I finally tracked down a fabric tape measure. I refused to buy another one even though they are only a buck at Joanne's (or at least they used to be) because I know I have at least four of them!
So... Tracked it down and took measurements. I took more than I did the first time around because I learned that the body drops from different parts of the body at different times and sometimes it's where you didn't measure! I didn't measure EVERYTHING, but enough.
So... weight was 240.6 (Saturday) when I took these measurements. I compare them to the weight I was when I took similar measurements at a similar weight of 239.2
February 28, 2011: April 5, 2014:
Widest Bust: 46 47
Under Bust: 39
Narrowest Waist sucked in: 40 41
Narrowest Waist relaxed: 44
Belly Button sucked in: 44
Belly Button relaxed: 47
Widest part of Hips: 49 49
Upper Thighs: 28.5 28
Widest part of Calf: 17.5
Upper Arms: 16.5 17
Neck: 16.25
Wrist: 7.25
So my gut reaction was that I was slightly bigger in the boobs and mid-section than before and my legs were a bit thinner. Ah, the classic apple shape getting more and more pronounced as I enter menopause territory. That's another great reason to get with the program and lose weight, but more important get fit. I don't want to turn into a complete apple!
In other news, my blood pressure (with medication) is getting much better. It was 127/82. I'm pretty sure it's safe for me to exercise now. I see the NP on Monday, so I'll see. For today and tomorrow I'll just plan on some light walking and then I'll amp it up and then hopefully, very quickly cut back on the blood pressure medication with more added fitness and improving thyroid function.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Man did it smart to walk by all those cute, small clothes yesterday
So yesterday was part two of getting some clothes that FIT. I have currently, one skirt, 2 pairs of pants and 3 shirts that fit. And they are all for winter. Everything else is a couple sizes too small - including everything for spring and summer. There is no getting around getting a few outfits until I shrink down and even then, I'll probably need to get the next size down too - a few things.
I went to TJMaxx and Marshalls and perused their clearance racks in the plus section. You know, that place I never wanted to have to shop in - ever again.
Seems my size is between a 14W-18W depending on the manufacturer/cut of the item. And between 1X and 2X on top. I managed to get a few tops and a skirt and one pair of jeans to get me by, but I wasn't overly excited about anything I saw on any of the plus size racks, clearance or regular.
To get to the plus size racks, you have to walk past all the misses sizes and man are there a lot of really cute things. Pretty colors. Cute designs. Just fun! The plus sizes? YUCK! And it wasn't just my attitude, they were dreary and dark and boring. But I found a few coordinating things to get by, so it will do.
To add to that feeling that they don't know how to make cute plus size clothes, last evening I watched a couple of episodes of Under the Gunn, a spin-off of Project Runway. One of the episodes was "dressing the real woman" and as usual, most of the women had nice bodies that are easier to design for, but one was curvier than the others. Guess whose outfit looked the most ill-fitting on the runway? As is the case every single time on these shows. Designers - we are not models. We have shapes... LEARN TO DESIGN FOR DIFFERENT SHAPES!!! Learn that some women are big on the bottom. Some are big on top. Some are straight. Some have big thighs. Some have short torsos and some have long torsos, and so on.
That is why you find designers that work for you. Like, Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren pants are much more likely to fit me and fit me well that other designers. When I was thinner, LuckyJeans did too. Other brands do not fit me well, but in plus sizes, it's even more hit or miss.
Anyway, back to shopping. I have also needed to get some more fitness clothes. Man did I feel out of place and like a fraud in the sports store day before yesterday. That and almost everything on the racks were for people with no jiggle and nothing to hide. I don't know what changed, but 4 years ago there was more variety for plus size fitness or "larger" normal size fitness clothes. Then, I could find fitness skorts, short sleeved tops that fit, but weren't skin tight and short. Now? I see skin tight bottoms or super short shorts and everything's sleeveless or long sleeved. Skorts? I found TWO - both in clearance sections. I loved my fitness skorts! Now I'm sad I didn't keep them!
I also tried on some swimsuits. Oh lordy. It's always bad, but if I thought I looked awful in suits at 165-175 pounds, Pfft, I look plain dreadful at 240 pounds! ACK! I'll probably have to order something from LandsEnd, which, when I had gotten thinner, they didn't fit right, but for now, it's probably my best bet. I want to start some swimming to get back into fitness and probably some water aerobics - especially as I'm still bothered by some injuries.
In a nutshell, shopping for clothes was painful and not a pleasant experience. Soon, hopefully by the end of this summer, I can start to wear some of my bigger saved clothes and do what is commonly called "closet shopping." I have some lovely clothes - once I can fit them again.
I went to TJMaxx and Marshalls and perused their clearance racks in the plus section. You know, that place I never wanted to have to shop in - ever again.
Seems my size is between a 14W-18W depending on the manufacturer/cut of the item. And between 1X and 2X on top. I managed to get a few tops and a skirt and one pair of jeans to get me by, but I wasn't overly excited about anything I saw on any of the plus size racks, clearance or regular.
To get to the plus size racks, you have to walk past all the misses sizes and man are there a lot of really cute things. Pretty colors. Cute designs. Just fun! The plus sizes? YUCK! And it wasn't just my attitude, they were dreary and dark and boring. But I found a few coordinating things to get by, so it will do.
