So, I decided to weigh myself

Just when I said I wasn't going to, I did. I got curious. And... it's all good! I'm actually down a pound from where I was the last time I weighed myself which was about 6 weeks ago. AND that was with a couple of date nights out and two conferences - one of which I totally didn't watch what I was eating.

And there has been other bigger eating days, but, it seems, I've balanced it out to neither really gain or really lose as a 1 pound loss is basically holding steady. THAT is a huge, huge success for me. That means I'm finding a balance! Yay Melissa!

But... when I stepped on that scale and realized that I was actually doing what I thought I was doing (finding a balance) that gave me extra motivation (at least for now) to do more. I could  make it to under 200 pounds by new year's if I stick to it. And my goal, ultimately is to just stay under 200 forever - ideally getting to 175, but for health and mobility reasons, at least keeping it to under 200.  That would also get me fitting into more of my clothes that are all packed up and unwearable!

I think I decided to step on the scale when I pulled out a skirt from the wardrobe that I thought would be too tight, but found, actually it fit perfectly or almost too loose. Then I knew for sure I wasn't gaining even a little bit as I had tried that skirt a couple months ago. I knew it meant I was holding steady or slightly losing.

It might give me the extra motivation to stick to better food choices during thanksgiving and Christmas season. Who knows. I want to enjoy my Thanksgiving weekend meals, but perhaps I'll skip the desserts to eat the meal.

I'm dealing with a "possibly" new food issue too. That I'll detail more tomorrow!

The scale is going down, but what?

Maybe I didn't do as well at the conference as I thought I did?  Seriously?  The scale jumped up two pounds and is now slowly working its way down.  I'm still not down to where I was during the trip.  I'm beginning to be rather perplexed!

I'm looking over my caloric intake for the past two weeks. It's well below my BMR.  It was for the trip too.  There is absolutely no reason I can see for the climb up or the slow climb down.  I have no idea where I am in my cycle.  I could be having an anovulatory cycle, but I simply don't understand being mostly still for 2 weeks.... Or better put, slowly falling, a quick rise and slowly falling again.

I'm not discouraged, but I'm not happy.  Even if I weighed in weekly, the previous two weeks are basically carbon copies of each other. Argh!

I'm not giving in, but frustration has set in. Blah! I expected my losses to slow down, but not erase!!!

Where is the read out from our brain that lets us know, "you are holding water today."  Or, "you ingested this many calories and your breakdown of carbs, protein, fats were as follows, so you should see a .2 drop on the scale today." " Sorry, for no loss on the scale today, we are holding water because of too much salt in the diet", etc.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Kind of like the computer in the Willly Wonka movie! I could deal with these unexplained things if they weren't unexplained!

Oh well... Trodding onward hopefully more downward soon!

Did something I've never done and it's a bit crazy

and I know it!

I left Thursday morning for a conference.  It was about 5-6 hours to drive here (car pooled), so we arrived Thursday evening.  My eventual plan was to try to stay on plan for the trip as much as possible. I knew it would be harder and it wouldn't be perfect, but I wasn't going to take a diet free weekend.

To ensure I would stay on plan and stay accountable, I decided to pack my scale.  Something that is completely crazy. Something I've advised against when other people ask if they should bring their scale, but in the end, when I saw I had tons of room in my little carry on suitcase, I decided to pack it.  It was a last minute decision and not well thought out, but in the suitcase it went.

When we got here Thursday night, I had only had my normal foods for the day, so the evening appetizers were my dinner. I was afraid that would be horrible, but there was hummus, cheeses, cold meats, grilled vegetables and crusty breads and crackers.  I have no way to track those calories, but it was probably petty close to being on target.

Yesterday, the first full day of the conference, I started the day about as I do usually with coffee and half and half, but had two cups throughout the day versus my usual one.  For lunch, it was a stir fry buffet, but they had nice salad options, so I had a light salad with sesame ginger dressing and 4 tiny vegetable spring rolls (about the size of my pinky from the middle knuckle up).  For dinner it was a "taste of Italy". For that meal, I had a small Caesar salad (no croutons) and two fillets of chicken, some grilled vegetables and a half slice of garlic bread. 

