Size astonishment

Today I am wearing a skirt and shirt I have not been able to wear for 6 years. I found them in my closet during my closet shopping spree the other day. They have been packed away in a storage container all this time. I meant to finally ditch these containers last winter, but didn't get to them before the end of year purge I was doing in the house. Now I'm super glad I didn't get to them as I have a whole wardrobe to choose from as I continue to inch my way down. I need to get some more in between clothes, but found quite a few things.

One skirt I found was a favorite. I probably didn't ditch it even though I know it had gotten to loose to wear because it was a favorite. It was a "Melissa thing" as I like to call them. It's skirt that fits my personality. I remember loving this skirt and I remember dropping more weight back then so that this was too loose. That's why I can wear it again as it was an in between size. It feels more thrilling to wear it again, because I had all but given up hope that I would ever have control over my sugar demons again enough to drop a significant amount of weight.

I just looked some more through the clothes for current season items. I had skipped over somethings in my initial search as I didn't expect any larges to fit. I was a 2X. How can a large fit me? Well, after doing some local shopping to replace a few shirts, I had to change my plan. I was finding that several shirts I thought would fit as large were too loose. I exchanged them as larges to find many of them fit. I had gotten a lot smaller than I realized!

So, shopping closet shopping round 2. Now, a LOT of the things in this closet are too small for me and might always be. I had gotten to my lowest adult weight ever and my fittest ever with working out intensely 6 days a week. I could not maintain it. My goal now is to be healthy and to eat for what I feel I can sustain for eating. What I did last time was great in many ways as I learned so much about my needs for eating, etc., but I lost my ability to be moderate and in the end, that was devastating.

This is all about health for me, but sugar addiction is fierce. If I need to weigh than what doctors say is ideal for my body, it is better to weigh more and to be able to keep my sugar demons in check. It is better to be able to keep the level of activity sustainable. 

I got so unbelievably frustrated when I was so close to my artificially created goals and got sideswiped by several overuse injuries. It took me some hard knocks, but I while I feel fitness is important - that it's not about just the weight on the scale, there is also a level that causes physical harm and takes a mental toll trying to keep up with it. New goal is to live an active lifestyle. That means walking, biking, hiking, etc. I just need to keep moving and that will have to be good enough for fitness as doing anything more than that is not maintainable for me. Not now and maybe not ever.

Right now I'm able to deal with the demons quite easily because I'm taking metformin which is suppressing my appetite. As my sugar levels regulate even more, allowing my weight to approach a healthy level, I will probably be told to stop taking metformin. That or my body will adjust to it. This ease of weight loss and sugar control is a huge gift to my health right now. I don't want to have to battle this again to this degree.

Here's hoping I learned some new skills to controlling sugar and if I find I'm stuggling again to seek medical help immediately. I was trying to beat these demons by will power. I can't. My body just can't deal with the extra weight and remain healthy. So, seeking help when needed with either antidepressants or whatever they recommend is what I need to do.

So... some photos. Like aways, these are raw, non glamour shots.First the skirt and top I can now fit comfortably. Second the biking shirt. As you can see, still new with tags. I got it, loved it, but then gained weight. It's snug (as all biking shirts are snug), but it is wearable! I guess I didn't completely too away the $70 I paid for this. Ironically, it doesn't go too shabbily with this skirt.

3 months post stroke

I write so sporadically that it hardly makes sense to write, but once in awhile I just need to open up and let it out. Now is one of those times.

Writing is a difficulty for me right now with a stroke. My brain wants to go at two speeds and it's not good at letting me know when I'm going too fast! What happens is that one side of my brain says, "what stroke? Just write dammit!" The other side of my brain says, "Woah, woah, woah, hold up. Did you hear me? Dude. Seriously, slow down! No? OK, I'll skip a word here and jumble this here," etc.

That this is the main problem I'm having. With some apps, I can catch most of my writing errors. It slows me down a bit, but I'll get used to this new routine.

What I wanted to comment on though was these phases of healing. First, I was in a sort of denial. I knew it happened but was too raw to think about it. I just wanted to be able to think properly and to read. Then, as that was getting better, it was the feeling of despair, terror, hope, anger and so on. I would cycle through dozens of emotions a day. I had many days I just wanted to die. I wished I had died during the stroke. I didn't want to live this new reality. And, honestly, if I knew of a way to die where I wouldn't have burdened Sven and my kids, I would have planned for it. I did not want to be a diminished me.

It has now been 13 weeks and my head is in a much better space as I can see a diminished me still has value, but I still cycle through tremendous emotions. So much of my world is completely the same. I can now drive, go to work, teach Henry, make meals, etc. But I'm not the same me and I never will be.

It isn't like an illness where I will get better. I have forever damaged my brain. It will never be the same. Sure, I will improve and I will probably forget a life of the old me, but this isn't a scar that will fade. It's not just a mark. Part of my brain has died. That has changed me forever and since this is not how my brain was laid out or circuited to run, it can get better and make new connections, but it will never be as good as it was before. And that is the part that I'm having to deal with now. How do I say to myself, "this new me is good enough" when I constantly sense that I'm not as good as the old me in any way.

That is the part that I am having a hard time with now. I'm working, I'm driving. I'm being a fully active participant in my life, but I am mourning the Melissa I was.

And then I am sad because I knew I was mistreating myself too... and I couldn't break free from the cycle of my own self-abuse until I severely damaged myself. And the reality right now I'm also dealing with, is that maybe by damaging myself so severely, perhaps I save myself from an even worse reality.

I know I'm not unique in that. I think that is why I get so deeply saddened at hearing about celebrity suicides, drinking, etc. We all are trying to cope with the world and while I don't think it's easy for anyone, I think some of us got dealt a more difficult hand.

