When I was a teenager and in college - basically before I got married and even after getting married, I was very self conscious about my body. I think it was for several reasons. First, I was chesty and that made me self conscious. Second, I was 'bigger'. Not fat (initially), but heavier than most of my peers because I do have a larger frame. And third, and I don't know why, I just didn't like the idea of people looking at me or seeing me as 'sexy'. Basically, I wanted to cover up.
An example, when I was 15 I needed a new swimsuit. I went shopping with my mom and grandma. At the time I was a swimmer and wanted a suit that didn't fall off when I jumped in the pool. My mom or grandma came back to the fitting room with a playboy bunny string bikini. It was white with black trim and strings and a little black bunny on the hip and on one of the triangles of the top. I didn't even want to try it on. They made me. I put it on and they were fawning over me in it. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and took it off and kept trying on more one piece 'full coverage' swimsuits.
When I got home, my grandma surprised me. She had bought me two suits. She also bought the string bikini. I told her I would probably never wear it (while thanking her, but feeling bad she bought it) and my mom said I could wear it in the back yard for sunbathing. And, I did do that a couple times, but I do remember being extremely self conscious and hoping no one could see me in it and it basically sat in my dresser drawer.
In college, my dresses were modest. I had gained a little weight and I didn't feel I 'fit' anything that was sexy and I didn't feel I felt like a sexual person. You have to be thin for that. I was not thin.
When I got married, I weighed around 190, a bit overweight for me. My husband kept working with me to feel less self conscious with my body. In that first year, I dropped to about 180, I think for a little blip, and I was beginning to see that yes, actually, I had a nice body, but again... I wanted to cover up.
But now, here I am at 41 and I want to feel sexy. I want to feel like I have a body worth showing. I'm not trying to hide myself any more. No worries, I'm not going to turn into one of those mom who are showing too much skin and trying to look like they are 18 when they are in their 40s. No way. Not me, but I would love to be able to rock a form fitting dress. Or wear a full coverage bikini (like something here: full coverage bikini ).
I am no longer afraid to show I have a figure (it's not here yet, but I'm working on it!). Or to wear something a bit fitted. I think I'm finally beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. I have accepted its imperfections (and there are plenty) and have decided I should flaunt what good features I have and just realize it's OK not to be perfect. I will always have bigger arms and bigger hips and a lower stomach full of stretch marks and probably somewhat of a gut (it's never been flat). But it's OK. I'm a 41 year old woman and that's just how my body was put together and it's how it has weathered life. I'll probably have some saggy skin too.
I guess I've just come to realize that covering up doesn't hide things and doesn't mask things. It just covers you up and makes you look like a blob which isn't flattering either. I'll always be modest in my clothing as that's just my nature, but I will relax a bit and enjoy my re-emerging figure and will try to enjoy feeling good in my body for the first time in my life.
States for 6/11/11:
Beginning weight: 255.6 Now: 201.8 (no change for three days)
Exercise total hours in 2011: 183.5
Walking/Biking total miles in 2011: 485/1000
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