Thursday, August 30, 2012

Yesterday was my son's 16th birthday

How can you not look back on days like that? How could I not remember 16 years ago - the labor, the joy of holding my first born child. You remember so much of it.

I look at him now and he's nearly a man. He's about done growing. He has adult ideas and adult conversations. And while he still needs his parents for financial reasons, for the most part, he's grown.

I think back to when I was 16. How my boyfriend came to my house and brought me a rose. We had only been dating for a few weeks and it was never anything serious (as none of my relationships were until much, much later), but I remember how grown up I felt to be turning sweet 16 and having a guy like me.

How is it that I'm now almost 43 years old? How is it that while my oldest child is 16? I was 26 years old when he was born. I had been married just shy of 3 years.

As he's entering adulthood, I'm watching my body change. I'm seeing my waist become less defined with the middle age body settling in. It's now been 2 months since I've last had my period. It should have come by now (again) if I ovulated when I thought I ovulated (if I even ovulated).

To be sure, I did buy a pregnancy test to rule out the possibility of a pregnancy (even though I knew I wasn't pregnant). I've been pregnant 3 times and I knew each of the three times before I even missed my period that I was pregnant. I feel none of that now, so I knew, but I needed to be sure. Nope... it's either my thyroid messing with me or my fertile window is closing as I go through menopause.

How fast the time flies. 16 years ago I gave birth to a child that was conceived the first month we tried. Now, I'm probably infertile as that time for fertility has passed.

It is a bit sad. Even though I have no plans for any more children, it's knowing that I am truly 'too old' to have children. That I'm past the child bearing years even though so many women these days are having babies in their 40s. An era of my life is ending.

But as it's ending, I've started a new era of my life of taking care of me. I've dedicated most of my life caring for others and I've only just begun to start thinking about caring for me.

1 comment:

  1. That does sound like you're entering menopause. Though some go through it more quickly than others - I think my mother had three or four years of spottier period timing and gradually more progesterone-dominant symptoms like hot flashes and mood swings.

    Happy birthday to your son! I am sure it feels like just yesterday that he was a little squish and not a handsome, growing young man!