And then I sound to myself like a wuss. But I am pleading mercy. Yes, some people have harder lives than I do, but I'm doing the best I can and obviously, sometimes I have a very hard time dealing with life.

I am not feeling that right now. Right now I'm feeling, "Melissa, why did you neglect your health?" Look at you now? I've lost a not of weight in a few months, you are exercising regularly, you feel good. You are happy and content most of the time. How were you so low?  I've had these episodes my whole life. I can hope I'll never be there again, that hasn't been my reality.

Making our own choices about life and death

First, NO ONE WORRY! I am not suicidal. I've just been around a lot of people at end or near the end of life and I just experienced a life changing event that has me thinking about life and death and illness. Then just today I saw this article that has me thinking more.

On the day of stroke, I got admitted to the hospital the same day my mostly estranged mom got taken to the hospital for what we thought was a stroke. There is no history of stroke in my family, so it that was so weird timing. Turns out my mom did not have a stroke, but she was incredibly confused. After many tests and screenings - while I was dealing with my own medical emergency, we learned that my mom couldn't be released as they suspected dementia. Days and events later, we learn that my mom at 70 years old has Alzheimer's disease and it was probably caused by years of poorly controlled diabetes.

Add this all up as you can image a whole lot of thought was happening about my own battles and my own future.

Also, I live with an 82 year old woman, my mother in law. She is a psychiatrist and a neurologist. So, than means she knows exactly what is gone on with me my brain. She knows details... but  she couldn't help Sven while I was in the hospital because she doesn't know where to find things in the kitchen or how to prepare meals. She wanted to be helpful, but she doesn't know how to be helpful in tasks anymore. Her world is very small. She knows how to drive to and from our house, the mall a mile from us, and her doctor's office. She doesn't cook, she doesn't load the washer or dryer, nor does she do anything outside of this. This woman who is very intelligent and skilled is a shell of her former intellectual self.

For all my adult life I have been pretty clear about my thoughts on death and dying. Being able to choose my own timing of death, if allowed by law is really, really important to me. I don't think I should be able to have a voice in any one else's end of life decisions, but mine should be MY choice - Period.

So today I read this article that is basically saying my thoughts.... if I don't feel life is worth living any more - whatever and whenever that is, and I can pass the mental health criteria, I should be allowed to die.

I've had time to think of this because I could have died from this stroke. I could have survived, but wished I hadn't. Again... what is considered "livable" is so individual, like that doctor said in this article, he chose where his line in the sand was for what was he considered tolerable living and what wasn't. 

It gets so tricky when it's declining mental capabilities. The doctor in this article was mentally "there". Look at his sweatshirt - Aging Disgracefully - his mind was there, it's the rest of his body has given out. My mother in law has said since I've known her that she would rather die than lose her mental abilities, but she no longer is aware of her decline. Possibly, if she were to travel back in time to see where she would be  at 82, she might have decided to end it... or maybe not. She enjoys meeting with her friends, having dinner with us, watching her tv shows and experiencing life. Isn't that a life worth living?

I just hope I have a choice. Not to die prematurely and to enjoy my life until I don't find it enjoyable any longer.

Starting again... and not in a good place

I am not going to to into all the details now - that time will come, but I decided to continue with this blog as it's the whole story. There are lots of gaps, but this whole journey of trying to be fitter and living healthier is here... me trying to fight my demons over and over again.

And I'm emotionally tired.  My fear is that I will die prematurely from these demons as I cannot keep it all under control.

There is literally only one more avenue I can think of that even has a glimmer of hope for me for finding longer success in beating these demons and that is using antidepressants for my seasonal affect disorder. I'm pretty sure I need them now too as I'm miserable. I am NOT dealing well with the new world I find myself in. I can find no joy in nearly anything. I can't eat what I want. I don't even want to eat anything as the food is making me hate even thinking about food. I'm trapped at home or on my bike. My life goes between therapy appointments for my stroke and home. I don't ever recall feeling this low for this long. My life is  cleaning cat vomit or poop, teaching my son some units of English or Geography and avoiding my mother in law whenever she is home. And my my patience for ANYTHING right now is zilch. And because I'm not myself and gloomy and miserable, no one wants to be around me, so I'm more lonely and miserable.

Inching towards the end of October

My "test weekend" is coming up (first weekend in November is always a conference that trips me up). But, it has gotten easier to steer away from the carbs. When I'm hungry I eat and when I get hungry enough to eat, I keep it lowish carbs by grabbing a cheese stick or some nuts.

And, it's working. I am NOT counting calories. I am NOT trying to limit how much I eat to a degree. When I say that I "AM" controlling what I eat, I am. I am not just eating whatever, but I'm making sure to only eat when I'm hungry, not getting too hungry, but I don't stuff myself. I enjoy my food and stop when I know I've had enough. If I am still hungry 30 minutes later, I eat more. I tell myself that it's better to eat that extra slice of cheese or protein bar than it is to give into the donuts or the chips. THAT is what is helping me - I'm realizing I need something and if I don't eat something, I know that means I will eventually grab something that starts a downward spiral. It's much better to eat an extra 200-300 calories in a low carb, satisfying snack than it is for me to deny my hunger and then eat 1000 calories or more in Oreos later.

My need for carbs, for now, is diminished too. I have been dealing with those temptations much more easily. Could change tomorrow, but for now, it's true.

And to see "how much damage" eating low carb and for hunger has caused - meaning... I'm not restricting and eating more than I would if I were restricting to X calories, I realize my hunch is right (so far)... I am losing weight - which isn't even a goal. My goal is to just get through this tough time of year and not gain MUCH over the fall/winter.... But, the scale is down 6 pounds for the last 3 weeks. And, no that is not "it's a new diet loss" either. I started eating lower carb the beginning of July... who knows how much I lost between then and the end of September - My clothes are fitting better and I can wear some things I couldn't "again", but it's not feeling like WORK because I'm not restricting... I had just gotten so carbed up that my caloric intake had gotten out of balance with my hunger.

