Thursday, October 29, 2015

Something different - my passions and how they drive me

I am a person who is driven by passions. My passions shift and change, but I usually have something (or somethings) I'm passionate about.  When I was in college, I was passionate about student life and student leadership. I was involved in a lot of things (though paled in comparison to some wunderkinds (wunderadults?) like Peter Adamson - still in aw of you!!!). So, I got married, went into the field of higher education and dove into my career (with a one year baby break in there). I was rising within the field. I was passionate about helping young adults transition to adulthood. I loved that career I really did, but then it ended. The passion started to die because I had a bad supervisor (after having a great one in the same position). I learned so much about how important WHO you work with is. A job could go from great to horrible just like that.

Also the passion waned because we moved, (more than once), my contacts and references got old and any interest I still had, I lost after that. I didn't have it in me to start at the low wrung of this field AGAIN to start over and I don't think I would have been rehired into the field either. So, then I was stuck.

During that time, I had another child, one with special needs, that did suck a lot of the extra whatever, out of me. I didn't have a passion any more. As my younger child was getting older, I needed to get back to work - for me - and for our family's economic stability, but what to do? My husband asked, "Well, what are you passionate about?" And I said, "Nothing. I just want to work." I got into baking for awhile and making cakes for people, but I couldn't make an earning with it and I definitely didn't have the mega talent to make it big on my own like one of these big time cake decorators. Plus, as much as I loved it, it also added a lot of stress (as cake as a medium is finicky!)

I just didn't know what I wanted to do. I was really enjoying teaching Sunday School at our ethical society and being on the Sunday School committee. I liked working with people and with kids and adults. I enjoyed helping build community and planning events. I was enjoying Ethical Culture period. I enjoyed the community so much. Then, a part-time Sunday School director position came available which was perfect timing for me. I could build my resume and get fresh references. Win. What I found though was that I absolutely loved it. It fed me. I became quite passionate about lessons and spending time with our children and passionate about growing the community and passionate about spreading the word about what we did, etc. That got me to looking at completing an elementary education degree, but that didn't appeal as much. I didn't like the confines of teaching (and it's what kept me out of it 20 years earlier too). But what?

Then I got lucky again as a full time job opened up to do the Sunday School thing. It was a dream come true practically and it's been a wonderful jump back into full-time work. The last year I've been learning this job and about this culture and I'm just as passionate about it now as then. This summer I went to a conference for Ethical Culture and I was so inspired. I felt (and still feel) such hope for the movement (still so small, but currently in a spike of energy and growth) and I want to do more. I have found a passion and it feels good. The Ethical Culture people, by and large, are my people and I want to continue my career within this group, if possible.

I don't know where or what that will lead to, but in a bit over a week I'm going to an ethical education conference and I'm excited about it. I just volunteered to be a curator for an organization wide video project too. It feels good and I hope this passion to help the movement grow and become more significant continues because for me, being passionate about something, makes me better at doing something. I'm not perfect about it, for SURE, but I think my enthusiasm not only drives me, but it pushes other people to do more too. And it's such a great movement.

Here's from an article by Randy Best, Leader of the Ethical Humanist Society of the Triangle,
For Felix Adler, human Worth and human rights are paramount. Everyone deserves to have their inherent worth respected and to be treated with dignity and compassion.
Adler’s Ethical concerns focused on right action – how to treat others and act to improve the human condition. He felt that the best way to explore these issues was in community.
Adler believed that exploring ethical ideals and acting for social justice led to improved social conditions and positive personal transformation.
Felix Adler’s maxim, Act so as to Elicit the Best in Others and thereby Elicit the Best in Yourself, contains the idea that personal development is fully realized through relationships with others.
Our sense of meaning and purpose is enhanced by our ethical connection to others.
Community examination of Ethical Ideals and Aspirations allows us to strive for a fuller expression of our human experience.
I guess I'm writing about it because it's making me a happier person to have something drive me. I feel better over all and when I feel good, I make better decisions. So, for now, it's helping keep the winter blues away too... so all of this is to say in a way, being passionate about something in life leads to a better life and that for me, also means taking better care of myself.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

This addiction battle

It's winter(ish) for my brain. I am feeling the sluggishness kick in. I am feeling the difficulty in doing things that two months ago I would have zipped through. Winter blues are here - boo-hiss!!!

But also, I am fighting terribly  the urge to eat carbs. Today was a very difficult emotional day. I had an IEP meeting for my 5th grader, autistic son... Seeing how the school and the teachers are at a complete loss in how to teach my son... Hearing about his anxiety driven behaviors... Realizing that we need to back track and start over with the IEP with all new approaches and new goals and needing many more IEP meetings..., and possibly just skipping all of that and realizing he needs to be homeschooled... All of that put me in a very bad head space. I quite literally left the school, teary-eyed, and wanting to eat. I wanted to eat gobs of stuff - sweet stuff - empty calorie carby stuff. Why??? Because for about 1 hour I will feel a boost to my mood and energy. For that short little window I will feel better.

The hour after? CRASH... and even more fatigue and even more blue - unless I allow myself another quick fix.

I was able to stave it off. I didn't eat (I had already had lunch). I drank a sparkling water instead. This time I was able to talk my brain into sense.

Next time? Will I have a voice of reason tomorrow?

If there were a pill to keep me from being tempted by the carbs for these quick fixes, I would take it.

