4 months into this reboot

Hello everyone. I am here and I am still with the program, just that work has been super hectic as I totally redid my office, redid all our storage needs for work, etc. It's all good, but it just means I have like zero free time.

I'm still with the program and it's still super easy. With being so busy with physical work at my office job this past week or so, I've also had a lot more movement to my day which is great!

But, my update of 4 months into this reboot. As you recall, I had virtually a zero loss for last month which was surprising as I had been working so hard, but this month I made up for it as all that water I was holding last month was shed quickly as soon as the month rolled over.

Here is how this weight loss compares to a few years ago:



Do you see that HUGE jump from last month to this month???? That's 14.4 pounds. If I were to add in today's weight (which I won't as that counts towards next month, it would be 15.3 pounds). Basically now I'm eyeing that 50 pounds lost as a new mini goal. I should get there this month for sure and probably more.

Treadmill is set to arrive on Monday. Desk for the treadmill will arrive some time next week (the pope being in DC will probably hold that up for a few days). All the peripherals for the set up are sitting in boxes in my office, just waiting to be unpacked and put to use. Yay!!!

Now, off to run errands for work. One more hard, long day and things should settle down a LOT.

Dear fat people thoughts

So, yes, fat shaming is a thing and it's a horrible thing. That's like shaming someone who is suicidal. Or shaming someone who has a drug addiction. Wait... isn't it OK to shame that person? Well ask yourself, do you think that most people get addicted to drugs because they are just bad people or stupid? People who seek drugs to fix problems have mental disorders or chemical imbalances and they use the drugs to self-medicate In a way, food issues are similar. People need to understand that people metabolize food differently, etc. Some of us are more prone to gaining weight than others. Some of us are more likely to have mental battles with food than others and that is chemical related - quite literally the brain telling you to eat sugar (especially) when you don't need it.

In my experience, for me, and for me only can I speak for. I feel I'm most like a drug addict. And I can control my addiction or give into my addiction. Controlling my addiction helps me have better health, better relationships, better mental health, but those temptations are not just temptations, they are chemical wirings in my brain that speak to me to eat  bad things short term that will, in the end, make me feel worse long term. My body is only worrying about short term "feel good" fixes... like a drug. That sugar will boost my spirit, my energy, my mood... for an hour or two... then I need another hit which then leads to this sugar high and crash and leads to all sorts of "icky" lethargic feels, depression, and serious health effects - high blood pressure, blood sugar issues, heart disease, achey joints, etc.

So, my goal is to control my addiction by not feeding into my addiction. I need to monitor my sugar intake so that I can control those "voices" that are brain chemicals telling me I need to eat more sugars. I try to get good sleep and to keep stress low as controlling those factors help me make better decisions. But like all addicts, it's a tightrope walk. I managed for a year, slipped a few months, managed for a few months, slipped for almost a year... and now I'm managing again - always learning new ways to help me deal with my sugar addiction which led to obesity.

And while I say I can only speak for myself, I know I am not alone in this addiction and more and more research is supporting this understanding of why so many of us have a hard time with losing weight and keeping it off. And sugar is everywhere, so managing to constantly say no to the ice cream, cakes, cookies, breads, rice, potatoes, pastas, etc. Is very difficult. And while a non-addict can have a bit meal (or a swig of alcohol) and not feel tempted to have more and more. An addict never knows where the tipping point of when is too much that will lead to a complete falling off the wagon. Do you need to think about that when you eat a small slice of cake or a plate of pasta? I do, every. single. time. Now imagine how hard that is.

So, this new video that is viral about fat shaming is a difficult one for me. If you haven't seen it, here it is:

The comedian is crass, but so are many. That's not my style, but it has it's audience. And I have to say in the beginning, it's not crude, mean, fat shaming. "You are killing yourself" (True). "You are robbing your family from you by not being healthy." (True). Try to make better decisions. (True - though can be hard). It sounds a bit like she shows true concern for the well-being of an obese person (or at least I saw it that way). Later, it devolves into fat shaming - 100%.

