Rough day - sort of related to weight loss, but mostly just life

Yesterday morning I went to the doctor's office. That actually went better than I expected. I expected I would have to talk the NP out of more tests immediately (as my fasting blood sugar is borderline). But no, she wants to recheck in 3 months, 6 weeks for thyroid. That was good.

Then I left from there, had breakfast (didn't eat before going as I didn't know if I would need to get bloodwork) and then I took my younger son to school. He was not having a good morning I heard from my husband. He was crying about going to school. If you don't know as you are a new reader, my younger son has high functioning autism. Life is very different living with someone with autism.

Anyway, he opened up to me, which is good, and it seems he hates gym and feels his gym teacher is mean. So, we talked about that and I expressed how happy I was that he was talking with me about it and so on. Communicating feelings is very difficult for him, so this was a good thing. After dropping him off at school, I drove to Virginia, in the rain, for a dentist appointment.

Traffic was slow and some areas were stop and go, but I had given myself a lot of time, so it was not nerve wracking. My cleaning was fine and no new cavities, so that was good. I knew going into the appointment that the new crown was "iffy" as the tooth might need an extended crown, but it fit perfectly and there was no issue. All good so far, except annoying that I had to deal with two medical appointments before noon and my son was crying about school this morning. I grabbed a sandwich for lunch (took off the top bun) and then drove home. I got home just in time to pick up my older son from school. He usually walks, unless it's raining.

I have a few minutes at home to talk with him and check my email and then it's off to get my younger son from school. That is when things went downhill fast.

He had a horrible day at school. He didn't work and refused help. Basically, except for specials (media and gym) he did nothing all day long. He was worried about gym, but that was where he actually had a good part of the day. Go figure.  While talking with the teacher, it went from light drizzle to down pour. I didn't have a coat or umbrella - my son had a rain proof coat. He sensed no urgency in getting to the car quickly and actually slowed down when I tried to speed him up.

I get to the car, I'm soaked. The papers the teacher handed me are wet and I'm mad. So, I yelled at him. I yelled about how that was inappropriate and that when someone says to MOVE they mean to move quickly and now. That hurry means to run or move faster and that I was very mad that he didn't do that.  But... I didn't stop.

Then I yelled at him about his bad day at school. I said that now he had to do that work at home and that he had one job at school and that is to do his work, so DO IT.  He was very upset and I knew I wasn't helping.

When he got home, I changed out of my clothes, got him a snack and we talked calmly. I apologized for my behavior, but that I was feeling very mad and upset because he was not treating me with respect by not listening to me or following directions and I asked how he would feel if I didn't listen to him when I asked him to hurry, etc.

Then... a bit later it was homework time - he's refusing, but I stay calm, but demanding. Once he got going, he was fine. It was during that time he started yawning and then it dawned on me, "Maybe he had one of his sleepless nights that he occasionally has." I asked and he said it was a bad night for sleeping, but with his communication skills, I never know how accurate that is.

Dinner time. Ugh... Full of frustrations. he refuses to sit near the table, but has his chair 2 feet out. he sits sideways and he either eats with his fingers or, if with his fork, he won't let food touch his lips - any food, so he uses his teeth to scrape off the food. We won't allow that, so he goes back to his fingers. And that's a good day. Some days it's a battle to get him to come to the table. This table manners went down this year. We need to start seeing a feeding specialist and I will make that appointment probably today after the school's IEP meeting.

Later, he was playing with the balloon he got yesterday. He decided to sit on it and as you can expect, it popped - another burst of tears and frustration of "Now what can we do?" Like I was somehow supposed to fix the popped, big balloon. We talk about it and how he's sad about it and we tried to find solutions. Best I could do was blow up a non-helium, small, balloon. It helped, but he was just having a day of it.

It was a rough, rough day and we've had a lot of them this winter as this school year has been very hard. He has so many issues to work through and I don't know how to get through to him and I feel like I'm paddling alone. My husband is supportive, but not proactive. If I want things to change or to try things with Henry, it's up to me to implement it, but it's exhausting and I always feels I'm doing this in the dark. It's not like all kids with autism behave the same way or that a strategy that works for one, might work for another. It's tough.

The good news about it though is that I didn't self-medicate with food. Since I had a big lunch, I ate just a protein bar for dinner and I was satisfied... but I did notice myself eying the cookies in the drawer. I resisted. Yep... food is my drug of choice for coping. I have got to somehow retrain my brain!!! And, if possible, I need to be able to reduce my stress load!

