My thoughts about weight numbers and how weight is gained

I am feeling great! I am wearing a size smaller, my teenager even noticed I'm looking a bit thinner and I am stoked to keep continuing, but I also have some weird thoughts about some of those magic numbers I've talked about before.

I'm now close to 15 pounds lost (gained a bit today - I blame sodium intake from yesterday, so, no biggee really). When I get to 238, that's the weight I was after my son was born (got pregnant at 265, was 238 six weeks postpartum). How did I get back up to 265? Worse, I was 235 when I started my last major weight loss. So, when I hit the 20 pounds lost THIS time, it will be where I started over a decade ago. And worse than that even, I used to weigh 20 pounds more than THIS starting weight. I gained 90 pounds in a bit over a decade if you count my last weight loss. Was 235, got to 185 in about 9 months, gained it all back VERY quickly (like in a year) and added another 40 pounds within about 4 years after that.

I can't look backwards, except to learn lessons I guess. I just feel a bit of a pang that I will feel good about reaching 20 lbs lost where I felt HORRIBLE when I was that weight a decade ago and then took off 50 - just to binge it up 90 pounds in 5 years there. That super fast weight gain scared the crap out of me because I was so out of control with my eating. That fear has kept me from trying for over a decade. I was so afraid of doing that again.

While I don't have that fear now, at least not up front in my head, I still wish I understood how and why that happened. If I could understand it, I could maybe prevent such a mindset ever happening again, but all I can come up with is that I stopped caring and just ate whatever. The gaining the 50 pounds right back I can't explain at all. The bit after that I can a bit. During that time I ate dorm food again and I'm SURE that was a big part of it because as soon as I got away from it, the weight did come down. But then I gained 30 back fairly quickly after my son was born, but I wasn't sleeping and surviving the day from quick carbs. But those explanations sound weak. Was there more to it? I probably will never know.

As my husband said, I need to look forward. And I am. Back to real exercise today as my friend is back in Iowa. Treadmill is in the basement, just needs to be dusted off and then I'm back to the routine.

Yesterday was the slated measurements day, but I forgot with guests in town. Not much movement there this week, but wtih almost no exercise, I'm not surprised. Onwards we go!

Stats for 2/21/11:

Beginning Weight: 255.6   Now: 241.2
Exercise hours in 2011: 46 hours
Walking miles in 2011: 155 (goal of 1000)

Measurements:

Beginning Bust: 47   Now: 46
Beginning Waist: 43 Now: 40
Beginning Hips: 50  Now: 49
Beginning Thighs: 30  Now: 28.5
Beginning Biceps: 17.75  Now 16.5