Making our own choices about life and death

First, NO ONE WORRY! I am not suicidal. I've just been around a lot of people at end or near the end of life and I just experienced a life changing event that has me thinking about life and death and illness. Then just today I saw this article that has me thinking more.

On the day of stroke, I got admitted to the hospital the same day my mostly estranged mom got taken to the hospital for what we thought was a stroke. There is no history of stroke in my family, so it that was so weird timing. Turns out my mom did not have a stroke, but she was incredibly confused. After many tests and screenings - while I was dealing with my own medical emergency, we learned that my mom couldn't be released as they suspected dementia. Days and events later, we learn that my mom at 70 years old has Alzheimer's disease and it was probably caused by years of poorly controlled diabetes.

Add this all up as you can image a whole lot of thought was happening about my own battles and my own future.

Also, I live with an 82 year old woman, my mother in law. She is a psychiatrist and a neurologist. So, than means she knows exactly what is gone on with me my brain. She knows details... but  she couldn't help Sven while I was in the hospital because she doesn't know where to find things in the kitchen or how to prepare meals. She wanted to be helpful, but she doesn't know how to be helpful in tasks anymore. Her world is very small. She knows how to drive to and from our house, the mall a mile from us, and her doctor's office. She doesn't cook, she doesn't load the washer or dryer, nor does she do anything outside of this. This woman who is very intelligent and skilled is a shell of her former intellectual self.

For all my adult life I have been pretty clear about my thoughts on death and dying. Being able to choose my own timing of death, if allowed by law is really, really important to me. I don't think I should be able to have a voice in any one else's end of life decisions, but mine should be MY choice - Period.

So today I read this article that is basically saying my thoughts.... if I don't feel life is worth living any more - whatever and whenever that is, and I can pass the mental health criteria, I should be allowed to die.

I've had time to think of this because I could have died from this stroke. I could have survived, but wished I hadn't. Again... what is considered "livable" is so individual, like that doctor said in this article, he chose where his line in the sand was for what was he considered tolerable living and what wasn't. 

It gets so tricky when it's declining mental capabilities. The doctor in this article was mentally "there". Look at his sweatshirt - Aging Disgracefully - his mind was there, it's the rest of his body has given out. My mother in law has said since I've known her that she would rather die than lose her mental abilities, but she no longer is aware of her decline. Possibly, if she were to travel back in time to see where she would be  at 82, she might have decided to end it... or maybe not. She enjoys meeting with her friends, having dinner with us, watching her tv shows and experiencing life. Isn't that a life worth living?

I just hope I have a choice. Not to die prematurely and to enjoy my life until I don't find it enjoyable any longer.

Why vanity makes no sense - really

That last few weeks I've felt rather introspective, but I wasn't sure how to voice it. You see my best friend's mother is dying. She was diagnosed in April with pulmonary fibrosis. She deteriorated rapidly, went to the hospital a week ago and 2 days ago was moved to hospice. All her family is gathered around her to be with her during these last moments. My friend said her mom is ready to go.

This family means a lot to me and they have always been good to me. I know both her parents have struggled a bit with weight and blood pressure. They have been trying to eat healthier and move more, etc. My friend's mom was never seriously overweight and she lived an active lifestyle, but she tried to do better. Yet she is dying from a disease that even the most fit athlete could get - hardening of the lungs. She's basically dying from a slow suffocation as her lungs harden more and more.

As I think about her family gathered around, sharing stories - laughing, crying, and finding closure, I'm sure things that are not on their mind are things like, "if only she had exercised more. Or, if only she was a little thinner." They are thinking about their lives together - their moments. Isn't that what's important?

Now, I'm not saying eating right and exercise and being a reasonable weight are not important. Of course they are! You can't have as many great stories and events to tell if you can't do the things a healthy person can. And, a very unhealthy lifestyle and weight can shorten (and does shorten) our lives.

But do we need to be perfect to be healthy? No. We don't.

So, I look at myself. I am definitely losing the weight for my health and happiness. I am NOT happy when I weigh a lot and I don't feel good and my health deteriorates terribly. I'm not as good a mom or as nice a wife when I eat poorly and feel poorly. I would be lying, however, if I didn't say that I like looking nice. That's why the loose skin bugs me a bit. It does less now than when I first noticed I was getting them as now I realize, "Hey, bat wings or fat arms. Make your choice!" My choice is bat wings. I like cute clothes. I like my thinner face and shapelier body. So, yes, there is some vanity there too, but in the end, "is it reason enough?"

I know many, many people going for those vanity pounds - just for that... vanity. It won't affect their health, but, as it is called, it appeases their vanity to be a bit thinner. They get miserable if they don't get to that desired weight. They claw and fight and go hungry. They skip parties to avoid the food. They worry on vacations and avoid all the cuisine. For what? 10 pounds? They give up some of the joys of life for vanity.

Some day we all die. Do we want to feel we lived a good life? or one "not quite good enough" because we didn't lose those vanity pounds. What memories will that leave for our families after we pass on? "Oh, she was always worrying about gaining 5 pounds!" "Man, remember when she wouldn't try the croissant in France?"

I was there. That was me fighting and clawing from 175 to 165. It took me 6 months to lose those 10 pounds. 6 months of daily exercise of step aerobics, kickboxing, strength training and walking/running. As well as very controlled eating of no more than 1500 calories a day. A vacation of free eating led to several more months of hard, hard work just to try re-lose those vanity pounds. Was it worth it? Maybe my health was marginally better at 165 than 175, but I was miserable - I was tired and I was hungry and I was frustrated at the lack of results. My husband said I was beginning to change in my outlook too. I was too focused on those few pounds, that I lost sight of all the good I had done. And it's true... I had!

I think on that now as I continue on this renewed journey. I'm doing this for my health, for certain, but I no longer have this lofty goal of getting to a perfect weight any more. SURE it would be great to get to 165 or 160, but I'll be happy with 175. I'm not going to go for under 25% body fat... because really, is 26% so much worse? (Which is what it was at 165). I want to be happy and healthy. I don't want to be frustrated about the vanity pounds. I want to enjoy my life while being healthy. I want my family to enjoy me and I want to enjoy them so that when my end comes, they can smile, laugh, and feel the joy as they remember a life well spent.

Hugs and lots of love sent to my friend and her family.