I know. It's been forever and like FOREVER and like forever that I told myself to get back with the program. And I didn't, couldn't. This damned sugar addiction. Truly - the more I try and do, the more I know it's real. No one without some sort of food problem can swing pounds so wildly so quickly.
I'm back to where I started. Actually I'm ABOVE where I started at 40, but not at my all time high by some miracle and really, it was a miracle that I finally STOPPED with the sugar.
I've now had my net carb count down to my acceptable levels for the last 3 days. Day 1: 44, Day 2: 38, Day 3: 30. I "can" have them higher, but I was fine there.
Kicking that need for carbs is hard. It tastes so good and once I start I quite literally cannot stop and I feel sluggish. By day 3, I felt a new energy. My head was in a better place. Now, it could be psychosomatic with my head being in a better place, but the DESIRE to pig out on carbs is already gone. But before 3 days ago? I ate so many carbs and the pounds piled on and I felt horrible, but I couldn't stop.
So, lessons I continue to learn about myself - which I know, but sometimes inconveniently forget. 1. I have seasonal affect disorder - I must get light and I should probably get anti-depressants during winter. I'm finding it mostly manifests itself in neglecting myself more than anything else. The fact that last year at this time (a bit earlier) and this year at this time is when I FINALLY got it enough together in the head to start eating better and moving more. Depression baby!
AND, 2. I absolutely must stay away for sugars. It is way too hard for me to get back with the program if I go off the program. I'm FINE when I'm on it. FINE!!! But, vacations, holidays, etc throw me for a loop and I'm assuming it's like an alcoholic and getting that taste of alcohol again - it's addicting. And carbs temporarily make me feel good - sugar high? But the consequences are long term disastrous.
But I'm on day four and the resolve is strong. I have dusted off my scale and used it. I have dusted off my fitness gizmo and I'm stepping back into it. Hopefully more exercise will come soon as I actually like it, when I'm not hopped up on sugars/carbs.
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
The contempt and judgment of addicts
I am still reflecting on the TED Talk - a wee bit, but more of a jumping off part on how we show a lot of contempt in our society for those we feel don't have control over themselves. We are extremely judgmental.
We judge alcoholics who go back to drinking. Drug addicts who go back to drugs. Overweight people for overeating. Compulsive gamblers for gambling, etc. We, as a society as a whole, say, "you know you can't drink, smoke, gamble, etc, so WHY DID YOU???"
When Phillip Seymour Hoffman died, I felt tremendous sadness for him and his family. Not contempt. In my past, I would have felt contempt. I would have felt and said to myself, "Man... you KNOW you are addicted to that stuff! HOW and WHY did you go back to it? Seriously? How dumb can you be?" And more, I would have thought, "Why in the heck do people try drugs when there is a risk of addiction?"
I remember when Robert Downey, Jr. was strung out. I liked him as an actor, but then lost all respect for him once I found out he was a drug user and addict. I was young and stupid and judgmental. Now... I have so much respect for him for cleaning up his act and getting clean. That is NOT easy and I do worry that at some point something will tip the balance and he will start using again and I won't feel contempt if he does. I will feel sadness for him and hope he can come out again, drug free.
With drugs though, you can at least ask, "why even start taking them?" We all know that they have potential for becoming addictive. We all know they can do bad things, so why start? But see, we have a line in the sand that is artificial. We say that about cocaine and heroine, but what about alcohol, cigarettes, coffee.
Don't we all know that alcohol can be addictive? Yet how many of us abstain from it? Don't we all know that caffeine can be addictive, but do we abstain? Why do we think it's OK to use one and not the other? Are we so meanly judgmental for someone admitting they are addicted to caffeine as we are to someone who says they are addicted to cocaine? Yet addiction is addiction. No one PLANS on becoming an addict. Just some forms of addiction are more harmful than others.
Then there is the contempt for the obese. No obese person wants to be obese. Ok, never say never, but very few people want to be obese! Just like no addict wants to be an addict. If it were so easy to eat less and move more, would we have the obesity epidemic we are having? You can't exactly tell a person, "You know food makes you fat, so stop eating!!!!" Hmmm...
Now, people get fat for a million reasons. Some of it is using food for comfort. Some is just not caring and eating whatever because it tastes good and some of it is just not being able to stop - like an addict is unable to stop.
A lot of people fall into that last category - myself included. Something is compelling us to eat.
For me it was the insulin in my body from the carbs in my diet that were telling me to eat. I cannot describe to you have strongly they "speak". Or how convincing those messages are to the brain are. I am convinced those voices are similar to a drug addict's voices. My brain is tricked into believing it 'needs' it. It says it's hungry. It says I need that cookie. At the same time there is another, weaker voice that is saying, "you've had enough cookies." "Do you know how many calories are in Oreos?"
