I have another 15 pounds to go, then I'll be in 8s. Which would probably be 12s in 'the old days' of my teens.... but even that seems odd... Oh, but I was wearing juniors then and juniors are cut smaller (and run on odd sizes). So, yes, I guess that's about right.

Of course, in some brands I can't even fit into 12s, but those are more teeny bopper fashions versus the classics which I tend to be drawn to.  But again it makes me wonder what the heck the super skinny girls are wearing for sizes. Dropping to girls sizes I hear, but who wants to wear girl's sizes and fashions... though yes, girl's fashions are too sexy as it is.

I was supposed to go to the gym this evening, but my younger son was really into his homework and it got too late to get to the class. Though, I will jump around in the basement tonight. I actually WANT to do it! I'll do some strength training as tomorrow I'm doing cardio. Kathy Smith and I have a date!

I feel better today because I put my foot down and insisted on getting to bed on time. My husband and older son are such night owls that I find my going to sleep time getting pushed farther and farther back and then I get more and more tired which is never a good combination for me.

Scale is doing it's normal stall out for me. I can I feel a bit reassured that all is status quo, but man it would be nice to drop a few pounds to at least get out of the 180s!

Stats for 11/10/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 180.4

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Some days of exercise are just plain hard

I could tell today that it would be a tough workout. I was tired this morning. But, I'm determined. I must get to the gym and I must work out. And yes, every single minute of the step routine was difficult. There are 11 songs and through each one I would just cross it out mentally in my head. Going, 'just 5 more', "just 3 more" and so on.  I was hoping that once I got started I would burst through that barrier of drudgery, but I didn't.

Sure I felt good later and I was proud of myself for going, but just a week ago - that same routine, after not exercising for 3 weeks, felt easy. Today it felt horribly hard. What is up with that? Am I pushing too hard? I'm only exercising an hour a day. I'm not under eating, so why? I wish I could figure it out! I don't understand how it can vary so much from day to day, but man I hate the hard days. Makes me want to never exercise again when it's hard like that - when you never reach that high from it.

Now to figure out what exercise to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to try Zumba Toning and see how I like that.

Stats for 11/9/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 180.2
Total miles walked in 2011: 871/1000

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Zeroing in on my initial goal

I have 32 days until my birthday and I have 5.2 pounds to get to my initial goal. That is the lofty goal I set for myself the end of last year and I'm this close to getting there. Since it is attainable, since I'm feeling so much better with the neck and more energetic as my thyroid gets more regulated, I am ultra motivated to get to my goal. I can do this and there is no reason why I can't get there if I stay healthy and injury free!

Yesterday I did bodystep and it felt great. I had a spot in front of the mirror in class yesterday - I'm not usually able to do that - not that I like to do that and I get such mixed signals when I see myself in the mirror. First, I see someone who is getting fit. I see muscle definition. I see during movements that I look like everyone else in the class as far as being able to keep up (save the jumping which I don't do). But I also see my loose skin and the existing roll of tummy blubber which appears when I lean to the side or forward. Now, some of that is loose skin, some of it is fat. Anyway, I hate seeing the imperfections. Scars/memories of where I have been.

But I also notice that the skin is slowly shrinking up. I doubt it will ever get totally absorbed back in, but it's definitely getting better. My stomach loose skin is pulling up, same with under the arms and my inner thighs. My husband agrees too - it's getting better (not that he's bothered by that - that is my hangup alone).

The other thing that kind of makes me laugh is that when I started this journey, my husband weighed about 190ish. My mother in law weighed about 178. I weighed 255.6. My husband started losing weight starting late winter and now weighs 170. So, I haven't caught up with him (yet and may never). My mother in law has been sick a couple times - she had a diverticulitis attack and couldn't eat and then had a long lasting allergic reaction in her mouth and couldn't eat. She now weighs 160. I was so close to getting to her weight and then she lost almost 20 in two months from being sick! I just have to laugh... I'm glad my husband is getting fitter and trimmer for his health, so I don't begrudge him that and I'm sorry my mother in law had to get sick to lose weight (her usual weight loss method), but will I ever STOP being the heaviest person in this family? Probably not.

On an up note, I tried on my husband's jeans yesterday. He warned me that they probably wouldn't fit over my thighs as they are tight on his thighs, but guess what? The slid over my thighs and I can button them! They are way tight, but I can squeeze into them! And they are a 32" waist. Woohoo!!!! Even my husband was surprised.

Plan for today is to do a strength training class, to walk to get my son from school and to work in the yard. I am reallllllllllly pushing this month to make a final push to get to my initial goal. I am so close and I've been at a standstill for over a month and I hate that! Time to move forward!

Stats for 11/8/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 180.2
Total miles walked in 2011: 862/1000