I've always felt that, for the most part, a person, an individual person, has very little influence in the world. I remember one time, early on in my marriage, we were talking about what we felt our roles were in the world. What are hopes were. My husband said that he would feel his life was a waste if he didn't leave an impact on the world. He would feel his life would be a waste if he didn't leave an important contribution. I felt that was so lofty... I didn't have such ideas. I just wanted to do the best I could as a human being and to try to be a good mother, a good employee, and to help others around me - to help make the world a better place by contributing my small part - no lasting legacy, but a positive blip on the radar for a second of time.
I find that I gravitate towards jobs where I feel I can help, where I can make a difference. I would love that these are high paying jobs, but they rarely are. And it's not the money that gives me satisfaction. I also can't do work that I don't feel passionate about. I couldn't 'sell' fat loss creams because I don't believe in them. I can't lie to myself or others. I couldn't work for a school I thought was bogus. I couldn't say something is fantastic, when it isn't. Also, when I care about something, I don't care about it a tiny bit. I care deeply. It becomes part of me.
That's why when I was wanting to become a mother, I learned about midwifery, benefits of breastfeeding, and I was sooooo into it. I wanted to become a midwife and seriously looked at midwifery schools. I entertained the thought of becoming a lactation consultant. I felt so strongly about it that I wanted to 'do' something about it to enlighten other people to alternative, better ways of birth than the American, surgical, high intervention way. I didn't go that route due to so much re-education and my family moving all over the place.
I've thought about going back to get my teacher's degree. I still think of that possibility. I believe kids are our future - because they are! I want to support their growth as people.
In both my part time jobs, I feel very passionate about it. I teach Sunday School and I am the director of religious education with a nontheist organization. I simply love that job. I love working with the kids and the teachers. I feel energetic around them. I get recharged working with them because I think it's important - we are teaching kids to be kind and empathetic and to think about and to question everything.
With my other part time job, I work for an organization I strongly believe in. This organization enhances people's lives by providing camps, fitness facilities, bike and walking pathways, art classes, teen centers, musical events and so on - it's an organization that promotes building and maintaining community. It improves the quality of life for thousands and thousands of people. I buy into that and I champion that and wish other communities had such organizations.
I'm always drawn to such things - trying to make our lives richer and better.
I suppose I do that with this blog too. While this is my journey and everyone's journey is different and needs to be different, perhaps seeing and hearing of my ups and downs and inner thoughts help other people deal with their journeys a bit more easily. Maybe they feel they aren't in it alone - like it seems so much of the time as we battle our own demons.
Last night I was in a discussion about personality types. And I mentioned that I was puzzled that my personality type changed. I used to be an ENTP - weak on the E and T and P. Very strong on the N. Now, with middle age, I'm an ENFJ. I'm still weak on the E, but strong on the N and now weak on the F and moderate on the J.
I read the description of ENFJs and I think it fits me fairly well. And I say this in a non-cocky way... but I think I am good with people - I understand blow-ups, people who do weird things, people who prefer to be by themselves and so on. The only time I have a hard time, really, is with people who don't think before they do - that's so hard for me to grasp! That and intentionally deceiving people. ENFJ's are "The Givers"and I'm very giving of myself - always have been. My husband is an INTP known as "The Thinkers". No one who knows my husband would be surprised at the label for him and probably for me either.
So, I give myself unto you almost every day as part of my giving nature! Want to take a personality type test? Myers Briggs doesn't do online versions, but there are several based off them and seem quite similar: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Stats for 6/7/12:
Highest weight: 275 Now: 169.0
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