Who knows where I'll stabilize, but if this keeps up, I'll believe that perhaps I found my secret to success (I barely dare to believe it)... don't worry so much about calories - just where those calories come from and if I do that, the damage done will be FAR, FAR less than just giving in to the carb monster. Still 20 pounds over where I was last end of October though, but I it's a snail's race... a lifelong race.

Just how to deal with times I can't control my food for longer periods of time. The next few days my younger son and I will go on a trip to Philadelphia. Then... in the beginning of November I go to a conference where I have even less control over my food... Thanksgiving is fairly easy as I make a LOT of delicious low-ish carb dishes I adore. Christmas is fairly easy too if I don't do much baking (and I haven't done much the last few years)... New Year's we've adjusted by making it a cheese fondue with veggies... It's these "trips" that derail me more than ANYTHING... while fall is hard and that compounds problems, each time I've fallen off the wagon with limiting carbs has been while on a trip or at a conference in the fall. Heck... even our vacation to Croatia 5 years ago did me in... but it was still summer, so I was able to get it back together at least temporarily before I got derailed in the fall (after going to a conference).

The good news - more and more places are picking up on the "low carb" lifestyle, so getting a satisfying meal that is low carb is easier, but quick/cheap meals that are low carb is still difficult.

And still chugging - test will come in November

I am definitely feeling the desire for more food and more sleep as the summer closed out and fall began. My heart last Sunday sank when it realized that waking at 6:15 am now meant waking in blackness too. The seasons fly by me even faster as my life is fuller and busier. I feel like summer foods and eating just started and yet, we are having to go back to our fall standbys of brussels sprouts and store tomatoes already as the apples and pumpkin spice everything roll in.

The last two years where I had lots of good losses on the scale in summer, I tried to keep up with the same pattern of eating and loss... which lead to 30 pound weight gains both winters as I couldn't keep it up. I would get too hungrier and sleepy and that makes me want sugars and eventually and gradually I would go from allowing one sweet a day, to 1500-2000 calories a day of sugar (or more).

As I stated last time, my goal is not to try to keep up with the same level of restriction, because I've learned I can't manage that. My goal is to keep my carb level low. So, if I want to eat more, I choose low carb foods for that "extra". The hope, is that perhaps I'll see no weight loss, but maybe also no weight gain or minimal weight gain. When you eat low carb foods you don't get the insulin spike which then makes you want to eat even more. Carbs start that vicious cycle for me of ramping up more and more sugar highs that are really hard for me to  "come off" carbs in spring/summer. This year it took until July. The year before that it was late May.

How am I doing so far? So far so good. I did step on the scale the other day out of curiosity and my guess of my weight was correct. I've gone up and down so many times and no what clothes fit when so well, that it's easy to know.  I've lost some weight as some clothes are significantly looser and some that were too tight are fitting now... which is great as I feel better, but I'm not going to get stuck on looking at numbers. Goal is STRICTLY to keep low carb and not worry about weight and see where it leads me - while adding in more movement to my days too.

The movement part was going great with daily walks, until I sprained my foot and "slightly" sprained my ankle almost 2 weeks ago. I had to stay completely off my feet for 5 days and ice it, but after that I started moving around a bit and after 10 days took a walk... I'm about back to normal. I even did some jump rope with the kids in Sunday School this past Sunday.

I created a "junk drawer" of low carb snacks too - roasted almonds, roasted peanuts, 3 different kinds of low carb protein bars and a low carb shake mix and in the fridge apples, cheese sticks and in the pantry, peanut butter. At dinners I skip the starch or don't even serve it. I'll eat a protein and veggies. My treat for the night is one square of dark chocolate.

I really have no idea of what my caloric intake is... It varies from day to day. Yesterday was around 1500 I think, day before was about 1300, probably the day before that was around 1900.

The real test for keeping it low carb will be the beginning of November - THREE TIMES now I've gotten derailed the first weekend of November and it started the downward spiral. So, that I'm seeing success now is great, but that isn't new for me... I was able to keep it low carb (though more difficulty)... November is the trick.

I've also considered have one day every 2-3 week "carb day" as staring at all the yummies and never having them is REALLY hard, but I don't know if I can handle it or not. So, for now. I'm not going that route. For when I do want a treat/snack, I'll try a few things I've discovered that have a hint of sweet, but are low carb enough to not spike me. Like rolled oats with almonds or pecans and a bit of brown sugar and butter baked over sliced apples (with skins on) and topped with a bit of slightly sweetened whipped cream. Kind of like this:

Way too long - but I still try to plug along

I am here. You are probably are not! So... what's the deal with me?

Well, last year when I got back into this (some time in May) I started great. I was doing great. Fall hit... I started to slip. Winter hit, really slipped. Slipped all through spring getting worse and worse... and then when it was FINALLY full swing summer, I finally got my act together.

This season fluctuation for me is either worse, or my life is such that I handle it worse - I think it's the latter.

So... I decided I needed to try something different as I couldn't have half a year of doing great and half a year of doing horribly.  (and last year it was more than half a year of doing horribly!) I had to really find what are the big issues I have and find better ways of dealing with them as what I was doing - being near perfect and being healthy to falling completely off the wagon and falling back on all terrible habits was horrible for my health. And to figure out WHY I was failing so much....

What I know about myself - without a doubt:

1. I am a carb addict.
2. Carbs are terrible for my blood pressure, mood, and make we gain weight AND make me congested so I snore and therefore get worse sleep, which then leads me to wanting to eat more carbs.
3. My ability to cope with good habits are extremely seasonally influenced. I can and do eat well and move well in late spring, summer, and early fall. I feel horrible, eat horrible, and give up in late fall, all winter, and early/mid spring.
4. I am more tired in Fall and winter (I must have been an animal who hibernated in a former life).
5. I am more hunger in fall and winter (you know... have to bulk up to survive the winter hibernation!)