To add to that feeling that they don't know how to make cute plus size clothes, last evening I watched a couple of episodes of Under the Gunn, a spin-off of Project Runway. One of the episodes was "dressing the real woman" and as usual, most of the women had nice bodies that are easier to design for, but one was curvier than the others. Guess whose outfit looked the most ill-fitting on the runway? As is the case every single time on these shows. Designers - we are not models. We have shapes... LEARN TO DESIGN FOR DIFFERENT SHAPES!!! Learn that some women are big on the bottom. Some are big on top. Some are straight. Some have big thighs. Some have short torsos and some have long torsos, and so on.
That is why you find designers that work for you. Like, Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren pants are much more likely to fit me and fit me well that other designers. When I was thinner, LuckyJeans did too. Other brands do not fit me well, but in plus sizes, it's even more hit or miss.
Anyway, back to shopping. I have also needed to get some more fitness clothes. Man did I feel out of place and like a fraud in the sports store day before yesterday. That and almost everything on the racks were for people with no jiggle and nothing to hide. I don't know what changed, but 4 years ago there was more variety for plus size fitness or "larger" normal size fitness clothes. Then, I could find fitness skorts, short sleeved tops that fit, but weren't skin tight and short. Now? I see skin tight bottoms or super short shorts and everything's sleeveless or long sleeved. Skorts? I found TWO - both in clearance sections. I loved my fitness skorts! Now I'm sad I didn't keep them!
I also tried on some swimsuits. Oh lordy. It's always bad, but if I thought I looked awful in suits at 165-175 pounds, Pfft, I look plain dreadful at 240 pounds! ACK! I'll probably have to order something from LandsEnd, which, when I had gotten thinner, they didn't fit right, but for now, it's probably my best bet. I want to start some swimming to get back into fitness and probably some water aerobics - especially as I'm still bothered by some injuries.
In a nutshell, shopping for clothes was painful and not a pleasant experience. Soon, hopefully by the end of this summer, I can start to wear some of my bigger saved clothes and do what is commonly called "closet shopping." I have some lovely clothes - once I can fit them again.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Saw my labs - not nearly as bad as I expected
For as long as I've ignored things, I'm surprised things aren't as bad as I thought they would be. But then, they've been ignored for about 8-9 months... not for YEARS like in the past.
My thyroid is low in all areas, so that needs to be addressed and is. The doctor's office called in the prescription at the end of the day yesterday, so I started it last night. (Yes you can do it at night too as long as you have an empty stomach).
My vitamin D is really low.
My Fasting Blood Sugars is slightly high
My cholesterol is moderately high and the "bad" cholesterol is high
And, of course, I know the blood pressure is high.
Everything should get back on track with taking the thyroid medicine except the Vitamin D. I just need more sunlight and a supplement.
The last time I was in "trouble" the numbers were way worse except the blood pressure. My blood pressure is the #1 indicator of my thyroid is adjusted or not - even slight differences affect it. And that isn't typical, but is typical for me. Even 2 years ago when my TSH went from 3.5 to 4.5 my blood pressure went from normal to too high, (around 170/100). So, the good news is that I can probably get an idea of how well adjusted my thyroid medication is by watching my blood pressure. Bad news is that it takes the thyroid much longer to regular than it does to get blood pressure to regulate.
So, that is good news. They other bit of good news is that I'm ready to get with the program again. I feel a new energy. I feel less despair. And it's been building for several weeks, but now... I'm seriously ready.
Yesterday I went and bought a new sports bra what fits and a few workout clothes that fit. As well, I cannot wear the same clothes I was wearing when I was 175 pounds as I can at 242 pounds now can I?
And I just want to GO DO IT. Can't yet because of blood pressure, but as soon as I get the go ahead for exercise, I will.
Also, I ate well and low carb yesterday and it was easy. I looked at my kids cookies and just put them away versus grabbing a couple.
You cannot imagine how good that feels to feel that I have some control again. Let's hope that it stays that way!
My thyroid is low in all areas, so that needs to be addressed and is. The doctor's office called in the prescription at the end of the day yesterday, so I started it last night. (Yes you can do it at night too as long as you have an empty stomach).
My vitamin D is really low.
My Fasting Blood Sugars is slightly high
My cholesterol is moderately high and the "bad" cholesterol is high
And, of course, I know the blood pressure is high.
Everything should get back on track with taking the thyroid medicine except the Vitamin D. I just need more sunlight and a supplement.
The last time I was in "trouble" the numbers were way worse except the blood pressure. My blood pressure is the #1 indicator of my thyroid is adjusted or not - even slight differences affect it. And that isn't typical, but is typical for me. Even 2 years ago when my TSH went from 3.5 to 4.5 my blood pressure went from normal to too high, (around 170/100). So, the good news is that I can probably get an idea of how well adjusted my thyroid medication is by watching my blood pressure. Bad news is that it takes the thyroid much longer to regular than it does to get blood pressure to regulate.
So, that is good news. They other bit of good news is that I'm ready to get with the program again. I feel a new energy. I feel less despair. And it's been building for several weeks, but now... I'm seriously ready.
Yesterday I went and bought a new sports bra what fits and a few workout clothes that fit. As well, I cannot wear the same clothes I was wearing when I was 175 pounds as I can at 242 pounds now can I?
And I just want to GO DO IT. Can't yet because of blood pressure, but as soon as I get the go ahead for exercise, I will.
Also, I ate well and low carb yesterday and it was easy. I looked at my kids cookies and just put them away versus grabbing a couple.
You cannot imagine how good that feels to feel that I have some control again. Let's hope that it stays that way!
