Yesterday was a very, very busy day. It was made even busier because I had been held up because of this darn headache I got. But it was also a very good day. I made a nice meal, rode my bike to the grocery store. Did week 1 day 2 of C25K and it felt much better yesterday than the other day. And then I got stuff for the auction wrapped up and got some baking done so I could contribute to the auction. I really felt good about my decisions and about where my fitness was and how I felt in my own body. I didn't think twice about wearing my bike shorts and fitness shirt to the grocery store. I don't feel like a whale any more and I'm doing something good for myself, so who cares?
Then this morning I was getting ready for the Sunday meeting. I couldn't decide on what to wear as the weather is changing from cool spring day to a quite a summer day, but in the end I decided on my consignment store find dress by Diane Van Furstenberg. My mother in law, like usually, checked me out head to toe and declared it looked very nice. And then, the comment.
She said, "This dress looks much nicer on you than your other dresses because you can't see your sloped neck in the back." (meaning my slight hump between my shoulders). "In your other dresses you look nice from the front, but in back you can see that hump on your back." And then goes on to say when she was young that she had a nice straight back, but that I don't and it's just the way I'm built.
It took two seconds to go from feeling great to feeling deflated. I felt so good in these jersey dresses - the ones where she says shows my 'hump'. They flatter my shape and my legs. My husband loves how I look in them and now she hits me with "in those other dresses you can see your curve at your neck."
Last month it was "You don't have a waist." Last fall it was commenting on how she could see my scalp on the top of my head. Last summer it was how she could see the stretch marks behind my calves. And before I lost weight, it was always comments about my weight.
Of course, I told my husband about it and his reaction was, "So? Why do you care what she has to say?". And I said, Because when I look at myself more critically, I see she is right. On all those things, she's not making them up." And she isn't.
But I'm allowing her comments to affect me. Why?
I don't care about her opinion, but then, maybe that's what others think too? But then am I that critical of others? No. Are some people? Yes. Do I usually like such critical people? No.... Then who cares? And then I thought more.
This isn't about me... This is about her and her need to be critical. Her need to find something wrong. In how I look. In how I clean. In how people do anything. She looks to find mistakes. I think it makes her feel better to find mistakes and she has said about herself before that her biggest flaw is that she is too perfect. And perhaps that is true.
So, I decided to try to put the comment behind me. How can I let someone's comment get under my skin? Why do I care? Why do I have this people pleaser side to me even with people I will never be able to please? Is it worth my effort to try? Who is it helping and who is it hurting if I let it affect me? So, I really am trying to shrug it off. I have come so far and if the worst thing she can say about my appearance is that a dress that looks mostly great makes my neck slope visible, then so what?
Stats for 4/15/12:
Highest weight: 275. Now: 170.8
Today would have been my father's 62nd birthday. Even though he wasn't a part of my life since I was 9 for the most part and not a positive person in my life, it's still hard to believe he has been dead for almost 20 years.
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