"I cheated on my diet today." Or, "I gave in and had bad foods today." These are phrases I hate. They're phrases that I think are harmful and the wrong look at how we eat and how we view food.
The point is not to be "on a diet" per se, but to change how we approach food and how we look at food since, at least those of us who are obese, have food issues or an unhealthy relationship with food.
So, many of us "go on a diet" to get thinner. Many people think that once they get thin, they can go off their diet. For the most part that is a recipe for gaining all the weight back again because you will go right back to the habits that made you fat in the first place!
An alternative is to change how we eat - permanently. For myself, I've gotten the "how to lose weight" down pat. The "permanent" part is where I still struggle, but I don't think it's in my method of losing weight or how I view food, it's that I revert to old behaviors as soon as I get depressed, which for me, is seasonal. I need to work on THAT part (and I am) so that I don't revert back to old habits.
But, back to these phrases - why do I think they are harmful? Because thinking of "cheating on a diet" shows that you don't understand that this is a lifelong process. There is no way in hell that anyone can go their entire life without ever having a piece of cake, or cookies. There will be weddings and parties and there will be times you simply WANT that cinnamon roll.
Today that was me. I was at IKEA yesterday, so I bought cinnamon rolls for the family. I had no plan on eating any, but for breakfast this morning we had blueberries and strawberries fresh from the field. I really wanted a cinnamon roll, so I cut one in half and ate it. And savored it. And enjoyed it. I didn't deprive myself of the experience. I didn't try to substitute a cinnamon Quest bar instead. No, I ate a true half cinnamon roll - 170 calories of pure carb and fat heaven.
Did I cheat? No. I just need to account for it in my plan. Means that today my carb count will be a bit higher and I might want to choose my meals differently today - or not. I just know that making that choice means that the scale will not drop as much this week because of that choice. I recognize that and move on.
I don't feel deprived. I know this journey will be long (and forever) and if it takes me 5 years to lose the weight versus 7 months - oh well - it's all good as I'm NOT IN THIS FOR A RACE, but to change my relationship with food!!!! Goal is to make good decisions most of the time and to be able to live with the plan I'm on.
I've been on this plan now for just shy of 3 weeks and that half cinnamon roll is the first off plan thing I've wanted or eaten. I would say that's pretty good and if I keep that up, I'll be in good shape! AND I won't feel like I have to "give everything good food up for life".
And then there is the idea of bad foods. Food is food. Some give us more nutritional value than others, but they all provide energy and viewing a few as bad also shows that we don't have a healthy relationship with food. Yes, I should avoid eating too many of certain foods - and for me that involves sugars, but I don't view those foods as bad, just not the best choice for me.
My foods yesterday were: half and half in my coffee, a Quest protein bar, and then a homemade taco salad of spring greens, seasoned lean ground beef, shredded cheese, avocado, bell peppers, and homemade salsa with a sprinkling of crushed blue corn tortilla chips.
My foods today will be: half and half in my coffee, strawberries and blueberries with a big dollop of whipped cream, a half cinnamon roll, a quest protein bar, and a slightly smaller taco salad that is similar to the night before.
If I look at those meals, I could say, "well, half and half has a lot of fat and some carbs because it's a dairy product. A protein bar isn't "real food", and I ate a few tortilla chips. Those were bad, right? To me - no. I had a very completely, healthy day that works for me and I made good choices on Friday, and slightly less good choices on Saturday.
If my day would have looked like this: A cinnamon roll, Kraft Macaroni and cheese, and cheese pizza for supper with a cookie for dessert, that would be a bad choice day for me as I got very little nutritionally -especially for me this would be bad because it would be carb heavy and A DAY of eating like this would throw me into craving mode. I wouldn't want to make these choices often, but if I did... I did. I would move on to better choices the next day.
So... if you want to do this as a lifelong change of food relationships - stop the mentality of all or nothing (which cheating is part of) and start thinking of it's one day at a time, one meal at a time, for the rest of your life. THAT is probably the only way it will be a lifelong weight loss success.
Oh, and one other thing - if you cannot stick to your plan and find yourself straying away from it too much, the plan isn't working for you and you should change it before you completely give up. "Diets" don't need to be boring and horrible. Your diet should be something you can maintain forever and ever (as you will need to, for the most part).
My dad died from a heart attack at 42 and I was heading for a similar fate. Worked for 2 years to get fit and lost all the weight, but I cound't keep the weight off. For an additional 2 years I stumbled, but never got my feet under me. In April in 2018 I had a stroke at 48 years old. I simply had to get healthier. I'm less confident, more scared about ever leading the health life I want to live. I have stumbled so many times.
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
I sometimes wonder how we got such strict notions about when to eat food?
Where did the "rules" of eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner come from? And why is it odd if someone skips some of those meals? LOTS of people skip breakfast and for most of my lifetime, we were chastised for not eating properly for skipping that meal. Some people skip lunch as they eat a hearty breakfast, but what about those who prefer to eat most of their calories in one meal? How and why does that seem wrong or odd?
Right now I consume about 275 calories during the day - and the rest at dinner and I LOVE IT. I have something in the morning. My metabolism is starting, I eat something midday to keep the hunger pangs away, and then I eat a most glorious, full dinner. Oh my goodness it's lovely. I don't have to worry about overeating (especially since I cook at home). I can just enjoy (while eating wholesome, low carb foods). I don't feel deprived at all. And, as dinner is the social meal in our home, it works well. I can eat and be part of the family dinner completely.
Doing this also keeps my blood sugars low throughout the day. I don't feel overly tired or worn out as I'm getting enough energy from food, but I find it so much easier and seem to suffer less deprivity with eating this way, than with eating three smallish meals a day.
Yet, everything states you should eat at regular intervals throughout the day - many saying 5-6 small meals being better than 3 larger meals. Yet, when I do that, I feel hungrier and that makes sense as it gets the insulin flowing.
It can be tricky with lunch meetings, etc, but then I can switch WHEN my main meal is for the day, or, make this my special occasion meals and then just eat a smaller dinner (if needed) later. Yet, when you mention fasting for the most part for most of the day, most people are aghast and spout how terrible it is for my health to eat this way.
But is it really? If it means I can get within a normal weight range? What is worse? And WHY is more meals better than less meals? Research on that for Type 2 diabetics is changing too.
Ironically, I used to pshaw this approach to eating, but man... now I simply love it! Like last night I ate two farm made sage sausages, a bit of egg noodles (trying to limit carbs), several roasted mini peppers, and a bunch of broccoli. About 700 calories for the meal.
The other night, I had three (medium) sized eggs, over easy, with two pieces of buttered toast, and a salad of pepper, tomato, avocado with olive oil and vinegar for 800 calories. The night before that I had a stir fry of chicken breast, cashews, peanut oil, and tons of variety of veggies for 800 calories. And the day before that I had 10 ozs. of steak and a bunch of roasted peppers for 700 calories.
I eat and feel satisfied. Before that, I was eating a small breakfast, a morning snack, a small lunch, an afternoon snack, and then a small dinner. I never, ever ate and felt satisfied. I ate enough to "get by" but it added up to more calories than fasting throughout the day and feasting at night.
I still keep it "lowish" carb and get most of my calories from proteins and fat, but I enjoy those foods and I FEEL FULL! Not STUFFED, but satisfyingly full.
A quick look just told me that it's the "new thing" in dieting, so I guess it is gaining in popularity, but it's still rare from what I see, but I think it's my now forever diet and I'm so happy to have found it thanks to JohnP (wherever you have landed John!)
