Thursday, September 5, 2013

Unfortunately, it can be assumed when I'm away, it's not good.

I try to be very honest and transparent on my blog because I think that is important. Too often in the world we just show the face we want people to see and not what is the reality.  And as I've said before, that doesn't work with weight. We wear our weight. It's visible to everyone, so it is obvious to everyone that we are struggling with something.

I was convinced I would be able to keep the weight off and not regain. I had learned what worked. I learned what my triggers were. I had figured myself out. What I didn't know would happen was that I would fall into a depression.  And like other times I've fallen into a depression, it's only when I'm out of it that I can see it.

So, for a few months I simply didn't care. The thought of skinny feels better than food tastes left me. For awhile, I was able to keep up the exercise at least while my eating was a mess, but then with more injuries, I totally fell apart.  All bad habits crept back in and I gained weight quickly.

And then as I saw the weight piling on, it made me feel worse, etc.  Depression is such an awful thing and I run into it every few years.  I can probably name the triggers - job ending in a weird way, rapid weight gain whenever a little break happened, no new job prospects, winter doldrums, injuries making me feel bad and slowing me up, not knowing what I want to do for career, and who knows what else. But.... For the most part my life was great!  Yet, something pulled me down.

I look now, out of it, and realize I was truly stuck. I did nothing all summer long. I had all these plans for finishing decorating the house, going to museums with the kids, college planning and visits with my oldest, etc. Instead I spun my wheels. I started many things, but didn't finish anything.

I think what finally got me out of it was cooking. I found a way to cook that didn't involve eating. I canned. I canned tomatoes, pickles, jams, apple butter. My husband thought I was nuts, but it woke me up. I was able to be creative without being tempted to eat the creations.  Then one day, I realized I didn't want to grab Oreos or white bread (stuff like that is always in the house). I wanted to get back to the gym. I wanted to ride my bike.  I wanted to start caring abut my body again.

So... For everyone who looked toward me as "she can do it". "She will be and stay successful."  Well, it didn't turn out that way.

I have no idea what my weight is, but I gained a lot. I don't want to step on the scale until I am well under way with good habits again. Right now it's all about re-establishing the  good habits again.

I had forewarned my husband that it would be a life long battle, but I got him really worried and sad... Which of course made me sad and more depressed.  It's such a vicious, vicious circle. Depression sucks and it sneaks up so slowly, that you are unaware.  I guess I'm lucky that it is rare for me and short lived, but I wish I could avoid it all together!

So, I am back. Admitting problems is the true sign that I am back. I am not expecting any miracle fast diet. I'll take it slow and steady like before and hope that next time I run into stumbling blocks, that I will handle it better.

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