I write so sporadically that it hardly makes sense to write, but once in awhile I just need to open up and let it out. Now is one of those times.
Writing is a difficulty for me right now with a stroke. My brain wants to go at two speeds and it's not good at letting me know when I'm going too fast! What happens is that one side of my brain says, "what stroke? Just write dammit!" The other side of my brain says, "Woah, woah, woah, hold up. Did you hear me? Dude. Seriously, slow down! No? OK, I'll skip a word here and jumble this here," etc.
That this is the main problem I'm having. With some apps, I can catch most of my writing errors. It slows me down a bit, but I'll get used to this new routine.
What I wanted to comment on though was these phases of healing. First, I was in a sort of denial. I knew it happened but was too raw to think about it. I just wanted to be able to think properly and to read. Then, as that was getting better, it was the feeling of despair, terror, hope, anger and so on. I would cycle through dozens of emotions a day. I had many days I just wanted to die. I wished I had died during the stroke. I didn't want to live this new reality. And, honestly, if I knew of a way to die where I wouldn't have burdened Sven and my kids, I would have planned for it. I did not want to be a diminished me.
It has now been 13 weeks and my head is in a much better space as I can see a diminished me still has value, but I still cycle through tremendous emotions. So much of my world is completely the same. I can now drive, go to work, teach Henry, make meals, etc. But I'm not the same me and I never will be.
It isn't like an illness where I will get better. I have forever damaged my brain. It will never be the same. Sure, I will improve and I will probably forget a life of the old me, but this isn't a scar that will fade. It's not just a mark. Part of my brain has died. That has changed me forever and since this is not how my brain was laid out or circuited to run, it can get better and make new connections, but it will never be as good as it was before. And that is the part that I'm having to deal with now. How do I say to myself, "this new me is good enough" when I constantly sense that I'm not as good as the old me in any way.
That is the part that I am having a hard time with now. I'm working, I'm driving. I'm being a fully active participant in my life, but I am mourning the Melissa I was.
And then I am sad because I knew I was mistreating myself too... and I couldn't break free from the cycle of my own self-abuse until I severely damaged myself. And the reality right now I'm also dealing with, is that maybe by damaging myself so severely, perhaps I save myself from an even worse reality.
I know I'm not unique in that. I think that is why I get so deeply saddened at hearing about celebrity suicides, drinking, etc. We all are trying to cope with the world and while I don't think it's easy for anyone, I think some of us got dealt a more difficult hand.
And then I sound to myself like a wuss. But I am pleading mercy. Yes, some people have harder lives than I do, but I'm doing the best I can and obviously, sometimes I have a very hard time dealing with life.
I am not feeling that right now. Right now I'm feeling, "Melissa, why did you neglect your health?" Look at you now? I've lost a not of weight in a few months, you are exercising regularly, you feel good. You are happy and content most of the time. How were you so low? I've had these episodes my whole life. I can hope I'll never be there again, that hasn't been my reality.
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