How I know my head is currently in a good place

I don't want to go into specifics as it's not my place as it's not my situation directly, but a family member has been really struggling this year. When that struggle started mid-year, "I" was not in a good place, so when I became cognizant of their struggles, it brought me even lower. I helped this person and put them first, but it dug me in deeper for my own struggles.

Now, in late spring when I'm no longer in this deep fog of "downness", I handled this same person's new "bad news" much more constructively for myself. I am helping them, AND still taking care of myself. I don't have to give up one to do the other as I have the energy and brain health to help support more than just me right now. Last winter? I gave up supporting me to support everyone else. That's not a healthy mix, but it is a good learning experience for me.

I still have to figure out how not to get down again this fall/winter, but at least I'm becoming more aware of it's impact and in realizing I need to tackle it head on and try to mitigate most of the damage to myself.

Anyway... self reflection time... I'm still learning and hopefully learning enough about myself to stop this destructive, repeating cycle I've found myself in. 

Weight loss reboot: 5/18/15
Down 16 pounds

Seratonin and Carbs - How did I Miss the Connection?

A couple days ago on a forum post someone wrote this:

This what I've learned from my Neurophysiology class. This is a very simplistic explanation for some very complex processes. 

If you've had a lot stress, depression, or anxiety it can result in you gaining a lot weight. For a lot of people stress leads to stress eating and usually those are carbs because carbs are needed to help tryptophan get into your brain. Tryptophan breaks down into 5-HTP which then increases serotonin levels which help regulate mood. But carbs also tend to come with a lot of calories. 

I read that and thought, huh... let me look up some more. And then I found TONS of stuff. I found this on webmd: http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/craving-carbs. Hmmm...

And then this abstract: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8697046 and then this: http://www.livestrong.com/article/458140-do-carbohydrates-raise-serotonin-dopamine/ and even more articles.

What I finally concluded about myself recently, that I'm using carbs as medication is spot on with this research and findings. Below is some of my life history and when I've gained weight.

I gain weight or fall off the dieting wagon EVERY winter of 8 winters I've tried to lose weight save two and ONE of those times it was only partially successful as I did go off plan and go carb crazy for a month and gained 20 pounds in that month! At that point, I was kin to Cookie Monster for real!

I have gained weight EVERY SINGLE TIME I have started a new job -without exception: 1995, 1997, 1999, 2001, 2014. Why? probably stress of new job and adapting to new habits with life that naturally follows a new job - especially if it involves a move (many of them) and in this last case, going from part-time working, mostly stay at home mom, to a full time working mom. I use carbs to boost my seratonin levels then too.

I also KNOW I depend on carbs, as I have done it in the past, when I had super late nights at work. My go to for a while at work past midnight was a can of Mountain Dew and a Snickers bar. That would keep me going for a couple more hours. Caffeine and carbs!

So, here I am on a low carb diet which is good for my blood sugar, good for my cholesterol levels, and good for more overall feeling of good health as I am terribly carb sensitive, BUT it lowers my seratonin levels which then creates carb cravings - especially in the darker months of the year. I actually DON'T eat super low carb, just much lower than the average person. Add in Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) and I am truly depressed in winter and I crave carbs - lots of carbs and then I start eating them and then I'm out of control.  So, SAD already makes me depressed, but throw in the low carb diet and I'm making that even worse!  I need to figure that out to break that cycle!

There are a couple things I could do - I could go on a higher carb diet, but I have done that before with Weight Watchers years ago and still got derailed come winter. I remember making tons of apple crisp in the late fall and then completely giving up as I got so tired that exercising in the mornings became torture, and then that stalled the weight loss and then I went crazy on carb heavy foods by January. After that incident, I gave up trying to control my weight for over a decade - it was that demoralizing and I felt so self-defeated as I didn't understand how I was doing so well and then totally derailed and ended up heavier than when I started (which also included a job change).

Now, I could try to up my carb intake with healthier carbs in winter with more fruit (apples) and healthy grains, but I think I need to accept and realize that I need an antidepressant to get me through the dark months. Once mid April hits, I'm usually OK and good to go until October. AND, I need to be faithful about using my SAD therapy light in the mornings.