Here are some articles - not saying it's "proven". It's not. NONE of the diet things are proven, but it works for me and works really well in making me feel less deprived.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-intermittent-fasting-might-help-you-live-longer-healthier-life/
http://www.today.com/health/should-you-really-be-fasting-3-diet-myths-get-busted-t21316
http://news.islandcrisis.net/2015/05/stay-younger-by-fasting-intermittently/
Right now I consume about 275 calories during the day - and the rest at dinner and I LOVE IT. I have something in the morning. My metabolism is starting, I eat something midday to keep the hunger pangs away, and then I eat a most glorious, full dinner. Oh my goodness it's lovely. I don't have to worry about overeating (especially since I cook at home). I can just enjoy (while eating wholesome, low carb foods). I don't feel deprived at all. And, as dinner is the social meal in our home, it works well. I can eat and be part of the family dinner completely.
Doing this also keeps my blood sugars low throughout the day. I don't feel overly tired or worn out as I'm getting enough energy from food, but I find it so much easier and seem to suffer less deprivity with eating this way, than with eating three smallish meals a day.
Yet, everything states you should eat at regular intervals throughout the day - many saying 5-6 small meals being better than 3 larger meals. Yet, when I do that, I feel hungrier and that makes sense as it gets the insulin flowing.
It can be tricky with lunch meetings, etc, but then I can switch WHEN my main meal is for the day, or, make this my special occasion meals and then just eat a smaller dinner (if needed) later. Yet, when you mention fasting for the most part for most of the day, most people are aghast and spout how terrible it is for my health to eat this way.
But is it really? If it means I can get within a normal weight range? What is worse? And WHY is more meals better than less meals? Research on that for Type 2 diabetics is changing too.
Ironically, I used to pshaw this approach to eating, but man... now I simply love it! Like last night I ate two farm made sage sausages, a bit of egg noodles (trying to limit carbs), several roasted mini peppers, and a bunch of broccoli. About 700 calories for the meal.
The other night, I had three (medium) sized eggs, over easy, with two pieces of buttered toast, and a salad of pepper, tomato, avocado with olive oil and vinegar for 800 calories. The night before that I had a stir fry of chicken breast, cashews, peanut oil, and tons of variety of veggies for 800 calories. And the day before that I had 10 ozs. of steak and a bunch of roasted peppers for 700 calories.
I eat and feel satisfied. Before that, I was eating a small breakfast, a morning snack, a small lunch, an afternoon snack, and then a small dinner. I never, ever ate and felt satisfied. I ate enough to "get by" but it added up to more calories than fasting throughout the day and feasting at night.
I still keep it "lowish" carb and get most of my calories from proteins and fat, but I enjoy those foods and I FEEL FULL! Not STUFFED, but satisfyingly full.
A quick look just told me that it's the "new thing" in dieting, so I guess it is gaining in popularity, but it's still rare from what I see, but I think it's my now forever diet and I'm so happy to have found it thanks to JohnP (wherever you have landed John!)
Here are some articles - not saying it's "proven". It's not. NONE of the diet things are proven, but it works for me and works really well in making me feel less deprived.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-intermittent-fasting-might-help-you-live-longer-healthier-life/
http://www.today.com/health/should-you-really-be-fasting-3-diet-myths-get-busted-t21316
http://news.islandcrisis.net/2015/05/stay-younger-by-fasting-intermittently/
Thursday, June 4, 2015
What plan works for me - it may or may not work for you
I do not follow one particular diet plan. There are things I try to do that are parts of other plans, but it's not the entire plan. For the most part though, I flip the food pyramid upside down - sort of. Grains are definitely at the lowest and everything else is pretty equal. As the title states. This works for me. Might not work for someone else. It's taken years and lots of trial and error to find this path I'm taking. But if you are carb sensitive, most of this might work for you. And if you are loathe to give up big meals, parts of this might work for you too. This is just "my" path.
1. I reduce/limit my carb intake. And that is ANY carb except most fruits and some starchy vegetables. Those do not create the cravings/sugar problems that I have like when I eat bread or pasta or cookies. I'm not sure if I'm in a ketogenic state most of the time or not. I don't really care about that. Though, I probably often am in a ketogenic state.
2. As part of that, I am not on a high protein or a high fat diet in itself. I'm just on low carb and I don't really care about the division of calories from there on. Most of the time though, fats are higher than proteins as I eat a lot of nuts, olive oil and avocados, as well as meats, dairy and eggs. Fats are fine. Low fat makes me hungry. So, I drink half and half in my coffee. I use butter to cook my eggs. I will eat the skin of the chicken. I use olive oil on my salad, etc. ALL those things make me more full for longer. I don't try to load up on fats or on protein - so some days it's higher in one and another day higher in another.
3. I count calories. I cannot just eat for hunger as I cannot rely on my body telling me the truth and nothing about the truth when it comes to hunger. That's how I got to be obese! At least that's how I got obese with eating all the carb heavy foods I want. I track every morsel I put in my mouth, but I eyeball amounts (with occasionally measuring to make sure my eye is fairly accurate).
4. While I calorie count, I give myself a range and I will eat less than my allotted amount if I'm not hungry and will eat more than my allotted amount if I'm feeling very hungry. I am not stuck on a number and will not eat more just to get my calories in. Nor will I get mad at myself if I eat 100 calories more than I allotted as "ideal". These are frameworks, not something to live and die by. ESPECIALLY since calorie counting is never specific anyway. That apple you grab can be anywhere from 50-120 calories! Nothing can be so accurate!
5. I do a form of intermittent fasting and I love it. I only recently discovered this (last spring/summer when I was losing). And I feel less hungry throughout the day as I think it keeps my insulin levels lower. And little things matter! When I have coffee with milk versus coffee with half and half, I get way hungrier way earlier in the morning. That fat holds me. It costs me an extra 50 calories over whole milk calories in the morning, but saves me from a 200 calorie snack later in the day! My typical day (right now) is coffee with half and half in the morning, a protein bar around noon for lunch and then a HUGE dinner - the only meal I make for the day anyway and it's the only meal we all sit down together for. This way I pretty much get to enjoy as much of it as I want. I don't feel deprived as I can eat a 700-800 calorie dinner without feeling guilty about it! Shortly before I got derailed a couple years ago, I was getting so hungry in the day, that I ate my allotted calories for the day before dinner, so I never got to enjoy dinner I prepared for the family or only got to eat bits of it. That stank!
6. I never eat back exercise calories. If I exercise for an hour, I do not eat more because of it. It just means I'll see more loss for the day. Unless, of course, I do feel hungry, but since exercise is an appetite suppressant for me, that's rare.
7. I work hard on trying to get enough sleep. If I can do that, it's easier to do all of the above!
And all of this should be lifelong because it's easy to follow and stick to - as long as I don't get seriously depressed or exhausted.
And, with that, the scale gave me a big drop today after holding pretty steady for days - great example of what I was talking about yesterday!
Restart 5/18/15:
Down 12.8 pounds
1. I reduce/limit my carb intake. And that is ANY carb except most fruits and some starchy vegetables. Those do not create the cravings/sugar problems that I have like when I eat bread or pasta or cookies. I'm not sure if I'm in a ketogenic state most of the time or not. I don't really care about that. Though, I probably often am in a ketogenic state.
2. As part of that, I am not on a high protein or a high fat diet in itself. I'm just on low carb and I don't really care about the division of calories from there on. Most of the time though, fats are higher than proteins as I eat a lot of nuts, olive oil and avocados, as well as meats, dairy and eggs. Fats are fine. Low fat makes me hungry. So, I drink half and half in my coffee. I use butter to cook my eggs. I will eat the skin of the chicken. I use olive oil on my salad, etc. ALL those things make me more full for longer. I don't try to load up on fats or on protein - so some days it's higher in one and another day higher in another.
3. I count calories. I cannot just eat for hunger as I cannot rely on my body telling me the truth and nothing about the truth when it comes to hunger. That's how I got to be obese! At least that's how I got obese with eating all the carb heavy foods I want. I track every morsel I put in my mouth, but I eyeball amounts (with occasionally measuring to make sure my eye is fairly accurate).