My carb count is up, for sure, but not in a way to trigger me, but my decisions have been intentional and controlled and I haven't felt deprived (so far).

The first day I put the scale on the industrial carpeted floor next to my bed.  Well, even that carpet interfered with an accurate reading - as much as I would love to believe the 132 pounds it said, that, of course, is impossibly too low. So, I moved it to the bathroom tile and used that this morning.

Scale is ticked up about 1.5 pounds, but that could be carb (glycogen) water weight or, my monthly gain as I near ovulation.  Time will tell, but I am trying to stay on plan and craziness or not, I have the scale to document it.

The scale knew I was mad! And closet shopping

So, the scale dropped a pound from yesterday - so I kind of forgive it, but.... not if it goes back up tomorrow. That's teasing in a mean way! That's kind of what I feel like 3 days ago weigh-in was - a TEASE!

But... I know it has to come down as I'm doing everything so that it WILL go down. I just have to be patient. Like last time, being patient as I approach the 200 pound mark is DIFFICULT as I have this artificial line in the sand that says, "Over 200 is FAT. Under 200 is the land of normal weight". For me, with this large frame I carry around, being over or under 200 really is the difference between looking obese and looking overweight.

And now, with being in the 212 range, I'm getting close to where I was last summer when I bought a few "fat clothes". The ones I NEVER wanted to wear again. Yes, well, I got too fat for those too! Now they are the beginning of the "getting thinner" clothes. I'm wearing one of the shirts now. I actually tried this one in a couple months ago and it cut off circulation in my arms and hugged WAY tight. Now... it's a bit snugger than I like to wear my shirts, but not too tight. It's kind of nice having clothes waiting for me on the way down. Cheaper. I don't have many, but enough to make it through as I HATE wearing clothes that are too baggy. It makes me feel frumpy and bigger than I am. No one wants to look bigger when they are working hard to look smaller!

I reallllly hope to get to around 206 at the end of this month, but man... it's tough going!!!

The scale was moving down.... and then it went up - HORMONES

The first two months spoiled me. I didn't have much of a LONG stretch of weight gain around ovulation and nothing around my monthly visitor. It was SO NICE. There was no guessing if maybe I was eating more than I thought I was or something like that.

This month, however, is looking eerily familiar to my past history during weight loss. I recognize the pattern quite clearly, but since it hasn't been my pattern as often, I do have some doubt. Like, is it water weight? Or is something else going on. Time will tell because if after ovulation I have a big whoosh, then I know.... if I don't, then I'm worried as I have been on plan and the scale has stopped and reversed.

So... a few days ago I got to within .2 of a pound to losing 30 pounds in 2.5 months. That is awesome! Then, next day when I stepped on the scale, the scale shot up 3 pounds. What? Well, I did eat more at maintenance that night, but I didn't overeat for sure. Next day, still up 2.5 pounds, then 2 pounds, today 2 pounds up again. How? Why? Hormones (I hope)? I want to get to 30 pounds lost for the month and the scale is playing games with me!!! Mean scale!

And, because of the bathroom scale going up, I've avoided the scale the records those weight gains. It's a mental thing... I'm keeping track, but I'm not 'recording" them because my brain doesn't deal well with unexplained up ticks. It's silly, but I want to see a nice steady downward trend on my chart, not all this zigzag water weight business. And I sure hope it's water weight.

Calendar wise I'm on day 10 of my monthly cycle and yes, that follows the old pattern of holding steady or slightly, slowly going up. Also means I have several more days of this (if I ovulate on day 14, which is also a big if with perimenopause). All I can do is keep doing what I'm doing and eat right and move right, right?

So, I'm not at 30 pounds lost "yet". I was close at 213.7, but now it's at 215.3. It will happen. I'm not self-imploding, but I'm not happy with the scale either. When you work hard and do everything right, you want to be rewarded!  Hopefully in a week, I'll get a HUGE reward which will keep me happy for a week or two until I run into hormone weight gain again and start the cycle of loathing, then loving the scale again.