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Our medical system is messed up
I have insurance. I have a primary care doctor - even better, I have the WHOLE PRACTICE I can go to, not just a specific doctor. And, it's a PPO, so I don't have to get referrals to make appointments for specialists. When I needed to see a dermatologist to get some suspicious spots on my face looked at, I just called. When I felt I should see an endocrinologist to get my thyroid regulated even more tightly, I just called. When it works, it's great.
But last week I called to see my doctor. It would take 5 weeks to get an appointment with that specific doctor, would I mind seeing the Nurse Practitioner? No problem, next Monday at 9 am. I wanted to get started on my thyroid medication as soon as possible because it controls so many things that I knew were out of whack.
I went to that appointment and she was very nervous about my blood pressure. She gave me paperwork to do labs and told me to come in next day to check on the BP. She was not going to give the prescription for the thyroid medication until she saw the results from the labs - to see where I was. In the meantime she called in (faxed in) prescriptions for blood pressure medications. But it didn't get sent or was lost. I had to go through all of that - twice.
I came in next day after doing my labs and the BP was lower. She said she would want me to come in next week to go over the labs. I specifically asked that if the thyroid was off, would she call in the prescription. She said yes. No call yesterday, but first thing this morning, 8 am, I have a call from my doctor's office. "Can I make an appointment for next week to go over my lab results?"
NEXT WEEK???? I ask about the prescription. The person on the phone said that there is no note and that the NP wants to talk with me first. I am getting really annoyed, but stay calm. I say, "can you please leave a note for the NP about filling the prescription".
That means, that an extra 2 weeks were added to the wait of starting a medication that I NEED. Yes, I had gone off it voluntarily, but once they got me in and know my history, they should have jumped immediately.
My known history is (all documented in their files): I had very high BP, high cholesterol, high blood sugar levels and a very, very low thyroid 3.5 years ago. Once the thyroid adjusted, all the other numbers came in line. ALL OF THEM.
I even said with the NP - BOTH DAYS that my cholesterol will be high. My blood sugar will be high, just as my blood pressure was high. They want that all to get better? START THE THYROID MEDICATION!!!!!!!!!
On top of that, those are MY lab results. When my mother in law gets labs done with Kaiser Permanente, she gets results to her email the same time the doctor gets them. Why do I have to wait to "discuss them" to know what it says? Instead, I have to go through this sign up thing online and they take WAY longer to receive than it does to get to the doctor. I had one set up for the lab I usually use, but the NP sent me to a different lab (which was better, so that's OK), but it means I had to set up a new account and have to wait. No results are available yet.
So... they are my results... and I have to wait 4 days to see them once they've already been reported - 6 days since having them done.
What makes me sooooo upset is that she was wanting to rush me via ambulance 3 days ago to the ER to get my blood pressure down - one that is elevated because of the thyroid. AND had probably been that high for weeks or months. Yet... there is no urgency in getting me started on the medications that will get things back to normal - as naturally as possible.
Yes, I know... I'm the one who screwed this up in the first place by not taking my medications, but should there be all of this just to start taking something I know I need?
And I would say there is close to ZERO chance that my thyroid is fine... so I highly doubt that possibility. Checking my blood pressure in a a few minutes should be interesting. I'm sure it's raised.
And, to add to my frustrations, now that I'm feeling less depressed, I am getting to work on getting more help for my son on the autism spectrum. He needs re-evaluating and he needs to see someone about his food and dinner table issues. His IEP meeting at school is this coming Tuesday, but I will need to do some stuff outside of school too. Oh, and yesterday the Speech therapist my youngest sees outside of school added to the to-do list. She thinks I should have him evaluated for ADHD.
While simultaneously, I am trying to help my older son graduate and make college decisions. And with his ADHD and school fatigue, that's not easy either.
No wonder I got so freaking depressed.
But last week I called to see my doctor. It would take 5 weeks to get an appointment with that specific doctor, would I mind seeing the Nurse Practitioner? No problem, next Monday at 9 am. I wanted to get started on my thyroid medication as soon as possible because it controls so many things that I knew were out of whack.
I went to that appointment and she was very nervous about my blood pressure. She gave me paperwork to do labs and told me to come in next day to check on the BP. She was not going to give the prescription for the thyroid medication until she saw the results from the labs - to see where I was. In the meantime she called in (faxed in) prescriptions for blood pressure medications. But it didn't get sent or was lost. I had to go through all of that - twice.
I came in next day after doing my labs and the BP was lower. She said she would want me to come in next week to go over the labs. I specifically asked that if the thyroid was off, would she call in the prescription. She said yes. No call yesterday, but first thing this morning, 8 am, I have a call from my doctor's office. "Can I make an appointment for next week to go over my lab results?"
NEXT WEEK???? I ask about the prescription. The person on the phone said that there is no note and that the NP wants to talk with me first. I am getting really annoyed, but stay calm. I say, "can you please leave a note for the NP about filling the prescription".
That means, that an extra 2 weeks were added to the wait of starting a medication that I NEED. Yes, I had gone off it voluntarily, but once they got me in and know my history, they should have jumped immediately.
My known history is (all documented in their files): I had very high BP, high cholesterol, high blood sugar levels and a very, very low thyroid 3.5 years ago. Once the thyroid adjusted, all the other numbers came in line. ALL OF THEM.
I even said with the NP - BOTH DAYS that my cholesterol will be high. My blood sugar will be high, just as my blood pressure was high. They want that all to get better? START THE THYROID MEDICATION!!!!!!!!!
