Starting again... and not in a good place

I am not going to to into all the details now - that time will come, but I decided to continue with this blog as it's the whole story. There are lots of gaps, but this whole journey of trying to be fitter and living healthier is here... me trying to fight my demons over and over again.

And I'm emotionally tired.  My fear is that I will die prematurely from these demons as I cannot keep it all under control.

There is literally only one more avenue I can think of that even has a glimmer of hope for me for finding longer success in beating these demons and that is using antidepressants for my seasonal affect disorder. I'm pretty sure I need them now too as I'm miserable. I am NOT dealing well with the new world I find myself in. I can find no joy in nearly anything. I can't eat what I want. I don't even want to eat anything as the food is making me hate even thinking about food. I'm trapped at home or on my bike. My life goes between therapy appointments for my stroke and home. I don't ever recall feeling this low for this long. My life is  cleaning cat vomit or poop, teaching my son some units of English or Geography and avoiding my mother in law whenever she is home. And my my patience for ANYTHING right now is zilch. And because I'm not myself and gloomy and miserable, no one wants to be around me, so I'm more lonely and miserable.

How I know my head is currently in a good place

I don't want to go into specifics as it's not my place as it's not my situation directly, but a family member has been really struggling this year. When that struggle started mid-year, "I" was not in a good place, so when I became cognizant of their struggles, it brought me even lower. I helped this person and put them first, but it dug me in deeper for my own struggles.

Now, in late spring when I'm no longer in this deep fog of "downness", I handled this same person's new "bad news" much more constructively for myself. I am helping them, AND still taking care of myself. I don't have to give up one to do the other as I have the energy and brain health to help support more than just me right now. Last winter? I gave up supporting me to support everyone else. That's not a healthy mix, but it is a good learning experience for me.

I still have to figure out how not to get down again this fall/winter, but at least I'm becoming more aware of it's impact and in realizing I need to tackle it head on and try to mitigate most of the damage to myself.

Anyway... self reflection time... I'm still learning and hopefully learning enough about myself to stop this destructive, repeating cycle I've found myself in. 

Weight loss reboot: 5/18/15
Down 16 pounds

Seratonin and Carbs - How did I Miss the Connection?

A couple days ago on a forum post someone wrote this:

This what I've learned from my Neurophysiology class. This is a very simplistic explanation for some very complex processes. 

If you've had a lot stress, depression, or anxiety it can result in you gaining a lot weight. For a lot of people stress leads to stress eating and usually those are carbs because carbs are needed to help tryptophan get into your brain. Tryptophan breaks down into 5-HTP which then increases serotonin levels which help regulate mood. But carbs also tend to come with a lot of calories. 

I read that and thought, huh... let me look up some more. And then I found TONS of stuff. I found this on webmd: http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/craving-carbs. Hmmm...

And then this abstract: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8697046 and then this: http://www.livestrong.com/article/458140-do-carbohydrates-raise-serotonin-dopamine/ and even more articles.

What I finally concluded about myself recently, that I'm using carbs as medication is spot on with this research and findings. Below is some of my life history and when I've gained weight.

I gain weight or fall off the dieting wagon EVERY winter of 8 winters I've tried to lose weight save two and ONE of those times it was only partially successful as I did go off plan and go carb crazy for a month and gained 20 pounds in that month! At that point, I was kin to Cookie Monster for real!

I have gained weight EVERY SINGLE TIME I have started a new job -without exception: 1995, 1997, 1999, 2001, 2014. Why? probably stress of new job and adapting to new habits with life that naturally follows a new job - especially if it involves a move (many of them) and in this last case, going from part-time working, mostly stay at home mom, to a full time working mom. I use carbs to boost my seratonin levels then too.

I also KNOW I depend on carbs, as I have done it in the past, when I had super late nights at work. My go to for a while at work past midnight was a can of Mountain Dew and a Snickers bar. That would keep me going for a couple more hours. Caffeine and carbs!

So, here I am on a low carb diet which is good for my blood sugar, good for my cholesterol levels, and good for more overall feeling of good health as I am terribly carb sensitive, BUT it lowers my seratonin levels which then creates carb cravings - especially in the darker months of the year. I actually DON'T eat super low carb, just much lower than the average person. Add in Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) and I am truly depressed in winter and I crave carbs - lots of carbs and then I start eating them and then I'm out of control.  So, SAD already makes me depressed, but throw in the low carb diet and I'm making that even worse!  I need to figure that out to break that cycle!