4. While I calorie count, I give myself a range and I will eat less than my allotted amount if I'm not hungry and will eat more than my allotted amount if I'm feeling very hungry. I am not stuck on a number and will not eat more just to get my calories in. Nor will I get mad at myself if I eat 100 calories more than I allotted as "ideal". These are frameworks, not something to live and die by. ESPECIALLY since calorie counting is never specific anyway. That apple you grab can be anywhere from 50-120 calories! Nothing can be so accurate!
5. I do a form of intermittent fasting and I love it. I only recently discovered this (last spring/summer when I was losing). And I feel less hungry throughout the day as I think it keeps my insulin levels lower. And little things matter! When I have coffee with milk versus coffee with half and half, I get way hungrier way earlier in the morning. That fat holds me. It costs me an extra 50 calories over whole milk calories in the morning, but saves me from a 200 calorie snack later in the day! My typical day (right now) is coffee with half and half in the morning, a protein bar around noon for lunch and then a HUGE dinner - the only meal I make for the day anyway and it's the only meal we all sit down together for. This way I pretty much get to enjoy as much of it as I want. I don't feel deprived as I can eat a 700-800 calorie dinner without feeling guilty about it! Shortly before I got derailed a couple years ago, I was getting so hungry in the day, that I ate my allotted calories for the day before dinner, so I never got to enjoy dinner I prepared for the family or only got to eat bits of it. That stank!
6. I never eat back exercise calories. If I exercise for an hour, I do not eat more because of it. It just means I'll see more loss for the day. Unless, of course, I do feel hungry, but since exercise is an appetite suppressant for me, that's rare.
7. I work hard on trying to get enough sleep. If I can do that, it's easier to do all of the above!
And all of this should be lifelong because it's easy to follow and stick to - as long as I don't get seriously depressed or exhausted.
And, with that, the scale gave me a big drop today after holding pretty steady for days - great example of what I was talking about yesterday!
Restart 5/18/15:
Down 12.8 pounds
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Twenty pounds down since April 3nd
April 1st I stepped on the scale at home. It read 241.6. April 2nd AND April 3rd (so it couldn't be a fluke) it read 243.6. Today I reached exactly, to the ounce 20 pounds since April 3rd. That is 20 pounds in 7 weeks and 2 days. That is remarkable fast. But I also gained that 20 pounds remarkably fast - I think I gained in it about 2 months too.
Things I'm doing differently this time, versus last time is that I'm being more 'free' with what I eat and I've switched to a type of intermittent fasting. It jives much better with family eating and I feel less hungry overall.
So, for breakfast I have half caff. coffee with a half cup of half and half. It's a luxuriously wonderful coffee. The fat in that coffee keeps me satisfied until 1 pm-ish. I then eat a tablespoon or two of peanut butter, maybe an apple with it too - depending on how famished I feel.
That keeps me satisfied until 6:30 pm when we have dinner. Then, because I've only eaten 300-400 calories so far for the day, I can eat as much as I want of dinner (minus the startchy carb). I can have a big piece of meat, tons of veggies, etc. Our dinners are always the most varied meal of the day, so I get to truly enjoy it. Like, last night we had scrambled eggs (made with butter) with a red pepper, purple onion and avocado salad. It was delicious!
What I'm also doing differently is that if I really want a sweet or starchy treat, I allow it - in small doses. Like, after gardening for 7 plus hours the other day, I let myself have an ice cream sandwich (180 calories). Last night at dinner I also made homemade garlic bread (italian bread smothered in chopped garlic and butter). I let myself have two thin, small slices of that for about 300 calories. I keep those in check, but I won't deny myself them.
Mostly, I think allowing a really nice, scrumptious BIG dinner where I actually feel full has been wonderful. And for whatever reason, I am able to manage hunger during the day with a bit of fat. That leaves me with 700-900 calories for dinner at night! Yay!
I'm also not killing myself with exercise. I AM exercising and getting faster, but I'm keeping it at walking for now. I should be able to walk my entire life and some of the healthiest people I know are walkers. So.... I walk and I am already getting faster. On a walk with my husband and older son the other day they said, "Why are you running?" TWICE. I hadn't even realized I had picked up my pace that much.
And, about yesterday's post. The skies didn't fall in. I didn't die. AND, I did it!
Plan for the day is mowing and gardening and cooking. Love this time of year!
Things I'm doing differently this time, versus last time is that I'm being more 'free' with what I eat and I've switched to a type of intermittent fasting. It jives much better with family eating and I feel less hungry overall.
So, for breakfast I have half caff. coffee with a half cup of half and half. It's a luxuriously wonderful coffee. The fat in that coffee keeps me satisfied until 1 pm-ish. I then eat a tablespoon or two of peanut butter, maybe an apple with it too - depending on how famished I feel.
That keeps me satisfied until 6:30 pm when we have dinner. Then, because I've only eaten 300-400 calories so far for the day, I can eat as much as I want of dinner (minus the startchy carb). I can have a big piece of meat, tons of veggies, etc. Our dinners are always the most varied meal of the day, so I get to truly enjoy it. Like, last night we had scrambled eggs (made with butter) with a red pepper, purple onion and avocado salad. It was delicious!
What I'm also doing differently is that if I really want a sweet or starchy treat, I allow it - in small doses. Like, after gardening for 7 plus hours the other day, I let myself have an ice cream sandwich (180 calories). Last night at dinner I also made homemade garlic bread (italian bread smothered in chopped garlic and butter). I let myself have two thin, small slices of that for about 300 calories. I keep those in check, but I won't deny myself them.
Mostly, I think allowing a really nice, scrumptious BIG dinner where I actually feel full has been wonderful. And for whatever reason, I am able to manage hunger during the day with a bit of fat. That leaves me with 700-900 calories for dinner at night! Yay!
I'm also not killing myself with exercise. I AM exercising and getting faster, but I'm keeping it at walking for now. I should be able to walk my entire life and some of the healthiest people I know are walkers. So.... I walk and I am already getting faster. On a walk with my husband and older son the other day they said, "Why are you running?" TWICE. I hadn't even realized I had picked up my pace that much.
And, about yesterday's post. The skies didn't fall in. I didn't die. AND, I did it!
Plan for the day is mowing and gardening and cooking. Love this time of year!
Monday, April 28, 2014
Great TED talk and my thoughts on it
The other day on a weight loss forum, someone brought up this TED talk. It aired when I was "off the wagon", so I never saw it, so I'm grateful to have had someone point it out.
Watch it here: Peter Attia: Is the Obesity Crisis Hiding a Bigger Problem? It's only 15 minutes long and worth the listen. The blip about the talk says this:
In the talk he doesn't say anything about diet and what to do to help with the precursors to diabetes, but that maybe our thoughts of, "people get fat because they eat too much and move too little" is too simplistic. Maybe the question should be "why do people eat too much and move too little?" And, "Is there something that leads to people eating too much?" And, "Is there something biologically leading some people to eating more than they should and to not exercise when they know they should?" It's a reversal of common thought. Which problem comes first?
It's an interesting topic because I often wonder how not all Americans are overweight. I mean really. We have food EVERYWHERE. Abundances of it nearly everywhere. Food companies have perfected flavors to tantalize our palette. The chips are just salty enough without being too salty, etc. They have learned that we love fat and salt and sugar. Fat has fallen out of favor (and that is a major part of flavor), so they took out the fat and added more salt and more sugar to tempt our taste buds. They might even be able to say it's lower calorie with the fat removed as it might be less calories with the sugar added than with the fat added. Lower calorie? People LOVE that! They'll eat more! Back to this in a minute.
And food is CHEAP. Ok, we may not think all food is cheap, but really? Most foods, junk foods, are pretty darn cheap. I can pick up a box of macaroni and cheese for less than a buck and spend less than a buck more to make it at home. A $2 meal for two. That is CHEAP. A package of Oreos is often on sale for $2, etc.