On top of that, those are MY lab results. When my mother in law gets labs done with Kaiser Permanente, she gets results to her email the same time the doctor gets them. Why do I have to wait to "discuss them" to know what it says? Instead, I have to go through this sign up thing online and they take WAY longer to receive than it does to get to the doctor. I had one set up for the lab I usually use, but the NP sent me to a different lab (which was better, so that's OK), but it means I had to set up a new account and have to wait. No results are available yet.
So... they are my results... and I have to wait 4 days to see them once they've already been reported - 6 days since having them done.
What makes me sooooo upset is that she was wanting to rush me via ambulance 3 days ago to the ER to get my blood pressure down - one that is elevated because of the thyroid. AND had probably been that high for weeks or months. Yet... there is no urgency in getting me started on the medications that will get things back to normal - as naturally as possible.
Yes, I know... I'm the one who screwed this up in the first place by not taking my medications, but should there be all of this just to start taking something I know I need?
And I would say there is close to ZERO chance that my thyroid is fine... so I highly doubt that possibility. Checking my blood pressure in a a few minutes should be interesting. I'm sure it's raised.
And, to add to my frustrations, now that I'm feeling less depressed, I am getting to work on getting more help for my son on the autism spectrum. He needs re-evaluating and he needs to see someone about his food and dinner table issues. His IEP meeting at school is this coming Tuesday, but I will need to do some stuff outside of school too. Oh, and yesterday the Speech therapist my youngest sees outside of school added to the to-do list. She thinks I should have him evaluated for ADHD.
While simultaneously, I am trying to help my older son graduate and make college decisions. And with his ADHD and school fatigue, that's not easy either.
No wonder I got so freaking depressed.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
How and why did I get so complacent?
This first part is taken directly for posts from a website I wrote on yesterday, but then I expand on this already long theme:
Why did I become complacent?
Around the time I was turning 40, my health hit an all time low. I went into the doctor's office because of daily, awful headaches. Found out my blood pressure was 220/130 (should be 120/80ish). My thyroid was around 48-50ish (should be under 3, and preferably around 1) , my fasting blood sugar was around 150 (should be under 100). My Cholesterol was 250ish (should be under 200) and I felt awful - no duh.
They got things regulated with medications and I started feeling better and one by one things got better - first the BP, then the cholesterol and blood sugars and finally the thyroid got better to where it should be. The only medication I needed after a few months was the thyroid medication - it was causing all the other problems.
All was great - I felt great and had energy and so on. With proper medication and fitness and diet - I got everything PERFECT - better than ever before in my life.
Then... I got complacent. "eh" maybe I can eat this." or "Eh, maybe I don't really need this thyroid medicine. Maybe my thyroid was so messed up because of how I was eating." And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. (or so the evil voice told me... really it was about being ashamed of gaining 30 pounds and being afraid of too many carbs affecting my blood sugar levels). Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control.
I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months. My blood pressure was 200/150. They couldn't get it to come down even with medication that should bring it down quickly and they wanted me to go to the emergency room. I declined as my husband was out of town and I had to deal with the kids and no one to really take me. They gave me more meds to take at home and made me promise I would come back in next day. I did. It's now down to 150-100 and I already feel better and my eyes look better. I will check in a few to see if it has come down even more.
I did blood work yesterday morning. I know it's going to be a mess.
What the hell happened to me that I really stopped caring? I got scared to death to jump start this weight loss journey 4 years ago. How did I forget how bad things were?
How can a smart person like me be so freaking stupid? And how can I keep myself from ever being that stupid again?
DEPRESSION KILLS!!!!!
And I'm not a person in depression frequently- I have occasional episodes with some SAD winter blahs, but this started last spring - lasted all summer and just got deep/bad in the fall and winter. I've been in it for about a year - deeply so for the last 7 or so months. I have mild depression every winter. I have had maybe 2 other times these DEEP depressions.
I need to learn from this... and not get complacent, but I also need to figure out HOW to stop this cycle. (More on this below)
The doctor's office yesterday was not "convinced" I would keep taking my medications and that I would come back for followup. I didn't get it. I mean... I made that appointment, right? I came back the next day right? But then I thought, "well duh, you also didn't come in for a year to refill a needed for life medication that only costs me (with insurance) $1 a month. Without insurance it's like $3 a month - it's that cheap. That medication keeps me from death's door to healthy. Why would they trust me to take care of myself? I have proven to them that I'm incapable of caring for myself.
I have to re-build trust with everyone - family and doctors. And that can get dangerous for me too as I'm a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy and that also keeps me away or hide things if I think it will make them unhappy. It's why I hide my hurtness/pain. I don't want other people to feel bad. Well WAKE UP MELISSA"! They feel bad when you are depressed too - far longer and much worse than a temporary "worry" that we can make better.
I'm not even opposed to treating depression or seeing a counselor, so it's not even that... it's being afraid of disappointing people - ANYONE.
And, someone on the forum asked me to maybe think back to see if there was a trigger that started the depression. I don't think there was a single trigger. It was a ton of things that just finally did me in.
1. Series of injuries. Every time I would try something else to rest one injury, I would get another.
2. I joined a weight loss team at the gym and despite working my butt off and eating right for three months, the results were far less than I was hoping for.
3. The sexual side effects of either dieting or the thyroid medicine was really bugging me after dealing with it for over two years.
4. I was having a hard time being satisfied with my caloric intake. I was hungry all the time, but if I increased my foods, I gained weight and I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise as much and exercise is a mood booster and an appetite suppressant for me.