But the other voice wins. It says, "Eh, eat that bag of Kettle popcorn. It's not that sweet and you can just not eat lunch to make up for it." Or, "OK, you can have as many oreos as you want. You just skip dinner." Yes, sure. Come dinner time I'm starving and eat a huge dinner. By then I'm also mentally worn out with fighting my brain all day to eat right, so I grab more crap in the evening just because I don't want to fight the mental battle any more. Those DAILY mental battles are exhausting. They are there. Every. Single. Day.
And that is why I have empathy for addicts where I used to feel contempt. I am sure that every time that life gets especially hard, that a quick hit is awfully appealing. And I'm sure every, single day they have to tell themselves, "No!" But once... they get weak and give in... and thus starts the downward spiral they might not ever get out from again.
Fortunately, I've found a way of eating that works for me that shuts down those awful voices - for the most part. Or, I should say, makes them the weaker voice - they never go away. I just need to keep the insulin levels low in my bloodstream so that I don't hear those voices loudly to eat more sugar/carbs. And, to help with that, I need to get enough sleep, manage my stress, and manage my depression... Though... I'm not totally sure what causes what - does the bad eating cause depression or does the depression cause the bad eating? It's hard to tease out!
But with that said, I still need to eat. And like with addicts, those temptations will always be around. There will always be birthdays and holidays and snack tables, etc. And even with the voices muted with better eating, they are still there. They are there for everyone. "Oh, I guess a small piece of cake won't hurt." Says the typical person. "I'll just run a bit more today." And it will be just that - the one piece of cake and the run later. With someone who has sugar/insulin issues? That might be the plan, but eating that piece of cake could lead to a whole meltdown.
And that is why I cannot have contempt for the overweight and why I didn't even when I was at my thinnest 2 summers ago. Because I knew I was one cake away from being right back to where I started. That the only thing that separated me being thinner from me being fatter was how strong those voices got to be.
So, sure, you could say to me or any other person with insulin resistance, "Well, you know what sugar does to you, just don't eat sugar!" Really?" We aren't just talking about cake people. We are talking about bread. Like no more sandwiches with bread ever again. We are talking about pasta - no more spaghetti ever again. We are talking about potatoes and rice and such. Now, imagine going out to eat, or having a family holiday dinner without those things? Now do you get it a bit more?
Sure, some people aren't THAT sensitive, but for most of us, we don't know how much is too much to get us into a relapse - temporary or long term. Sometimes we can nip it in the bud after a day or a week or a month. It depends on a lot of other factors. Sometimes we never nip it in the bud again.
And relapse we do. No one had more eyes on her than Oprah Winfrey, but how many times have we seen her go up and down on the scale? How about Kirstie Alley? Or Jessica Simpson? These are people who have the biggest motivation in the WORLD to stay thin and all the money in the world to help them get and stay thin... and they STILL fell to their demons. They aren't weak. Their demons are just very loud and convincing and hard to keep at bay.
So, that means I know. KNOW that this will be a life long battle for me. I knew that 2 years ago. I knew that all the year I was battling the small up and down gains. But then, I gave in because I didn't have the mental stamina to keep fighting the daily choices of eating. And even then, every. single. day. I would say, "Today I'm going to eat better." And again, like the last time, it took a slap in the face from something outside of me to WAKE UP. Like an addict getting arrested - only then does he/she seek help when they had probably been meaning to quit/stop for months.
We judge alcoholics who go back to drinking. Drug addicts who go back to drugs. Overweight people for overeating. Compulsive gamblers for gambling, etc. We, as a society as a whole, say, "you know you can't drink, smoke, gamble, etc, so WHY DID YOU???"
When Phillip Seymour Hoffman died, I felt tremendous sadness for him and his family. Not contempt. In my past, I would have felt contempt. I would have felt and said to myself, "Man... you KNOW you are addicted to that stuff! HOW and WHY did you go back to it? Seriously? How dumb can you be?" And more, I would have thought, "Why in the heck do people try drugs when there is a risk of addiction?"
I remember when Robert Downey, Jr. was strung out. I liked him as an actor, but then lost all respect for him once I found out he was a drug user and addict. I was young and stupid and judgmental. Now... I have so much respect for him for cleaning up his act and getting clean. That is NOT easy and I do worry that at some point something will tip the balance and he will start using again and I won't feel contempt if he does. I will feel sadness for him and hope he can come out again, drug free.
With drugs though, you can at least ask, "why even start taking them?" We all know that they have potential for becoming addictive. We all know they can do bad things, so why start? But see, we have a line in the sand that is artificial. We say that about cocaine and heroine, but what about alcohol, cigarettes, coffee.
