3 months post stroke

I write so sporadically that it hardly makes sense to write, but once in awhile I just need to open up and let it out. Now is one of those times.

Writing is a difficulty for me right now with a stroke. My brain wants to go at two speeds and it's not good at letting me know when I'm going too fast! What happens is that one side of my brain says, "what stroke? Just write dammit!" The other side of my brain says, "Woah, woah, woah, hold up. Did you hear me? Dude. Seriously, slow down! No? OK, I'll skip a word here and jumble this here," etc.

That this is the main problem I'm having. With some apps, I can catch most of my writing errors. It slows me down a bit, but I'll get used to this new routine.

What I wanted to comment on though was these phases of healing. First, I was in a sort of denial. I knew it happened but was too raw to think about it. I just wanted to be able to think properly and to read. Then, as that was getting better, it was the feeling of despair, terror, hope, anger and so on. I would cycle through dozens of emotions a day. I had many days I just wanted to die. I wished I had died during the stroke. I didn't want to live this new reality. And, honestly, if I knew of a way to die where I wouldn't have burdened Sven and my kids, I would have planned for it. I did not want to be a diminished me.

It has now been 13 weeks and my head is in a much better space as I can see a diminished me still has value, but I still cycle through tremendous emotions. So much of my world is completely the same. I can now drive, go to work, teach Henry, make meals, etc. But I'm not the same me and I never will be.

It isn't like an illness where I will get better. I have forever damaged my brain. It will never be the same. Sure, I will improve and I will probably forget a life of the old me, but this isn't a scar that will fade. It's not just a mark. Part of my brain has died. That has changed me forever and since this is not how my brain was laid out or circuited to run, it can get better and make new connections, but it will never be as good as it was before. And that is the part that I'm having to deal with now. How do I say to myself, "this new me is good enough" when I constantly sense that I'm not as good as the old me in any way.

That is the part that I am having a hard time with now. I'm working, I'm driving. I'm being a fully active participant in my life, but I am mourning the Melissa I was.

And then I am sad because I knew I was mistreating myself too... and I couldn't break free from the cycle of my own self-abuse until I severely damaged myself. And the reality right now I'm also dealing with, is that maybe by damaging myself so severely, perhaps I save myself from an even worse reality.

I know I'm not unique in that. I think that is why I get so deeply saddened at hearing about celebrity suicides, drinking, etc. We all are trying to cope with the world and while I don't think it's easy for anyone, I think some of us got dealt a more difficult hand.

And then I sound to myself like a wuss. But I am pleading mercy. Yes, some people have harder lives than I do, but I'm doing the best I can and obviously, sometimes I have a very hard time dealing with life.

I am not feeling that right now. Right now I'm feeling, "Melissa, why did you neglect your health?" Look at you now? I've lost a not of weight in a few months, you are exercising regularly, you feel good. You are happy and content most of the time. How were you so low?  I've had these episodes my whole life. I can hope I'll never be there again, that hasn't been my reality.

How and why did I get so complacent?

This first part is taken directly for posts from a website I wrote on yesterday, but then I expand on this already long theme:

Why did I become complacent?

Around the time I was turning 40, my health hit an all time low. I went into the doctor's office because of daily, awful headaches. Found out my blood pressure was 220/130 (should be 120/80ish). My thyroid was around 48-50ish (should be under 3, and preferably around 1) , my fasting blood sugar was around 150 (should be under 100). My Cholesterol was 250ish (should be under 200) and I felt awful - no duh.

They got things regulated with medications and I started feeling better and one by one things got better - first the BP, then the cholesterol and blood sugars and finally the thyroid got better to where it should be. The only medication I needed after a few months was the thyroid medication - it was causing all the other problems. 

All was great - I felt great and had energy and so on. With proper medication and fitness and diet - I got everything PERFECT - better than ever before in my life.

Then... I got complacent. "eh" maybe I can eat this." or "Eh, maybe I don't really need this thyroid medicine. Maybe my thyroid was so messed up because of how I was eating." And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. (or so the evil voice told me... really it was about being ashamed of gaining 30 pounds and being afraid of too many carbs affecting my blood sugar levels). Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control.

I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months. My blood pressure was 200/150. They couldn't get it to come down even with medication that should bring it down quickly  and they wanted me to go to the emergency room. I declined as my husband was out of town and I had to deal with the kids and no one to really take me. They gave me more meds to take at home and made me promise I would come back in next day. I did. It's now down to 150-100 and I already feel better and my eyes look better. I will check in a few to see if it has come down even more.

