My emotions are all over the place because of lack of sleep. I looked up on my little gizmo my sleep this past week and it's not good.
Tuesday: 5 hours
Wednesday: 5 hours
Thursday: 3.5 hours
Friday: 5.5 hours
Saturday: 4.5 hours
Sunday: 7 hours
Monday: 3.5 hours
By textbook, I should have gotten 56 hours of sleep in 7 days. I've gotten 34 hours. My one good night of sleep - Sunday night was still only 7 hours. That hardly makes up for the rest of it. I'm exhausted and my moods are all over the place.
Last night, I was feeling so good - almost irrationally good. I was looking at the number of people who were volunteering to teach next year for Sunday school and I was encouraged. It's still not enough, but it's more than we've seen volunteer in a long time. I counted up how many kids are in our program this year at this time compared to last year at this time and we doubled in size for kids outside of the mentoring program (9 to 19) and there's prospects for more growth. I was almost giddy as I'm excited about the possibilities.
Then, this morning, after getting even less sleep than I anticipated as my 7 year old had one of his very rare "up in the middle of the night" nights. He wasn't a happy camper this morning and he keeps breaking out into tears because the school year is ending. Change is difficult for him and even though we keep trying to show him the positives (vacation, going to museums, going to the pools - things we don't have time for during the school year), he still wallows in the "Oh no. I only have 4 days left." One of autism's effects - change is hard.
Then, I see my older son's high school assignment that he spent so much time on and was as polished as he could make it still only garnered a low B and significantly below the class average and I wonder why? I see he's still struggling all across the board and I just want to scream as part of the problem is that "I" don't do well with his ADHD because I probably have ADD and I'm sure his father has ADD. How can we help a kid with organization when we have problems with organization? I feel we let him down. I was near tears this morning. Intellectually, he's one of the brightest kids in school. Organizationally, he's probably one of the worst - not a good combo and I just hope that he can get through these horrible high school years and early college and be able to move onto his strengths (science and math) without failing out first. It's getting harder and harder with colleges too - there's less leeway for grades than ever before - his high test scores won't be enough.
And then this morning I stepped on the scale and it was up again. I knew it would be as I had another difficult day of eating - less carbs, but too much food. I'm undoing all of last months progress and I hate that. And it's because of lack of sleep and right now I can't control the amount of sleep I'm getting. I either go to bed, or I leave my struggling teen to organize on his own during the biggest crunch time he's ever experienced. If he doesn't do well on these last projects, he'll be on academic discipline and unable to do any extra curricular activities - punishing him even more for a disability he has so little control over. And I curse myself for not being like many moms I know who can keep it all together - hovering and supporting.
Ugh... but I vow not to let my emotional roller coaster affect my eating today. I took the first step yesterday by eating protein when I wanted sweets. So, I still ate too much yesterday, but I got the sugar cravings under control I think. So, it's a step in the right direction.
But everyone who encounters me today needs to treat me with kid gloves. It's just one of those days that I know I'm moody. I know I have a short fuse and there's nothing I can do about it.
Stats for 6/5/12:
Highest weight: 275 Now: 171.2
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