The first thing I want to "go" are the BP meds

I've been on blood pressure medications for about a year. When I drop weight (and get fitter), I don't need them, but while I was able to reduce my prescription  last year when I lost weight, I wasn't able to go completely off them, and then I gained all the weight and had to go back up on the higher dosage again.

I monitor my blood pressure almost every day and already I am seeing it come down. (except for two days ago when I had a breakdown over all the thoughts I was having about my mom and her heart attack and feelings around that). All readings are taken within the same hour in the evening too.

In the recent days where I've had more contact with my siblings, I learned that 2 of the 3 need to take blood pressure medication and I'm not sure of the one brother or even if he would know.  ALL of us should be able to control it with exercise or better weight. Though, my sister hasn't ever had the weight problems I have.

It was the first thing that got better the last two times. Hoping for the same this time. At my age (and my younger siblings' ages) it's just too early.

Editing to say, last night's reading was even lower 106/65.

Time for a new gizmo - Mother's Day gift

My husband and I don't do gifts, so once or twice a year I get myself a 'gift' like item instead (which is what we agreed on). Since mother's day is coming up, I got to thinking about what I would like.

I think I want two things, but both of them are definitely in the "want" not "need" category. And one of them is simply I don't want to share!

OK, first thing I would like is a Withings Scale. I don't 'need' a new scale as our 10 year old Tanita IronMan scale works fine, but it doesn't pair up with anything - no wifi. And I think it is cool to truly keep track with either BodyMedia site or with other similar sites. Now... I find it irksome that these things are not universal. Like I have a Garmin fitness watch, but Garmin Connect only works with Tanita wifi scales (though people have found ways to work around it). I understand competition and such, but most people want to be able to use their various smart gadgets together in a harmonious way.

The Withings Scale will give me weight, body fat, etc, same as the IronMan does. AND for me, though I don't think for my husband, the body fat readings are really accurate - which is surprising as they don't tend to be. I've had BodPod testing twice and they were almost the exact same as what my Tanita scale gave me for results. Of course, I have no idea if Withings will be more or less accurate. I would have to compare them side by side for awhile.

The other thing I am eying is the Withings Blood pressure wifi monitor. Again, I don't "need" this as my mother in law has a very accurate blood pressure monitor, but I don't like having to ask to use it - and like now, daily. I don't like having to share anything of her personal belongings. I would have to go to her room and either ask or wait until she wasn't home. Plus, she gets snoopy and would want to ask about my blood pressure and why I'm taking it, etc. I'm not hiding things from her, but since I don't feel close to her as a person, I don't feel like talking about such things with her. I would rather have my own. My husband will think that is stupid and crazy, but then he also doesn't understand that his relationship with his mother and my relationship with his mother are not the same on either end of it.

The other advantage of the Withings monitor is that I can use it right along with my other fitness gadgets, keeping track of trends. I NEED to keep a constant eye on my blood pressure as it is the #1 indicator if my body is getting out of whack by either diet or thyroid. I should probably watch trends as it would probably help me figure out more of my body's rhythms. As of right now, I don't know how much is the thyroid function. How much is exercise. How much is diet as I tend to do all three or ignore all three (which I hope not to do ever again!).

So... I need to figure out which gizmo I will buy - or if I will buy, for Mother's Day. Fitness gizmo is ALWAYS a good gift idea for me, house cleaning supplies? NEVER. I totally don't get you people who think a new vacuum is a good gift!

Editing to add: I had the blood pressure monitor in my basket at BestBuy as it was on sale for $79.99. Well, I decided to get it as it was on sale and that was a really good price. I came back to it after doing some work and the price jacked up to full price of $129.99. Um... no. Can't swallow that price!

Triumphs and exhaustion

This weekend was a good one. I got two walks in. I had a big event to ready for on Sunday and kid wrangled 21 kids in a room for a project that they were able to complete as well. Then I came home to mountains of dishes to do and things to clean up.

I got everything done and now... I'm exhausted. I need Monday to recuperate from my weekend! A bum thyroid makes it worse, of course.

But... it was all good. I made a HUGE cake this weekend and despite a few disasters in the process (soupy Italian buttercream anyone?) and lots of sugar and yummy stuff around, I didn't nibble. At the event I ate just one small slice of cake to test, but otherwise stuck to veggies and cheese at the snack table. It's been a long time since I avoided most of that crap.

This morning I had a follow-up with my nurse practitioner. BP is still coming down. And everything else is wait and see. Thyroid is rechecked in 6 weeks. Everything else in 3 months. I was happy to see her scale down 5 pounds this morning.  At home I'm down 3.4 pounds - it's a start and pretty good for one week! Gotta love water weight losses at the beginning of a diet change.

Switching to low carb (despite that one small piece of cake) has been pretty easy - surprisingly. I think having it be spring helps as I simply DO NOT want heavy foods in spring. It's all about veggies.

