Our medical system is messed up

I have insurance. I have a primary care doctor - even better, I have the WHOLE PRACTICE I can go to, not just a specific doctor. And, it's a PPO, so I don't have to get referrals to make appointments for specialists. When I needed to see a dermatologist to get some suspicious spots on my face looked at, I just called. When I felt I should see an endocrinologist to get my thyroid regulated even more tightly, I just called. When it works, it's great.

But last week I called to see my doctor. It would take 5 weeks to get an appointment with that specific doctor, would I mind seeing the Nurse Practitioner? No problem, next Monday at 9 am. I wanted to get started on my thyroid medication as soon as possible because it controls so many things that I knew were out of whack.

I went to that appointment and she was very nervous about my blood pressure. She gave me paperwork to do labs and told me to come in next day to check on the BP. She was not going to give the prescription for the thyroid medication until she saw the results from the labs - to see where I was. In the meantime she called in (faxed in) prescriptions for blood pressure medications. But it didn't get sent or was lost. I had to go through all of that - twice.

I came in next day after doing my labs and the BP was lower. She said she would want me to come in next week to go over the labs. I specifically asked that if the thyroid was off, would she call in the prescription. She said yes. No call yesterday, but first thing this morning, 8 am, I have a call from my doctor's office. "Can I make an appointment for next week to go over my lab results?"

NEXT WEEK???? I ask about the prescription. The person on the phone said that there is no note and that the NP wants to talk with me first. I am getting really annoyed, but stay calm. I say, "can you please leave a note for the NP about filling the prescription".

That means, that  an extra 2 weeks were added to the wait of starting a medication that I NEED. Yes, I had gone off it voluntarily, but once they got me in and know my history, they should have jumped immediately.

My known history is (all documented in their files): I had very high BP, high cholesterol, high blood sugar levels and a very, very low thyroid 3.5 years ago. Once the thyroid adjusted, all the other numbers came in line. ALL OF THEM.

I even said with the NP - BOTH DAYS that my cholesterol will be high. My blood sugar will be high, just as my blood pressure was high. They want that all to get better? START THE THYROID MEDICATION!!!!!!!!!

On top of that, those are MY lab results. When my mother in law gets labs done with Kaiser Permanente, she gets results to her email the same time the doctor gets them. Why do I have to wait to "discuss them" to know what it says? Instead, I have to go through this sign up thing online and they take WAY longer to receive than it does to get to the doctor. I had one set up for the lab I usually use, but the NP sent me to a different lab (which was better, so that's OK), but it means I had to set up a new account and have to wait. No results are available yet.

So... they are my results... and I have to wait 4 days to see them once they've already been reported - 6 days since having them done.

What makes me sooooo upset is that she was wanting to rush me via ambulance 3 days ago to the ER to get my blood pressure down - one that is elevated because of the thyroid. AND had probably been that high for weeks or months. Yet... there is no urgency in getting me started on the medications that will get things back to normal - as naturally as possible.

Yes, I know... I'm the one who screwed this up in the first place by not taking my medications, but should there be all of this just to start taking something I know I need?

And I would say there is close to ZERO chance that my thyroid is fine... so I highly doubt that possibility. Checking my blood pressure in a a few minutes should be interesting. I'm sure it's raised.

And, to add to my frustrations, now that I'm feeling less depressed, I am getting to work on getting more help for my son on the autism spectrum. He needs re-evaluating and he needs to see someone about his food and dinner table issues. His IEP meeting at school is this coming Tuesday, but I will need to do some stuff outside of school too. Oh, and yesterday the Speech therapist my youngest sees outside of school added to the to-do list. She thinks I should have him evaluated for ADHD.

While simultaneously, I am trying to help my older son graduate and make college decisions.  And with his ADHD and school fatigue, that's not easy either.

No wonder I got so freaking depressed.

The amount of time I'm away... speaks volumes

I told myself, when I was deep in the throws or self-hatred and deep depression that I would NOT write on this blog ever again. I told myself that I would do it "again" silently, on my own, without crutches like a blog to keep me accountable or a forum about weight loss and fitness. I was ashamed and I wanted to hide.

But as I've blogged about before - there is no 'hiding' weight gain or weight loss. We wear our sorrows. I KNOW, K.N.O.W. people near me have been watching me balloon up in size again. Maybe some are worried. Some are sad. Some are gloating. And some are scared for themselves - because "if Melissa can fail, then maybe I will too?"

And I am ashamed and disappointed in myself. Why did I let all the little things finally topple everything over. Why did I dig in so deep?

How deep? Very... Like... stopped taking my thyroid medicines over a year ago deep. I am just back from the doctor's office. My blood pressure is through the roof (again). I'm sure my blood sugars are bad (again). Same with cholesterol, and of course, the thyroid is probably off the charts bad/low functioning. My learning from before was the my thyroid very much controls these things.

What happened? So many things. I can probably list a half dozen or more - but none of them are the "one thing". I just reached a point of super frustration of realizing that I was always going to feel hungry. Was always going to have to eliminate whole categories of food, throw in 2-3 injuries that kept me from the gym and in different states of pain (leg and shoulder injuries and neck and back spasms). and then pride got involved of me "wanting to fix it on my own without anyone knowing - even the doctors." Yes, a smart person can be very, very, very dumb.

But I am here because I need to be here. I need to write. And if you are mad at me or gloating - fine, do so, but keep your freaking mouth SHUT.

You think you had it worse than me and you were successful and I should have been too? Shut up about it and go away if it bugs you that I'm now a deemed "weight loss failure". I don't need to hear it.
 
One of the best things I EVER heard from a counselor was this, "Don't compare yourself to anyone else and don't compare your problems to their problems. Don't minimalize YOUR issues because they are yours and yours only and your mind will deal with them how YOU can deal with them - not  how others deal with theirs."

Add in to all of that and I'm a carb addict. I simply cannot have them. And I was eating them. And then more and more and more and more.... It kills too, just more slowly than heroine and other deadly drugs. Problem is, it is that much harder to stay away from them. I have to eat and carbs are everywhere.  I did it before and I can do it again, but even THINKING about it has me in tears. This is not temporary. This is forever.

Now... for the blog... I will try to do it daily as it helped me tremendously. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to do it by weight or clothing size or measurements. I simply don't know. Right now I'm just mad at myself and sad at what I've undone. And right now it's all about getting things back to normal - starting with blood pressure and then the rest.

As far as the blog goes, all pictures from the side bar are taken down as they are of an old journey, not this one. But I'm keeping it the same blog because, like the first time, I want this to be about honesty. And I want to hopefully, show myself and others that it can be done again. and again. and again. if needed. This will be a battle for life. I know it, so I want to be honest about the journeys I take.

Like the first time, I have to do this because if I don't. I will die a young death. But just how do I keep myself from ever 'relapsing' again. I wish I knew. I really do. But this is step one. Being here and finally being honest with myself and everyone else.