Don't we all know that alcohol can be addictive? Yet how many of us abstain from it? Don't we all know that caffeine can be addictive, but do we abstain? Why do we think it's OK to use one and not the other? Are we so meanly judgmental for someone admitting they are addicted to caffeine as we are to someone who says they are addicted to cocaine? Yet addiction is addiction. No one PLANS on becoming an addict. Just some forms of addiction are more harmful than others.
Then there is the contempt for the obese. No obese person wants to be obese. Ok, never say never, but very few people want to be obese! Just like no addict wants to be an addict. If it were so easy to eat less and move more, would we have the obesity epidemic we are having? You can't exactly tell a person, "You know food makes you fat, so stop eating!!!!" Hmmm...
Now, people get fat for a million reasons. Some of it is using food for comfort. Some is just not caring and eating whatever because it tastes good and some of it is just not being able to stop - like an addict is unable to stop.
A lot of people fall into that last category - myself included. Something is compelling us to eat.
For me it was the insulin in my body from the carbs in my diet that were telling me to eat. I cannot describe to you have strongly they "speak". Or how convincing those messages are to the brain are. I am convinced those voices are similar to a drug addict's voices. My brain is tricked into believing it 'needs' it. It says it's hungry. It says I need that cookie. At the same time there is another, weaker voice that is saying, "you've had enough cookies." "Do you know how many calories are in Oreos?"
But the other voice wins. It says, "Eh, eat that bag of Kettle popcorn. It's not that sweet and you can just not eat lunch to make up for it." Or, "OK, you can have as many oreos as you want. You just skip dinner." Yes, sure. Come dinner time I'm starving and eat a huge dinner. By then I'm also mentally worn out with fighting my brain all day to eat right, so I grab more crap in the evening just because I don't want to fight the mental battle any more. Those DAILY mental battles are exhausting. They are there. Every. Single. Day.
And that is why I have empathy for addicts where I used to feel contempt. I am sure that every time that life gets especially hard, that a quick hit is awfully appealing. And I'm sure every, single day they have to tell themselves, "No!" But once... they get weak and give in... and thus starts the downward spiral they might not ever get out from again.
Fortunately, I've found a way of eating that works for me that shuts down those awful voices - for the most part. Or, I should say, makes them the weaker voice - they never go away. I just need to keep the insulin levels low in my bloodstream so that I don't hear those voices loudly to eat more sugar/carbs. And, to help with that, I need to get enough sleep, manage my stress, and manage my depression... Though... I'm not totally sure what causes what - does the bad eating cause depression or does the depression cause the bad eating? It's hard to tease out!
But with that said, I still need to eat. And like with addicts, those temptations will always be around. There will always be birthdays and holidays and snack tables, etc. And even with the voices muted with better eating, they are still there. They are there for everyone. "Oh, I guess a small piece of cake won't hurt." Says the typical person. "I'll just run a bit more today." And it will be just that - the one piece of cake and the run later. With someone who has sugar/insulin issues? That might be the plan, but eating that piece of cake could lead to a whole meltdown.
And that is why I cannot have contempt for the overweight and why I didn't even when I was at my thinnest 2 summers ago. Because I knew I was one cake away from being right back to where I started. That the only thing that separated me being thinner from me being fatter was how strong those voices got to be.
So, sure, you could say to me or any other person with insulin resistance, "Well, you know what sugar does to you, just don't eat sugar!" Really?" We aren't just talking about cake people. We are talking about bread. Like no more sandwiches with bread ever again. We are talking about pasta - no more spaghetti ever again. We are talking about potatoes and rice and such. Now, imagine going out to eat, or having a family holiday dinner without those things? Now do you get it a bit more?
Sure, some people aren't THAT sensitive, but for most of us, we don't know how much is too much to get us into a relapse - temporary or long term. Sometimes we can nip it in the bud after a day or a week or a month. It depends on a lot of other factors. Sometimes we never nip it in the bud again.
And relapse we do. No one had more eyes on her than Oprah Winfrey, but how many times have we seen her go up and down on the scale? How about Kirstie Alley? Or Jessica Simpson? These are people who have the biggest motivation in the WORLD to stay thin and all the money in the world to help them get and stay thin... and they STILL fell to their demons. They aren't weak. Their demons are just very loud and convincing and hard to keep at bay.
So, that means I know. KNOW that this will be a life long battle for me. I knew that 2 years ago. I knew that all the year I was battling the small up and down gains. But then, I gave in because I didn't have the mental stamina to keep fighting the daily choices of eating. And even then, every. single. day. I would say, "Today I'm going to eat better." And again, like the last time, it took a slap in the face from something outside of me to WAKE UP. Like an addict getting arrested - only then does he/she seek help when they had probably been meaning to quit/stop for months.