So, a 3 pronged approach? Slow weight loss and increase calories by upping slower burning carbs in winter, take an antidepressant and use the SAD light. If that combo doesn't work, I'm out of ideas and honestly, that might make me feel hopeless! Oh, and add in (keep) exercise as that too is a mood lifter - so a four prong approach.

But seriously, how did I not ever notice or take note of carbs and depression before when it's so obvious for me that when I'm depressed I crave and give into carbs in a HUGE way?

Knowing your triggers, but staying untriggered

I know what my triggers are:

1. Too little sleep
2. Too many carbs
3. Lack of exercise
4. High stress
5. Lack of light (SAD)

I've had years and years to learn them. I am very self-aware. Always have been. However, knowing my triggers and staying untriggered are two different beasts to conquer. So, I'm trying to learn.

1. Too little sleep.

Ok, this one I have a lot of control over and I "do" try to be good about knowing I need sleep and making sure I get good sleep. When I care. When I'm not being triggered by #s 2 and 4 and 5. The too little sleep things tends to reappear when other triggers are already triggered.

     2.  Too many carbs.

This one is a bit trickier. I am much better about controlling carbs when other triggers aren't triggered - it's true. My resolve to stay away from carbs goes way down when I am overtired, stressed and can't excercise, but it's usually, by itself and even with these triggers I can control. Where it seems I'm having a very hard time is when I am affected by #5 - SAD.  But when it is triggered by #5 I simply do not care what I eat PERIOD. And then starts the addiction I have a very hard time breaking. Like a REALLLY hard time come spring when SAD is no longer an issue.

     3. Lack of Exercise

This is probably my smallest trigger. Exercise is an appetite suppressant for me, so I just overall tend to be able to eat at a deficit more easily when I exercise. When I don't exercise and I'm closer to my ideal weight, I eat more for maintenance because creating a deficit when I'm feeling hungrier is harder. That isn't so true when I have a larger caloric base to whittle down from to lose weight. When I exercise, though, it also puts my head in a better space (fighting depression), so it will probably help with keeping other triggers untriggered, especially #5. However, I cannot exercise when I'm overtired - one of my injuries happened that way too and it actually gives into my head - I stay tired and I get grumpy and end up eating more.

    4. High stress

This is a weird trigger. I get more stressed by other triggers not being in place - lack of sleep (most especially) and lack of exercise. HOWEVER, I deal less well with stress when I'm dealing with SAD. Now in spring? I am dealing with it fine - not stuffing my face. I am making myself go to bed earlier and made myself go garden for hours when I could have given into the food demons.

    5.  Lack of light (SAD)

Notice what it all points to as THE trigger? Seasonal Affect Disorder.  Besides the ONE time when I was shocked into action by being so terribly unhealthy (bad cholesterol, scary high blood pressure, super bad, low thyroid, and uncontrollable restless legs) that made me jump into action in the "dark" months, EVERY OTHER TIME I've tried to lose weight it was during spring/summer - when my head was in a better place. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I've started to really lose control was in fall when it gets dark. This is not coincidental. Even the time I was shocked into action was when I made an appointment to see my doctor in October (so not "completely" dark yet) and had to wait until December to see him.  Count the times with me this pattern holds - lose in spring/summer, gain in fall/winter and lose control completely:

1. 1990

2. 1995

3. 1997

4. 2003

5. 2012

6. 2013

7. 2014

8. 2015 - starting to lose again and hope to break the PATTERN.

The times the pattern didn't hold:

1. 2010

2. 2011.*

So, I have tried to lose weight 9 other times in my 45 years - always starting in spring. I have always gained the weight back in the fall/winter/early spring in 7 of those 9 times and there is an apostrophe even with one of those years. 

*I did great in 2011. HOWEVER, I gave myself a month break in mid December 2011 into mid January 2012 over the month long holidays in our home and I gained like 20 pounds in that month (some of it glycogen water weight - but 15 pounds of it was NOT). AND it took a lot of willpower to get back with the program - other triggers were under control though - I was exercising. I was getting enough sleep and stress was pretty low. SAD and high carbs though about did me in even then. I clearly remember how hard that was that winter and it wasn't really until spring that I started to feel I was "back" and it became easier again.

