Size astonishment

Today I am wearing a skirt and shirt I have not been able to wear for 6 years. I found them in my closet during my closet shopping spree the other day. They have been packed away in a storage container all this time. I meant to finally ditch these containers last winter, but didn't get to them before the end of year purge I was doing in the house. Now I'm super glad I didn't get to them as I have a whole wardrobe to choose from as I continue to inch my way down. I need to get some more in between clothes, but found quite a few things.

One skirt I found was a favorite. I probably didn't ditch it even though I know it had gotten to loose to wear because it was a favorite. It was a "Melissa thing" as I like to call them. It's skirt that fits my personality. I remember loving this skirt and I remember dropping more weight back then so that this was too loose. That's why I can wear it again as it was an in between size. It feels more thrilling to wear it again, because I had all but given up hope that I would ever have control over my sugar demons again enough to drop a significant amount of weight.

I just looked some more through the clothes for current season items. I had skipped over somethings in my initial search as I didn't expect any larges to fit. I was a 2X. How can a large fit me? Well, after doing some local shopping to replace a few shirts, I had to change my plan. I was finding that several shirts I thought would fit as large were too loose. I exchanged them as larges to find many of them fit. I had gotten a lot smaller than I realized!

So, shopping closet shopping round 2. Now, a LOT of the things in this closet are too small for me and might always be. I had gotten to my lowest adult weight ever and my fittest ever with working out intensely 6 days a week. I could not maintain it. My goal now is to be healthy and to eat for what I feel I can sustain for eating. What I did last time was great in many ways as I learned so much about my needs for eating, etc., but I lost my ability to be moderate and in the end, that was devastating.

This is all about health for me, but sugar addiction is fierce. If I need to weigh than what doctors say is ideal for my body, it is better to weigh more and to be able to keep my sugar demons in check. It is better to be able to keep the level of activity sustainable. 

I got so unbelievably frustrated when I was so close to my artificially created goals and got sideswiped by several overuse injuries. It took me some hard knocks, but I while I feel fitness is important - that it's not about just the weight on the scale, there is also a level that causes physical harm and takes a mental toll trying to keep up with it. New goal is to live an active lifestyle. That means walking, biking, hiking, etc. I just need to keep moving and that will have to be good enough for fitness as doing anything more than that is not maintainable for me. Not now and maybe not ever.

Right now I'm able to deal with the demons quite easily because I'm taking metformin which is suppressing my appetite. As my sugar levels regulate even more, allowing my weight to approach a healthy level, I will probably be told to stop taking metformin. That or my body will adjust to it. This ease of weight loss and sugar control is a huge gift to my health right now. I don't want to have to battle this again to this degree.

Here's hoping I learned some new skills to controlling sugar and if I find I'm stuggling again to seek medical help immediately. I was trying to beat these demons by will power. I can't. My body just can't deal with the extra weight and remain healthy. So, seeking help when needed with either antidepressants or whatever they recommend is what I need to do.

So... some photos. Like aways, these are raw, non glamour shots.First the skirt and top I can now fit comfortably. Second the biking shirt. As you can see, still new with tags. I got it, loved it, but then gained weight. It's snug (as all biking shirts are snug), but it is wearable! I guess I didn't completely too away the $70 I paid for this. Ironically, it doesn't go too shabbily with this skirt.

3 months post stroke

I write so sporadically that it hardly makes sense to write, but once in awhile I just need to open up and let it out. Now is one of those times.

Writing is a difficulty for me right now with a stroke. My brain wants to go at two speeds and it's not good at letting me know when I'm going too fast! What happens is that one side of my brain says, "what stroke? Just write dammit!" The other side of my brain says, "Woah, woah, woah, hold up. Did you hear me? Dude. Seriously, slow down! No? OK, I'll skip a word here and jumble this here," etc.

That this is the main problem I'm having. With some apps, I can catch most of my writing errors. It slows me down a bit, but I'll get used to this new routine.

What I wanted to comment on though was these phases of healing. First, I was in a sort of denial. I knew it happened but was too raw to think about it. I just wanted to be able to think properly and to read. Then, as that was getting better, it was the feeling of despair, terror, hope, anger and so on. I would cycle through dozens of emotions a day. I had many days I just wanted to die. I wished I had died during the stroke. I didn't want to live this new reality. And, honestly, if I knew of a way to die where I wouldn't have burdened Sven and my kids, I would have planned for it. I did not want to be a diminished me.

It has now been 13 weeks and my head is in a much better space as I can see a diminished me still has value, but I still cycle through tremendous emotions. So much of my world is completely the same. I can now drive, go to work, teach Henry, make meals, etc. But I'm not the same me and I never will be.

It isn't like an illness where I will get better. I have forever damaged my brain. It will never be the same. Sure, I will improve and I will probably forget a life of the old me, but this isn't a scar that will fade. It's not just a mark. Part of my brain has died. That has changed me forever and since this is not how my brain was laid out or circuited to run, it can get better and make new connections, but it will never be as good as it was before. And that is the part that I'm having to deal with now. How do I say to myself, "this new me is good enough" when I constantly sense that I'm not as good as the old me in any way.

That is the part that I am having a hard time with now. I'm working, I'm driving. I'm being a fully active participant in my life, but I am mourning the Melissa I was.

And then I am sad because I knew I was mistreating myself too... and I couldn't break free from the cycle of my own self-abuse until I severely damaged myself. And the reality right now I'm also dealing with, is that maybe by damaging myself so severely, perhaps I save myself from an even worse reality.

I know I'm not unique in that. I think that is why I get so deeply saddened at hearing about celebrity suicides, drinking, etc. We all are trying to cope with the world and while I don't think it's easy for anyone, I think some of us got dealt a more difficult hand.

And then I sound to myself like a wuss. But I am pleading mercy. Yes, some people have harder lives than I do, but I'm doing the best I can and obviously, sometimes I have a very hard time dealing with life.

I am not feeling that right now. Right now I'm feeling, "Melissa, why did you neglect your health?" Look at you now? I've lost a not of weight in a few months, you are exercising regularly, you feel good. You are happy and content most of the time. How were you so low?  I've had these episodes my whole life. I can hope I'll never be there again, that hasn't been my reality.