Monday, January 21, 2013
I'm hoping maybe I've learned my lesson with sugar
I have now had three 'run-ins' with sugars that have left me fatter, feeling icky, and addicted to getting MORE sugar.
First run-in was Christmas 2011. I took 3 weeks off - mid-December through the first week of January. I enjoyed all the goodies I wanted and I thoroughly enjoyed. I didn't make it to the gym much either - only getting there like twice in 3.5 weeks. In that time I gained 14 pounds (about 7 of which was water weight). It took me about 2 months to lose the rest of that weight.
Then, this summer we went on vacation to Croatia for a month. It really would have been impossible to eat grain/sugar free for that time as everyone eats bread there - and mostly white bread. Even their "dark" bread is mostly white flour. Plus, when you are on vacation, a lot of enjoyment is eating the local food. So, I gained 14 pounds there. Again, about 7 of that was water weight. It took me 2 months to take off the remaining weight. Then, I just got too stressed and time crunched.
I was still going to the gym about 3-4 times a week (two of which being strength training), but I was way too stretched. I had two part time jobs which equalled to over 30 hours a week. Then I had physical therapy 2 hours week (throw in driving and that's another hour). Then, my younger son had three therapies a weeks and with driving that was another 8 hours a week. I was keeping up the house, cooking, cleaning, etc. It was a full-time job PLUS. And I was sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation equals bad food choices, so I was eating more sugars than I should have.
I started to get back on track (but had put on 10 pounds) and then the holidays hit and add to that I got a cortisone shot for my shoulder injury which temporarily affects how I process sugar. Put the holidays and stress and all of that together and I didn't even try to resist the cookies, etc.
That 'unhinging' led to me gaining 30 pounds total. And worse, I felt bad. I had no energy and I felt down in the dumps.
I got myself together, dropped a quick 5 pounds of water weight and now it's back to work to lose the 20 pounds I've gained this fall plus the 5 I hadn't lost yet this late summer.
I have to ask myself, as now I feel better that the sugars are out of my system, "Was the freedom to eat the sugary treats worth it?" Those sugars do more to me than make me fat. They make me feel BAD and worse, I feel out of control as my brain finds it hard to resist sugar when it's pumped full of sugar. It truly is an addiction. And I swear it gets harder and harder to resist each time I indulge in having off days.
I'm hoping these three huge learning moments have really taught me something permanently - that sugary treats are never worth it. They are bad for me on so many levels.
First run-in was Christmas 2011. I took 3 weeks off - mid-December through the first week of January. I enjoyed all the goodies I wanted and I thoroughly enjoyed. I didn't make it to the gym much either - only getting there like twice in 3.5 weeks. In that time I gained 14 pounds (about 7 of which was water weight). It took me about 2 months to lose the rest of that weight.
Then, this summer we went on vacation to Croatia for a month. It really would have been impossible to eat grain/sugar free for that time as everyone eats bread there - and mostly white bread. Even their "dark" bread is mostly white flour. Plus, when you are on vacation, a lot of enjoyment is eating the local food. So, I gained 14 pounds there. Again, about 7 of that was water weight. It took me 2 months to take off the remaining weight. Then, I just got too stressed and time crunched.
I was still going to the gym about 3-4 times a week (two of which being strength training), but I was way too stretched. I had two part time jobs which equalled to over 30 hours a week. Then I had physical therapy 2 hours week (throw in driving and that's another hour). Then, my younger son had three therapies a weeks and with driving that was another 8 hours a week. I was keeping up the house, cooking, cleaning, etc. It was a full-time job PLUS. And I was sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation equals bad food choices, so I was eating more sugars than I should have.
I started to get back on track (but had put on 10 pounds) and then the holidays hit and add to that I got a cortisone shot for my shoulder injury which temporarily affects how I process sugar. Put the holidays and stress and all of that together and I didn't even try to resist the cookies, etc.
That 'unhinging' led to me gaining 30 pounds total. And worse, I felt bad. I had no energy and I felt down in the dumps.
I got myself together, dropped a quick 5 pounds of water weight and now it's back to work to lose the 20 pounds I've gained this fall plus the 5 I hadn't lost yet this late summer.
I have to ask myself, as now I feel better that the sugars are out of my system, "Was the freedom to eat the sugary treats worth it?" Those sugars do more to me than make me fat. They make me feel BAD and worse, I feel out of control as my brain finds it hard to resist sugar when it's pumped full of sugar. It truly is an addiction. And I swear it gets harder and harder to resist each time I indulge in having off days.
I'm hoping these three huge learning moments have really taught me something permanently - that sugary treats are never worth it. They are bad for me on so many levels.
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