Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Starting again... and not in a good place

I am not going to to into all the details now - that time will come, but I decided to continue with this blog as it's the whole story. There are lots of gaps, but this whole journey of trying to be fitter and living healthier is here... me trying to fight my demons over and over again.

And I'm emotionally tired.  My fear is that I will die prematurely from these demons as I cannot keep it all under control.

There is literally only one more avenue I can think of that even has a glimmer of hope for me for finding longer success in beating these demons and that is using antidepressants for my seasonal affect disorder. I'm pretty sure I need them now too as I'm miserable. I am NOT dealing well with the new world I find myself in. I can find no joy in nearly anything. I can't eat what I want. I don't even want to eat anything as the food is making me hate even thinking about food. I'm trapped at home or on my bike. My life goes between therapy appointments for my stroke and home. I don't ever recall feeling this low for this long. My life is  cleaning cat vomit or poop, teaching my son some units of English or Geography and avoiding my mother in law whenever she is home. And my my patience for ANYTHING right now is zilch. And because I'm not myself and gloomy and miserable, no one wants to be around me, so I'm more lonely and miserable.


  1. I do not know you at all, I just happened upon your post. I wrote something similar many years ago. Two blogger friends told me I needed to be seen. And I did, I talked to my husband and made calls that day. My insurance helped me find a therapist. And she and my GP were adament that a psychiatrist get me on the right meds. And that is why I am leaving you this note. Psychiatrists are the best ones to get diagnosis and meds correct. What I thought I needed, is not what ended up being what worked for me. I needed entirely different meds. I am still with my therapist. I have check ins with my psychiatrist 3-4 times a year. My anxiety and depression are so much better. And I sleep!

  2. Thank you so much for leaving a note. I've found low levels of depression on and off my whole life, but this is a WHOLE 'nother area. I had a stroke. I'm young. I have to change my diet even more and KNOWN in my family gets it as thank goodness, I'm in only person who has the sugar issues I do AND the weight issues and the.... keep on listing... I see my doctor on Friday. I will also talk to my husband. I hate spending the money for not, but I REALLY need this as I see this spiraling.