Besides food being cheap, there are events and parties all the time - birthday parties, bridal and baby showers, festivals, carnivals and holidays. Our holidays are even expanding - we have Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day, etc. Throw in Pi Day and Dr. Seuss' birthday and there's more reasons to eat more food!
I have NOTHING against food. I love food. I just made a very high calorie and very high fat cake for a baby shower yesterday. Food is great! Food is part of life and celebration and has been forever and ever and always will be... but we have too much of it!
So then why aren't we all fat? Seriously? Why is not every single American fat? Ok... some of us exercise. Some of us have manual labor jobs, but some people have a pretty easy time of not overeating. They don't have problems with just saying, "I've had enough." And all I can think is, "Wow! How do you do that? I've almost never had enough!"
My husband is like that. He will have a singe square of chocolate. He still has Christmas candy from his stocking for crying out loud! He's only eaten a couple small things from his Easter basket. Most of the time the kids grab his stuff before he has a chance to finish it. He'll take a slice of Easter bread. That's it. One slice. There is nothing compelling him to take more. I used to be in awe of that... until I learned to the be same - but by eating completely differently (more on that in a minute too).
What I can see then is that some people have better "control" than others. Some people don't eat too much because they are better at stopping themselves from overeating. But do they have better "in control" brain muscles? Or is it that their brains/bodies don't get the signal of EAT THIS (in not so subliminal) messages? As much as some other people? Is it simply easier for some people to stop eating and to keep from eating because their brains aren't as MEAN and TRICKY as to make them want to eat more? Is it really about who has better control? or who has lucky genes to help them be in better control? Maybe, just maybe, when these people, like my husband, say, "I've had enough" they really mean it? Unlike when I used to say it and to say it, but I really want MORE and MORE and MORE!!!! Can that be?
So, back to the food companies adding more sugar to food when they took out the fat and how this made us fatter. There were studies that too much fat, especially saturated fat was bad for you. It was bad for your heart. It was bad for cholesterol. Just stay away from fats. Well, yogurt without fat tastes bland. So... let's up the sugar content because sugar tastes good. Even if we didn't add sugar, by taking out the fat, we are leaving just the sugars and protein (take milk as an example) and then all our body is processing in that food is sugar and protein without the fat. That makes our insulin spike and since the food was less filling without the fat, we get hungrier faster and therefore eat sooner and more often, and laced with more sugar to keep our sugar levels high. See the article on milk.
What is happening is that more and more people are walking around with raised blood sugar levels with our way of eating low fat, but higher sugar diets. Sugar digest quickly. Insulin spikes and then crashes, making us hungry... and hungry for more sugar. Eating more sugar is making people obese and lazy and here is how.
This is from the transcript of the Peter Attia Ted Talk at minute five:
In general though what is means is that many people who have insulin resistance need to reduce the amount of insulin released into the blood stream to keep from getting fat. They need this to keep these messages from entering the brain to eat more food and to be a couch potato - especially sugary foods.
After listening to the TED Talk, I looked up Peter Attia. Guess how he eats? High fat, high protein with much fewer carbs. I love his explanation of how he eats to keep his body 'in check' and how his wife can eat differently to stay in check- because of how they hit the genetic lottery in how their body processes sugar. Please read. This is from Peter Attia's website.
I saw it now with this recent regain I had. Yes, overeating led to me gaining weight and being less physically active. There is no doubt about that. But what led to the overeating and being more lazy? The sugars did. I let them back into my life when I got depressed and then the insulin hormone took over. And I watched myself, almost like an out of body experience get more and more and more out of control with wanting more and more and more food. And almost all of it sugar, sugar, sugar. And I gained quickly as guess what? My body is also really good at storing fat in response to the insulin hormone making me eat more carbs and wanting me to slow down (ie. be more lazy) to store more fat.
That's why I gained 20 pounds in a month when we were in Croatia two summers ago - despite walking, despite hiking, despite swimming daily. As soon as we got there I saw I would have a hard time avoiding carbs. So, my diet changed and I saw as the month went by that towards the end I was sneaking cookies as my ability to deny the carb monster diminished and my desire to swim more and hike more diminished too. No one else went through this. When we got back from vacation my mother in law lost weight and she ate more on vacation than at home because she wanted to indulge in all the foods she doesn't normally find in the states. My husband didn't gain or lose and he ate more than normally, and I gained 20 pounds. Some of it was glycogen stores, but most of it wasn't. I never took all that weight off again. It took me months and months to whittle down some of it - from one month of eating lots of carbs. And it was hard to get back on track. The insulin hormone is very convincing in telling my body to eat more and move less. I just have to shut the insulin production down to much lower levels in the blood stream to keep from overeating and getting lazy.
Now, I'm getting it. For many people a calorie is not just a calorie. A carb calorie is digested quickly. And it spikes insulin which wants me to eat more calories because my cells don't process it properly. Protein and fat calories take longer to digest, keeping me fuller longer and they don't spike my insulin, so I don't want to eat more.
Is there a magic line of how many carbs are too many carbs? For some people, yes. And that magic line is different for every one of those people depending on how lucky or unlucky they are in the genetic lottery. I think I got pretty unlucky. I need to steer clear from simple and most complex carbs. When I do, my life is sooooooooo much easier.
That gets back to the other point I wanted to get back to. My husband is not insulin resistant. He doesn't have to eat a certain way to keep himself from gaining weight. I am insulin resistant and I do have to eat a certain way to keep myself from gaining weight. When I eat a low carb diet, I can control my eating and I feel more energetic. All of a sudden I am the person who is strong enough to resist the extra piece of cake or the cookies sitting on the counter right under my nose. I am more willing to go for a walk and have good character of taking care of myself. I am not strong enough if insulin is coursing through my veins. The hormones are telling me to eat and slow down at that point. Driving me to eat and be lazy. As Peter Attia says here in this video of other times and other hormones that make us want to eat: 2 minute video
So, for some people having a piece of cake is just having a piece of cake - like for my husband. For other people it's opening a Pandora's box. I had a piece of cake yesterday which was fortunately also very high fat to keep me satiated. But, I'm starving today. and I feel lazy. If I would have eaten the same amount of calories yesterday with lower carbs, I probably wouldn't feel so hungry and I probably wouldn't feel so lazy. The insulin would have stayed in check.
My husband doesn't quite understand it and he does frown a bit at my half and half in my morning coffee versus skim milk, but that half and half keeps me satiated all morning until lunch time. The skim milk would have me running for a 500 calorie breakfast within an hour. It might not be what others do to keep the eating in check, but it's what I have to do. And I am SOOOOO glad that more and more and more research is backing this up. Fat is beginning to be seen as a good thing, even saturated fats aren't seen quite as bad. Sugar is the new foe and it's about time as it seems pretty obvious to me and those of us who fit the camp of gainers due to sugar/carbs consumption.
And with that said, the scale dropped a whole pound today. Finally moving again after a week of nothing.
Watch it here: Peter Attia: Is the Obesity Crisis Hiding a Bigger Problem? It's only 15 minutes long and worth the listen. The blip about the talk says this:
As a young surgeon, Peter Attia felt contempt for a patient with diabetes. She was overweight, he thought, and thus responsible for the fact that she needed a foot amputation. But years later, Attia received an unpleasant medical surprise that led him to wonder: is our understanding of diabetes right? Could the precursors to diabetes cause obesity, and not the other way around? A look at how assumptions may be leading us to wage the wrong medical war.Like in a lot of cases, it took until he had a problem before he started to understand that maybe there was more to this.
In the talk he doesn't say anything about diet and what to do to help with the precursors to diabetes, but that maybe our thoughts of, "people get fat because they eat too much and move too little" is too simplistic. Maybe the question should be "why do people eat too much and move too little?" And, "Is there something that leads to people eating too much?" And, "Is there something biologically leading some people to eating more than they should and to not exercise when they know they should?" It's a reversal of common thought. Which problem comes first?