So, it seems that keeping SAD untriggered is the key. The number one key! I can control my carbs, my exercise, my stress, my sleep so much better if I'm not affected by SAD.

I've tried the lamp (sort of), but I think I need to take the next step. I need to take antidepressants seasonally. The slip is so slow and so gradual that I don't even realize I've slipped until I've completely in the "I simply do not care about what I eat" mode.

Why SAD mostly affects me with self-care I don't know. My work usually doesn't suffer. My personal relationships don't really suffer (except with my family), but my mode of eating and exercise suffers terribly and then I have to pull myself off sugars to get back into healthy habits again. KEEPING with the sugars, keeps me in a suppressed, lazy, place.

So, calling all SAD people - what works for you? Have you tried antidepressants? Moving to the equator isn't going to be possible, so I have to learn to deal with the dark months!!! It is the trigger that I have less control about keeping untriggered, but I have to try to find a way!

Editing to add: Also, I am not eating to stuff my feelings in the "dark months". I think I use carbs as medicine, mood booster in the dark months. It fuels me in a way when the rest of me just wants to shut down. Much like having a sugar soda or caffeine or chocolate bar does in the middle of the night and you need an energy boost to keep going. I use it to keep slogging through the winter. I need to find an alternative to CARBS to boost my mood/energy level.

How and why did I get so complacent?

This first part is taken directly for posts from a website I wrote on yesterday, but then I expand on this already long theme:

Why did I become complacent?

Around the time I was turning 40, my health hit an all time low. I went into the doctor's office because of daily, awful headaches. Found out my blood pressure was 220/130 (should be 120/80ish). My thyroid was around 48-50ish (should be under 3, and preferably around 1) , my fasting blood sugar was around 150 (should be under 100). My Cholesterol was 250ish (should be under 200) and I felt awful - no duh.

They got things regulated with medications and I started feeling better and one by one things got better - first the BP, then the cholesterol and blood sugars and finally the thyroid got better to where it should be. The only medication I needed after a few months was the thyroid medication - it was causing all the other problems. 

All was great - I felt great and had energy and so on. With proper medication and fitness and diet - I got everything PERFECT - better than ever before in my life.

Then... I got complacent. "eh" maybe I can eat this." or "Eh, maybe I don't really need this thyroid medicine. Maybe my thyroid was so messed up because of how I was eating." And then I stopped taking the thyroid medicine. (or so the evil voice told me... really it was about being ashamed of gaining 30 pounds and being afraid of too many carbs affecting my blood sugar levels). Well, no wonder things started to spiral out of control.

I went to the doctor yesterday - after not taking my thyroid medicine for about 9 months. My blood pressure was 200/150. They couldn't get it to come down even with medication that should bring it down quickly  and they wanted me to go to the emergency room. I declined as my husband was out of town and I had to deal with the kids and no one to really take me. They gave me more meds to take at home and made me promise I would come back in next day. I did. It's now down to 150-100 and I already feel better and my eyes look better. I will check in a few to see if it has come down even more.

I did blood work yesterday morning. I know it's going to be a mess.

What the hell happened to me that I really stopped caring? I got scared to death to jump start this weight loss journey 4 years ago. How did I forget how bad things were?

How can a smart person like me be so freaking stupid? And how can I keep myself from ever being that stupid again?

DEPRESSION KILLS!!!!!

And I'm not a person in depression frequently- I have occasional episodes with some SAD winter blahs, but this started last spring - lasted all summer and just got deep/bad in the fall and winter. I've been in it for about a year - deeply so for the last 7 or so months. I have mild depression every winter. I have had maybe 2 other times these DEEP depressions.

I need to learn from this... and not get complacent, but I also need to figure out HOW to stop this cycle. (More on this below)

The doctor's office yesterday was not "convinced" I would keep taking my medications and that I would come back for followup. I didn't get it. I mean... I made that appointment, right? I came back the next day right? But then I thought, "well duh, you also didn't come in for a year to refill a needed for life medication that only costs me (with insurance) $1 a month. Without insurance it's like $3 a month - it's that cheap. That medication keeps me from death's door to healthy. Why would they trust me to take care of myself? I have proven to them that I'm incapable of caring for myself.