Oh, and no, not weighing in does not work for me. When I don't see the scale, I tend to start eating more. Daily weighing keeps me more on task - even when it's not good. Actually, it helps more. Like last night after dinner I was really tempted to eat an ice cream bar, but then I thought, "Hmmm... that is an extra 160 calories which means even worse news for the scale."  So.... I didn't have it, but it was my breakfast this morning. Sometimes a gal just needs some ice cream!

Thank you for all the positiveness

This is no April Fool's message. First, I'm not witty enough to pull off an April Fool's joke. Second, I'm not mentally in a place to want to pull a April Fool's joke.


The hardest part, for me, in starting something hard - something I don't like about myself -  is facing the music. Getting started. Being honest with myself and with people around me. I guess I'm secretive about things that are very painful. I don't share pain until I'm mostly over the pain and have moved on to healing. I've been that way for like... forever I think.

People will say, "but you are so open." Am I really? Or maybe I'm selectively open. When my head is in a good place, I'm very open. It's true. I can share the bad stuff that is behind me or even the bad stuff that I'm dealing with right then and there, but when my head isn't in a good place? I withdraw into myself. Completely. No one is allowed in. No one. Not my best friends. Not my children. Not my spouse. Now, if I were asked about things that might be noticed, I would answer honestly, but I wouldn't volunteer information - ever. I become extremely closed about what is the most painful.

It's why I stopped writing. It's why I stopped frequenting several boards. It's why I just "shut off".

That is what I need to work on and stop the cycle of doing it again and again. I need to stop myself from completely withdrawing. I need to keep the communication lines open. If I can do that, I can probably stay in the funk for a shorter time because I can get the help that I need much sooner. I don't know why I get into these, "I can fix it myself" mentalities. Obviously, it's not the healthiest option.

So, I'm still learning about myself. 44 years old and still figuring it all out. Will I ever?

This has been especially hard for my husband. I know he is angry, sad, disappointed, scared. When I close up like that and "hide", he feels I'm being dishonest. While I never lied about anything. It's true I am not being upfront either. Like I never said I was not taking or refilling my thyroid medicine. I just didn't say anything. When he asked last week, I told him honestly. To him that is a betrayal of sorts and I know he's angry and worried. And I understand that.

I also understand it's hard to see the person he loves be so self-harming. I lost 110 pounds the healthy and smart way. We were happy and in a very good place with our marriage. Then I gained 30 of those back and fought for a year the same 30 pounds up and down. We were still OK. Then I just stopped everything and gained an additional 45 in less than a year. I'm not too far ahead of where I was 4 years ago and my health is right back to the pits. I don't need to blood work to tell me that. I know it. I know things are all out of kilter - not just the blood pressure for which I need to regulate (again) by meds until my thyroid behaves normally again and it comes back down to normal. And my marriage? It's not in danger, but it's in a low, for sure and how could it not be when one person is pulling it down by not taking care of themselves?

But already, I'm feeling better. It started a few weeks ago and every day is a bit better. Yesterday was really, really rough as I had to face the doctor and the health issues which I knew were there. But... I faced it and there's only moving on and making it better from here and working on staying in a good place and maybe devising ways that I can't retreat into myself ever again. It not only hurts me, but the people I love.

So... I'm facing the music.

At the doctor's office yesterday with clothes and shoes the scale said 246. At home today, nude, first thing in the morning, it read 241.6 So, that is my new starting point. My end goal is to be healthy and I think an attainable, healthy weight for me is 175... which is 100 pounds from my all time high. and 10 pounds heavier than my all time low.

But my real goal is just to be healthy and to live healthy - with fitness and and with eating. I'm not going to get stuck on the pounds as much as before. I need to eat right and move right and worry less about the scale. If I do the fitness and the healthy eating, the scale should follow.

275/241.6/175

Ha! Editing to add that it's kind of fitting that on April Fool's I find out that I need to lose 66.6 pounds. 666?

Amazed at how the scale can just hold still

Today is day 50,000 that the scale has read between 189.4 and 189.8. Ok, it's only day 13, but 13 days to be bouncing around the same half pound feels like 50,000 days. If my body is following it's usually ovulation rule (which I cannot rely on any more as I'm in perimenopause), it will be another 4-5 days of no losses and probably gains.