Only bummer for the day is that I have to drive to Virginia in the rain to get the new crown put on. I had to have an ill-fitting one replaced. I also have my 6 month cleaning too. It wouldn't be such a bummer if I could do something else while in VA, but it truly is pop in and out so that I can get home in time to pick up the kids from school on this rainy day. My mother in law "could" do it, but it's such a huge production, that I hope to make it back in time. She gets way nervous about such things.

But... I'm exhausted. Rainy day definitely doesn't help!

Start: 241.6
Now: 238.2

Measurements

I finally tracked down a fabric tape measure. I refused to buy another one even though they are only a buck at Joanne's (or at least they used to be) because I know I have at least four of them!

So... Tracked it down and took measurements.  I took more than I did the first time around because I learned that the body drops from different parts of the body at different times and sometimes it's where you didn't measure!  I didn't measure EVERYTHING, but enough.

So... weight was 240.6 (Saturday) when I took these measurements. I compare them to the weight I was when I took similar measurements at a similar weight of 239.2

                                   February 28, 2011:            April 5, 2014:

Widest Bust:                        46                               47 
Under Bust:                                                            39
Narrowest Waist sucked in: 40                               41
Narrowest Waist relaxed:                                       44
Belly Button sucked in:                                          44
Belly Button relaxed:                                              47
Widest part of Hips:            49                                49
Upper Thighs:                     28.5                             28
Widest part of Calf:                                                17.5
Upper Arms:                       16.5                             17
Neck:                                                                      16.25
Wrist:                                                                        7.25

So my gut reaction was that I was slightly bigger in the boobs and mid-section than before and my legs were a bit thinner. Ah, the classic apple shape getting more and more pronounced as I enter menopause territory.  That's another great reason to get with the program and lose weight, but more important get fit. I don't want to turn into a complete apple!

In other news, my blood pressure (with medication) is getting much better. It was 127/82. I'm pretty sure it's safe for me to exercise now. I see the NP on Monday, so I'll see. For today and tomorrow I'll just plan on some light walking and then I'll amp it up and then hopefully, very quickly cut back on the blood pressure medication with more added fitness and improving thyroid function.

Saw my labs - not nearly as bad as I expected

For as long as I've ignored things, I'm surprised things aren't as bad as I thought they would be. But then, they've been ignored for about 8-9 months... not for YEARS like in the past.

My thyroid is low in all areas, so that needs to be addressed and is. The doctor's office called in the prescription at the end of the day yesterday, so I started it last night. (Yes you can do it at night too as long as you have an empty stomach).

My vitamin D is really low.
My Fasting Blood Sugars is slightly high
My cholesterol is moderately high and the "bad" cholesterol is high
And, of course, I know the blood pressure is high.

Everything should get back on track with taking the thyroid medicine except the Vitamin D. I just need more sunlight and a supplement.

The last time I was in "trouble" the numbers were way worse except the blood pressure. My blood pressure is the #1 indicator of my thyroid is adjusted or not - even slight differences affect it. And that isn't typical, but is typical for me. Even 2 years ago when my TSH went from 3.5 to 4.5 my blood pressure went from normal to too high, (around 170/100). So, the good news is that I can probably get an idea of how well adjusted my thyroid medication is by watching my blood pressure. Bad news is that it takes the thyroid much longer to regular than it does to get blood pressure to regulate.

So, that is good news. They other bit of good news is that I'm ready to get with the program again. I feel a new energy. I feel less despair. And it's been building for several weeks, but now... I'm seriously ready.

Yesterday I went and bought a new sports bra what fits and a few workout clothes that fit. As well, I cannot wear the same clothes I was wearing when I was 175 pounds as I can at 242 pounds now can I?

And I just want to GO DO IT. Can't yet because of blood pressure, but as soon as I get the go ahead for exercise, I will.

Also, I ate well and low carb yesterday and it was easy. I looked at my kids cookies and just put them away versus grabbing a couple.

You cannot imagine how good that feels to feel that I have some control again. Let's hope that it stays that way!

Our medical system is messed up

I have insurance. I have a primary care doctor - even better, I have the WHOLE PRACTICE I can go to, not just a specific doctor. And, it's a PPO, so I don't have to get referrals to make appointments for specialists. When I needed to see a dermatologist to get some suspicious spots on my face looked at, I just called. When I felt I should see an endocrinologist to get my thyroid regulated even more tightly, I just called. When it works, it's great.

But last week I called to see my doctor. It would take 5 weeks to get an appointment with that specific doctor, would I mind seeing the Nurse Practitioner? No problem, next Monday at 9 am. I wanted to get started on my thyroid medication as soon as possible because it controls so many things that I knew were out of whack.

