Monday, February 14, 2011

So today is Valentine's Day

As a kid, like most kids, I loved Valentine's Day. We gave cards, had candy and a school party. It was fun and something to celebrate. I don't remember much about it in junior high, so it must not have been especially bad or good, but high school was difficult. The juniors used Valentine's day for the prom fundraiser. They sold carnations 1 dollar a piece in the weeks preceding Valentine's day and then on that day, the prom committee folks would deliver the flowers to your classroom in the first three periods of the day. The first problem I had was that I was always short on money - I just didn't have it, so I couldn't buy many. Second, I could never be sure I was high enough on anyone's list to get a flower from them either. I never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day (that topic is coming up), but would I get flowers? Red was for Love, Pink was for like, White was for Friend, and Yellow was for, what was it? Anything goes?

Some kids got a lot of flowers. And I'm talking A LOT. Others got a few. No one went without a flower because if no one sent you a flower, the school would buy one for you  - a yellow one and it was sent anonymously. So, of course, that was even worse than getting none! Kids would see you were a loser to get NO FLOWERS and the school had to buy one out of pity!

Those three years in high school, I would be anxious. What if I only got one yellow flower? I would curl up and die! Well, fortunately, it never happened. Every year I got 3-5, saving me from eternal embarrassment and major depression. So, that's when the problems with Valentine's Day began.

Then there's that whole being alone thing. The day for lovers when you don't have a lover is sucky. You feel like everyone in the world has someone to love and to love them back, except for you. All through high school and all through college, it was the same. Alone and it starts to fill you with self doubts. What's wrong with me? X has someone and she's gross! Why don't have someone? And so on.

And then I met my husband. How ironic that after swearing off Valentine's Day and feeling it's the worst made up Hallmark holiday ever, that I fell in love with my husband around that time and Valentine's Day marks a special anniversary for us. I went from detesting that holiday, to finding it one of the most joyous. Of course, with everyone else celebrating that weekend, we tend to avoid it on that particular day, but try to do something around then - just the two of us.

But it doesn't stay easy. Since Valentine's Day is for lovers, what happens, even if you are married, if you don't feel very loved? What happens when you are in a bad spot in the marriage (and they all have them) AND it's a special anniversary for you? It sucks twice as bad. Now you feel bad because you aren't feeling overly loved on lover's day AND your special anniversary hurts more because you aren't in the same place as you were then (a happy spot).

My husband and I have had good years and bad, but at 41 years old, and after being married for 17 years, and with two kids at home, I look at Valentine's Day as a day for the young and in love. Maybe when you were foolish enough to believe in someone romancing you for eternity. Even for us now, I think we toast it in memory of what we had and not so much what we have now. Yes, my husband and I love each other and there times the spark is still there, but you settle in. You get beaten up along the way by life, and the love matures. It's not all chocolates and flowers and fancy dinners and stuff to impress the other. It's a quiet look. A knowing smile. And Valentine's is really just another day in the life that you have to mark or else be called a jerk, but it's a day. Nothing more and it doesn't hold as much importance to me any more - good or bad.

We don't have any special plans for today. We are getting ready for our youngest son's dental surgery, I have cupcakes to take in for the little guy's Valentine's Day party (and yes, he's very excited!) and my very good friend from college and her young son are coming to visit on Wednesday. So, we'll try to catch a date night when all the excitement is over. We gave each other a kiss and said Happy Valentine's, but that's about it for celebration today.

Stats for 2/14/11:

Weight beginning - 255.6  Now: 243.0


Chest beginning: 47  Now: 46
Waist beginning: 43  Now: 40
Hips beginning: 50   Now: 49
Thigh beginning: 30  Now: 28.5
Bicep beginning: 17.75  Now: 17

Walking totals: 147 miles
Number of hours:minutes exercised: 42:00

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