I have to re-build trust with everyone - family and doctors. And that can get dangerous for me too as I'm a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy and that also keeps me away or hide things if I think it will make them unhappy. It's why I hide my hurtness/pain. I don't want other people to feel bad. Well WAKE UP MELISSA"! They feel bad when you are depressed too - far longer and much worse than a temporary "worry" that we can make better.

I'm not even opposed to treating depression or seeing a counselor, so it's not even that... it's being afraid of disappointing people - ANYONE.


And, someone on the forum asked me to maybe think back to see if there was a trigger that started the depression. I don't think there was a single trigger. It was a ton of things that just finally did me in.

1. Series of injuries. Every time I would try something else to rest one injury, I would get another.

2. I joined a weight loss team at the gym and despite working my butt off and eating right for three months, the results were far less than I was hoping for.

3. The sexual side effects of either dieting or the thyroid medicine was really bugging me after dealing with it for over two years.

4. I was having a hard time being satisfied with my caloric intake. I was hungry all the time, but if I increased my foods, I gained weight and I gained weight because I wasn't able to exercise as much and exercise is a mood booster and an appetite suppressant for me.

5. I was feeling in a rut with our life. We had to cancel several couple/date plans. My husband and I hardly had time for each other for fun. It was all - house, work, kids and their school and issues, and working out - nothing left over for fun.

6. I went deeper into depression when I could see how upset my husband was with my weight gain. And our sex life went to zero.

7. My mother in law is a constant frustration. (We all live under the same roof)

8. Winter started and my light depression sunk to deep depression with the lack of light, the wet and the cold. I couldn't even walk for pleasure as it wasn't even pleasant to be outside nearly all winter long.

9. Having to deal with my senior in HS’s schooling and college applications was a constant battle.

10. My younger son with autism was having a really hard year and hating school.

And there are probably more triggers. I don't think that there has to be a single trigger. Just sometimes the battles get to be too much to deal with - for me at least. I had a breaking point.

And... I realize, when I hit the "must not cross line" and I crossed it, then I really didn't care. That line in the sand was crossed, so oh well... I've destroyed everything, so why not just say to hell with it for now. I got over 200 pounds. All was lost.

Yet, that other voice kept speaking to me - Tomorrow I'll eat better. Tomorrow I'll take a walk. The first of the month will be a fresh start. I don't want to buy too many clothes, because I won't be in this size for long. I WILL get this under control. Yet, I never did - until now. And I wonder if I would even be here now if it wasn't for my husband asking about my thyroid medication. He asked when I last took it. I told him honestly. And that is when he forced me to wake up.  While I was feeling better and better, I wasn't to the point of 'admitting' where I had been. I don't know when or if I would have ever broken out of it on my own. I was that ashamed to go to the doctor to admit my failure. They were sooooooooo proud of me. I beat the odds. I did it when so many cannot. I somehow wanted to get better BEFORE going back to the doctor.... but with a nearly non-functioning thyroid? How did I forget how debilitating it was for me?

And, the - husband, doctor, etc ARE terribly disappointed in me, but not with what I was afraid of - they are disappointed and worried that I totally threw away my health over pride of, at that time, a few pounds - well, fewer pounds. 30 pounds is FAR less than 75!!!! My fear of letting people down was that strong which is so completely stupid. And I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself.

My new strategy is that I will make my husband my watch dog. If he notices habits sliding, I have to promise that I will call my doctor to get on an antidepressant as, I think I can know from a few lessons now, it's the depression that does it to me. I won't say, "I'll try harder." Or, "Yes, I know, I'm trying."  I will promise to really address the issue - which is depression. I'm already trying to do better with the Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD), but if I feel/sense or my husband does, then I have to admit it and deal with it. There is no shame in that. The shame is in ignoring it.

I think that is the key to never sliding again - not allowing myself to get deeply depressed.