Monday, March 31, 2014

The amount of time I'm away... speaks volumes

I told myself, when I was deep in the throws or self-hatred and deep depression that I would NOT write on this blog ever again. I told myself that I would do it "again" silently, on my own, without crutches like a blog to keep me accountable or a forum about weight loss and fitness. I was ashamed and I wanted to hide.

But as I've blogged about before - there is no 'hiding' weight gain or weight loss. We wear our sorrows. I KNOW, K.N.O.W. people near me have been watching me balloon up in size again. Maybe some are worried. Some are sad. Some are gloating. And some are scared for themselves - because "if Melissa can fail, then maybe I will too?"

And I am ashamed and disappointed in myself. Why did I let all the little things finally topple everything over. Why did I dig in so deep?

How deep? Very... Like... stopped taking my thyroid medicines over a year ago deep. I am just back from the doctor's office. My blood pressure is through the roof (again). I'm sure my blood sugars are bad (again). Same with cholesterol, and of course, the thyroid is probably off the charts bad/low functioning. My learning from before was the my thyroid very much controls these things.

What happened? So many things. I can probably list a half dozen or more - but none of them are the "one thing". I just reached a point of super frustration of realizing that I was always going to feel hungry. Was always going to have to eliminate whole categories of food, throw in 2-3 injuries that kept me from the gym and in different states of pain (leg and shoulder injuries and neck and back spasms). and then pride got involved of me "wanting to fix it on my own without anyone knowing - even the doctors." Yes, a smart person can be very, very, very dumb.

But I am here because I need to be here. I need to write. And if you are mad at me or gloating - fine, do so, but keep your freaking mouth SHUT.

You think you had it worse than me and you were successful and I should have been too? Shut up about it and go away if it bugs you that I'm now a deemed "weight loss failure". I don't need to hear it.
One of the best things I EVER heard from a counselor was this, "Don't compare yourself to anyone else and don't compare your problems to their problems. Don't minimalize YOUR issues because they are yours and yours only and your mind will deal with them how YOU can deal with them - not  how others deal with theirs."

Add in to all of that and I'm a carb addict. I simply cannot have them. And I was eating them. And then more and more and more and more.... It kills too, just more slowly than heroine and other deadly drugs. Problem is, it is that much harder to stay away from them. I have to eat and carbs are everywhere.  I did it before and I can do it again, but even THINKING about it has me in tears. This is not temporary. This is forever.

Now... for the blog... I will try to do it daily as it helped me tremendously. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to do it by weight or clothing size or measurements. I simply don't know. Right now I'm just mad at myself and sad at what I've undone. And right now it's all about getting things back to normal - starting with blood pressure and then the rest.

As far as the blog goes, all pictures from the side bar are taken down as they are of an old journey, not this one. But I'm keeping it the same blog because, like the first time, I want this to be about honesty. And I want to hopefully, show myself and others that it can be done again. and again. and again. if needed. This will be a battle for life. I know it, so I want to be honest about the journeys I take.

Like the first time, I have to do this because if I don't. I will die a young death. But just how do I keep myself from ever 'relapsing' again. I wish I knew. I really do. But this is step one. Being here and finally being honest with myself and everyone else.