It's an interesting topic because I often wonder how not all Americans are overweight. I mean really. We have food EVERYWHERE. Abundances of it nearly everywhere. Food companies have perfected flavors to tantalize our palette. The chips are just salty enough without being too salty, etc. They have learned that we love fat and salt and sugar. Fat has fallen out of favor (and that is a major part of flavor), so they took out the fat and added more salt and more sugar to tempt our taste buds. They might even be able to say it's lower calorie with the fat removed as it might be less calories with the sugar added than with the fat added. Lower calorie? People LOVE that! They'll eat more! Back to this in a minute.
And food is CHEAP. Ok, we may not think all food is cheap, but really? Most foods, junk foods, are pretty darn cheap. I can pick up a box of macaroni and cheese for less than a buck and spend less than a buck more to make it at home. A $2 meal for two. That is CHEAP. A package of Oreos is often on sale for $2, etc.
Besides food being cheap, there are events and parties all the time - birthday parties, bridal and baby showers, festivals, carnivals and holidays. Our holidays are even expanding - we have Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day, etc. Throw in Pi Day and Dr. Seuss' birthday and there's more reasons to eat more food!
I have NOTHING against food. I love food. I just made a very high calorie and very high fat cake for a baby shower yesterday. Food is great! Food is part of life and celebration and has been forever and ever and always will be... but we have too much of it!
So then why aren't we all fat? Seriously? Why is not every single American fat? Ok... some of us exercise. Some of us have manual labor jobs, but some people have a pretty easy time of not overeating. They don't have problems with just saying, "I've had enough." And all I can think is, "Wow! How do you do that? I've almost never had enough!"
My husband is like that. He will have a singe square of chocolate. He still has Christmas candy from his stocking for crying out loud! He's only eaten a couple small things from his Easter basket. Most of the time the kids grab his stuff before he has a chance to finish it. He'll take a slice of Easter bread. That's it. One slice. There is nothing compelling him to take more. I used to be in awe of that... until I learned to the be same - but by eating completely differently (more on that in a minute too).
What I can see then is that some people have better "control" than others. Some people don't eat too much because they are better at stopping themselves from overeating. But do they have better "in control" brain muscles? Or is it that their brains/bodies don't get the signal of EAT THIS (in not so subliminal) messages? As much as some other people? Is it simply easier for some people to stop eating and to keep from eating because their brains aren't as MEAN and TRICKY as to make them want to eat more? Is it really about who has better control? or who has lucky genes to help them be in better control? Maybe, just maybe, when these people, like my husband, say, "I've had enough" they really mean it? Unlike when I used to say it and to say it, but I really want MORE and MORE and MORE!!!! Can that be?
So, back to the food companies adding more sugar to food when they took out the fat and how this made us fatter. There were studies that too much fat, especially saturated fat was bad for you. It was bad for your heart. It was bad for cholesterol. Just stay away from fats. Well, yogurt without fat tastes bland. So... let's up the sugar content because sugar tastes good. Even if we didn't add sugar, by taking out the fat, we are leaving just the sugars and protein (take milk as an example) and then all our body is processing in that food is sugar and protein without the fat. That makes our insulin spike and since the food was less filling without the fat, we get hungrier faster and therefore eat sooner and more often, and laced with more sugar to keep our sugar levels high. See the article on milk.
What is happening is that more and more people are walking around with raised blood sugar levels with our way of eating low fat, but higher sugar diets. Sugar digest quickly. Insulin spikes and then crashes, making us hungry... and hungry for more sugar. Eating more sugar is making people obese and lazy and here is how.
This is from the transcript of the Peter Attia Ted Talk at minute five:
Now, most researchers believe obesity is the cause of insulin resistance. Logically, then, if you want to treat insulin resistance, you get people to lose weight, right? You treat the obesity. But what if we have it backwards? What if obesity isn't the cause of insulin resistance at all? In fact, what if it's a symptom of a much deeper problem, the tip of a proverbial iceberg? I know it sounds crazy because we're obviously in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but hear me out. What if obesity is a coping mechanism for a far more sinister problem going on underneath the cell? I'm not suggesting that obesity is benign, but what I am suggesting is it may be the lesser of two metabolic evils.
Now, I'm not a scientist and I'm not going to get all deep into the science humbo jumbo of eating because I don't even get it all and don't need to. What I want? I want to not be hungry all the time and I want to have energy. I want to be able to resist the temptation of overeating and what that has meant for me is to avoid most carbohydrates and to eat enough protein and fat. Fat especially.You can think of insulin resistance as the reduced capacity of ourselves to partition fuel, as I alluded to a moment ago, taking those calories that we take in and burning some appropriately and storing some appropriately. When we become insulin-resistant, the homeostasis in that balance deviates from this state. So now, when insulin says to a cell, I want you to burn more energy than the cell considers safe, the cell, in effect, says, "No thanks, I'd actually rather store this energy." And because fat cells are actually missing most of the complex cellular machinery found in other cells, it's probably the safest place to store it. So for many of us, about 75 million Americans, the appropriate response to insulin resistance may actually be to store it as fat, not the reverse, getting insulin resistance in response to getting fat.
In general though what is means is that many people who have insulin resistance need to reduce the amount of insulin released into the blood stream to keep from getting fat. They need this to keep these messages from entering the brain to eat more food and to be a couch potato - especially sugary foods.
After listening to the TED Talk, I looked up Peter Attia. Guess how he eats? High fat, high protein with much fewer carbs. I love his explanation of how he eats to keep his body 'in check' and how his wife can eat differently to stay in check- because of how they hit the genetic lottery in how their body processes sugar. Please read. This is from Peter Attia's website.
I saw it now with this recent regain I had. Yes, overeating led to me gaining weight and being less physically active. There is no doubt about that. But what led to the overeating and being more lazy? The sugars did. I let them back into my life when I got depressed and then the insulin hormone took over. And I watched myself, almost like an out of body experience get more and more and more out of control with wanting more and more and more food. And almost all of it sugar, sugar, sugar. And I gained quickly as guess what? My body is also really good at storing fat in response to the insulin hormone making me eat more carbs and wanting me to slow down (ie. be more lazy) to store more fat.
That's why I gained 20 pounds in a month when we were in Croatia two summers ago - despite walking, despite hiking, despite swimming daily. As soon as we got there I saw I would have a hard time avoiding carbs. So, my diet changed and I saw as the month went by that towards the end I was sneaking cookies as my ability to deny the carb monster diminished and my desire to swim more and hike more diminished too. No one else went through this. When we got back from vacation my mother in law lost weight and she ate more on vacation than at home because she wanted to indulge in all the foods she doesn't normally find in the states. My husband didn't gain or lose and he ate more than normally, and I gained 20 pounds. Some of it was glycogen stores, but most of it wasn't. I never took all that weight off again. It took me months and months to whittle down some of it - from one month of eating lots of carbs. And it was hard to get back on track. The insulin hormone is very convincing in telling my body to eat more and move less. I just have to shut the insulin production down to much lower levels in the blood stream to keep from overeating and getting lazy.
Now, I'm getting it. For many people a calorie is not just a calorie. A carb calorie is digested quickly. And it spikes insulin which wants me to eat more calories because my cells don't process it properly. Protein and fat calories take longer to digest, keeping me fuller longer and they don't spike my insulin, so I don't want to eat more.
Is there a magic line of how many carbs are too many carbs? For some people, yes. And that magic line is different for every one of those people depending on how lucky or unlucky they are in the genetic lottery. I think I got pretty unlucky. I need to steer clear from simple and most complex carbs. When I do, my life is sooooooooo much easier.
