Days like today are times I can tell my thyroid is messed up

I simply cannot get going today. I checked my blood pressure to make sure it was ok (119/78) with resting heart rate of 59.

I am just worn out after several days of running, running, running with getting ready for Easter and then my son's birthday. Friday through Tuesday was non-stop GO!!!! And today... I'm crashed. I have no energy whatsoever and I have a disasterous kitchen - see that background? That was taken last night. It STILL looks that way. I just don't have the energy to tackle it - mentally or physically.

I have a cake to make for this weekend too... and I just don't see how I'll muster the energy right now. I know I will be then, but even thinking about it now makes me even more tired.

So, I've been trying to do some computer work instead and even that is going slow as my brain is on slo-mo today.

So... a few of you asked about photos. OK.... here are some photos of the finished violets. There are about 220 here. I could harvest thousands more, but I'm done for this year. Spent a bit over 2 hours to candy these.

Then, my son's birthday. It was an awesome birthday. I tried a new cake, but none of us liked it. It wasn't "bad", but it wasn't great either. So much for a red velvet cake done naturally (using beets instead of red dye). I used this recipe.

I gave myself leeway with my son's birthday cake. I knew he would be happy with whatever I did, so I went simple and used real toys versus making them out of fondant or gumpaste. And he was happy with how it looked. Since his birthday is on Earth Day, I had the Minions making a garden on top of the cake - a lollipop garden! Then, on the side peeps and Minions 'hiding' among them.  It was cute and simple enough.  Just wish the clean-up from cake making was simple.

Seriously, I think the mess is the #1 reason people don't make their own cakes and buy them instead. Ugh... I hate cleaning up cake mess! And this one isn't even that bad as I didn't do much decorative frosting/icing!

As far as eating went yesterday. It was "mostly" OK. I had a small piece of cake, but way too much sampling of the cream cheese frosting. Oh is that stuff DANGEROUS!  But all is good today and it wasn't "terrible" yesterday either.

Editing to Add: Well, talking about being lazy got me into gear. I just went and cleaned up the kitchen.

Yesterday was a day from H- E - Double toothpicks

Man... if a day could be classified as BAD in every way, that would be yesterday, April 21st, 2014. From not sleeping well, to having one son being grumpy and out of sorts all day to the other being a typical annoying teen to me not eat well and "on plan" like I planned to.

I'm not going to detail everything, but it is completely obvious that how well I do with eating (and exercising) is directly correlated to my mood and my well-being. I was so COMPLETELY frazzled yesterday that I told my husband I needed a stiff drink. It was that terribly bad.

My autistic son (and I hate to label him as autistic as then everyone goes and thinks Rain Man) is VERY high functioning and most of the time he's a pretty happy kid, but when he has a bad day? So does EVERYONE else. And we're not just talking about a little bit bad either, but full out fits and refusals, etc. It's purely awful when he has a bad day.

Then, I know today, my hormones were probably raging as my period started out of the blue this morning and it is out of the blue. This peri menopause has me always guessing as to when my period will come. It didn't come for 4 months and now it came 19-20 days after the last one! I tend to get moody/emotional the day before and so... it was a great mix and how did I self-medicate? I used food.

Now, I didn't go SUPER crazy, but I did eat about 1000 more calories than I should and all of those calories were simple carbs - quick sugar fixes... a drug to my body for sure. There was NO stopping myself from eating more yesterday. I tried.

This morning I knew when I woke up that it was going to be OK. I knew I would be on plan. Something was different even though I hadn't heard a peep from anyone or stepped a foot out of bed. Something in my head was different - clearer.

And, so far so good. Now let's see if cake baking will be easy to keep the munching demons at bay.
Today is my younger son's birthday. Yep, an Earth Day baby!

And with that note - remember every day is earth day and every day you should try to think about ways to reduce, reuse and recycle.  The new three Rs.

Don't worry - I'm here - Easter took over!

Saturday and Sunday were just PACKED morning till night with prepping for Easter or doing yard work (and a bit of play in the nice weather.)

I was 100% on plan on Saturday, as planned. I cooked on and off all day on Friday and Saturday. No problems with eating as the things I was cooking aren't things you can nibble on while prepping (love that kind of cooking!)

Sunday was a planned "off" day. I could eat some chocolate, Easter bread, full breakfast and dinner. And I did and thoroughly enjoyed. This year Orthodox Easter and Western Easter were the same week (Yay!). I'm not the biggest fan of having to prep for 2 Christmases and 2 Easters every year.