There are a couple things I could do - I could go on a higher carb diet, but I have done that before with Weight Watchers years ago and still got derailed come winter. I remember making tons of apple crisp in the late fall and then completely giving up as I got so tired that exercising in the mornings became torture, and then that stalled the weight loss and then I went crazy on carb heavy foods by January. After that incident, I gave up trying to control my weight for over a decade - it was that demoralizing and I felt so self-defeated as I didn't understand how I was doing so well and then totally derailed and ended up heavier than when I started (which also included a job change).

Now, I could try to up my carb intake with healthier carbs in winter with more fruit (apples) and healthy grains, but I think I need to accept and realize that I need an antidepressant to get me through the dark months. Once mid April hits, I'm usually OK and good to go until October. AND, I need to be faithful about using my SAD therapy light in the mornings.

So, a 3 pronged approach? Slow weight loss and increase calories by upping slower burning carbs in winter, take an antidepressant and use the SAD light. If that combo doesn't work, I'm out of ideas and honestly, that might make me feel hopeless! Oh, and add in (keep) exercise as that too is a mood lifter - so a four prong approach.

But seriously, how did I not ever notice or take note of carbs and depression before when it's so obvious for me that when I'm depressed I crave and give into carbs in a HUGE way?

A few more realizations - none of them feel good, but will lead to good

While I am on track and feeling good, I am also trying to sort out how and why I got derailed. I'm trying to keep my mind in a positive mind-set which isn't that hard as I'm an optimist by nature, but I did discover a couple of things that were bummers.

First, yesterday I got to thinking about where my weight loss start was last time and where it is this time. I know my all time high was 275, but I had dropped and gained, but held stead at 265 for several years (a set point). Well, I thought I had STARTED at 265 last time. No.... I had totally forgotten that I had lost ten pounds and kept it off for a year after we moved from Virginia to Maryland. My journey had started last time at 255 pounds - not the 265 I had thought.

Which means, I had regained ALL but 14 pounds over an 18 month time period!

The weight fell off the first time for the first few months. It's not falling off this time. It's coming off yes, but it's much, much slower.

That is sort of tied to realization #2. I was just lamenting my new weight loss pattern on a weight loss forum. The last time I was losing weight my weight loss followed my menstrual cycle. I would gain as ovulation neared, and lose for about a week a few days following ovulation. Same pattern month after month without fail.

Well, I'm full in perimenopause now and my cycles are irregular. I have had maybe four cycles in the last year. And my weight loss is less predictable. And it's way, way, way slower. Wish I would have been more in the know that perimenopause tends to be one of the most difficult times to lose weight as the hormones are all over the place. And, with my hormones all over the place, it could have been a contributing factor to my depression.

I had several whammies - perimenopause - can cause depression. Seasonal Affect Disorder - causes seasonal depression. I stopped taking my thyroid medicine in the late summer/early fall - low thyroid function can cause depression. AND, I was dealing with a lot of injuries which kept me from the gym more often that I liked, and since exercise is a mood lifter, THAT was leading me to have more unhappiness too.

And for awhile, actually, there was a fifth contributing factor, I was gaining or was stuck at the same weight while eating 1500 calories a day - and I was still hungry. If I didn't exercise, I was stuck. And that was extremely frustrating. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I would face a lifetime of hunger at 1500 calories. If I ate more, I gained. That entire year after my initial weight loss was a slow struggle, but still going slightly up... and then I just "lost it" and gave in temporarily.  The saying of, "more food doesn't taste as good as thin feels" left me. Food definitely tasted better than thin felt for many, many months as I used it as my only comfort.

And then the sixth contributing factor - seeing my husband's disappointment in me. Seeing how our relationship changed (and is still changed). I don't like to disappoint people, especially people I love. So, seeing he had lost his faith in me. Seeing he was disappointed in me and not attracted to me hurt a lot too... which also added to the depression.

So, I am getting a better understanding of why I went into a deep depression - it wasn't unexplainable. I get it now.

And, now I'm beginning to understand why losing weight the last couple of years has been especially difficult - I'm dealing with menopause stuff at the same time and this time tends to be the roughest time for weight loss (which makes sense as when do most women gain weight? During menopause!)

With the new information, I know more what to look for and how to keep my head in a better place. Knowledge is power. If this weight loss is super slow, it's super slow. It's not a race. It's about making it lifelong. if it takes me twice as long as last time, it does. It says nothing about me or my value as a person. It's about getting healthier forever.

