Maybe some of you all can understand this. It's hard to understand it myself, but it's my reality. Yesterday, I wanted to see how many calories water aerobics/toning burned as I didn't trust my iphone app's calculation (seems it was right), and on this online site I needed to add my weight to get the right number of calories burned. I had to think for a second, and then was shocked to feel/believe my current weight and then I typed in 205. It has been an eon since I weighed that 'little' and it was only for a bleep of time.
Shows how twisted my brain is - to think that 205 is 'light'. But then I was 275 8 years ago for a year (was about 240-250 for years before that), 265 for six years after that and 255 for only the last year. Me... 205... Wow! I'm so small! Small? That is still very heavy!
Of course, I plan to pass this right up for smaller numbers, but most people would feel HUGE at this weight! Would cry if they got to this weight. Yet, I feel so small. Twisted, huh? But... that's when I'm fully dressed - I can look over the round stomach and flabby arms. I can wear normal clothes now from a normal store. That is SMALL in my little world because it's something I had to give up about 18 years ago except for one short summer I dropped weight. Doesn't mean I'm done, I'm just enjoying this 'smallness'.
However, I feel smaller only when fully clothes. I feel huge and fat and ugly when naked. I was saying that yesterday morning as my husband and I were getting ready for the day. He looked at me and said, "You do not look the same. That is distorted thinking." I explained it's that I have the same imperfections and they look the same. The same gut, the same saggy breasts (which sag even more now that there is less fat to hold them up). The same big, flabby thighs and arms. My husband said again, "that is messed up thinking because everything is looking better." I tried to explain that I 'know' that I'm smaller, but all I can see is everything that's wrong. A beach looking body will never happen from this body, but I hope at some point I stop feeling like an elephant seal. When I'm dressed, I don't see all that, but naked - ooooo boy, ugly! Of course, my husband has a really nice trim body (not some body builder type, but no gut, no flab). He's a good looking guy naked or clothed. Clothes are my disguise.
And when I start looking at my body when I'm naked and I'm staring at all this flab, I begin to wonder if the 175 is too high of a goal, but I will switch that only when I get closer and only if maintaining that lower weight is doable. It's all about how easy it will be to maintain a given weight. And what's very likely is that the last ten pounds or so, no matter what numbers they are, will be a slow, steady weight loss to get there as it will basically be the body reaching it's maintenance level (I will not do crazy stuff to get to a number on the scale). But I am beginning to wonder, "Will I be happy with my weight at 175? Can I live with a litte extra flab if that is where my body settles? Can I really accept my body for what it is? Or will I strive for as close to perfection as I can get?
Now, of course, that is really distorted thinking because I lived with tons of flab and tons of weight for soooooo long and I just ignored it or didn't deal with it. Why then when I look in the mirror and see all those imperfections, do I sometimes get into the all or nothing mentality? I don't always go there with the brain, but I do go there sometimes and I don't like it. This is about leading a healthier lifestyle and something I can do for life. I don't want to aim for perfection in how I look if it means I'm miserable with my eating and excessive exercise habits. I don't want to risk disordered eating to deal with disordered thinking. Does that make sense to any one?
Of course, with all this talk of feeling 'small' when I see myself clothed in the mirror is kind of a good thing. It's important that I like seeing my progress and that I feel good in my skin (as long as it's clothed). But, what's funny is that in 20 pounds or so, I'll look at my 'now' body and feel it looked so huge and wonder "why was I thinking I looked small?" Our mind does such funny tricks!
Stats for 6/3/11:
Beginning Weight: 255.6 Now: 204.2 (almost 51 and a half pounds lost)
Exercise total hours/minutes in 2011: 176.25
Total Walked/Biked Miles in 2011: 462.8
Melissa where did you get the pizza weight tracker? Did you make that yourself or get it elsewhere?
ReplyDeleteThere was a freebie clip art with one slice of pizza missing. Then I just erase a slice for each 10 pounds I lose.
ReplyDeleteI juSt thought the pizza pie was a cute image as I had 80 pounds to lose and pizzas are usually divided into 8 slices. Losing weight with 10 pound mini goals of being able to erase the pizza slice has been amazingly motivational for some reason.
ReplyDeleteYes I can understand your thinking; it's a really good idea and seems really motivational to me also.
ReplyDelete