This is why I was a human yo-yo the last few years. This is why I will be fighting this battle the rest of my life. I've been "good" for 5 months. Seems nearly impossible to imagine being on top of this addiction to sugars for 5 years, yet that is what I'm striving to do... more like 50 years if I'm super lucky.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Developing a healthier weight loss mindset and high carb day effects

And I am kind of surprised by it actually. I am not needing to write here as much. I am not needing to post on the weight loss forum as much. And I'm sticking with the program pretty closely.

There are days it's easier and days that it's more difficult, but I'm less obsessed about needing to seeing losses daily and less obsessed with NEEDING to see the scale every day.

I know if I keep doing what I'm doing, it will result in a loss on the scale eventually. I can't really do much more than I'm doing except up my exercise and what I'm doing is already resulting in losses, so all of that would be bonus.

I'm finding the mindset of thinking about the scale less is freeing. In the past I needed that check in to stay on my regime. I knew I would pay for indulgences and get rewarded for sticking to the program.

When I started this current journey, I just wanted it to be quick. I had gained the weight quickly, I wanted to be rid of the weight quickly.

I still have 35 pounds to go, but I've already lost nearly 55. I feel better. I look better and it's ok if it takes me awhile - as long as the trend is in the right direction and overall I'm making good choices.

This past month was mostly OK. I had some higher calorie days, but lower carb, so the losses were a bit slower. But I've still seen 5 pounds, so how can that be bad? Then, this last week I had one doozy of a week.

My husband was out of town. Our son was having issues with school. I had a talk to prepare. I have been happily busy at work. and I was dealing with monthly hormones. So, for two days I went on a high carb, high sugar snack fest as the stress caught up with me.

What I noticed with eating so much sugar and carbs in general: I felt lethargic. I felt blue. I felt weird twinges in my gut. I woke up with headaches. I woke up terribly congested. I really "felt" those things and realized that is how I felt almost ALLLLL winter last year and it was awful. I realized it was 100% diet and I had to drop the carbs way back down. I did.

I ate normally for two days after that... stuffiness is gone in my sinuses. Gut feels better with no twinges. No headache. I feel more energetic and happier. (Of course, having my husband home helps with feeling happier too).

Quick fixes for energy boosts - equals feeling bad overall. MUST. NOT. GO. FOR. QUICK. FIXES.

For sure though, my new eating time schedule has made the biggest difference for me. Allowing one meal a day (plus two high fat snacks) really, truly makes it easier to follow the low carb meal plan. Now if only I could make traffic better so that some days I didn't get home after 6:30 pm so that dinner isn't as last as 7:15!

And this picture is true. I'm not going to let the scale determine my happiness. While I do want to lose weight and to be fitter for a healthier me, daily fluctuations shouldn't not make or break my day and sometimes it feels like it will.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Hit a big milestone today!

In the past when there were big time lags in my posting, it meant I had fallen off the wagon (or was on vacation). Well, now with working full time, it means I'm just super busy that I don't even have 15 minutes to spare to write my thoughts!

Fridays are my day off. (which I wasn't even really taking time off recently as I was working to get things up and running at work in a new efficient way - while also trying to get home purged of junk at the same time!) This morning while Hurricane Joaquin is dumping rain on us and otherwise making life feel blah, I have a few moments to collect my thoughts and write before driving my son to class.

Today, I hit 50 pounds lost on this weight loss reboot. That is 62 pounds lighter than my all time high, but it is the 50 NOW that is huge. And it has been easy to lose - which is weird and scary to say as then why did I gain 50 pounds in the last year? It's even worse - between September and mid May of last year, so in 8 months, I gained 54 pounds. That is crazy, ridiculous!!! See how out of control my carb addiction can get me? Ugh!!!

But today, it's celebration day - 50 pounds gone. 4 more pounds and I'll be where I was a smidge over a year ago. I have a bit less than 40 to go. Do your math people - that means I needed to lose 90 pounds.

Yesterday I also ran into a problem - all my tops are too big for me. Last fall/winter I needed to buy a bunch of tops as I had gotten too big for what I had. Well, now that the weather is cooling down, I'm reaching for my tops and I'm finding they are swimming on me. My tops are 2x and a few 3x. I now need an XL. For pants I'm in better shape as I have various sizes all the way up and down - 10s to 18s. I'm now between a 14 and 16 - depending on the cut of the jeans/pants.

I never was at my lowest weights over fall/winter, so I should be about able to wear many things stored in my son's closet for this season, but probably not quite yet. I'll just have to make do with the least baggy big ones and the few smaller ones that I have already. It's a good problem to have. It feels much better than last fall when I was having to go out and buy a few larger pieces - dipping back into plus size clothes after not being in plus sizes for 3 years.

But, things are getting tougher. I'm more tired. I am more tempted by carbs. It's getting much harder to veer away from the quick fixes to boost my energy. I think I got my treadmill desk just in time. I was feeling all sorts of blah yesterday morning (3rd rainy day in a row didn't help) and I got my treadmill desk adjusted, and took off walking. Nearly instantly I felt better - less tired, more energetic and surprisingly, less hungry. The effect was short lived as I was famished by the time I got home and I started to feel blah again in the evening, but that also could be the weather and also the fact that my mother in law was returning after being away on vacation for 2 months.

Today's plan, tidying upstairs and doing some more purging of stuff. I'm trying to make progress, a bit every day that has a few moments. What else can you do on a rainy day???

But 50 pounds - it feels so good!!!