5. I was feeling in a rut with our life. We had to cancel several couple/date plans. My husband and I hardly had time for each other for fun. It was all - house, work, kids and their school and issues, and working out - nothing left over for fun.
6. I went deeper into depression when I could see how upset my husband was with my weight gain. And our sex life went to zero.
7. My mother in law is a constant frustration. (We all live under the same roof)
8. Winter started and my light depression sunk to deep depression with the lack of light, the wet and the cold. I couldn't even walk for pleasure as it wasn't even pleasant to be outside nearly all winter long.
9. Having to deal with my senior in HS’s schooling and college applications was a constant battle.
10. My younger son with autism was having a really hard year and hating school.
And there are probably more triggers. I don't think that there has to be a single trigger. Just sometimes the battles get to be too much to deal with - for me at least. I had a breaking point.
And... I realize, when I hit the "must not cross line" and I crossed it, then I really didn't care. That line in the sand was crossed, so oh well... I've destroyed everything, so why not just say to hell with it for now. I got over 200 pounds. All was lost.
Yet, that other voice kept speaking to me - Tomorrow I'll eat better. Tomorrow I'll take a walk. The first of the month will be a fresh start. I don't want to buy too many clothes, because I won't be in this size for long. I WILL get this under control. Yet, I never did - until now. And I wonder if I would even be here now if it wasn't for my husband asking about my thyroid medication. He asked when I last took it. I told him honestly. And that is when he forced me to wake up. While I was feeling better and better, I wasn't to the point of 'admitting' where I had been. I don't know when or if I would have ever broken out of it on my own. I was that ashamed to go to the doctor to admit my failure. They were sooooooooo proud of me. I beat the odds. I did it when so many cannot. I somehow wanted to get better BEFORE going back to the doctor.... but with a nearly non-functioning thyroid? How did I forget how debilitating it was for me?
And, the - husband, doctor, etc ARE terribly disappointed in me, but not with what I was afraid of - they are disappointed and worried that I totally threw away my health over pride of, at that time, a few pounds - well, fewer pounds. 30 pounds is FAR less than 75!!!! My fear of letting people down was that strong which is so completely stupid. And I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself.
My new strategy is that I will make my husband my watch dog. If he notices habits sliding, I have to promise that I will call my doctor to get on an antidepressant as, I think I can know from a few lessons now, it's the depression that does it to me. I won't say, "I'll try harder." Or, "Yes, I know, I'm trying." I will promise to really address the issue - which is depression. I'm already trying to do better with the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), but if I feel/sense or my husband does, then I have to admit it and deal with it. There is no shame in that. The shame is in ignoring it.
I think that is the key to never sliding again - not allowing myself to get deeply depressed.
Why did I become complacent?
Around the time I was turning 40, my health hit an all time low. I went into the doctor's office because of daily, awful headaches. Found out my blood pressure was 220/130 (should be 120/80ish). My thyroid was around 48-50ish (should be under 3, and preferably around 1) , my fasting blood sugar was around 150 (should be under 100). My Cholesterol was 250ish (should be under 200) and I felt awful - no duh.
They got things regulated with medications and I started feeling better and one by one things got better - first the BP, then the cholesterol and blood sugars and finally the thyroid got better to where it should be. The only medication I needed after a few months was the thyroid medication - it was causing all the other problems.
All was great - I felt great and had energy and so on. With proper medication and fitness and diet - I got everything PERFECT - better than ever before in my life.
Then... I got complacent. "eh" maybe I can eat this." or "Eh, maybe I don't really need this thyroid medicine. Maybe my thyroid was so messed up because of how I was eating." And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. (or so the evil voice told me... really it was about being ashamed of gaining 30 pounds and being afraid of too many carbs affecting my blood sugar levels). Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control.
I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months. My blood pressure was 200/150. They couldn't get it to come down even with medication that should bring it down quickly and they wanted me to go to the emergency room. I declined as my husband was out of town and I had to deal with the kids and no one to really take me. They gave me more meds to take at home and made me promise I would come back in next day. I did. It's now down to 150-100 and I already feel better and my eyes look better. I will check in a few to see if it has come down even more.
I did blood work yesterday morning. I know it's going to be a mess.
What the hell happened to me that I really stopped caring? I got scared to death to jump start this weight loss journey 4 years ago. How did I forget how bad things were?
How can a smart person like me be so freaking stupid? And how can I keep myself from ever being that stupid again?
DEPRESSION KILLS!!!!!
And I'm not a person in depression frequently- I have occasional episodes with some SAD winter blahs, but this started last spring - lasted all summer and just got deep/bad in the fall and winter. I've been in it for about a year - deeply so for the last 7 or so months. I have mild depression every winter. I have had maybe 2 other times these DEEP depressions.
I need to learn from this... and not get complacent, but I also need to figure out HOW to stop this cycle. (More on this below)
The doctor's office yesterday was not "convinced" I would keep taking my medications and that I would come back for followup. I didn't get it. I mean... I made that appointment, right? I came back the next day right? But then I thought, "well duh, you also didn't come in for a year to refill a needed for life medication that only costs me (with insurance) $1 a month. Without insurance it's like $3 a month - it's that cheap. That medication keeps me from death's door to healthy. Why would they trust me to take care of myself? I have proven to them that I'm incapable of caring for myself.