How and why did I get so complacent?

This first part is taken directly for posts from a website I wrote on yesterday, but then I expand on this already long theme:

Why did I become complacent?

Around the time I was turning 40, my health hit an all time low. I went into the doctor's office because of daily, awful headaches. Found out my blood pressure was 220/130 (should be 120/80ish). My thyroid was around 48-50ish (should be under 3, and preferably around 1) , my fasting blood sugar was around 150 (should be under 100). My Cholesterol was 250ish (should be under 200) and I felt awful - no duh.

They got things regulated with medications and I started feeling better and one by one things got better - first the BP, then the cholesterol and blood sugars and finally the thyroid got better to where it should be. The only medication I needed after a few months was the thyroid medication - it was causing all the other problems. 

All was great - I felt great and had energy and so on. With proper medication and fitness and diet - I got everything PERFECT - better than ever before in my life.

Then... I got complacent. "eh" maybe I can eat this." or "Eh, maybe I don't really need this thyroid medicine. Maybe my thyroid was so messed up because of how I was eating." And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. (or so the evil voice told me... really it was about being ashamed of gaining 30 pounds and being afraid of too many carbs affecting my blood sugar levels). Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control.

I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months. My blood pressure was 200/150. They couldn't get it to come down even with medication that should bring it down quickly  and they wanted me to go to the emergency room. I declined as my husband was out of town and I had to deal with the kids and no one to really take me. They gave me more meds to take at home and made me promise I would come back in next day. I did. It's now down to 150-100 and I already feel better and my eyes look better. I will check in a few to see if it has come down even more.

I did blood work yesterday morning. I know it's going to be a mess.

What the hell happened to me that I really stopped caring? I got scared to death to jump start this weight loss journey 4 years ago. How did I forget how bad things were?

How can a smart person like me be so freaking stupid? And how can I keep myself from ever being that stupid again?

DEPRESSION KILLS!!!!!

And I'm not a person in depression frequently- I have occasional episodes with some SAD winter blahs, but this started last spring - lasted all summer and just got deep/bad in the fall and winter. I've been in it for about a year - deeply so for the last 7 or so months. I have mild depression every winter. I have had maybe 2 other times these DEEP depressions.

I need to learn from this... and not get complacent, but I also need to figure out HOW to stop this cycle. (More on this below)

The doctor's office yesterday was not "convinced" I would keep taking my medications and that I would come back for followup. I didn't get it. I mean... I made that appointment, right? I came back the next day right? But then I thought, "well duh, you also didn't come in for a year to refill a needed for life medication that only costs me (with insurance) $1 a month. Without insurance it's like $3 a month - it's that cheap. That medication keeps me from death's door to healthy. Why would they trust me to take care of myself? I have proven to them that I'm incapable of caring for myself.

I have to re-build trust with everyone - family and doctors. And that can get dangerous for me too as I'm a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy and that also keeps me away or hide things if I think it will make them unhappy. It's why I hide my hurtness/pain. I don't want other people to feel bad. Well WAKE UP MELISSA"! They feel bad when you are depressed too - far longer and much worse than a temporary "worry" that we can make better.

I'm not even opposed to treating depression or seeing a counselor, so it's not even that... it's being afraid of disappointing people - ANYONE.


And, someone on the forum asked me to maybe think back to see if there was a trigger that started the depression. I don't think there was a single trigger. It was a ton of things that just finally did me in.

1. Series of injuries. Every time I would try something else to rest one injury, I would get another.

2. I joined a weight loss team at the gym and despite working my butt off and eating right for three months, the results were far less than I was hoping for.

3. The sexual side effects of either dieting or the thyroid medicine was really bugging me after dealing with it for over two years.

4. I was having a hard time being satisfied with my caloric intake. I was hungry all the time, but if I increased my foods, I gained weight and I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise as much and exercise is a mood booster and an appetite suppressant for me.

5. I was feeling in a rut with our life. We had to cancel several couple/date plans. My husband and I hardly had time for each other for fun. It was all - house, work, kids and their school and issues, and working out - nothing left over for fun.

6. I went deeper into depression when I could see how upset my husband was with my weight gain. And our sex life went to zero.

7. My mother in law is a constant frustration. (We all live under the same roof)

8. Winter started and my light depression sunk to deep depression with the lack of light, the wet and the cold. I couldn't even walk for pleasure as it wasn't even pleasant to be outside nearly all winter long.