That gets back to the other point I wanted to get back to. My husband is not insulin resistant. He doesn't have to eat a certain way to keep himself from gaining weight. I am insulin resistant and I do have to eat a certain way to keep myself from gaining weight. When I eat a low carb diet, I can control my eating and I feel more energetic. All of a sudden I am the person who is strong enough to resist the extra piece of cake or the cookies sitting on the counter right under my nose. I am more willing to go for a walk and have good character of taking care of myself. I am not strong enough if insulin is coursing through my veins. The hormones are telling me to eat and slow down at that point. Driving me to eat and be lazy. As Peter Attia says here in this video of other times and other hormones that make us want to eat: 2 minute video
So, for some people having a piece of cake is just having a piece of cake - like for my husband. For other people it's opening a Pandora's box. I had a piece of cake yesterday which was fortunately also very high fat to keep me satiated. But, I'm starving today. and I feel lazy. If I would have eaten the same amount of calories yesterday with lower carbs, I probably wouldn't feel so hungry and I probably wouldn't feel so lazy. The insulin would have stayed in check.
My husband doesn't quite understand it and he does frown a bit at my half and half in my morning coffee versus skim milk, but that half and half keeps me satiated all morning until lunch time. The skim milk would have me running for a 500 calorie breakfast within an hour. It might not be what others do to keep the eating in check, but it's what I have to do. And I am SOOOOO glad that more and more and more research is backing this up. Fat is beginning to be seen as a good thing, even saturated fats aren't seen quite as bad. Sugar is the new foe and it's about time as it seems pretty obvious to me and those of us who fit the camp of gainers due to sugar/carbs consumption.
And with that said, the scale dropped a whole pound today. Finally moving again after a week of nothing.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
An observation
I notice a lot of people on weight loss boards that have become super experts about nutrition and some on fitness I think that is great. I am a complete novice compared to some of these people! And a lot of them were severely obese (and some still are, but are working on it).
I find it an interesting observation because I wonder if the intense need to know about nutrition is because they need to know more because it's harder to keep the weight off than it is for people who somehow manage to just eat less and have portion control.
Or is it that many obese people don't know moderation - moderation in eating and moderation in nutrition - and even exercise I suppose. We do so many things all or nothing. Maybe it's part of the personality?
I think I fall along that last part. I either go WAY overboard with eating or I go way overboard in something else. When I want to plant a garden, I don't just get one or two plants, I dig up my entire front yard and plant hundreds of plants. When I want to clean the house, I don't just do a room here and there, I have to do all of it (or none of it). It's part of my personality.
My husband who is more moderate and has no problems staying thin because he can regulate his eating normally, doesn't tend to all or nothing with most anything else either.
And, of course, the trait of going all out has problems (overeating), but has advantages (a lot gets done and done well).
Has anyone else noticed this? Are we trading one 'obsession' (food) for another - knowing everything about our food and perhaps radically changing a diet not just based on the need to lose weight, but on other things too. Like when an obese person who used to drink sugary soda doesn't just switch to diet, but gives up all soda all together. Or gives up all sugar, etc.
I find it an interesting observation because I wonder if the intense need to know about nutrition is because they need to know more because it's harder to keep the weight off than it is for people who somehow manage to just eat less and have portion control.
Or is it that many obese people don't know moderation - moderation in eating and moderation in nutrition - and even exercise I suppose. We do so many things all or nothing. Maybe it's part of the personality?
I think I fall along that last part. I either go WAY overboard with eating or I go way overboard in something else. When I want to plant a garden, I don't just get one or two plants, I dig up my entire front yard and plant hundreds of plants. When I want to clean the house, I don't just do a room here and there, I have to do all of it (or none of it). It's part of my personality.
My husband who is more moderate and has no problems staying thin because he can regulate his eating normally, doesn't tend to all or nothing with most anything else either.
And, of course, the trait of going all out has problems (overeating), but has advantages (a lot gets done and done well).
Has anyone else noticed this? Are we trading one 'obsession' (food) for another - knowing everything about our food and perhaps radically changing a diet not just based on the need to lose weight, but on other things too. Like when an obese person who used to drink sugary soda doesn't just switch to diet, but gives up all soda all together. Or gives up all sugar, etc.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
How and why did I get so complacent?
This first part is taken directly for posts from a website I wrote on yesterday, but then I expand on this already long theme:
Why did I become complacent?
Around the time I was turning 40, my health hit an all time low. I went into the doctor's office because of daily, awful headaches. Found out my blood pressure was 220/130 (should be 120/80ish). My thyroid was around 48-50ish (should be under 3, and preferably around 1) , my fasting blood sugar was around 150 (should be under 100). My Cholesterol was 250ish (should be under 200) and I felt awful - no duh.
They got things regulated with medications and I started feeling better and one by one things got better - first the BP, then the cholesterol and blood sugars and finally the thyroid got better to where it should be. The only medication I needed after a few months was the thyroid medication - it was causing all the other problems.
All was great - I felt great and had energy and so on. With proper medication and fitness and diet - I got everything PERFECT - better than ever before in my life.
Then... I got complacent. "eh" maybe I can eat this." or "Eh, maybe I don't really need this thyroid medicine. Maybe my thyroid was so messed up because of how I was eating." And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. (or so the evil voice told me... really it was about being ashamed of gaining 30 pounds and being afraid of too many carbs affecting my blood sugar levels). Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control.
I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months. My blood pressure was 200/150. They couldn't get it to come down even with medication that should bring it down quickly and they wanted me to go to the emergency room. I declined as my husband was out of town and I had to deal with the kids and no one to really take me. They gave me more meds to take at home and made me promise I would come back in next day. I did. It's now down to 150-100 and I already feel better and my eyes look better. I will check in a few to see if it has come down even more.
I did blood work yesterday morning. I know it's going to be a mess.
What the hell happened to me that I really stopped caring? I got scared to death to jump start this weight loss journey 4 years ago. How did I forget how bad things were?
How can a smart person like me be so freaking stupid? And how can I keep myself from ever being that stupid again?
DEPRESSION KILLS!!!!!
And I'm not a person in depression frequently- I have occasional episodes with some SAD winter blahs, but this started last spring - lasted all summer and just got deep/bad in the fall and winter. I've been in it for about a year - deeply so for the last 7 or so months. I have mild depression every winter. I have had maybe 2 other times these DEEP depressions.
I need to learn from this... and not get complacent, but I also need to figure out HOW to stop this cycle. (More on this below)
The doctor's office yesterday was not "convinced" I would keep taking my medications and that I would come back for followup. I didn't get it. I mean... I made that appointment, right? I came back the next day right? But then I thought, "well duh, you also didn't come in for a year to refill a needed for life medication that only costs me (with insurance) $1 a month. Without insurance it's like $3 a month - it's that cheap. That medication keeps me from death's door to healthy. Why would they trust me to take care of myself? I have proven to them that I'm incapable of caring for myself.
I have to re-build trust with everyone - family and doctors. And that can get dangerous for me too as I'm a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy and that also keeps me away or hide things if I think it will make them unhappy. It's why I hide my hurtness/pain. I don't want other people to feel bad. Well WAKE UP MELISSA"! They feel bad when you are depressed too - far longer and much worse than a temporary "worry" that we can make better.
I'm not even opposed to treating depression or seeing a counselor, so it's not even that... it's being afraid of disappointing people - ANYONE.
And, someone on the forum asked me to maybe think back to see if there was a trigger that started the depression. I don't think there was a single trigger. It was a ton of things that just finally did me in.
1. Series of injuries. Every time I would try something else to rest one injury, I would get another.
2. I joined a weight loss team at the gym and despite working my butt off and eating right for three months, the results were far less than I was hoping for.
3. The sexual side effects of either dieting or the thyroid medicine was really bugging me after dealing with it for over two years.
4. I was having a hard time being satisfied with my caloric intake. I was hungry all the time, but if I increased my foods, I gained weight and I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise as much and exercise is a mood booster and an appetite suppressant for me.