I have to re-build trust with everyone - family and doctors. And that can get dangerous for me too as I'm a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy and that also keeps me away or hide things if I think it will make them unhappy. It's why I hide my hurtness/pain. I don't want other people to feel bad. Well WAKE UP MELISSA"! They feel bad when you are depressed too - far longer and much worse than a temporary "worry" that we can make better.
I'm not even opposed to treating depression or seeing a counselor, so it's not even that... it's being afraid of disappointing people - ANYONE.
And, someone on the forum asked me to maybe think back to see if there was a trigger that started the depression. I don't think there was a single trigger. It was a ton of things that just finally did me in.
1. Series of injuries. Every time I would try something else to rest one injury, I would get another.
2. I joined a weight loss team at the gym and despite working my butt off and eating right for three months, the results were far less than I was hoping for.
3. The sexual side effects of either dieting or the thyroid medicine was really bugging me after dealing with it for over two years.
4. I was having a hard time being satisfied with my caloric intake. I was hungry all the time, but if I increased my foods, I gained weight and I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise as much and exercise is a mood booster and an appetite suppressant for me.
5. I was feeling in a rut with our life. We had to cancel several couple/date plans. My husband and I hardly had time for each other for fun. It was all - house, work, kids and their school and issues, and working out - nothing left over for fun.
6. I went deeper into depression when I could see how upset my husband was with my weight gain. And our sex life went to zero.
7. My mother in law is a constant frustration. (We all live under the same roof)
8. Winter started and my light depression sunk to deep depression with the lack of light, the wet and the cold. I couldn't even walk for pleasure as it wasn't even pleasant to be outside nearly all winter long.
9. Having to deal with my senior in HS’s schooling and college applications was a constant battle.
10. My younger son with autism was having a really hard year and hating school.
And there are probably more triggers. I don't think that there has to be a single trigger. Just sometimes the battles get to be too much to deal with - for me at least. I had a breaking point.
And... I realize, when I hit the "must not cross line" and I crossed it, then I really didn't care. That line in the sand was crossed, so oh well... I've destroyed everything, so why not just say to hell with it for now. I got over 200 pounds. All was lost.
Yet, that other voice kept speaking to me - Tomorrow I'll eat better. Tomorrow I'll take a walk. The first of the month will be a fresh start. I don't want to buy too many clothes, because I won't be in this size for long. I WILL get this under control. Yet, I never did - until now. And I wonder if I would even be here now if it wasn't for my husband asking about my thyroid medication. He asked when I last took it. I told him honestly. And that is when he forced me to wake up. While I was feeling better and better, I wasn't to the point of 'admitting' where I had been. I don't know when or if I would have ever broken out of it on my own. I was that ashamed to go to the doctor to admit my failure. They were sooooooooo proud of me. I beat the odds. I did it when so many cannot. I somehow wanted to get better BEFORE going back to the doctor.... but with a nearly non-functioning thyroid? How did I forget how debilitating it was for me?
And, the - husband, doctor, etc ARE terribly disappointed in me, but not with what I was afraid of - they are disappointed and worried that I totally threw away my health over pride of, at that time, a few pounds - well, fewer pounds. 30 pounds is FAR less than 75!!!! My fear of letting people down was that strong which is so completely stupid. And I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself.
My new strategy is that I will make my husband my watch dog. If he notices habits sliding, I have to promise that I will call my doctor to get on an antidepressant as, I think I can know from a few lessons now, it's the depression that does it to me. I won't say, "I'll try harder." Or, "Yes, I know, I'm trying." I will promise to really address the issue - which is depression. I'm already trying to do better with the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), but if I feel/sense or my husband does, then I have to admit it and deal with it. There is no shame in that. The shame is in ignoring it.
I think that is the key to never sliding again - not allowing myself to get deeply depressed.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Thank you for all the positiveness
This is no April Fool's message. First, I'm not witty enough to pull off an April Fool's joke. Second, I'm not mentally in a place to want to pull a April Fool's joke.
The hardest part, for me, in starting something hard - something I don't like about myself - is facing the music. Getting started. Being honest with myself and with people around me. I guess I'm secretive about things that are very painful. I don't share pain until I'm mostly over the pain and have moved on to healing. I've been that way for like... forever I think.
People will say, "but you are so open." Am I really? Or maybe I'm selectively open. When my head is in a good place, I'm very open. It's true. I can share the bad stuff that is behind me or even the bad stuff that I'm dealing with right then and there, but when my head isn't in a good place? I withdraw into myself. Completely. No one is allowed in. No one. Not my best friends. Not my children. Not my spouse. Now, if I were asked about things that might be noticed, I would answer honestly, but I wouldn't volunteer information - ever. I become extremely closed about what is the most painful.
It's why I stopped writing. It's why I stopped frequenting several boards. It's why I just "shut off".
That is what I need to work on and stop the cycle of doing it again and again. I need to stop myself from completely withdrawing. I need to keep the communication lines open. If I can do that, I can probably stay in the funk for a shorter time because I can get the help that I need much sooner. I don't know why I get into these, "I can fix it myself" mentalities. Obviously, it's not the healthiest option.
So, I'm still learning about myself. 44 years old and still figuring it all out. Will I ever?
This has been especially hard for my husband. I know he is angry, sad, disappointed, scared. When I close up like that and "hide", he feels I'm being dishonest. While I never lied about anything. It's true I am not being upfront either. Like I never said I was not taking or refilling my thyroid medicine. I just didn't say anything. When he asked last week, I told him honestly. To him that is a betrayal of sorts and I know he's angry and worried. And I understand that.