I did blood work yesterday morning. I know it's going to be a mess.

What the hell happened to me that I really stopped caring? I got scared to death to jump start this weight loss journey 4 years ago. How did I forget how bad things were?

How can a smart person like me be so freaking stupid? And how can I keep myself from ever being that stupid again?

DEPRESSION KILLS!!!!!

And I'm not a person in depression frequently- I have occasional episodes with some SAD winter blahs, but this started last spring - lasted all summer and just got deep/bad in the fall and winter. I've been in it for about a year - deeply so for the last 7 or so months. I have mild depression every winter. I have had maybe 2 other times these DEEP depressions.

I need to learn from this... and not get complacent, but I also need to figure out HOW to stop this cycle. (More on this below)

The doctor's office yesterday was not "convinced" I would keep taking my medications and that I would come back for followup. I didn't get it. I mean... I made that appointment, right? I came back the next day right? But then I thought, "well duh, you also didn't come in for a year to refill a needed for life medication that only costs me (with insurance) $1 a month. Without insurance it's like $3 a month - it's that cheap. That medication keeps me from death's door to healthy. Why would they trust me to take care of myself? I have proven to them that I'm incapable of caring for myself.

I have to re-build trust with everyone - family and doctors. And that can get dangerous for me too as I'm a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy and that also keeps me away or hide things if I think it will make them unhappy. It's why I hide my hurtness/pain. I don't want other people to feel bad. Well WAKE UP MELISSA"! They feel bad when you are depressed too - far longer and much worse than a temporary "worry" that we can make better.

I'm not even opposed to treating depression or seeing a counselor, so it's not even that... it's being afraid of disappointing people - ANYONE.


And, someone on the forum asked me to maybe think back to see if there was a trigger that started the depression. I don't think there was a single trigger. It was a ton of things that just finally did me in.

1. Series of injuries. Every time I would try something else to rest one injury, I would get another.

2. I joined a weight loss team at the gym and despite working my butt off and eating right for three months, the results were far less than I was hoping for.

3. The sexual side effects of either dieting or the thyroid medicine was really bugging me after dealing with it for over two years.

4. I was having a hard time being satisfied with my caloric intake. I was hungry all the time, but if I increased my foods, I gained weight and I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise as much and exercise is a mood booster and an appetite suppressant for me.

5. I was feeling in a rut with our life. We had to cancel several couple/date plans. My husband and I hardly had time for each other for fun. It was all - house, work, kids and their school and issues, and working out - nothing left over for fun.

6. I went deeper into depression when I could see how upset my husband was with my weight gain. And our sex life went to zero.

7. My mother in law is a constant frustration. (We all live under the same roof)

8. Winter started and my light depression sunk to deep depression with the lack of light, the wet and the cold. I couldn't even walk for pleasure as it wasn't even pleasant to be outside nearly all winter long.

9. Having to deal with my senior in HS’s schooling and college applications was a constant battle.

10. My younger son with autism was having a really hard year and hating school.

And there are probably more triggers. I don't think that there has to be a single trigger. Just sometimes the battles get to be too much to deal with - for me at least. I had a breaking point.

And... I realize, when I hit the "must not cross line" and I crossed it, then I really didn't care. That line in the sand was crossed, so oh well... I've destroyed everything, so why not just say to hell with it for now. I got over 200 pounds. All was lost.

Yet, that other voice kept speaking to me - Tomorrow I'll eat better. Tomorrow I'll take a walk. The first of the month will be a fresh start. I don't want to buy too many clothes, because I won't be in this size for long. I WILL get this under control. Yet, I never did - until now. And I wonder if I would even be here now if it wasn't for my husband asking about my thyroid medication. He asked when I last took it. I told him honestly. And that is when he forced me to wake up.  While I was feeling better and better, I wasn't to the point of 'admitting' where I had been. I don't know when or if I would have ever broken out of it on my own. I was that ashamed to go to the doctor to admit my failure. They were sooooooooo proud of me. I beat the odds. I did it when so many cannot. I somehow wanted to get better BEFORE going back to the doctor.... but with a nearly non-functioning thyroid? How did I forget how debilitating it was for me?