9. Having to deal with my senior in HS’s schooling and college applications was a constant battle.

10. My younger son with autism was having a really hard year and hating school.

And there are probably more triggers. I don't think that there has to be a single trigger. Just sometimes the battles get to be too much to deal with - for me at least. I had a breaking point.

And... I realize, when I hit the "must not cross line" and I crossed it, then I really didn't care. That line in the sand was crossed, so oh well... I've destroyed everything, so why not just say to hell with it for now. I got over 200 pounds. All was lost.

Yet, that other voice kept speaking to me - Tomorrow I'll eat better. Tomorrow I'll take a walk. The first of the month will be a fresh start. I don't want to buy too many clothes, because I won't be in this size for long. I WILL get this under control. Yet, I never did - until now. And I wonder if I would even be here now if it wasn't for my husband asking about my thyroid medication. He asked when I last took it. I told him honestly. And that is when he forced me to wake up.  While I was feeling better and better, I wasn't to the point of 'admitting' where I had been. I don't know when or if I would have ever broken out of it on my own. I was that ashamed to go to the doctor to admit my failure. They were sooooooooo proud of me. I beat the odds. I did it when so many cannot. I somehow wanted to get better BEFORE going back to the doctor.... but with a nearly non-functioning thyroid? How did I forget how debilitating it was for me?

And, the - husband, doctor, etc ARE terribly disappointed in me, but not with what I was afraid of - they are disappointed and worried that I totally threw away my health over pride of, at that time, a few pounds - well, fewer pounds. 30 pounds is FAR less than 75!!!! My fear of letting people down was that strong which is so completely stupid. And I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself.

My new strategy is that I will make my husband my watch dog. If he notices habits sliding, I have to promise that I will call my doctor to get on an antidepressant as, I think I can know from a few lessons now, it's the depression that does it to me. I won't say, "I'll try harder." Or, "Yes, I know, I'm trying."  I will promise to really address the issue - which is depression. I'm already trying to do better with the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), but if I feel/sense or my husband does, then I have to admit it and deal with it. There is no shame in that. The shame is in ignoring it.

I think that is the key to never sliding again - not allowing myself to get deeply depressed.

Thank you for all the positiveness

This is no April Fool's message. First, I'm not witty enough to pull off an April Fool's joke. Second, I'm not mentally in a place to want to pull a April Fool's joke.


The hardest part, for me, in starting something hard - something I don't like about myself -  is facing the music. Getting started. Being honest with myself and with people around me. I guess I'm secretive about things that are very painful. I don't share pain until I'm mostly over the pain and have moved on to healing. I've been that way for like... forever I think.

People will say, "but you are so open." Am I really? Or maybe I'm selectively open. When my head is in a good place, I'm very open. It's true. I can share the bad stuff that is behind me or even the bad stuff that I'm dealing with right then and there, but when my head isn't in a good place? I withdraw into myself. Completely. No one is allowed in. No one. Not my best friends. Not my children. Not my spouse. Now, if I were asked about things that might be noticed, I would answer honestly, but I wouldn't volunteer information - ever. I become extremely closed about what is the most painful.

It's why I stopped writing. It's why I stopped frequenting several boards. It's why I just "shut off".

That is what I need to work on and stop the cycle of doing it again and again. I need to stop myself from completely withdrawing. I need to keep the communication lines open. If I can do that, I can probably stay in the funk for a shorter time because I can get the help that I need much sooner. I don't know why I get into these, "I can fix it myself" mentalities. Obviously, it's not the healthiest option.

So, I'm still learning about myself. 44 years old and still figuring it all out. Will I ever?

This has been especially hard for my husband. I know he is angry, sad, disappointed, scared. When I close up like that and "hide", he feels I'm being dishonest. While I never lied about anything. It's true I am not being upfront either. Like I never said I was not taking or refilling my thyroid medicine. I just didn't say anything. When he asked last week, I told him honestly. To him that is a betrayal of sorts and I know he's angry and worried. And I understand that.

I also understand it's hard to see the person he loves be so self-harming. I lost 110 pounds the healthy and smart way. We were happy and in a very good place with our marriage. Then I gained 30 of those back and fought for a year the same 30 pounds up and down. We were still OK. Then I just stopped everything and gained an additional 45 in less than a year. I'm not too far ahead of where I was 4 years ago and my health is right back to the pits. I don't need to blood work to tell me that. I know it. I know things are all out of kilter - not just the blood pressure for which I need to regulate (again) by meds until my thyroid behaves normally again and it comes back down to normal. And my marriage? It's not in danger, but it's in a low, for sure and how could it not be when one person is pulling it down by not taking care of themselves?