And this is what I have tried to do in the past:

1. Get really good habits going by limiting carbs.
2. Move more to dull the depressive state of fall/winter with SADD.
3. Daily weighing in to keep motivated and stay on target (as that has been a good motivator - for when I'm doing well).
4. Try to stay in the "losing" column as I am overweight and I don't like being overweight and it's not healthy for my body.
5. Exercising in some way to keep the nibble "bug" out of my head.

Well, obviously, something I was doing (repeatedly) wasn't working if I couldn't keep it up. I needed to figure out a new plan. Plans needed to be more forgiving and more accepting of my tendencies... fall/winter is hard... I want to eat more. I am more tired. I am wanting to give up more easily and quite literally say, "fuck it" to myself.

Now, fortunately, I haven't COMPLETELY given up since I started out with trying to live healthier 6 years ago. While I keep yo-yoing tremendously, I still feel I can do this (need to do this) and I haven't come to getting back to my top weight. I "think" I didn't get close to my last year's top weight either because clothes I wore last year fit with more "ease" this year than when I bought them last year. So, as much as I struggle.... I am, overall, in a better place than I was 6 years ago. It's just finding a better way.

So, my plan has shifted. I have no idea if it will work, but I hope it does as I learn more about myself. Here's what I'm doing.

1. I am trying to steer mostly clear from sugars/carbs. And if I eat them, I try to make them potatoes as for some reason, my blood sugar doesn't spike with potatoes.
2. I am not weighing myself. I haven't stepped on a scale in 3/4s of a year.
3. I try to eat for hunger and try to make choices that will fill me long term- fat and protein, not carbs.
4. When I want a snack... even though I "probably" have had enough calories for the day to break even, I allow myself a protein/fat snack, not a carb snack. 
5. I am admitting to myself right now that I should concentrate on staying away from carbs more than anything else. I should not be concentrating on losing weight to "get back into those cute clothes". Restricting in spring and summer has worked for me, fall and winter leads to carb craving and caving... which then leads to weight gain - lethargy, snoring, etc.

My hope is that if I can stay away from the carbs, even if it means in eating a bit too much in fall winter in fats/proteins, that they weight gain would be modest in winter (if at all) and that it would be easy to get and stay in better eating modes in spring and summer if I don't have to detox my body of carbs over and over again. That, the overall trend would be to lose weight, but at a slower pace. Like, Lose 10-15 in spring summer, gain 5-7 in winter, lose 10-15 in spring/summer, etc... That is much better than what I had been doing - losing 30 in summer, gaining 30 in winter, etc.

If it were just about the weight, I would be annoyed with these HUGE swings year to year, but it's not just the weight. The weight is the least of it. It's that I get so sad... and lethargic... and my blood pressure goes up and my blood sugars go out of balance and I start to snore which not only disturbs my husband, but disturbs my sleep too and it is 100% related to eating too many carbs. I MUST keep that carb count low for my health - mental and physical.

It's only September, but I have been doing this plan for the last 2 months. I know I've lost weight as I can see it in my face and see it in my clothes, but I have no idea with the weight loss is. I don't want to know, actually as I don't want to see that I'm "failing" at more weight loss as winter approaches. I am concentrating on moving more and eating few carbs PERIOD.

Like yesterday, I have had a very stressful week. I had little sleep (due to a stressful week) and I wanted to EAT. I really wanted to have carbs... instead, I stopped and got a chicken sandwich and fries for lunch (taking off the bread). It was good... satisfied my "fuel" need and it was so filling that I didn't need dinner last night - except for some salted tomatoes (yum!)... in the end, I probably broke even with calories yesterday, but more, I didn't eat the insulin boosting carbs my body REALLY wanted and therefore, ate FAR few calories than I would have for the day and didn't start that carb roller coaster I cannot manage.

I hope this approach will work. I need it to work as I'm tired of feeling tired... and worn out... and beaten up half the year and I blame the carb monster telling my brain that all I need to fix that lethargy is CARBS... it is such a temporary fix... but in fall/winter/early spring, my brain believes it! And once I start, the addiction is renewed and fiercer than ever.

Sizing and fit

We are all built very, very differently and I think those differences in build get exaggerated when you add extra weight in fat. Some people gain weight all over, well distributed. Some gain weight more in their butt, or gut, or bust, etc. I gain all over, but as I age, my middle section sees more and more of the weight gain and the weight loss, but I am lucky in that I have a fairly well-proportioned build, but I have a round rib cage and large breasts.

Currently, I have lost 50+ pounds, but I still am 40 pounds overweight. I'm in no rush. I'm taking one day at a time and just try to make good decisions for my health and my body. With good decisions, the weight should keep working itself down. But I am an overweight woman, so I expect that my clothing size should reflect that, but... amazingly, I don't wear plus size clothing in American clothing stores. Depending on the manufacturer, I wear between a 12-16. Most things that look good on me for my age and for my style, I wear a size 14 - that's in Calvin Klein, Jones New York, Ralph Lauren, etc. When I was at my thinnest I was just getting into size 8s in those same manufacturers, but realistically, a size 10 (12 in dresses) is my current ideal size at my ideal weight.  MIND YOU... that is in 2015. That same weight at 18 had me wearing 16s and needing to go to the plus size section when I was NOT overweight, but I am built large.

So, I deal with the inflated sizes. I don't get hung up on numbers and what they should or could be, but I do try to give reality checks to people who say plus size models who wear a 14 are not really plus sized - this may or may not be true depending on their body build, but for MOST people who aren't 6 feet tall with a large frame, a size 14 in today's sizes is differently plus sized.. UNLESS they are talking about European sizes. And now that makes me wonder, when I watch Project Runway, are they talking about pattern sizes or common sizes we see in the stores.