I went to that appointment and she was very nervous about my blood pressure. She gave me paperwork to do labs and told me to come in next day to check on the BP. She was not going to give the prescription for the thyroid medication until she saw the results from the labs - to see where I was. In the meantime she called in (faxed in) prescriptions for blood pressure medications. But it didn't get sent or was lost. I had to go through all of that - twice.

I came in next day after doing my labs and the BP was lower. She said she would want me to come in next week to go over the labs. I specifically asked that if the thyroid was off, would she call in the prescription. She said yes. No call yesterday, but first thing this morning, 8 am, I have a call from my doctor's office. "Can I make an appointment for next week to go over my lab results?"

NEXT WEEK???? I ask about the prescription. The person on the phone said that there is no note and that the NP wants to talk with me first. I am getting really annoyed, but stay calm. I say, "can you please leave a note for the NP about filling the prescription".

That means, that  an extra 2 weeks were added to the wait of starting a medication that I NEED. Yes, I had gone off it voluntarily, but once they got me in and know my history, they should have jumped immediately.

My known history is (all documented in their files): I had very high BP, high cholesterol, high blood sugar levels and a very, very low thyroid 3.5 years ago. Once the thyroid adjusted, all the other numbers came in line. ALL OF THEM.

I even said with the NP - BOTH DAYS that my cholesterol will be high. My blood sugar will be high, just as my blood pressure was high. They want that all to get better? START THE THYROID MEDICATION!!!!!!!!!

On top of that, those are MY lab results. When my mother in law gets labs done with Kaiser Permanente, she gets results to her email the same time the doctor gets them. Why do I have to wait to "discuss them" to know what it says? Instead, I have to go through this sign up thing online and they take WAY longer to receive than it does to get to the doctor. I had one set up for the lab I usually use, but the NP sent me to a different lab (which was better, so that's OK), but it means I had to set up a new account and have to wait. No results are available yet.

So... they are my results... and I have to wait 4 days to see them once they've already been reported - 6 days since having them done.

What makes me sooooo upset is that she was wanting to rush me via ambulance 3 days ago to the ER to get my blood pressure down - one that is elevated because of the thyroid. AND had probably been that high for weeks or months. Yet... there is no urgency in getting me started on the medications that will get things back to normal - as naturally as possible.

Yes, I know... I'm the one who screwed this up in the first place by not taking my medications, but should there be all of this just to start taking something I know I need?

And I would say there is close to ZERO chance that my thyroid is fine... so I highly doubt that possibility. Checking my blood pressure in a a few minutes should be interesting. I'm sure it's raised.

And, to add to my frustrations, now that I'm feeling less depressed, I am getting to work on getting more help for my son on the autism spectrum. He needs re-evaluating and he needs to see someone about his food and dinner table issues. His IEP meeting at school is this coming Tuesday, but I will need to do some stuff outside of school too. Oh, and yesterday the Speech therapist my youngest sees outside of school added to the to-do list. She thinks I should have him evaluated for ADHD.

While simultaneously, I am trying to help my older son graduate and make college decisions.  And with his ADHD and school fatigue, that's not easy either.

No wonder I got so freaking depressed.

How and why did I get so complacent?

This first part is taken directly for posts from a website I wrote on yesterday, but then I expand on this already long theme:

Why did I become complacent?

Around the time I was turning 40, my health hit an all time low. I went into the doctor's office because of daily, awful headaches. Found out my blood pressure was 220/130 (should be 120/80ish). My thyroid was around 48-50ish (should be under 3, and preferably around 1) , my fasting blood sugar was around 150 (should be under 100). My Cholesterol was 250ish (should be under 200) and I felt awful - no duh.

They got things regulated with medications and I started feeling better and one by one things got better - first the BP, then the cholesterol and blood sugars and finally the thyroid got better to where it should be. The only medication I needed after a few months was the thyroid medication - it was causing all the other problems. 

All was great - I felt great and had energy and so on. With proper medication and fitness and diet - I got everything PERFECT - better than ever before in my life.

Then... I got complacent. "eh" maybe I can eat this." or "Eh, maybe I don't really need this thyroid medicine. Maybe my thyroid was so messed up because of how I was eating." And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. (or so the evil voice told me... really it was about being ashamed of gaining 30 pounds and being afraid of too many carbs affecting my blood sugar levels). Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control.

I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months. My blood pressure was 200/150. They couldn't get it to come down even with medication that should bring it down quickly  and they wanted me to go to the emergency room. I declined as my husband was out of town and I had to deal with the kids and no one to really take me. They gave me more meds to take at home and made me promise I would come back in next day. I did. It's now down to 150-100 and I already feel better and my eyes look better. I will check in a few to see if it has come down even more.

I did blood work yesterday morning. I know it's going to be a mess.

What the hell happened to me that I really stopped caring? I got scared to death to jump start this weight loss journey 4 years ago. How did I forget how bad things were?