As a fat person most of my life, I see how my fatness affects my loved ones. It's not the fat itself, but how it makes me as a person - moodier, tired, depressive, unable to take part in things, etc. And when I'm deep in the throws of the sugar addiction, even when I KNOW how it's affecting my family and my own self, I do not have the power to snap out of it. Shaming me on that makes it even harder for me to get out of those woes.  Loving concern does help.

That is where I have a hard time with the line of what is fat shaming and what is trying to help someone who is struggling with a food addiction.

Yes, 100% that a person has value, all of his or her value as a fat person as a thinner person. BUT... enabling an addict is not helpful. Shaming an addict isn't helpful.

What we need is understanding. Even many fat people don't have understanding or many formerly fat people. I know MANY thin people who used to be fat and some of them think fat people are lazy - all of them. Because now they can say. "I was fat. I got off my butt and started working out. I stopped stuffing my face. So can you." While this is true, it's forgetting how those mental battles work. And, it's assuming that every fat person is the same. We are not. I know why I'm fat and why I struggle. I can speak for me and me alone and even with saying that, it's hard for me to not pass judgement too. It's hard for me to watch people I care about dying slowly by not taking care of their body because that is/was me too.

So, let me say, I do not try to fat shame - now or ever. But I also have a hard time saying, "it's okay to not care about our bodies." I would want a drug addict to kick their addiction, so I would want a food addict to kick his/her addiction. But shaming them won't help. But enabling them to keep destroying their health isn't helping them either. So what do we do?

Empathize. Understand. Trying not to judge. Try not to make assumptions. Forgive.

Self-love is important and crucial. So, I understand the movement to allow and encourage even the extremely obese to show love for themselves and their bodies. My hope is showing that self-love will lead to self-healing and to taking better care of the body (which may or may not lead to weight loss) And why? Because even as this awful video said, "We only get one body."

And what I also don't want to happen (as a backlash to all the fat shaming) is to have people shame or put down obese people who are trying to lose weight (for whatever reason they are doing it). And that is happening! People shaming Melissa McCarthy for giving into the media's fat shaming and trimming down. It's her body!!! Who said she is trimming down to stop the ridicule? She is doing it for HER REASONS! (and as a former Melissa McCall - I would have been proud if ever someone accidentally called me her name instead).

I don't want people thinking I'm giving into the thin is best motto or giving in to fat shaming.  I'm dropping weight and eating healthier and moving more for my health and my mood and for my family because Melissa as a fat person is unhealthy, unhappy, depressed, and not overly nice person to be around. And it's not because I feel the world is shaming me. It's because of the brain chemicals that get messed up by too much sugar in my brain make fat, sugar hopped up Melissa.

My goal is to be healthy for me and for my family. I think that is what we all should be aiming for - our best health  - no matter the size and I think we need to stop ourselves from passing judgment and try to have better understanding of everyone's life struggles - period.

FINALLY ORDERED IT!!!

I finally decided on and ordered the treadmill and desk that I had planned on - and a better keyboard and better mouse and an ergonomic stool/chair. I will be set to be more ergonomically positioned when I sit and to be up on my feet and moving more and more of the day. Yay!!!!

So... after a lot of back and forth, this is what I went with.  I got an uplift scratch and dent bamboo desk that is the exact same size desk of what I have now (and it will live in the exact same spot in my office). Getting a scratch and dent allowed me to get a wood desk at a laminate desk price (saving me over $500). It looks like this:

And while walking, it will look something like this:

Except that I will use a monitor arm to get my monitor up at eye level so I'm not looking down.

Since my office space is fairly small, maximizing space is key. I will be doing with this guy does:

I will sit on the treadmill at the desk. I will stand on the treadmill at the desk, and I will walk on the treadmill at the desk. This man actually bought a desk wide enough to sit and stand but found it was more work to adjust the monitor(s), keyboard, etc than it was to just move the matt and stool.