My tradition of Easter growing up was to dye eggs the night before Easter (a dozen per kid  - later an dozen for mom too) And then Sunday morning to find the hidden eggs and then eat our chocolate in our baskets. Breakfast and lunch were basically eggs and chocolate. There were a few years we had a bigger/fancier meal for Easter dinner, but it wasn't tradition or a "must" do.  Just like Christmas for my family was about the stockings, Santa's visit, and opening presents. Not much centered around food - like big dinners or specialty anything. Mom would often make divinity, but it wasn't a HUGE to-do with "must dos".

My mother-in-law is from Croatia, but her mom and dad were Serbian, thus Serbian Orthodox. My husband's dad was Croatian, from Croatia. His parents split up before he was born, so most of the traditions he grew up with were for Serbian holidays with a bit "for show" Croatian holidays.  They have lists a mile long of "must do" for holidays.

I grew up LOVING holidays. He grew up hating holidays. Now I get it. His mom is always sad or angry or something on the day of and there is so much ritual and so little "joy". They do because they HAVE to do.

So... for Easter. My mother-in-law's tradition is to clean the house for Easter. And, all curtains have to be taken down to be washed. Now, she just cleans her rooms and pesters me about, "is it tradition to clean everything for Easter?"

"No."

This year she decided to empty out her sweater and shirt drawers, dust the drawers and then refold them. Took her all day on Saturday and she was exhausted.

Meanwhile, on Friday I made the natural dyes for the Easter eggs. This year I made beet dye, yellow onion skin dye, tumeric dye, and blueberry dye.

I also made pereci (pear-et-see)- translated - pretzel. That's an Easter tradition to make a round pretzel for Easter. It's not even really a pretzel, but it's similar to one. It's like a pretzel meets a bagel, kind of.

On Saturday, we actually did the egg dye, which takes time as each egg has to be wrapped/tied in cheese cloth to hold the leaf in place. My son wanted leaf/flower imprints on them this year, so I went to the yard to find a variety of small leaves and flowers for that. Then you stick them in the dyes and let them sit (in the fridge) for 4-5 hours.

Meanwhile, I made us lunch and then started on the Pinca (peentsa). That's an eggy, brioche type, sort of, kind of bread that is traditional for Easter. That takes about 10 hours to make, but most of it is just sitting and waiting for it to rise. Thank goodness for modern equipment so that I don't have to do it by hand.

I had 8 egg whites left over from the pinca. I couldn't just throw them away (and I already have a dozen in the freezer), so I made a simple white cake with the egg whites for a sweet cake for the day.

I bake the ham, then slice it and then roll it up into little cigars for display. Then, of course, I need to fill all the eggs with chocolate for hiding in the yard (30). And then filling the Easter baskets. And then FINALLY, cleaning up the kitchen so that we have a nice clean space to enjoy our Easter breakfast.

Easter comes and we have breakfast first. (Well, after checking out our Easter baskets). We have the prezels, Easter bread, ham and eggs. First we do an egg fight. Like this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egg_tapping. We do both ends to see who the winner is. This year it was a tie - my younger son and I both had only one side break.  We learned one thing though. Beet dye is VERY strong. We had pink eggs for breakfast! While my younger son got dressed, I went and hid the eggs and then we all went out for the egg hunt. That's always fun.

Back in the house for a couple hours of rest and relaxation. It was enough time to do the NYTimes crossword puzzle (something my husband and I do together every day) and then it was time to get to work again.  My husband and older son went back out to work on trimming down the overgrown forsythia and trimming a few low hanging branches on trees. They did one side of the yard on Saturday. They went out to do the other side on Sunday.

I went violet harvesting as I noticed the violets are in full bloom. They will not wait for me to be ready. I have to be ready for them! They are great for cupcakes or specialty cakes with a spring theme (and 100% natural). So, after harvesting 100, I went in to candy them. Later I went out to get some wild garlic from the yard to saute for dinner.

Ah yes, dinner. We must have an Easter dinner too. It's become our tradition to have a leg of lamb for dinner. So, I got that ready to go to slowly grill for 1.5 hours. Prepped the baby potatoes, wild garlic and baby broccoli. We ate, cleaned up and finally, finally, all Easter was DONE by 7:30 Sunday evening.

We mellowed out by watching last week's episode of Cosmos. Phew.
 
I wish I had more time to relax, but I want to do more violets today and then tomorrow in my younger son's 9th birhday. He kind of wants a birthday cake. WAH!  Like I want to bake???? Or decorate at this point! Ugh... but... I have to. I'm Mom!

I need a walking buddy

I love walking for exercise. I absolutely love it. But... I don't like to do it by myself very often. I get bored. I'm not a person who likes to just be stuck in my head for an hour or more.