UK sizing (at least that I can see from my very anecdotal evidence) hasn't changed with vanity sizing.  At least I "think" US and UK sizing used to be the same - at least the same for me in my comparison to sizes I wore at 18 and at 43 at the same weight. In US sizing I wear a L/XL or 14 as the most typical size. 1X and 2X I swim in them. At my top weight (60 pounds heavier than I am now) I wore 2X (getting snug). In UK sizing? I currently wear a 3X. And really? that seems accurate to me. If I (a person who naturally is bigger by bone structure) have 40 extra pounds on me and look fluffy, I should not be wearing non-plus size clothing. I should be wearing 3X - not to make me feel bad, but for it to be an accurate reflection of range of sizes of people... There should not be a size of 000 to make up for the size of 0 of yore. Triple zero as a size???? Yes, there are people naturally that small and it's ridiculous to have sizes 000, 00, and 0.  Don't believe me? Check it out from JCrew's website.

That leads me to a dress I just bought. I am running desperately short on good clothes in this size for work, so I've picked up a couple new skirts and dresses at TJMaxx and Marshalls - all size 14s.  I wanted to get something special for our winter festival, so I did a search and found this on Modcloth. With a 30% off coupon, it was reasonably priced (found a matching sweater elsewhere as I would FREEZE in such a dress in winter): 

Now, I think I'm built very similarly (and similarly sized) to the model with white-ish hair (just not as hip, for sure). But I was skeptical if this 3X dress would fit. I thought it might be too small based on some review that the bust and arms are small for size. Fortunately, for fit on me, the waist is too big (I have the belt on the tightest hook and there is a good inch or more "extra' at the waist and the bust darts are SLIGHTLY too small and press me in a bit, but nothing terrible.  I'm still waiting for the sweater to arrive, but the dress came yesterday. Yep. 3X.

Remember, I don't get all dolled up for photos - This is Melissa au natural. I combed my hair for ya, and that's it.

If I didn't follow their size recommendations, I could have gotten the XL and cried, but instead I can realize that I am the size that I am and it's plus size and I need to forget the number and just buy what fits and in this case, that's a 3X.

Now about fit. There is this "thing" now of Rockabilly dresses in plus sizes. I think it's cute, but it's not overly flattering for fuller figures, imo. I think I look much bigger in this dress than I do in my every day clothes, but I will decide if I keep it or not once the sweater arrives and I can try it with that... Also wondering if I should go ALL out and wear a crinoline skirt under it (I have one in the basement). It's a non-stretch, crisp cotton fabric (wrinkled straight from the packaging it was shipped in).

So, I decided to weigh myself

Just when I said I wasn't going to, I did. I got curious. And... it's all good! I'm actually down a pound from where I was the last time I weighed myself which was about 6 weeks ago. AND that was with a couple of date nights out and two conferences - one of which I totally didn't watch what I was eating.

And there has been other bigger eating days, but, it seems, I've balanced it out to neither really gain or really lose as a 1 pound loss is basically holding steady. THAT is a huge, huge success for me. That means I'm finding a balance! Yay Melissa!

But... when I stepped on that scale and realized that I was actually doing what I thought I was doing (finding a balance) that gave me extra motivation (at least for now) to do more. I could  make it to under 200 pounds by new year's if I stick to it. And my goal, ultimately is to just stay under 200 forever - ideally getting to 175, but for health and mobility reasons, at least keeping it to under 200.  That would also get me fitting into more of my clothes that are all packed up and unwearable!

I think I decided to step on the scale when I pulled out a skirt from the wardrobe that I thought would be too tight, but found, actually it fit perfectly or almost too loose. Then I knew for sure I wasn't gaining even a little bit as I had tried that skirt a couple months ago. I knew it meant I was holding steady or slightly losing.

It might give me the extra motivation to stick to better food choices during thanksgiving and Christmas season. Who knows. I want to enjoy my Thanksgiving weekend meals, but perhaps I'll skip the desserts to eat the meal.

I'm dealing with a "possibly" new food issue too. That I'll detail more tomorrow!

How I've decided to handle fall/winter - my blue months

I have decided that for the fall and winter - when I struggle DAILY with making good decisions and with fighting off the blues that I will not weigh myself daily or weekly or even regularly. I will just do the best I can do each and every day. That might mean that once winter is over that I have 10-15 pounds to lose, but that is better than gaining the 50 pounds I did last year. This is a lifelong journey - not a race.

So, I have no idea where I am with the weight. I don't want to know because I don't want any weight gain to depress me. And don't get me wrong - I could be losing weight too or holding steady. I have no idea. I do know I am making good decisions most days and most meals. I have not gone up in any clothing size. I'm solidly in a 14 in most brands and most clothes. (I was topping out - meaning they were getting tight a size 18 in May).

I am hungrier in Fall/Winter, so my caloric intake has gone up from where it was this summer, but I try to keep it so that I'm satisified, not super hungry. If I start to feel super hungry, I eat something and I try to make it a good choice food for me - meaning something that doesn't spike my blood sugar. Today I was out at an outlet mall. All there was for food was a vending machine. I was so proud of myself for choosing the roasted peanuts from all the offerings there. It held me until dinner where no candy bar or chips ever would for about the same amount of calories.

Some days are better and easier than others and I pat myself on the back for having a good day, but I don't beat myself up for having a difficult day. I just try to do better the next day. As I said... it's not a race and it's about lifestyle change. SLOWLY getting there!