I'm even getting the same ergonomic stool (That works the core), but in red fabric:

Lastly, I got an ergonomic keyboard and ergonomic mouse. Both bluetooth wireless so I can switch between my laptop and work computer easily and quickly (and ergonomically)

Cost the same as a pretty nice vacation, but it should last for years and should improve my mood and most definitely improve my health.

Now, it's just getting my office all together before the stuff arrives! Next is a trip to IKEA to get all the Kallax units to create storage for work (which I just removed from another area of the building).

Maybe I'll give a tour when it's all done!

Oh, and I'm chugging along with losing more weight and getting more movement. Down 45 pounds... my 4 month reboot-versary will be soon and we'll see where the weight loss ends up for the month.

I hate having BMI stuff shoved down my throat!

Once a week the app I use (Mynetdiary)  to track foods, exercise, and weight gives me a little "congrats!" notice. Last night this popped up:

Sure, it was great to see I've lost 6.6 pounds this past week after not losing hardly anything in over a month (water weight anyone!?!?!). And I'm ok with it showing how much farther it is for me to get to my goal - another 51 pounds basically. (today it is under 50 pounds to go!!!) What I'm not cool with is it telling me that I need to lose another 66.8 pounds to be within the BMI range that is considered normal for me.

It was trying to attain that normal status a few years ago, as I was close, but not quite there, that led to so much frustration. I was pushing so hard. I was doing super intense workouts. I was counting every single calorie that passed my lips. And I still wasn't there. I was going for a "athletic" goal for body fat percentage (25% or lower). I was so close! I was at 26%. I was working so extremely hard to achieve the unattainable goal. I got to my initial "goal" in 12 months and lost 90 pounds. It took me 7 more months to lose 6 more pounds and I was still 4 pounds shy of my new goal before my body succumbed to several injuries due to overuse.  It was 6 months of constant, intense workouts (6 days a week) and watching every morsel for 6 lousy pounds. And I was hungry all the freaking time. Every day was this intense mental battle to not consume more calories because every extra bit of food would mean it would take that much longer to get to my goal. BUT according to this app I was still 11 pounds over my "normal" top weight I should be. Grrrr....

Now, I do want to be more fit and I do want to push myself, but reminding me of an unattainable BMI for me is just cruel. That, and it's mean to say my goal isn't good enough. Isn't my goal of being healthy and fit and just a bit over the ideal BMI far, far better than being 100 pounds overweight? Do I need to reach perfection to be considered "OK"? That is ridiculous!!! Of course I don't!!!

So, I'm ignoring normal BMI as much as I can. I'm trying to put it out of my head. Then I get these weekly reminders that I have to lose this much more to get to a normal bmi. Well screw you Mynetdiary!!! (And I will be writing to the company). I love your app for everything else, but this sucks!!!

Still here - still chugging along

And slowly chugging is what it has been. I knew it would finally have to finally go down as I was doing everything right, but... hormones were messing with me.

I "think" what happened is that my body was gearing up for an ovulation and then it didn't happen, so it went down a bit and then stalled. Then a few days ago I noticed sure signs of ovulation again and sure enough, 2 days later I lost a pound, then next day two pounds, and then 2 pounds the day after. Over 5 pounds flushed away in 3 days. After bouncing around the same 3-4 pounds for over a month. I was frustrated, but I didn't give up and now that struggle is paying off! Woohoo!

So... at 3.5 months into this I've lost 40 pounds.  Which means I'm also back to the weight I was a year ago... before I went crazy and gained all that weight over the fall, winter, and early spring.

Woohoo! I still have a long way to go, but it's still easy and that helps!

I've also started adding in movement every day since a few days ago. I've been adding in a bit little by little, but now I'm ready to make it a goal to do something every day. And to help with that tomorrow I'm ordering my walking treadmill and desk.

Now that was another big struggle - which to get? I finally opted to get the true walking treadmill once I figured out that the running treadmill desk couldn't lower to normal desk height, which would necessitate standing or leaning all day and that just isn't going to happen! So... tomorrow is the big day to spend some big bucks!