When my husband swims laps (that's like the most boring exercise on the planet, IMO), he says he concentrates on one less stroke per lap. Or his breathing, etc. He's totally into his movement in the water - the entire time. He enjoys it. That is where he is showing his introverted side way more than me.

I need people. It's why I blog. It's why I use Facebook and forums. I need to interact with people, especially as a stay at home mom.  Exercise is no exception. I have too much time to be in my head - especially with kids with ADHD and Autism.

When I'm starting this exercise thing back up, I'm wanting to combine the gym with walking, but when?  My husband will walk with me once around the lake in the evening, but that's not enough. I need more.

I thought about starting a meetup group for walking, but it's a bit pricey. There is a Maryland hiking group where I can put in a request. If I'm the "leader" of that particular walk, then I would be obligated to be there - that's a good thing - forcing me to do it!

Ah, that's the other thing. When it's just me, it's very easy to talk myself out of it. I can say, "Oh, I should go for a walk." I get distracted and before I know it, it's time to go do something else. Plus, the idea of it, again, bores me. Even though I love the walk, I miss the company.

I have a local friend who is willing to walk once in awhile, but not often enough to make it a commitment. (though I should probably try and see if she would commit to once a week or something). And, overall, I just hardly know anyone and it feels odd to ask a near stranger, "Hey, want to take walks with me?" I always feel like a little kid that is asking, "Will you be my friend, please?" So, I'm sort of extroverted... but not really.

So... I need to do something about it. Sigh... but what? Maybe I'll start with the hiking group to see if that works the best.

Know what else would work? A long distance walking buddy too - someone to talk to WHILE I walk. Why not? Though... finding some local buddies would be a good thing. I'm tired of being a loner here.

Treat days coming up - and I am not sure how I want to handle that

In the next couple weeks I have Easter (which is both Orthodox and Christian Easters this year). My son's 9th birthday and then a party where I am making a cake.

I am on a roll and doing very well. I'm down 7 pounds in a bit over 2 weeks (beginner's luck with me). I'm being more moderate with eating this time through. Like, the other day we grilled burgers. Last year, I would have skipped the bun and just eaten the burger and sides, but this time I let myself have the burger bun because I really wanted it and felt I would be missing something if I did. It's the only second simple carb I've had in 2 weeks, so I allowed it.

And I'm wanting to go that route so that I don't feel as deprived. I did feel terribly deprived at times the last go around. I was so focused on getting to goal, that I didn't allow myself much leeway for the entire first year until Christmas and then I went crazy and had to reel it in.

I do need to be careful as I do have a tendency for sugar issues (but even with going crazy this last time my sugars weren't terribly off).

This time, I'm wanting to enjoy the simple things, but also sticking to the plan most of the time.

In many ways Easter isn't that difficult. I didn't grow up with much eating tradition with Easter, but my husband's family did - very strictly. Basically, my mother in law cannot imagine Easter without ham and eggs for breakfast. I like ham, so fine. We can do that. For dinner, as our own family tradition, we have started having grilled lamb for dinner. Again, not something for me to worry about for the day. I'll go over in calories, but it's not something that will lead to sugar issues.

We do Easter baskets for the whole family and I got myself a few dark chocolate bars that will last me a couple months. That's easy too. I won't go crazy eating dark chocolate and I do like  a small piece for my treat almost every day.

The things on the menu for Easter that are a bit 'carby' is Pereci, but that even is mostly egg whites. That is a sweeter pretzel that you dip in your coffee.

Then there is the traditional Easter bread which is more like a denser brioche. Again, not really Easter without those two things.

Two days later it's my younger son's birthday. Of course I have to make him a cake. He wants a Minions cake. I first thought of making him minions out of gumpaste, but I figured he would rather play with them then look at them and throw them away. I'll make something using these figures.

A few days after that I am making a cake for another party. And that party I'm sure I'll eat more than normally and will want a piece of cake.

A week after that and it's Mother's Day - thank goodness we don't do food things for Mother's Day.

Problem will be with the Pereci and the crnica bread is that I will want more than one. I have to somehow make the batches smaller so that there aren't many leftovers to tempt me. It's much easier when we go somewhere and there isn't the temptation or ability even to take more than one piece!

But... I think I'll be OK. Motivation is really high right now, so jumping back on program shouldn't be difficult.

My Mother's day gifts (will arrive early)

Yep, I did it. I ordered BOTH the Withings scale and blood pressure monitor. I got the scale new, but on sale  (as you can't find them used) and got the monitor used. I will check the BP monitor against my mother in law's monitor which was just checked against the doctor's monitor to be sure it's accurate, but for $50 shipped, it's a good deal.