Something different - my passions and how they drive me

I am a person who is driven by passions. My passions shift and change, but I usually have something (or somethings) I'm passionate about.  When I was in college, I was passionate about student life and student leadership. I was involved in a lot of things (though paled in comparison to some wunderkinds (wunderadults?) like Peter Adamson - still in aw of you!!!). So, I got married, went into the field of higher education and dove into my career (with a one year baby break in there). I was rising within the field. I was passionate about helping young adults transition to adulthood. I loved that career I really did, but then it ended. The passion started to die because I had a bad supervisor (after having a great one in the same position). I learned so much about how important WHO you work with is. A job could go from great to horrible just like that.

Also the passion waned because we moved, (more than once), my contacts and references got old and any interest I still had, I lost after that. I didn't have it in me to start at the low wrung of this field AGAIN to start over and I don't think I would have been rehired into the field either. So, then I was stuck.

During that time, I had another child, one with special needs, that did suck a lot of the extra whatever, out of me. I didn't have a passion any more. As my younger child was getting older, I needed to get back to work - for me - and for our family's economic stability, but what to do? My husband asked, "Well, what are you passionate about?" And I said, "Nothing. I just want to work." I got into baking for awhile and making cakes for people, but I couldn't make an earning with it and I definitely didn't have the mega talent to make it big on my own like one of these big time cake decorators. Plus, as much as I loved it, it also added a lot of stress (as cake as a medium is finicky!)

I just didn't know what I wanted to do. I was really enjoying teaching Sunday School at our ethical society and being on the Sunday School committee. I liked working with people and with kids and adults. I enjoyed helping build community and planning events. I was enjoying Ethical Culture period. I enjoyed the community so much. Then, a part-time Sunday School director position came available which was perfect timing for me. I could build my resume and get fresh references. Win. What I found though was that I absolutely loved it. It fed me. I became quite passionate about lessons and spending time with our children and passionate about growing the community and passionate about spreading the word about what we did, etc. That got me to looking at completing an elementary education degree, but that didn't appeal as much. I didn't like the confines of teaching (and it's what kept me out of it 20 years earlier too). But what?

Then I got lucky again as a full time job opened up to do the Sunday School thing. It was a dream come true practically and it's been a wonderful jump back into full-time work. The last year I've been learning this job and about this culture and I'm just as passionate about it now as then. This summer I went to a conference for Ethical Culture and I was so inspired. I felt (and still feel) such hope for the movement (still so small, but currently in a spike of energy and growth) and I want to do more. I have found a passion and it feels good. The Ethical Culture people, by and large, are my people and I want to continue my career within this group, if possible.

I don't know where or what that will lead to, but in a bit over a week I'm going to an ethical education conference and I'm excited about it. I just volunteered to be a curator for an organization wide video project too. It feels good and I hope this passion to help the movement grow and become more significant continues because for me, being passionate about something, makes me better at doing something. I'm not perfect about it, for SURE, but I think my enthusiasm not only drives me, but it pushes other people to do more too. And it's such a great movement.

Here's from an article by Randy Best, Leader of the Ethical Humanist Society of the Triangle,

For Felix Adler, human Worth and human rights are paramount. Everyone deserves to have their inherent worth respected and to be treated with dignity and compassion.

Adler’s Ethical concerns focused on right action – how to treat others and act to improve the human condition. He felt that the best way to explore these issues was in community.

Adler believed that exploring ethical ideals and acting for social justice led to improved social conditions and positive personal transformation.

Felix Adler’s maxim, Act so as to Elicit the Best in Others and thereby Elicit the Best in Yourself, contains the idea that personal development is fully realized through relationships with others.

Our sense of meaning and purpose is enhanced by our ethical connection to others.

Community examination of Ethical Ideals and Aspirations allows us to strive for a fuller expression of our human experience.

I guess I'm writing about it because it's making me a happier person to have something drive me. I feel better over all and when I feel good, I make better decisions. So, for now, it's helping keep the winter blues away too... so all of this is to say in a way, being passionate about something in life leads to a better life and that for me, also means taking better care of myself.

This addiction battle

It's winter(ish) for my brain. I am feeling the sluggishness kick in. I am feeling the difficulty in doing things that two months ago I would have zipped through. Winter blues are here - boo-hiss!!!

But also, I am fighting terribly  the urge to eat carbs. Today was a very difficult emotional day. I had an IEP meeting for my 5th grader, autistic son... Seeing how the school and the teachers are at a complete loss in how to teach my son... Hearing about his anxiety driven behaviors... Realizing that we need to back track and start over with the IEP with all new approaches and new goals and needing many more IEP meetings..., and possibly just skipping all of that and realizing he needs to be homeschooled... All of that put me in a very bad head space. I quite literally left the school, teary-eyed, and wanting to eat. I wanted to eat gobs of stuff - sweet stuff - empty calorie carby stuff. Why??? Because for about 1 hour I will feel a boost to my mood and energy. For that short little window I will feel better.

The hour after? CRASH... and even more fatigue and even more blue - unless I allow myself another quick fix.

I was able to stave it off. I didn't eat (I had already had lunch). I drank a sparkling water instead. This time I was able to talk my brain into sense.

Next time? Will I have a voice of reason tomorrow?

If there were a pill to keep me from being tempted by the carbs for these quick fixes, I would take it.

This is why I was a human yo-yo the last few years. This is why I will be fighting this battle the rest of my life. I've been "good" for 5 months. Seems nearly impossible to imagine being on top of this addiction to sugars for 5 years, yet that is what I'm striving to do... more like 50 years if I'm super lucky.

Developing a healthier weight loss mindset and high carb day effects

And I am kind of surprised by it actually. I am not needing to write here as much. I am not needing to post on the weight loss forum as much. And I'm sticking with the program pretty closely.

There are days it's easier and days that it's more difficult, but I'm less obsessed about needing to seeing losses daily and less obsessed with NEEDING to see the scale every day.

