Size astonishment

Today I am wearing a skirt and shirt I have not been able to wear for 6 years. I found them in my closet during my closet shopping spree the other day. They have been packed away in a storage container all this time. I meant to finally ditch these containers last winter, but didn't get to them before the end of year purge I was doing in the house. Now I'm super glad I didn't get to them as I have a whole wardrobe to choose from as I continue to inch my way down. I need to get some more in between clothes, but found quite a few things.

One skirt I found was a favorite. I probably didn't ditch it even though I know it had gotten to loose to wear because it was a favorite. It was a "Melissa thing" as I like to call them. It's skirt that fits my personality. I remember loving this skirt and I remember dropping more weight back then so that this was too loose. That's why I can wear it again as it was an in between size. It feels more thrilling to wear it again, because I had all but given up hope that I would ever have control over my sugar demons again enough to drop a significant amount of weight.

I just looked some more through the clothes for current season items. I had skipped over somethings in my initial search as I didn't expect any larges to fit. I was a 2X. How can a large fit me? Well, after doing some local shopping to replace a few shirts, I had to change my plan. I was finding that several shirts I thought would fit as large were too loose. I exchanged them as larges to find many of them fit. I had gotten a lot smaller than I realized!

So, shopping closet shopping round 2. Now, a LOT of the things in this closet are too small for me and might always be. I had gotten to my lowest adult weight ever and my fittest ever with working out intensely 6 days a week. I could not maintain it. My goal now is to be healthy and to eat for what I feel I can sustain for eating. What I did last time was great in many ways as I learned so much about my needs for eating, etc., but I lost my ability to be moderate and in the end, that was devastating.

This is all about health for me, but sugar addiction is fierce. If I need to weigh than what doctors say is ideal for my body, it is better to weigh more and to be able to keep my sugar demons in check. It is better to be able to keep the level of activity sustainable. 

I got so unbelievably frustrated when I was so close to my artificially created goals and got sideswiped by several overuse injuries. It took me some hard knocks, but I while I feel fitness is important - that it's not about just the weight on the scale, there is also a level that causes physical harm and takes a mental toll trying to keep up with it. New goal is to live an active lifestyle. That means walking, biking, hiking, etc. I just need to keep moving and that will have to be good enough for fitness as doing anything more than that is not maintainable for me. Not now and maybe not ever.

Right now I'm able to deal with the demons quite easily because I'm taking metformin which is suppressing my appetite. As my sugar levels regulate even more, allowing my weight to approach a healthy level, I will probably be told to stop taking metformin. That or my body will adjust to it. This ease of weight loss and sugar control is a huge gift to my health right now. I don't want to have to battle this again to this degree.

Here's hoping I learned some new skills to controlling sugar and if I find I'm stuggling again to seek medical help immediately. I was trying to beat these demons by will power. I can't. My body just can't deal with the extra weight and remain healthy. So, seeking help when needed with either antidepressants or whatever they recommend is what I need to do.

So... some photos. Like aways, these are raw, non glamour shots.First the skirt and top I can now fit comfortably. Second the biking shirt. As you can see, still new with tags. I got it, loved it, but then gained weight. It's snug (as all biking shirts are snug), but it is wearable! I guess I didn't completely too away the $70 I paid for this. Ironically, it doesn't go too shabbily with this skirt.

Man did it smart to walk by all those cute, small clothes yesterday

So yesterday was part two of getting some clothes that FIT. I have currently, one skirt, 2 pairs of pants and 3 shirts that fit. And they are all for winter. Everything else is a couple sizes too small - including everything for spring and summer. There is no getting around getting a few outfits until I shrink down and even then, I'll probably need to get the next size down too - a few things.

I went to TJMaxx and Marshalls and perused their clearance racks in the plus section. You know, that place I never wanted to have to shop in - ever again.

Seems my size is between a 14W-18W depending on the manufacturer/cut of the item. And between 1X and 2X on top. I managed to get a few tops and a skirt and one pair of jeans to get me by, but I wasn't overly excited about anything I saw on any of the plus size racks, clearance or regular.

To get to the plus size racks, you have to walk past all the misses sizes and man are there a lot of really cute things. Pretty colors. Cute designs. Just fun! The plus sizes? YUCK! And it wasn't just my attitude, they were dreary and dark and boring. But I found a few coordinating things to get by, so it will do.

To add to that feeling that they don't know how to make cute plus size clothes, last evening I watched a couple of episodes of Under the Gunn, a spin-off of Project Runway. One of the episodes was "dressing the real woman" and as usual, most of the women had nice bodies that are easier to design for, but one was curvier than the others. Guess whose outfit looked the most ill-fitting on the runway? As is the case every single time on these shows. Designers - we are not models. We have shapes... LEARN TO DESIGN FOR DIFFERENT SHAPES!!! Learn that some women are big on the bottom. Some are big on top. Some are straight. Some have big thighs. Some have short torsos and some have long torsos, and so on.

That is why you find designers that work for you. Like, Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren pants are much more likely to fit me and fit me well that other designers. When I was thinner, LuckyJeans did too. Other brands do not fit me well, but in plus sizes, it's even more hit or miss.

Anyway, back to shopping. I have also needed to get some more fitness clothes. Man did I feel out of place and like a fraud in the sports store day before yesterday. That and almost everything on the racks were for people with no jiggle and nothing to hide. I don't know what changed, but 4 years ago there was more variety for plus size fitness or "larger" normal size fitness clothes. Then, I could find fitness skorts, short sleeved tops that fit, but weren't skin tight and short. Now? I see skin tight bottoms or super short shorts and everything's sleeveless or long sleeved. Skorts? I found TWO - both in clearance sections. I loved my fitness skorts! Now I'm sad I didn't keep them!

I also tried on some swimsuits. Oh lordy. It's always bad, but if I thought I looked awful in suits at 165-175 pounds, Pfft, I look plain dreadful at 240 pounds! ACK!  I'll probably have to order something from LandsEnd, which, when I had gotten thinner, they didn't fit right, but for now, it's probably my best bet.  I want to start some swimming to get back into fitness and probably some water aerobics - especially as I'm still bothered by some injuries.

In a nutshell, shopping for clothes was painful and not a pleasant experience. Soon, hopefully by the end of this summer, I can start to wear some of my bigger saved clothes and do what is commonly called "closet shopping." I have some lovely clothes - once I can fit them again.