This is no April Fool's message. First, I'm not witty enough to pull off an April Fool's joke. Second, I'm not mentally in a place to want to pull a April Fool's joke.
The hardest part, for me, in starting something hard - something I don't like about myself - is facing the music. Getting started. Being honest with myself and with people around me. I guess I'm secretive about things that are very painful. I don't share pain until I'm mostly over the pain and have moved on to healing. I've been that way for like... forever I think.
People will say, "but you are so open." Am I really? Or maybe I'm selectively open. When my head is in a good place, I'm very open. It's true. I can share the bad stuff that is behind me or even the bad stuff that I'm dealing with right then and there, but when my head isn't in a good place? I withdraw into myself. Completely. No one is allowed in. No one. Not my best friends. Not my children. Not my spouse. Now, if I were asked about things that might be noticed, I would answer honestly, but I wouldn't volunteer information - ever. I become extremely closed about what is the most painful.
It's why I stopped writing. It's why I stopped frequenting several boards. It's why I just "shut off".
That is what I need to work on and stop the cycle of doing it again and again. I need to stop myself from completely withdrawing. I need to keep the communication lines open. If I can do that, I can probably stay in the funk for a shorter time because I can get the help that I need much sooner. I don't know why I get into these, "I can fix it myself" mentalities. Obviously, it's not the healthiest option.
So, I'm still learning about myself. 44 years old and still figuring it all out. Will I ever?
This has been especially hard for my husband. I know he is angry, sad, disappointed, scared. When I close up like that and "hide", he feels I'm being dishonest. While I never lied about anything. It's true I am not being upfront either. Like I never said I was not taking or refilling my thyroid medicine. I just didn't say anything. When he asked last week, I told him honestly. To him that is a betrayal of sorts and I know he's angry and worried. And I understand that.
I also understand it's hard to see the person he loves be so self-harming. I lost 110 pounds the healthy and smart way. We were happy and in a very good place with our marriage. Then I gained 30 of those back and fought for a year the same 30 pounds up and down. We were still OK. Then I just stopped everything and gained an additional 45 in less than a year. I'm not too far ahead of where I was 4 years ago and my health is right back to the pits. I don't need to blood work to tell me that. I know it. I know things are all out of kilter - not just the blood pressure for which I need to regulate (again) by meds until my thyroid behaves normally again and it comes back down to normal. And my marriage? It's not in danger, but it's in a low, for sure and how could it not be when one person is pulling it down by not taking care of themselves?
But already, I'm feeling better. It started a few weeks ago and every day is a bit better. Yesterday was really, really rough as I had to face the doctor and the health issues which I knew were there. But... I faced it and there's only moving on and making it better from here and working on staying in a good place and maybe devising ways that I can't retreat into myself ever again. It not only hurts me, but the people I love.
So... I'm facing the music.
At the doctor's office yesterday with clothes and shoes the scale said 246. At home today, nude, first thing in the morning, it read 241.6 So, that is my new starting point. My end goal is to be healthy and I think an attainable, healthy weight for me is 175... which is 100 pounds from my all time high. and 10 pounds heavier than my all time low.
But my real goal is just to be healthy and to live healthy - with fitness and and with eating. I'm not going to get stuck on the pounds as much as before. I need to eat right and move right and worry less about the scale. If I do the fitness and the healthy eating, the scale should follow.
275/241.6/175
Ha! Editing to add that it's kind of fitting that on April Fool's I find out that I need to lose 66.6 pounds. 666?
I don't want to laugh, but that is an ironic weight total ;)
ReplyDeleteShutting down and keeping things private is a coping mechanism a lot of us use. It's one of the reasons I still post, even when things are going well - without accountability for myself, if nobody else, it would be so easy to slip and ignore it. :(