I know if I keep doing what I'm doing, it will result in a loss on the scale eventually. I can't really do much more than I'm doing except up my exercise and what I'm doing is already resulting in losses, so all of that would be bonus.

I'm finding the mindset of thinking about the scale less is freeing. In the past I needed that check in to stay on my regime. I knew I would pay for indulgences and get rewarded for sticking to the program.

When I started this current journey, I just wanted it to be quick. I had gained the weight quickly, I wanted to be rid of the weight quickly.

I still have 35 pounds to go, but I've already lost nearly 55. I feel better. I look better and it's ok if it takes me awhile - as long as the trend is in the right direction and overall I'm making good choices.

This past month was mostly OK. I had some higher calorie days, but lower carb, so the losses were a bit slower. But I've still seen 5 pounds, so how can that be bad? Then, this last week I had one doozy of a week.

My husband was out of town. Our son was having issues with school. I had a talk to prepare. I have been happily busy at work. and I was dealing with monthly hormones. So, for two days I went on a high carb, high sugar snack fest as the stress caught up with me.

What I noticed with eating so much sugar and carbs in general: I felt lethargic. I felt blue. I felt weird twinges in my gut. I woke up with headaches. I woke up terribly congested. I really "felt" those things and realized that is how I felt almost ALLLLL winter last year and it was awful. I realized it was 100% diet and I had to drop the carbs way back down. I did.

I ate normally for two days after that... stuffiness is gone in my sinuses. Gut feels better with no twinges. No headache. I feel more energetic and happier. (Of course, having my husband home helps with feeling happier too).

Quick fixes for energy boosts - equals feeling bad overall. MUST. NOT. GO. FOR. QUICK. FIXES.

For sure though, my new eating time schedule has made the biggest difference for me. Allowing one meal a day (plus two high fat snacks) really, truly makes it easier to follow the low carb meal plan. Now if only I could make traffic better so that some days I didn't get home after 6:30 pm so that dinner isn't as last as 7:15!


And this picture is true. I'm not going to let the scale determine my happiness. While I do want to lose weight and to be fitter for a healthier me, daily fluctuations shouldn't not make or break my day and sometimes it feels like it will.

Hit a big milestone today!

In the past when there were big time lags in my posting, it meant I had fallen off the wagon (or was on vacation). Well, now with working full time, it means I'm just super busy that I don't even have 15 minutes to spare to write my thoughts!

Fridays are my day off. (which I wasn't even really taking time off recently as I was working to get things up and running at work in a new efficient way - while also trying to get home purged of junk at the same time!) This morning while Hurricane Joaquin is dumping rain on us and otherwise making life feel blah, I have a few moments to collect my thoughts and write before driving my son to class.

Today, I hit 50 pounds lost on this weight loss reboot. That is 62 pounds lighter than my all time high, but it is the 50 NOW that is huge. And it has been easy to lose - which is weird and scary to say as then why did I gain 50 pounds in the last year? It's even worse - between September and mid May of last year, so in 8 months, I gained 54 pounds. That is crazy, ridiculous!!! See how out of control my carb addiction can get me? Ugh!!!

But today, it's celebration day - 50 pounds gone. 4 more pounds and I'll be where I was a smidge over a year ago. I have a bit less than 40 to go. Do your math people - that means I needed to lose 90 pounds.

Yesterday I also ran into a problem - all my tops are too big for me. Last fall/winter I needed to buy a bunch of tops as I had gotten too big for what I had. Well, now that the weather is cooling down, I'm reaching for my tops and I'm finding they are swimming on me. My tops are 2x and a few 3x. I now need an XL. For pants I'm in better shape as I have various sizes all the way up and down - 10s to 18s. I'm now between a 14 and 16 - depending on the cut of the jeans/pants.

I never was at my lowest weights over fall/winter, so I should be about able to wear many things stored in my son's closet for this season, but probably not quite yet. I'll just have to make do with the least baggy big ones and the few smaller ones that I have already. It's a good problem to have. It feels much better than last fall when I was having to go out and buy a few larger pieces - dipping back into plus size clothes after not being in plus sizes for 3 years.

But, things are getting tougher. I'm more tired. I am more tempted by carbs. It's getting much harder to veer away from the quick fixes to boost my energy. I think I got my treadmill desk just in time. I was feeling all sorts of blah yesterday morning (3rd rainy day in a row didn't help) and I got my treadmill desk adjusted, and took off walking. Nearly instantly I felt better - less tired, more energetic and surprisingly, less hungry. The effect was short lived as I was famished by the time I got home and I started to feel blah again in the evening, but that also could be the weather and also the fact that my mother in law was returning after being away on vacation for 2 months.

Today's plan, tidying upstairs and doing some more purging of stuff. I'm trying to make progress, a bit every day that has a few moments. What else can you do on a rainy day???

But 50 pounds - it feels so good!!!

4 months into this reboot

Hello everyone. I am here and I am still with the program, just that work has been super hectic as I totally redid my office, redid all our storage needs for work, etc. It's all good, but it just means I have like zero free time.

I'm still with the program and it's still super easy. With being so busy with physical work at my office job this past week or so, I've also had a lot more movement to my day which is great!

But, my update of 4 months into this reboot. As you recall, I had virtually a zero loss for last month which was surprising as I had been working so hard, but this month I made up for it as all that water I was holding last month was shed quickly as soon as the month rolled over.

Here is how this weight loss compares to a few years ago:



Do you see that HUGE jump from last month to this month???? That's 14.4 pounds. If I were to add in today's weight (which I won't as that counts towards next month, it would be 15.3 pounds). Basically now I'm eyeing that 50 pounds lost as a new mini goal. I should get there this month for sure and probably more.

Treadmill is set to arrive on Monday. Desk for the treadmill will arrive some time next week (the pope being in DC will probably hold that up for a few days). All the peripherals for the set up are sitting in boxes in my office, just waiting to be unpacked and put to use. Yay!!!