5. I was feeling in a rut with our life. We had to cancel several couple/date plans. My husband and I hardly had time for each other for fun. It was all - house, work, kids and their school and issues, and working out - nothing left over for fun.
6. I went deeper into depression when I could see how upset my husband was with my weight gain. And our sex life went to zero.
7. My mother in law is a constant frustration. (We all live under the same roof)
8. Winter started and my light depression sunk to deep depression with the lack of light, the wet and the cold. I couldn't even walk for pleasure as it wasn't even pleasant to be outside nearly all winter long.
9. Having to deal with my senior in HS’s schooling and college applications was a constant battle.
10. My younger son with autism was having a really hard year and hating school.
And there are probably more triggers. I don't think that there has to be a single trigger. Just sometimes the battles get to be too much to deal with - for me at least. I had a breaking point.
And... I realize, when I hit the "must not cross line" and I crossed it, then I really didn't care. That line in the sand was crossed, so oh well... I've destroyed everything, so why not just say to hell with it for now. I got over 200 pounds. All was lost.
Yet, that other voice kept speaking to me - Tomorrow I'll eat better. Tomorrow I'll take a walk. The first of the month will be a fresh start. I don't want to buy too many clothes, because I won't be in this size for long. I WILL get this under control. Yet, I never did - until now. And I wonder if I would even be here now if it wasn't for my husband asking about my thyroid medication. He asked when I last took it. I told him honestly. And that is when he forced me to wake up. While I was feeling better and better, I wasn't to the point of 'admitting' where I had been. I don't know when or if I would have ever broken out of it on my own. I was that ashamed to go to the doctor to admit my failure. They were sooooooooo proud of me. I beat the odds. I did it when so many cannot. I somehow wanted to get better BEFORE going back to the doctor.... but with a nearly non-functioning thyroid? How did I forget how debilitating it was for me?
And, the - husband, doctor, etc ARE terribly disappointed in me, but not with what I was afraid of - they are disappointed and worried that I totally threw away my health over pride of, at that time, a few pounds - well, fewer pounds. 30 pounds is FAR less than 75!!!! My fear of letting people down was that strong which is so completely stupid. And I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself.
My new strategy is that I will make my husband my watch dog. If he notices habits sliding, I have to promise that I will call my doctor to get on an antidepressant as, I think I can know from a few lessons now, it's the depression that does it to me. I won't say, "I'll try harder." Or, "Yes, I know, I'm trying." I will promise to really address the issue - which is depression. I'm already trying to do better with the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), but if I feel/sense or my husband does, then I have to admit it and deal with it. There is no shame in that. The shame is in ignoring it.
I think that is the key to never sliding again - not allowing myself to get deeply depressed.
Why did I become complacent?
Around the time I was turning 40, my health hit an all time low. I went into the doctor's office because of daily, awful headaches. Found out my blood pressure was 220/130 (should be 120/80ish). My thyroid was around 48-50ish (should be under 3, and preferably around 1) , my fasting blood sugar was around 150 (should be under 100). My Cholesterol was 250ish (should be under 200) and I felt awful - no duh.
They got things regulated with medications and I started feeling better and one by one things got better - first the BP, then the cholesterol and blood sugars and finally the thyroid got better to where it should be. The only medication I needed after a few months was the thyroid medication - it was causing all the other problems.
All was great - I felt great and had energy and so on. With proper medication and fitness and diet - I got everything PERFECT - better than ever before in my life.
Then... I got complacent. "eh" maybe I can eat this." or "Eh, maybe I don't really need this thyroid medicine. Maybe my thyroid was so messed up because of how I was eating." And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. (or so the evil voice told me... really it was about being ashamed of gaining 30 pounds and being afraid of too many carbs affecting my blood sugar levels). Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control.
I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months. My blood pressure was 200/150. They couldn't get it to come down even with medication that should bring it down quickly and they wanted me to go to the emergency room. I declined as my husband was out of town and I had to deal with the kids and no one to really take me. They gave me more meds to take at home and made me promise I would come back in next day. I did. It's now down to 150-100 and I already feel better and my eyes look better. I will check in a few to see if it has come down even more.
I did blood work yesterday morning. I know it's going to be a mess.
What the hell happened to me that I really stopped caring? I got scared to death to jump start this weight loss journey 4 years ago. How did I forget how bad things were?
How can a smart person like me be so freaking stupid? And how can I keep myself from ever being that stupid again?
DEPRESSION KILLS!!!!!
And I'm not a person in depression frequently- I have occasional episodes with some SAD winter blahs, but this started last spring - lasted all summer and just got deep/bad in the fall and winter. I've been in it for about a year - deeply so for the last 7 or so months. I have mild depression every winter. I have had maybe 2 other times these DEEP depressions.
I need to learn from this... and not get complacent, but I also need to figure out HOW to stop this cycle. (More on this below)
The doctor's office yesterday was not "convinced" I would keep taking my medications and that I would come back for followup. I didn't get it. I mean... I made that appointment, right? I came back the next day right? But then I thought, "well duh, you also didn't come in for a year to refill a needed for life medication that only costs me (with insurance) $1 a month. Without insurance it's like $3 a month - it's that cheap. That medication keeps me from death's door to healthy. Why would they trust me to take care of myself? I have proven to them that I'm incapable of caring for myself.
I have to re-build trust with everyone - family and doctors. And that can get dangerous for me too as I'm a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy and that also keeps me away or hide things if I think it will make them unhappy. It's why I hide my hurtness/pain. I don't want other people to feel bad. Well WAKE UP MELISSA"! They feel bad when you are depressed too - far longer and much worse than a temporary "worry" that we can make better.
I'm not even opposed to treating depression or seeing a counselor, so it's not even that... it's being afraid of disappointing people - ANYONE.
And, someone on the forum asked me to maybe think back to see if there was a trigger that started the depression. I don't think there was a single trigger. It was a ton of things that just finally did me in.
1. Series of injuries. Every time I would try something else to rest one injury, I would get another.
2. I joined a weight loss team at the gym and despite working my butt off and eating right for three months, the results were far less than I was hoping for.
3. The sexual side effects of either dieting or the thyroid medicine was really bugging me after dealing with it for over two years.
4. I was having a hard time being satisfied with my caloric intake. I was hungry all the time, but if I increased my foods, I gained weight and I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise as much and exercise is a mood booster and an appetite suppressant for me.
5. I was feeling in a rut with our life. We had to cancel several couple/date plans. My husband and I hardly had time for each other for fun. It was all - house, work, kids and their school and issues, and working out - nothing left over for fun.
6. I went deeper into depression when I could see how upset my husband was with my weight gain. And our sex life went to zero.
7. My mother in law is a constant frustration. (We all live under the same roof)
8. Winter started and my light depression sunk to deep depression with the lack of light, the wet and the cold. I couldn't even walk for pleasure as it wasn't even pleasant to be outside nearly all winter long.
9. Having to deal with my senior in HS’s schooling and college applications was a constant battle.
10. My younger son with autism was having a really hard year and hating school.
And there are probably more triggers. I don't think that there has to be a single trigger. Just sometimes the battles get to be too much to deal with - for me at least. I had a breaking point.
And... I realize, when I hit the "must not cross line" and I crossed it, then I really didn't care. That line in the sand was crossed, so oh well... I've destroyed everything, so why not just say to hell with it for now. I got over 200 pounds. All was lost.
Yet, that other voice kept speaking to me - Tomorrow I'll eat better. Tomorrow I'll take a walk. The first of the month will be a fresh start. I don't want to buy too many clothes, because I won't be in this size for long. I WILL get this under control. Yet, I never did - until now. And I wonder if I would even be here now if it wasn't for my husband asking about my thyroid medication. He asked when I last took it. I told him honestly. And that is when he forced me to wake up. While I was feeling better and better, I wasn't to the point of 'admitting' where I had been. I don't know when or if I would have ever broken out of it on my own. I was that ashamed to go to the doctor to admit my failure. They were sooooooooo proud of me. I beat the odds. I did it when so many cannot. I somehow wanted to get better BEFORE going back to the doctor.... but with a nearly non-functioning thyroid? How did I forget how debilitating it was for me?