How can a smart person like me be so freaking stupid? And how can I keep myself from ever being that stupid again?

DEPRESSION KILLS!!!!!

And I'm not a person in depression frequently- I have occasional episodes with some SAD winter blahs, but this started last spring - lasted all summer and just got deep/bad in the fall and winter. I've been in it for about a year - deeply so for the last 7 or so months. I have mild depression every winter. I have had maybe 2 other times these DEEP depressions.

I need to learn from this... and not get complacent, but I also need to figure out HOW to stop this cycle. (More on this below)

The doctor's office yesterday was not "convinced" I would keep taking my medications and that I would come back for followup. I didn't get it. I mean... I made that appointment, right? I came back the next day right? But then I thought, "well duh, you also didn't come in for a year to refill a needed for life medication that only costs me (with insurance) $1 a month. Without insurance it's like $3 a month - it's that cheap. That medication keeps me from death's door to healthy. Why would they trust me to take care of myself? I have proven to them that I'm incapable of caring for myself.

I have to re-build trust with everyone - family and doctors. And that can get dangerous for me too as I'm a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy and that also keeps me away or hide things if I think it will make them unhappy. It's why I hide my hurtness/pain. I don't want other people to feel bad. Well WAKE UP MELISSA"! They feel bad when you are depressed too - far longer and much worse than a temporary "worry" that we can make better.

I'm not even opposed to treating depression or seeing a counselor, so it's not even that... it's being afraid of disappointing people - ANYONE.


And, someone on the forum asked me to maybe think back to see if there was a trigger that started the depression. I don't think there was a single trigger. It was a ton of things that just finally did me in.

1. Series of injuries. Every time I would try something else to rest one injury, I would get another.

2. I joined a weight loss team at the gym and despite working my butt off and eating right for three months, the results were far less than I was hoping for.

3. The sexual side effects of either dieting or the thyroid medicine was really bugging me after dealing with it for over two years.

4. I was having a hard time being satisfied with my caloric intake. I was hungry all the time, but if I increased my foods, I gained weight and I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise as much and exercise is a mood booster and an appetite suppressant for me.

5. I was feeling in a rut with our life. We had to cancel several couple/date plans. My husband and I hardly had time for each other for fun. It was all - house, work, kids and their school and issues, and working out - nothing left over for fun.

6. I went deeper into depression when I could see how upset my husband was with my weight gain. And our sex life went to zero.

7. My mother in law is a constant frustration. (We all live under the same roof)

8. Winter started and my light depression sunk to deep depression with the lack of light, the wet and the cold. I couldn't even walk for pleasure as it wasn't even pleasant to be outside nearly all winter long.

9. Having to deal with my senior in HS’s schooling and college applications was a constant battle.

10. My younger son with autism was having a really hard year and hating school.

And there are probably more triggers. I don't think that there has to be a single trigger. Just sometimes the battles get to be too much to deal with - for me at least. I had a breaking point.

And... I realize, when I hit the "must not cross line" and I crossed it, then I really didn't care. That line in the sand was crossed, so oh well... I've destroyed everything, so why not just say to hell with it for now. I got over 200 pounds. All was lost.

Yet, that other voice kept speaking to me - Tomorrow I'll eat better. Tomorrow I'll take a walk. The first of the month will be a fresh start. I don't want to buy too many clothes, because I won't be in this size for long. I WILL get this under control. Yet, I never did - until now. And I wonder if I would even be here now if it wasn't for my husband asking about my thyroid medication. He asked when I last took it. I told him honestly. And that is when he forced me to wake up.  While I was feeling better and better, I wasn't to the point of 'admitting' where I had been. I don't know when or if I would have ever broken out of it on my own. I was that ashamed to go to the doctor to admit my failure. They were sooooooooo proud of me. I beat the odds. I did it when so many cannot. I somehow wanted to get better BEFORE going back to the doctor.... but with a nearly non-functioning thyroid? How did I forget how debilitating it was for me?

And, the - husband, doctor, etc ARE terribly disappointed in me, but not with what I was afraid of - they are disappointed and worried that I totally threw away my health over pride of, at that time, a few pounds - well, fewer pounds. 30 pounds is FAR less than 75!!!! My fear of letting people down was that strong which is so completely stupid. And I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself.

My new strategy is that I will make my husband my watch dog. If he notices habits sliding, I have to promise that I will call my doctor to get on an antidepressant as, I think I can know from a few lessons now, it's the depression that does it to me. I won't say, "I'll try harder." Or, "Yes, I know, I'm trying."  I will promise to really address the issue - which is depression. I'm already trying to do better with the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), but if I feel/sense or my husband does, then I have to admit it and deal with it. There is no shame in that. The shame is in ignoring it.

I think that is the key to never sliding again - not allowing myself to get deeply depressed.