Monday, April 15, 2013

As I'm back on track and finding a groove, I am being more forgiving to myself

I was very unhappy with myself for this fall's 'hiatus'. Then, I wasn't too happy with myself for having such a difficult time this winter, well, mostly just March - all of March. I really can beat myself up mentally pretty good.

But today, after a good night of sleep and a very nice, though simple, weekend, I realized. "Melissa, you have still done something most people never do. You lost a LOT of weight and you've managed to keep most of it off for over a year."

And it is true. I have kept off all but 10 pounds of the weight that I lost in 2011. 2012 was a year of Yo-yoing 20 pounds, and so far in 2013 it's been a slow but steady going back down. I have nothing to be ashamed about. I was wearing a tight size 20. I had gotten down to an 8-10 and I'm currently in a 10. More than the weight, I'm active and working on fitness and in all that time, the entire time, I never quit exercising. Sure, there were times I was doing bare minimum (this past fall) and there were times I switched up what I was doing, but I was always active as I made it a priority. Again, how many people do that?

So, today, anyway, I'm allowing myself to be proud of myself for holding on and persevering and doing what the majority are not able to do - keep the weight off and to keep being physically active.

Can I do better? Heck yes. I'm not all "Melissa you are perfect." It's more, "Hey, Melissa stop being so hard on yourself. You've done a good job. Now just keep at it."

Sunday was a rest day. I had to be at a meeting at 10 am (an hour drive to get there), Then Sunday School from 11-12:30, then a potluck parent meeting from 1:30 to 4:30, then the hour drive home. Then I made dinner (I was fuming a bit that no on ate home at least STARTED to make something for dinner. At home was 77 year old mother in law, 46 year old husband and 16 year old son). Grrr.. Had dinner, cleaned up. Hung out with the little guy for a bit (after his bath as he fell in the creek earlier in the day) and then from 10 to 11:30 pm my husband and I watched a Woody Allen movie (Play it Again, Sam).

Basically, yesterday there was between 7 pm and 9 pm that I wasn't 'doing' something. So, good thing it was a planned rest day.

And, today, I just realized (as it's tax day, so how can I forget), it would be my father's 63rd birthday. He's been gone for over 20 years. Now I have no sadness about my dad. He left us when I was 9 for the most part and for good when I was 11. And when he was around when I was a kid, it wasn't good. My life was much better with him out of it. His death, when he was 42 and I was 22 (almost 23) was a shock of "he's so young" and mixture of unresolved issues that would have to stay unresolved.

I've 'forgiven' and moved on long ago. He didn't know how to be a dad. He didn't try to be an ass. And I don't even think he really intentionally abandoned us kids, just that he didn't know how to form any kind of relationship. He wasn't dumb. Just helpless.

Anyway... I've already outlived him and hope to outlive what would be his age if he were alive now (63). I'm on the right track, so there's at least that.

Tonight's health plan - weights...


  1. Melissa - good for you on learning to give yourself a break! Something I am working on, too!! And my father also died at age 42 - his birthday passed in March.


    1. I'm sorry you lost your dad at such a young age Jen. the year I turned 42 really messed with my head, especially as I learned about all these health problems just before I was turning 41.

      And yes, we are our own worst enemies - always.

  2. Good for you Melissa. I find your blog very insightful and inspiring (yours too, Jen).

    Knowing that about both of your fathers' passing away at 42 makes me feel both frightened and optimistic about myself and my wife and kids. Optimistic because I've started down (and will stay on) the path to health and life-long fitness, but also frightened since I worry that I sometimes think the damage I must have already done makes it too late for me, and I may just be buying myself a couple of extra years.

    1. I don't think there is such thing as too late, honestly. My dad was a heavy smoker and had a terrible diet, but he didn't have a history of being overweight. He died of a heart attack and heart problems run the family.

      If he had stopped smoking, or eaten better, he could have lived a lot longer, but how much longer? No one knows. It wouldn't have change my relationship with him as I didn't have a relationship, but his early death SHOULD have had a bigger impact on how I led my own life. I guess I felt that since I didn't smoke and for the "most" part I ate a fairly good diet (kind of sort of), that his problems wouldn't be my problems. Well, no, they weren't, but I created my own problems!

      For what it is worth - my health was in a very, very bad spot and there is no liver damage. No kidney damage and my ticker seems to be doing great (quick recovery from exertion, etc). Now I'll just keep giving my body a break by taking CARE OF IT!