And, the - husband, doctor, etc ARE terribly disappointed in me, but not with what I was afraid of - they are disappointed and worried that I totally threw away my health over pride of, at that time, a few pounds - well, fewer pounds. 30 pounds is FAR less than 75!!!! My fear of letting people down was that strong which is so completely stupid. And I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself.
My new strategy is that I will make my husband my watch dog. If he notices habits sliding, I have to promise that I will call my doctor to get on an antidepressant as, I think I can know from a few lessons now, it's the depression that does it to me. I won't say, "I'll try harder." Or, "Yes, I know, I'm trying." I will promise to really address the issue - which is depression. I'm already trying to do better with the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), but if I feel/sense or my husband does, then I have to admit it and deal with it. There is no shame in that. The shame is in ignoring it.
I think that is the key to never sliding again - not allowing myself to get deeply depressed.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Thank you for all the positiveness
This is no April Fool's message. First, I'm not witty enough to pull off an April Fool's joke. Second, I'm not mentally in a place to want to pull a April Fool's joke.
The hardest part, for me, in starting something hard - something I don't like about myself - is facing the music. Getting started. Being honest with myself and with people around me. I guess I'm secretive about things that are very painful. I don't share pain until I'm mostly over the pain and have moved on to healing. I've been that way for like... forever I think.
People will say, "but you are so open." Am I really? Or maybe I'm selectively open. When my head is in a good place, I'm very open. It's true. I can share the bad stuff that is behind me or even the bad stuff that I'm dealing with right then and there, but when my head isn't in a good place? I withdraw into myself. Completely. No one is allowed in. No one. Not my best friends. Not my children. Not my spouse. Now, if I were asked about things that might be noticed, I would answer honestly, but I wouldn't volunteer information - ever. I become extremely closed about what is the most painful.
It's why I stopped writing. It's why I stopped frequenting several boards. It's why I just "shut off".
That is what I need to work on and stop the cycle of doing it again and again. I need to stop myself from completely withdrawing. I need to keep the communication lines open. If I can do that, I can probably stay in the funk for a shorter time because I can get the help that I need much sooner. I don't know why I get into these, "I can fix it myself" mentalities. Obviously, it's not the healthiest option.
So, I'm still learning about myself. 44 years old and still figuring it all out. Will I ever?
This has been especially hard for my husband. I know he is angry, sad, disappointed, scared. When I close up like that and "hide", he feels I'm being dishonest. While I never lied about anything. It's true I am not being upfront either. Like I never said I was not taking or refilling my thyroid medicine. I just didn't say anything. When he asked last week, I told him honestly. To him that is a betrayal of sorts and I know he's angry and worried. And I understand that.
I also understand it's hard to see the person he loves be so self-harming. I lost 110 pounds the healthy and smart way. We were happy and in a very good place with our marriage. Then I gained 30 of those back and fought for a year the same 30 pounds up and down. We were still OK. Then I just stopped everything and gained an additional 45 in less than a year. I'm not too far ahead of where I was 4 years ago and my health is right back to the pits. I don't need to blood work to tell me that. I know it. I know things are all out of kilter - not just the blood pressure for which I need to regulate (again) by meds until my thyroid behaves normally again and it comes back down to normal. And my marriage? It's not in danger, but it's in a low, for sure and how could it not be when one person is pulling it down by not taking care of themselves?
But already, I'm feeling better. It started a few weeks ago and every day is a bit better. Yesterday was really, really rough as I had to face the doctor and the health issues which I knew were there. But... I faced it and there's only moving on and making it better from here and working on staying in a good place and maybe devising ways that I can't retreat into myself ever again. It not only hurts me, but the people I love.
So... I'm facing the music.
At the doctor's office yesterday with clothes and shoes the scale said 246. At home today, nude, first thing in the morning, it read 241.6 So, that is my new starting point. My end goal is to be healthy and I think an attainable, healthy weight for me is 175... which is 100 pounds from my all time high. and 10 pounds heavier than my all time low.
But my real goal is just to be healthy and to live healthy - with fitness and and with eating. I'm not going to get stuck on the pounds as much as before. I need to eat right and move right and worry less about the scale. If I do the fitness and the healthy eating, the scale should follow.
275/241.6/175
Ha! Editing to add that it's kind of fitting that on April Fool's I find out that I need to lose 66.6 pounds. 666?
The hardest part, for me, in starting something hard - something I don't like about myself - is facing the music. Getting started. Being honest with myself and with people around me. I guess I'm secretive about things that are very painful. I don't share pain until I'm mostly over the pain and have moved on to healing. I've been that way for like... forever I think.
People will say, "but you are so open." Am I really? Or maybe I'm selectively open. When my head is in a good place, I'm very open. It's true. I can share the bad stuff that is behind me or even the bad stuff that I'm dealing with right then and there, but when my head isn't in a good place? I withdraw into myself. Completely. No one is allowed in. No one. Not my best friends. Not my children. Not my spouse. Now, if I were asked about things that might be noticed, I would answer honestly, but I wouldn't volunteer information - ever. I become extremely closed about what is the most painful.
It's why I stopped writing. It's why I stopped frequenting several boards. It's why I just "shut off".
That is what I need to work on and stop the cycle of doing it again and again. I need to stop myself from completely withdrawing. I need to keep the communication lines open. If I can do that, I can probably stay in the funk for a shorter time because I can get the help that I need much sooner. I don't know why I get into these, "I can fix it myself" mentalities. Obviously, it's not the healthiest option.
So, I'm still learning about myself. 44 years old and still figuring it all out. Will I ever?
This has been especially hard for my husband. I know he is angry, sad, disappointed, scared. When I close up like that and "hide", he feels I'm being dishonest. While I never lied about anything. It's true I am not being upfront either. Like I never said I was not taking or refilling my thyroid medicine. I just didn't say anything. When he asked last week, I told him honestly. To him that is a betrayal of sorts and I know he's angry and worried. And I understand that.
I also understand it's hard to see the person he loves be so self-harming. I lost 110 pounds the healthy and smart way. We were happy and in a very good place with our marriage. Then I gained 30 of those back and fought for a year the same 30 pounds up and down. We were still OK. Then I just stopped everything and gained an additional 45 in less than a year. I'm not too far ahead of where I was 4 years ago and my health is right back to the pits. I don't need to blood work to tell me that. I know it. I know things are all out of kilter - not just the blood pressure for which I need to regulate (again) by meds until my thyroid behaves normally again and it comes back down to normal. And my marriage? It's not in danger, but it's in a low, for sure and how could it not be when one person is pulling it down by not taking care of themselves?
But already, I'm feeling better. It started a few weeks ago and every day is a bit better. Yesterday was really, really rough as I had to face the doctor and the health issues which I knew were there. But... I faced it and there's only moving on and making it better from here and working on staying in a good place and maybe devising ways that I can't retreat into myself ever again. It not only hurts me, but the people I love.
So... I'm facing the music.
At the doctor's office yesterday with clothes and shoes the scale said 246. At home today, nude, first thing in the morning, it read 241.6 So, that is my new starting point. My end goal is to be healthy and I think an attainable, healthy weight for me is 175... which is 100 pounds from my all time high. and 10 pounds heavier than my all time low.
But my real goal is just to be healthy and to live healthy - with fitness and and with eating. I'm not going to get stuck on the pounds as much as before. I need to eat right and move right and worry less about the scale. If I do the fitness and the healthy eating, the scale should follow.
275/241.6/175
Ha! Editing to add that it's kind of fitting that on April Fool's I find out that I need to lose 66.6 pounds. 666?
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