But already, I'm feeling better. It started a few weeks ago and every day is a bit better. Yesterday was really, really rough as I had to face the doctor and the health issues which I knew were there. But... I faced it and there's only moving on and making it better from here and working on staying in a good place and maybe devising ways that I can't retreat into myself ever again. It not only hurts me, but the people I love.

So... I'm facing the music.

At the doctor's office yesterday with clothes and shoes the scale said 246. At home today, nude, first thing in the morning, it read 241.6 So, that is my new starting point. My end goal is to be healthy and I think an attainable, healthy weight for me is 175... which is 100 pounds from my all time high. and 10 pounds heavier than my all time low.

But my real goal is just to be healthy and to live healthy - with fitness and and with eating. I'm not going to get stuck on the pounds as much as before. I need to eat right and move right and worry less about the scale. If I do the fitness and the healthy eating, the scale should follow.

275/241.6/175

Ha! Editing to add that it's kind of fitting that on April Fool's I find out that I need to lose 66.6 pounds. 666?

The amount of time I'm away... speaks volumes

I told myself, when I was deep in the throws or self-hatred and deep depression that I would NOT write on this blog ever again. I told myself that I would do it "again" silently, on my own, without crutches like a blog to keep me accountable or a forum about weight loss and fitness. I was ashamed and I wanted to hide.

But as I've blogged about before - there is no 'hiding' weight gain or weight loss. We wear our sorrows. I KNOW, K.N.O.W. people near me have been watching me balloon up in size again. Maybe some are worried. Some are sad. Some are gloating. And some are scared for themselves - because "if Melissa can fail, then maybe I will too?"

And I am ashamed and disappointed in myself. Why did I let all the little things finally topple everything over. Why did I dig in so deep?

How deep? Very... Like... stopped taking my thyroid medicines over a year ago deep. I am just back from the doctor's office. My blood pressure is through the roof (again). I'm sure my blood sugars are bad (again). Same with cholesterol, and of course, the thyroid is probably off the charts bad/low functioning. My learning from before was the my thyroid very much controls these things.

What happened? So many things. I can probably list a half dozen or more - but none of them are the "one thing". I just reached a point of super frustration of realizing that I was always going to feel hungry. Was always going to have to eliminate whole categories of food, throw in 2-3 injuries that kept me from the gym and in different states of pain (leg and shoulder injuries and neck and back spasms). and then pride got involved of me "wanting to fix it on my own without anyone knowing - even the doctors." Yes, a smart person can be very, very, very dumb.

But I am here because I need to be here. I need to write. And if you are mad at me or gloating - fine, do so, but keep your freaking mouth SHUT.

You think you had it worse than me and you were successful and I should have been too? Shut up about it and go away if it bugs you that I'm now a deemed "weight loss failure". I don't need to hear it.
 
One of the best things I EVER heard from a counselor was this, "Don't compare yourself to anyone else and don't compare your problems to their problems. Don't minimalize YOUR issues because they are yours and yours only and your mind will deal with them how YOU can deal with them - not  how others deal with theirs."

Add in to all of that and I'm a carb addict. I simply cannot have them. And I was eating them. And then more and more and more and more.... It kills too, just more slowly than heroine and other deadly drugs. Problem is, it is that much harder to stay away from them. I have to eat and carbs are everywhere.  I did it before and I can do it again, but even THINKING about it has me in tears. This is not temporary. This is forever.

Now... for the blog... I will try to do it daily as it helped me tremendously. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to do it by weight or clothing size or measurements. I simply don't know. Right now I'm just mad at myself and sad at what I've undone. And right now it's all about getting things back to normal - starting with blood pressure and then the rest.

As far as the blog goes, all pictures from the side bar are taken down as they are of an old journey, not this one. But I'm keeping it the same blog because, like the first time, I want this to be about honesty. And I want to hopefully, show myself and others that it can be done again. and again. and again. if needed. This will be a battle for life. I know it, so I want to be honest about the journeys I take.

Like the first time, I have to do this because if I don't. I will die a young death. But just how do I keep myself from ever 'relapsing' again. I wish I knew. I really do. But this is step one. Being here and finally being honest with myself and everyone else.