I also understand it's hard to see the person he loves be so self-harming. I lost 110 pounds the healthy and smart way. We were happy and in a very good place with our marriage. Then I gained 30 of those back and fought for a year the same 30 pounds up and down. We were still OK. Then I just stopped everything and gained an additional 45 in less than a year. I'm not too far ahead of where I was 4 years ago and my health is right back to the pits. I don't need to blood work to tell me that. I know it. I know things are all out of kilter - not just the blood pressure for which I need to regulate (again) by meds until my thyroid behaves normally again and it comes back down to normal. And my marriage? It's not in danger, but it's in a low, for sure and how could it not be when one person is pulling it down by not taking care of themselves?
But already, I'm feeling better. It started a few weeks ago and every day is a bit better. Yesterday was really, really rough as I had to face the doctor and the health issues which I knew were there. But... I faced it and there's only moving on and making it better from here and working on staying in a good place and maybe devising ways that I can't retreat into myself ever again. It not only hurts me, but the people I love.
So... I'm facing the music.
At the doctor's office yesterday with clothes and shoes the scale said 246. At home today, nude, first thing in the morning, it read 241.6 So, that is my new starting point. My end goal is to be healthy and I think an attainable, healthy weight for me is 175... which is 100 pounds from my all time high. and 10 pounds heavier than my all time low.
But my real goal is just to be healthy and to live healthy - with fitness and and with eating. I'm not going to get stuck on the pounds as much as before. I need to eat right and move right and worry less about the scale. If I do the fitness and the healthy eating, the scale should follow.
275/241.6/175
Ha! Editing to add that it's kind of fitting that on April Fool's I find out that I need to lose 66.6 pounds. 666?
The hardest part, for me, in starting something hard - something I don't like about myself - is facing the music. Getting started. Being honest with myself and with people around me. I guess I'm secretive about things that are very painful. I don't share pain until I'm mostly over the pain and have moved on to healing. I've been that way for like... forever I think.
People will say, "but you are so open." Am I really? Or maybe I'm selectively open. When my head is in a good place, I'm very open. It's true. I can share the bad stuff that is behind me or even the bad stuff that I'm dealing with right then and there, but when my head isn't in a good place? I withdraw into myself. Completely. No one is allowed in. No one. Not my best friends. Not my children. Not my spouse. Now, if I were asked about things that might be noticed, I would answer honestly, but I wouldn't volunteer information - ever. I become extremely closed about what is the most painful.
It's why I stopped writing. It's why I stopped frequenting several boards. It's why I just "shut off".
That is what I need to work on and stop the cycle of doing it again and again. I need to stop myself from completely withdrawing. I need to keep the communication lines open. If I can do that, I can probably stay in the funk for a shorter time because I can get the help that I need much sooner. I don't know why I get into these, "I can fix it myself" mentalities. Obviously, it's not the healthiest option.
So, I'm still learning about myself. 44 years old and still figuring it all out. Will I ever?
This has been especially hard for my husband. I know he is angry, sad, disappointed, scared. When I close up like that and "hide", he feels I'm being dishonest. While I never lied about anything. It's true I am not being upfront either. Like I never said I was not taking or refilling my thyroid medicine. I just didn't say anything. When he asked last week, I told him honestly. To him that is a betrayal of sorts and I know he's angry and worried. And I understand that.
I also understand it's hard to see the person he loves be so self-harming. I lost 110 pounds the healthy and smart way. We were happy and in a very good place with our marriage. Then I gained 30 of those back and fought for a year the same 30 pounds up and down. We were still OK. Then I just stopped everything and gained an additional 45 in less than a year. I'm not too far ahead of where I was 4 years ago and my health is right back to the pits. I don't need to blood work to tell me that. I know it. I know things are all out of kilter - not just the blood pressure for which I need to regulate (again) by meds until my thyroid behaves normally again and it comes back down to normal. And my marriage? It's not in danger, but it's in a low, for sure and how could it not be when one person is pulling it down by not taking care of themselves?
But already, I'm feeling better. It started a few weeks ago and every day is a bit better. Yesterday was really, really rough as I had to face the doctor and the health issues which I knew were there. But... I faced it and there's only moving on and making it better from here and working on staying in a good place and maybe devising ways that I can't retreat into myself ever again. It not only hurts me, but the people I love.
So... I'm facing the music.
At the doctor's office yesterday with clothes and shoes the scale said 246. At home today, nude, first thing in the morning, it read 241.6 So, that is my new starting point. My end goal is to be healthy and I think an attainable, healthy weight for me is 175... which is 100 pounds from my all time high. and 10 pounds heavier than my all time low.
But my real goal is just to be healthy and to live healthy - with fitness and and with eating. I'm not going to get stuck on the pounds as much as before. I need to eat right and move right and worry less about the scale. If I do the fitness and the healthy eating, the scale should follow.
275/241.6/175
Ha! Editing to add that it's kind of fitting that on April Fool's I find out that I need to lose 66.6 pounds. 666?
Monday, March 31, 2014
The amount of time I'm away... speaks volumes
I told myself, when I was deep in the throws or self-hatred and deep depression that I would NOT write on this blog ever again. I told myself that I would do it "again" silently, on my own, without crutches like a blog to keep me accountable or a forum about weight loss and fitness. I was ashamed and I wanted to hide.
But as I've blogged about before - there is no 'hiding' weight gain or weight loss. We wear our sorrows. I KNOW, K.N.O.W. people near me have been watching me balloon up in size again. Maybe some are worried. Some are sad. Some are gloating. And some are scared for themselves - because "if Melissa can fail, then maybe I will too?"