How many people get a scale or even WANT a scale for Mother's Day? I might be one of the very, very few.

Which ironically, came up when I asked the person selling the blood pressure monitor. I asked him the condition and why he was selling it. His response cracked me up:

No damage...works as new. Just don't use it. I'm not really all that health conscious. My wife thought I would like to track my blood pressure. I asked her if I should buy her a scale. Enough said.

Well, here I wanted a scale for a gift, but how would I have reacted if my husband just bought one for me without asking? I probably wouldn't like it. Especially since I wanted a specific one. And I would definitely balk if it was something as a "hint". If you know what I mean.

So... my new gizmos will be arriving soon. As well as the larger strap to the BodyMedia Fit Core. They were having a sale on bands, so for $10 shipped it was worth getting especially since I'm paying membership and should USE it!

Within the week I should be using my new gizmos and sharing my new tracking methods. Now it's just time to stalk the mail carrier and deliverymen.

On actual Mother's Day my husband is giving a talk at our Ethical Society (where I am Sunday School Director) and I'll be organizing things for Mother's Day there. We also NEVER go out to eat on Mother's day as it's a zoo. While I don't like to cook on my birthday or Mother's Day, I also don't like waiting in lines and getting terrible service just because it's a "day" everyone celebrates. So, Mother's Day, as always, will be extremely low key. These gifts to myself will be the bulk of it - and that's perfectly fine!

A few more realizations - none of them feel good, but will lead to good

While I am on track and feeling good, I am also trying to sort out how and why I got derailed. I'm trying to keep my mind in a positive mind-set which isn't that hard as I'm an optimist by nature, but I did discover a couple of things that were bummers.

First, yesterday I got to thinking about where my weight loss start was last time and where it is this time. I know my all time high was 275, but I had dropped and gained, but held stead at 265 for several years (a set point). Well, I thought I had STARTED at 265 last time. No.... I had totally forgotten that I had lost ten pounds and kept it off for a year after we moved from Virginia to Maryland. My journey had started last time at 255 pounds - not the 265 I had thought.

Which means, I had regained ALL but 14 pounds over an 18 month time period!

The weight fell off the first time for the first few months. It's not falling off this time. It's coming off yes, but it's much, much slower.

That is sort of tied to realization #2. I was just lamenting my new weight loss pattern on a weight loss forum. The last time I was losing weight my weight loss followed my menstrual cycle. I would gain as ovulation neared, and lose for about a week a few days following ovulation. Same pattern month after month without fail.

Well, I'm full in perimenopause now and my cycles are irregular. I have had maybe four cycles in the last year. And my weight loss is less predictable. And it's way, way, way slower. Wish I would have been more in the know that perimenopause tends to be one of the most difficult times to lose weight as the hormones are all over the place. And, with my hormones all over the place, it could have been a contributing factor to my depression.

I had several whammies - perimenopause - can cause depression. Seasonal Affect Disorder - causes seasonal depression. I stopped taking my thyroid medicine in the late summer/early fall - low thyroid function can cause depression. AND, I was dealing with a lot of injuries which kept me from the gym more often that I liked, and since exercise is a mood lifter, THAT was leading me to have more unhappiness too.

And for awhile, actually, there was a fifth contributing factor, I was gaining or was stuck at the same weight while eating 1500 calories a day - and I was still hungry. If I didn't exercise, I was stuck. And that was extremely frustrating. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I would face a lifetime of hunger at 1500 calories. If I ate more, I gained. That entire year after my initial weight loss was a slow struggle, but still going slightly up... and then I just "lost it" and gave in temporarily.  The saying of, "more food doesn't taste as good as thin feels" left me. Food definitely tasted better than thin felt for many, many months as I used it as my only comfort.

And then the sixth contributing factor - seeing my husband's disappointment in me. Seeing how our relationship changed (and is still changed). I don't like to disappoint people, especially people I love. So, seeing he had lost his faith in me. Seeing he was disappointed in me and not attracted to me hurt a lot too... which also added to the depression.

So, I am getting a better understanding of why I went into a deep depression - it wasn't unexplainable. I get it now.

And, now I'm beginning to understand why losing weight the last couple of years has been especially difficult - I'm dealing with menopause stuff at the same time and this time tends to be the roughest time for weight loss (which makes sense as when do most women gain weight? During menopause!)

With the new information, I know more what to look for and how to keep my head in a better place. Knowledge is power. If this weight loss is super slow, it's super slow. It's not a race. It's about making it lifelong. if it takes me twice as long as last time, it does. It says nothing about me or my value as a person. It's about getting healthier forever.