Now, off to run errands for work. One more hard, long day and things should settle down a LOT.

Dear fat people thoughts

So, yes, fat shaming is a thing and it's a horrible thing. That's like shaming someone who is suicidal. Or shaming someone who has a drug addiction. Wait... isn't it OK to shame that person? Well ask yourself, do you think that most people get addicted to drugs because they are just bad people or stupid? People who seek drugs to fix problems have mental disorders or chemical imbalances and they use the drugs to self-medicate In a way, food issues are similar. People need to understand that people metabolize food differently, etc. Some of us are more prone to gaining weight than others. Some of us are more likely to have mental battles with food than others and that is chemical related - quite literally the brain telling you to eat sugar (especially) when you don't need it.

In my experience, for me, and for me only can I speak for. I feel I'm most like a drug addict. And I can control my addiction or give into my addiction. Controlling my addiction helps me have better health, better relationships, better mental health, but those temptations are not just temptations, they are chemical wirings in my brain that speak to me to eat  bad things short term that will, in the end, make me feel worse long term. My body is only worrying about short term "feel good" fixes... like a drug. That sugar will boost my spirit, my energy, my mood... for an hour or two... then I need another hit which then leads to this sugar high and crash and leads to all sorts of "icky" lethargic feels, depression, and serious health effects - high blood pressure, blood sugar issues, heart disease, achey joints, etc.

So, my goal is to control my addiction by not feeding into my addiction. I need to monitor my sugar intake so that I can control those "voices" that are brain chemicals telling me I need to eat more sugars. I try to get good sleep and to keep stress low as controlling those factors help me make better decisions. But like all addicts, it's a tightrope walk. I managed for a year, slipped a few months, managed for a few months, slipped for almost a year... and now I'm managing again - always learning new ways to help me deal with my sugar addiction which led to obesity.

And while I say I can only speak for myself, I know I am not alone in this addiction and more and more research is supporting this understanding of why so many of us have a hard time with losing weight and keeping it off. And sugar is everywhere, so managing to constantly say no to the ice cream, cakes, cookies, breads, rice, potatoes, pastas, etc. Is very difficult. And while a non-addict can have a bit meal (or a swig of alcohol) and not feel tempted to have more and more. An addict never knows where the tipping point of when is too much that will lead to a complete falling off the wagon. Do you need to think about that when you eat a small slice of cake or a plate of pasta? I do, every. single. time. Now imagine how hard that is.

So, this new video that is viral about fat shaming is a difficult one for me. If you haven't seen it, here it is:

The comedian is crass, but so are many. That's not my style, but it has it's audience. And I have to say in the beginning, it's not crude, mean, fat shaming. "You are killing yourself" (True). "You are robbing your family from you by not being healthy." (True). Try to make better decisions. (True - though can be hard). It sounds a bit like she shows true concern for the well-being of an obese person (or at least I saw it that way). Later, it devolves into fat shaming - 100%.

As a fat person most of my life, I see how my fatness affects my loved ones. It's not the fat itself, but how it makes me as a person - moodier, tired, depressive, unable to take part in things, etc. And when I'm deep in the throws of the sugar addiction, even when I KNOW how it's affecting my family and my own self, I do not have the power to snap out of it. Shaming me on that makes it even harder for me to get out of those woes.  Loving concern does help.

That is where I have a hard time with the line of what is fat shaming and what is trying to help someone who is struggling with a food addiction.

Yes, 100% that a person has value, all of his or her value as a fat person as a thinner person. BUT... enabling an addict is not helpful. Shaming an addict isn't helpful.

What we need is understanding. Even many fat people don't have understanding or many formerly fat people. I know MANY thin people who used to be fat and some of them think fat people are lazy - all of them. Because now they can say. "I was fat. I got off my butt and started working out. I stopped stuffing my face. So can you." While this is true, it's forgetting how those mental battles work. And, it's assuming that every fat person is the same. We are not. I know why I'm fat and why I struggle. I can speak for me and me alone and even with saying that, it's hard for me to not pass judgement too. It's hard for me to watch people I care about dying slowly by not taking care of their body because that is/was me too.

So, let me say, I do not try to fat shame - now or ever. But I also have a hard time saying, "it's okay to not care about our bodies." I would want a drug addict to kick their addiction, so I would want a food addict to kick his/her addiction. But shaming them won't help. But enabling them to keep destroying their health isn't helping them either. So what do we do?

Empathize. Understand. Trying not to judge. Try not to make assumptions. Forgive.

Self-love is important and crucial. So, I understand the movement to allow and encourage even the extremely obese to show love for themselves and their bodies. My hope is showing that self-love will lead to self-healing and to taking better care of the body (which may or may not lead to weight loss) And why? Because even as this awful video said, "We only get one body."

And what I also don't want to happen (as a backlash to all the fat shaming) is to have people shame or put down obese people who are trying to lose weight (for whatever reason they are doing it). And that is happening! People shaming Melissa McCarthy for giving into the media's fat shaming and trimming down. It's her body!!! Who said she is trimming down to stop the ridicule? She is doing it for HER REASONS! (and as a former Melissa McCall - I would have been proud if ever someone accidentally called me her name instead).

I don't want people thinking I'm giving into the thin is best motto or giving in to fat shaming.  I'm dropping weight and eating healthier and moving more for my health and my mood and for my family because Melissa as a fat person is unhealthy, unhappy, depressed, and not overly nice person to be around. And it's not because I feel the world is shaming me. It's because of the brain chemicals that get messed up by too much sugar in my brain make fat, sugar hopped up Melissa.

My goal is to be healthy for me and for my family. I think that is what we all should be aiming for - our best health  - no matter the size and I think we need to stop ourselves from passing judgment and try to have better understanding of everyone's life struggles - period.