So, it was a rough day. This morning, the little guy woke up sad. I thought it was about school, but he said he is sad about his balloon. He did perk up and went in to school feeling much better than yesterday, so I'll hope for a better day. In a few minutes, I have my son's IEP meeting. We need to come up with new strategies. What's in place now is not working. And we need to come up with some new strategies at home too. Which means more change and more turning things upside down and man... even that sounds exhausting.

Good think my blood pressure is under control and my thyroid is on the road to being better. I'm going to need all the "good stuff" I can get.

But at least it will be a gorgeous day today! I have to find the positive where I can!

I feel so petty, but as my psychiatrist said to me years ago...

... my problems are my problems and I shouldn't try to minimize them by comparing them to other people's problems as I can always find someone with bigger problems than I have.

Days after a bombing in Boston at the finish line of the Boston Marathon where 3 people lost their lives, over 150 were injured and countless people were traumatized by the event; Hours after the senate has decided to shoot down the only promising gun legislation; a few months after the Newtown shootings where too many little children were murdered in their classrooms, I'm feeling sad for my own circumstances.

I've mentioned before that I have a son with autism. I also have a son who has strong ADHD. My older son, is very intelligent, independent minded, likable, considerate and loving. But he is a terrible academic student due to his disorganization. This past marking period was his worst ever - his junior year in high school. I'm looking at his college opportunities shrivel and I worry about his future.

Then today I went to the IEP meeting for my son in 2nd grade. The school is excellent at helping him with his needs, but he struggles. He needs help every day with reading, writing and math. Not with the subject material, but with engaging in the material and doing it. It's getting better, but he still needs 6 hours and 30 minutes a week of support.  Add to that, this child that started reading at age four has now been bumped down a reading level because of his comprehension level and now my real fears begin to appear. I know he has problems with comprehension and not just with books, but with language period. He can mimic anything, but he doesn't decipher it well. Then throw in his difficulties with getting stuck in routines and difficulty with peer interactions.

Everyone likes him as he's sweet and considerate and cute, but how far will that take him? How far will he lag behind? Just as he catches up and goes to above grade in math, he is struggling in language based subjects, which I knew would eventually happen.

Then, after school, we went to a science fair planning meeting. Now, all the kids were antsy as they had been in classes all day, but my child? flapping, pacing, totally disengaged unless made to engage and I could see it was literally painful for him to engage. I watch his like aged peers giggle with each other and chitter-chatter and then see my son pacing in the back of the room, flapping, in his own world and I worry.

There are times I get so hopeful. On Monday we had real, true, back and forth conversation. It was wonderful. I jump with joy every time I see new behaviors that have been delayed, but then I get slammed with reality. His one step forward is still 10 steps behind everyone else. And his autism is very high functioning. And I feel bad for having woe is me moments when as far as the spectrum goes, he's doing so well in mainstream classrooms with just a little support, but where will this lead him?

And I hate that I hate autism. When we were trying to conceive him, I begged my body to not give me an autistic child. I got a lump in my throat every time I met another parent who had an autistic child. So many of my husband's peers had autistic children. After my son was born and I saw he gave good eye contact and engaged with me, I sighed in relief, but even then, very early on, I started to worry as one thing after another seemed a bit delayed.

I struggle with myself in wondering, "did I cause this?" I've posted about it before but was my blood sugars an issue? My blood pressure? My diet? My obesity?  Our combined maternal and paternal ages me (35) and my husband (38)?

And as he grows and my older son grows I wonder, "Are my expectations too high?" Is it right for me to expect my highly intelligent son who suffers from very debilitating ADHD to get into good colleges? TO even go to college straight from HS, versus community college? Do I push him too hard or not enough?

And same with my younger son. Am I expecting him to be to function too well by always having him in mainstreamed activities? Should he even be doing a science fair? Should he go to school or be home schooled? Am I coddling him too much? or not enough? For either of them?

Days like today I feel like my kids have such huge battles in front of them and I don't know if I've done well by them. I know I could have done better and could do better, but even if I did things perfectly, would it be enough? Probably not.

It's just one of those "wow... this parenting gig is hard" days. But now to the gym to try to work some of these frustrations out.