Never thought I would feel so happy about a weight gain!

I have been bouncing around the same 5 pounds for nearly a month now. I was going down, down, down... then vacation where I thought I had an ovulation (maybe?) and then I had a very, very slow loss from vacation time, but did finally manage to get back down to prevacation weight by a smidgen. Then, I got my period and then started to lose a bit and then stall and then slowly a gain.

I was hoping it was an old pattern returning of no weight loss between my period and ovulation, but because I don't ovulate regularly at all any more (I am 45.5 years old), I just never know. Well, I now know that ovulation is impending as all my old signs for ovulation are there - slow, steady weight gain (for no reason), increased sexual desire, change in cervical fluids. All of that points to hormones at work trying to get me pregnant. (Which aint happening!) So, as much as I hated, hated, hated my old weight loss pattern. Now I find comfort in it as it means I have an explanation of the last 12 days of no weight loss and some steady weight gains despite being 100% on plan with nary a stray meal. Even on the day we went out for dinner, I kept within plan!!!

What it will mean? A huge whoosh hopefully really, really soon. But what else it will mean is that for tomorrow on my three month anniversary of this weight loss reboot I'm not going to see a very big loss for the month, but that's OK. It's not going to be a consistent, steady loss. The body just doesn't work that way!

Deeply personal - and for our loved ones who just don't understand our food issues

Written Friday evening. Published Saturday evening.

I'm sitting here on a Friday night - doing fine with my eating, not derailed from vacation and feeling good about my progress (again).

I just looked through our photos from vacation from last week and there are a few photos with me in them, and, of course, I hate them as I don't like that I'm heavy.

Then I started thinking a bit more about a conversation I had with my husband's cousin while we were on vacation and he said it, not me. He said something along the lines of this, "Sugars are like a cocaine addiction. They really are. When I don't eat them, I'm fine, but as soon as I start eating them I'm pulled in - like a true addict." Does he read my blog because I swear I've said that before - but I know he doesn't do Facebook or use the computer much, so probably not.

And it is so true. For some of us. That is the key. My husband and at least my older son (too early to tell yet with the younger one) don't have this issue with sugars (simply carbs) that I most certainly do.

On our vacation, I did great the first few days, but towards the end, as my carb count went up a bit with pizza crust, a cookie for a snack, and then totally being sucked into a pancake breakfast, I could feel myself slipping. Not completely, but that voice in my head was saying, "Ah, who cares. Eat those cookies. You will lose that weight eventually. What is one brownie going to hurt?" That VOICE!!!!

But, vacation ended, plan is fine. Water weight is coming off. I won that battle. This time.

That is the problem though. It is an addiction. I will have battles - life long battles. I will be surrounded by cakes and cookies and pasta, and bread and potato chips and pancakes and other desserts for my entire life. Some times I am going to fall. And sometimes I'm going to want the food more than I want the health and the feeling of being trimmer and fitter (and yes, you most absolutely do feel better when you aren't lugging around all that weight!)

And then I think back to a conversation I had with my husband several years back before I lost the weight last time. He felt that my not taking care of myself was showing that I didn't love him. It wasn't just about my size (though he was and is less attracted to me at higher weights and that is totally understandable), but it was more him fearing that he would lose his life partner. And that I am/was less active so we could do less things together. If I loved him more, I would take better care of myself because I was short changing him by making myself unhealthy.

And he simply didn't get it. It has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with anyone else, but me and this addiction (and problems with Seasonal Affect Disorder). Of course I loved him - and my children - always. But I have an addiction problem with sugar.

I think he gets it now, but I also think he thinks that if I loved him enough, I would stay away from the sugars. Much like a partner of an alcoholic or drug addict probably hopes/dreams that if their partner loved them enough, they would stay clean. It just doesn't work like that! And staying away from sugar is ever so much harder than staying away from booze and drugs - it's socially acceptable to eat cake and cookies and pancakes. And I can have them in a right balance here and there - just not regularly and not in big quantities.

I felt the pull last night after working 12 hours - and adding on another 1.5 hours of driving. I wanted a soda and something sweet - the instant "hit" that can keep me going for longer - keep the energy level up high enough when I feel the batteries draining. How often did I do just that? How often did I use food to help me through the day (especially in winter?) Every Pringle container and Reese's Peanut butter cup a drug high (a combo of salty and sweet). That is true addiction.

And it had nothing to do with my love for anyone else. It had to do with doing what the voice was telling me to do get the fix Melissa. And while on a sugar high, I feel good. It tastes good. I have more energy.. until I don't and I need another hit  - an ever increasing dosage too.

Sugar addictions are real. Sugar addictions are not about hating oneself or not loving another person enough. It's an addiction - a physical dependence and a mental one. Will power isn't enough. Love isn't enough. Keeping triggers at bay or in check are the only way to deal with it.

The amount of time I'm away... speaks volumes

I told myself, when I was deep in the throws or self-hatred and deep depression that I would NOT write on this blog ever again. I told myself that I would do it "again" silently, on my own, without crutches like a blog to keep me accountable or a forum about weight loss and fitness. I was ashamed and I wanted to hide.