And, the - husband, doctor, etc ARE terribly disappointed in me, but not with what I was afraid of - they are disappointed and worried that I totally threw away my health over pride of, at that time, a few pounds - well, fewer pounds. 30 pounds is FAR less than 75!!!! My fear of letting people down was that strong which is so completely stupid. And I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself.

My new strategy is that I will make my husband my watch dog. If he notices habits sliding, I have to promise that I will call my doctor to get on an antidepressant as, I think I can know from a few lessons now, it's the depression that does it to me. I won't say, "I'll try harder." Or, "Yes, I know, I'm trying."  I will promise to really address the issue - which is depression. I'm already trying to do better with the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), but if I feel/sense or my husband does, then I have to admit it and deal with it. There is no shame in that. The shame is in ignoring it.

I think that is the key to never sliding again - not allowing myself to get deeply depressed.

Whe you live with an older person

When you live with an older person, you see the aging process more completely. I have known my mother in law quite intimately for 18 years, but have learned all the ins and outs in the last almost 2 years since we joined households. And it isn't pretty.

So, my thoughts, way back in my youth was, "thin is where it's at". "If I were just thinner..." Well, you know what? My mother in law was thin all her life until she moved to the United States. And I mean t.h.i.n. And, while she lived in Europe, in a center city, she walked everywhere and stayed relatively in good condition, but since moving here, her health has deteriorated quite a bit and her weight has gone up.

The big thing that happened is that she stopped walking all the time. Most of the US is for driving only. You have to drive to the store, the mall, the library, etc. The most walking you get is in a parking lot and even then, people park as close as they can. And honestly, I can't blame anyone because parking lot walking is awful walking - boring, stinky and hot in summer.

Second, she's always had a sweet tooth and never had to watch her weight, so she doesn't know how or isn't willing to change her eating to control her weight, blood pressure, or her cholesterol and blood sugar. She has significant blood pressure issues, borderline  cholesterol issues and is beginning to have blood sugar issues all of those things could be better if she exercised and if she dropped 15-20 pounds.

Now, she will say, 'it's my birth certificate" and part of that is true. She's 76 years old and you would expect some health problems here and there and that things would be slowing down. But, I also see these older women at the gym and our neighbors around us and I see how different it can be.

We live on a cul de sac with 10 houses. There are two young families, there's us, then three families are  almost empty nester families and the rest are all retired or semi retired. Those four families that are retired are original owners from 1967 and they are still out golfing every day, taking care of their lawn, walking all over the place and are super, duper active  in their late 70s and early 80s. Our neighbor next to us has severe osteoporosis, but she's out there weeding, shoveling snow and raking and she's about to turn 90 if she hasn't already.

There's a lady I see at the gym. She' has to be 65 and man, I want to be her now, let alone when I get to her age. I look at that and I realize: It's not about being thin. It's about being active. Active is the key. When you are active, you stay trimmer, your mind stays sharper and you live a healthier life.

I could have dropped this weight without exercise. Exercise just makes it easier, but it's the exercise that has made me much healthier and will be what keeps me healthier. Now of course, the weight loss put a lot less strain on my body and just that added years to my life and quality to my life, but it's the exercise that took it up to really good quality of life.

And that part I have to keep if I want to be like our neighbors around us and not like my mother in law. I'm watching my mother in law deteriorate a bit more every year. She was obviously very bright as she's a medical doctor who then specialized in psychiatry and neurology and she was very good at what she did. Yet now she resists learning anything new and forgets all the new things she learns.

I see with each illness how much weaker she becomes and never quite fully recovers. I see how one medicine keeps needing to be added after another to keep her healthy. And what's even scarier, is that she led a pretty healthy life compared to almost any American I can compare her to. She always ate good quality food and was active until 15-20 years ago. She has lived her life much better than I have ever lived mine until very recently. What was I thinking??? How much denial was I in?

So, this isn't only a weight loss journey. This is changing my life around and keeping it turned around forever. I want to be one of those old ladies who is up and going until I drop. I know there are a lot of things I can't control for, but I can at least do my part.

And my part included getting to the gym at 8 pm last night after being home with a kid with flu all day and will mean getting to the gym tonight after another similar flu infested day.

Stats for 10/5/11:

Beginning weight: 255.6  Now: 181.6 (74 pounds lost)
Exercise total hours in 2011: 274
Total miles walked in 2011: 808/1000