Now, if I really think about it, I'm lucky to not have seen any substantial gains as my body gears up for ovulation (which by calendar should be Monday - not that my body follows a calendar any more) as that means I must be working hard and eating right, I should see a gain Sunday and Monday for sure though if I do ovulate as I always spike up temporarily.

But, when I look at my eating and my exercise for the past 14 days, I should see a loss according to the gizmo I wear (and by past history of what it takes to lose).

Here is what my gizmo has to say for the last 14 days including today which is still blank. That only means my totals will look even better at the end of the day. I might update this chart this evening to reflect that. (remember to click on them to make them full size).

I didn't copy page four as all that shows is my weight change over the course of those 14 days and of which you would find nothing as I didn't record the minute up and down movements on the scale.

So, according to my gizmo, which doesn't even record accurately what I do for movement, I should have lost 3.2 pounds. And, it undercounts my activities. It doesn't count strength training almost at all (the low days you see on the chart were all strength days except the two Sundays where I don't work out). And it also only counts step aerobics as a moderate exercise, not vigorous. I've done that 5 times in the last two weeks and it is rigorous exercise. I didn't wear my heart rate monitor while doing it, but during the heart rate checks, where we actually slow down to be able to do the checks, the checks were both over 150. So, my heat was going up into the 155-160 range - that is vigorous for me! Last night, for example, it gave me only 5 minutes of vigorous activity when I actually was in the aerobic zone for at least 26 minutes (as I was watching the clock) - that does not count any warm-up or cool-down time. 

So, basically, I probably truly lost MORE than 3 pounds in the last two weeks, but the scale still says I haven't lost anything -yet. Man, even when it does show the losses on the scale eventually, it takes a lot to lose 4 pounds and is so easy to gain them!

All I can do for now though is to speculate and hope that it will show a 3-4 pound loss in a few days. Ugh... so hard to see the same weight on the scale day after day when you are working so hard on losing!

Plan for this holiday versus last holiday season

Last year I took a planned break from exercise and eating regime. I had been 100% on task for 11 months and I decided a break was what I needed.

I thought it would do me good - and in a way it did. I just got discouraged afterward at how long it took me to lose the weight I had put on. I also got frustrated at how much I had to back pedal at the gym, especially with weights.

This last year, the entire freaking year, has been - gain, lose, gain. lose and recently gain and now losing. Started the year around 184, got down to 175 back up a bit, dow to 165, up to 175, then up to 185, then down to 174 and now back up to 183 and working my way down (currently 182).

Some of the ups and downs were injury related, Some were just getting lax. Some was vacation stuff. But this year, even though I didn't intend it to be, was very much a "how will this go the rest of my life". Up and down and up and down.

I tend to have big swings on the scale. My body reacts quite strongly to eating carbs. So it can climb up 10 pounds in a week with most of it being water weight. Unfortunately, it doesn't come off as quickly (usually). I know it's not all fat as I can see the swelling in my feet and I keep a tally on the calories in, but big, wild swings will probably be the name of the game for the rest of my life.

As I've had a year to see where my body likes to settle and where my eating habits are concerned and exercise habits go, I'm thinking for realistic measures, between 160-170 will be my maintenance range. Hoping to keep it around 165. That's a good, realistic weight for me. Should be a maintainable weight too. We'll see how it goes, but I am more wanting to work on body fat percentage. I want to real shoot for 25% which I think, with exercise and working out I should be there at/around 165.

To do that though, I absolutely do not want to take a break in December. So far so good with holiday parties, etc. We have already had one party - and I didn't go crazy. I didn't take a break day for my birthday (had yummy swordfish with a pomegranate green peppercorn reduction with a pomegranate salsa with a side of steamed broccoli). This weekend we have another party, and I will not go crazy and I do not plan to do a lot of baking this year. I am doing one big bake off today and probably one next week - that's it.

I want to start the year not up on the scale, but DOWN so that I can start the year not having to go even further than I need to go from here. Right now, I have 17 pounds to get to 165. I don't want to make that 20 or 25 pounds!

So, no holiday breaks this year. This year was the year of breaks and enough of that!

Tomorrow, I'll detail my plan a bit.

Scale 182.4