And I am ashamed and disappointed in myself. Why did I let all the little things finally topple everything over. Why did I dig in so deep?
How deep? Very... Like... stopped taking my thyroid medicines over a year ago deep. I am just back from the doctor's office. My blood pressure is through the roof (again). I'm sure my blood sugars are bad (again). Same with cholesterol, and of course, the thyroid is probably off the charts bad/low functioning. My learning from before was the my thyroid very much controls these things.
What happened? So many things. I can probably list a half dozen or more - but none of them are the "one thing". I just reached a point of super frustration of realizing that I was always going to feel hungry. Was always going to have to eliminate whole categories of food, throw in 2-3 injuries that kept me from the gym and in different states of pain (leg and shoulder injuries and neck and back spasms). and then pride got involved of me "wanting to fix it on my own without anyone knowing - even the doctors." Yes, a smart person can be very, very, very dumb.
But I am here because I need to be here. I need to write. And if you are mad at me or gloating - fine, do so, but keep your freaking mouth SHUT.
You think you had it worse than me and you were successful and I should have been too? Shut up about it and go away if it bugs you that I'm now a deemed "weight loss failure". I don't need to hear it.
One of the best things I EVER heard from a counselor was this, "Don't compare yourself to anyone else and don't compare your problems to their problems. Don't minimalize YOUR issues because they are yours and yours only and your mind will deal with them how YOU can deal with them - not how others deal with theirs."
Add in to all of that and I'm a carb addict. I simply cannot have them. And I was eating them. And then more and more and more and more.... It kills too, just more slowly than heroine and other deadly drugs. Problem is, it is that much harder to stay away from them. I have to eat and carbs are everywhere. I did it before and I can do it again, but even THINKING about it has me in tears. This is not temporary. This is forever.
Now... for the blog... I will try to do it daily as it helped me tremendously. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to do it by weight or clothing size or measurements. I simply don't know. Right now I'm just mad at myself and sad at what I've undone. And right now it's all about getting things back to normal - starting with blood pressure and then the rest.
As far as the blog goes, all pictures from the side bar are taken down as they are of an old journey, not this one. But I'm keeping it the same blog because, like the first time, I want this to be about honesty. And I want to hopefully, show myself and others that it can be done again. and again. and again. if needed. This will be a battle for life. I know it, so I want to be honest about the journeys I take.
Like the first time, I have to do this because if I don't. I will die a young death. But just how do I keep myself from ever 'relapsing' again. I wish I knew. I really do. But this is step one. Being here and finally being honest with myself and everyone else.
But as I've blogged about before - there is no 'hiding' weight gain or weight loss. We wear our sorrows. I KNOW, K.N.O.W. people near me have been watching me balloon up in size again. Maybe some are worried. Some are sad. Some are gloating. And some are scared for themselves - because "if Melissa can fail, then maybe I will too?"
And I am ashamed and disappointed in myself. Why did I let all the little things finally topple everything over. Why did I dig in so deep?
How deep? Very... Like... stopped taking my thyroid medicines over a year ago deep. I am just back from the doctor's office. My blood pressure is through the roof (again). I'm sure my blood sugars are bad (again). Same with cholesterol, and of course, the thyroid is probably off the charts bad/low functioning. My learning from before was the my thyroid very much controls these things.
What happened? So many things. I can probably list a half dozen or more - but none of them are the "one thing". I just reached a point of super frustration of realizing that I was always going to feel hungry. Was always going to have to eliminate whole categories of food, throw in 2-3 injuries that kept me from the gym and in different states of pain (leg and shoulder injuries and neck and back spasms). and then pride got involved of me "wanting to fix it on my own without anyone knowing - even the doctors." Yes, a smart person can be very, very, very dumb.
But I am here because I need to be here. I need to write. And if you are mad at me or gloating - fine, do so, but keep your freaking mouth SHUT.
You think you had it worse than me and you were successful and I should have been too? Shut up about it and go away if it bugs you that I'm now a deemed "weight loss failure". I don't need to hear it.
One of the best things I EVER heard from a counselor was this, "Don't compare yourself to anyone else and don't compare your problems to their problems. Don't minimalize YOUR issues because they are yours and yours only and your mind will deal with them how YOU can deal with them - not how others deal with theirs."
Add in to all of that and I'm a carb addict. I simply cannot have them. And I was eating them. And then more and more and more and more.... It kills too, just more slowly than heroine and other deadly drugs. Problem is, it is that much harder to stay away from them. I have to eat and carbs are everywhere. I did it before and I can do it again, but even THINKING about it has me in tears. This is not temporary. This is forever.
Now... for the blog... I will try to do it daily as it helped me tremendously. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to do it by weight or clothing size or measurements. I simply don't know. Right now I'm just mad at myself and sad at what I've undone. And right now it's all about getting things back to normal - starting with blood pressure and then the rest.
As far as the blog goes, all pictures from the side bar are taken down as they are of an old journey, not this one. But I'm keeping it the same blog because, like the first time, I want this to be about honesty. And I want to hopefully, show myself and others that it can be done again. and again. and again. if needed. This will be a battle for life. I know it, so I want to be honest about the journeys I take.
Like the first time, I have to do this because if I don't. I will die a young death. But just how do I keep myself from ever 'relapsing' again. I wish I knew. I really do. But this is step one. Being here and finally being honest with myself and everyone else.
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