But as I've blogged about before - there is no 'hiding' weight gain or weight loss. We wear our sorrows. I KNOW, K.N.O.W. people near me have been watching me balloon up in size again. Maybe some are worried. Some are sad. Some are gloating. And some are scared for themselves - because "if Melissa can fail, then maybe I will too?"

And I am ashamed and disappointed in myself. Why did I let all the little things finally topple everything over. Why did I dig in so deep?

How deep? Very... Like... stopped taking my thyroid medicines over a year ago deep. I am just back from the doctor's office. My blood pressure is through the roof (again). I'm sure my blood sugars are bad (again). Same with cholesterol, and of course, the thyroid is probably off the charts bad/low functioning. My learning from before was the my thyroid very much controls these things.

What happened? So many things. I can probably list a half dozen or more - but none of them are the "one thing". I just reached a point of super frustration of realizing that I was always going to feel hungry. Was always going to have to eliminate whole categories of food, throw in 2-3 injuries that kept me from the gym and in different states of pain (leg and shoulder injuries and neck and back spasms). and then pride got involved of me "wanting to fix it on my own without anyone knowing - even the doctors." Yes, a smart person can be very, very, very dumb.

But I am here because I need to be here. I need to write. And if you are mad at me or gloating - fine, do so, but keep your freaking mouth SHUT.

You think you had it worse than me and you were successful and I should have been too? Shut up about it and go away if it bugs you that I'm now a deemed "weight loss failure". I don't need to hear it.
 
One of the best things I EVER heard from a counselor was this, "Don't compare yourself to anyone else and don't compare your problems to their problems. Don't minimalize YOUR issues because they are yours and yours only and your mind will deal with them how YOU can deal with them - not  how others deal with theirs."

Add in to all of that and I'm a carb addict. I simply cannot have them. And I was eating them. And then more and more and more and more.... It kills too, just more slowly than heroine and other deadly drugs. Problem is, it is that much harder to stay away from them. I have to eat and carbs are everywhere.  I did it before and I can do it again, but even THINKING about it has me in tears. This is not temporary. This is forever.

Now... for the blog... I will try to do it daily as it helped me tremendously. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to do it by weight or clothing size or measurements. I simply don't know. Right now I'm just mad at myself and sad at what I've undone. And right now it's all about getting things back to normal - starting with blood pressure and then the rest.

As far as the blog goes, all pictures from the side bar are taken down as they are of an old journey, not this one. But I'm keeping it the same blog because, like the first time, I want this to be about honesty. And I want to hopefully, show myself and others that it can be done again. and again. and again. if needed. This will be a battle for life. I know it, so I want to be honest about the journeys I take.

Like the first time, I have to do this because if I don't. I will die a young death. But just how do I keep myself from ever 'relapsing' again. I wish I knew. I really do. But this is step one. Being here and finally being honest with myself and everyone else.

Stinking hormones and spinning class

I haven't stepped on the scale the last couple days because I knew it would be up from hormones. I was eating perfect, exercising, doing everything right, but hormones are raging with my monthly cycle.

Last night I stepped on the scale before going to bed. WHAT? I stepped on this morning, and while going down 3 lbs over night, I'm up 3 pounds since the last weigh in DESPITE eating at 1400-1450 each of those days and exercising those days too (only didn't exercise Sunday - as always).

I have a weigh-in tomorrow for this competition. I really would not like to see a gain on the scale, but there's not much I can do.

I tried to figure out what might have gotten my up 3 pounds and then realized I've had soup. It's homemade beef soup, but soup is naturally salty. I didn't add table salt to the soup (like everyone else did), but it was still probably saltier food than I usually eat. And I probably made it as my body was probably demanding salt and I didn't figure out, "Oh, if you eat soup, you are increasing your sodium level." Same thing with homemade salsa. These foods that are mostly really good for you, but they are high in sodium.

I guess today, for the rest of today I'll be drinking water with lemon juice to hope to drop this water weight by tomorrow's weigh-in at noon.

In other stuff, I figured out what was aggravating my knee. In the strength training class I do there is a back track. In that track we do a combination of upright rows, dead lifts, clean and presses and overhead lifts. I'm supposed to skip anything overhead for my shoulder (it aggravates that biceps head). So, instead, I've been doing more dead lifts and rows. Well, guess what, those aggravate the hamstring tendon. I have been doubling what is normally done and it's created an overuse injury. Duh! So, that means I should skip that entire track and do something else for awhile to allow my shoulder to recuperate and my hamstring recuperates. ugh...

This morning I took a spinning class and that didn't seem to aggravate my hamstring at all, so that's good. It seems the injury is minor, so it should heal quickly. Yay! I'm not a huge fan of spinning, but it was a good class today. I think I can handle taking it once a week and Tuesdays there is NO OTHER class I like, so it's a perfect fit. I wore my diaper (AKA biking shorts) and it went well. I had stored in my iphone the settings for the bikes at this gym, so I knew the best for me. Also I had put down what my watts per hour output was the first time I took the class at that gym (not the first time I took the class - this gym is the only one that has computerized bikes). I had 37.2 wattage hours on 11/28/11. This time I had 68.6. So, yes, I've definitely gotten stronger in the last year plus as I always give it my all in classes. Of course, every work out is not created equal, but that is a HUGE difference. Wish I would have written down the few other times I had take it too to see the progress, but least there is that!