I started this blog a few days ago and I wasn't sure I wanted to share it or not. I was viewing it as my online diary. I didn't really care if people I didn't know read it or not, but I wasn't sure it was something I was ready to open up about to those around me.
I know it probably seems odd that I would seem guarded as I seem to share much of my life, but believe it or not, I do find it hard to be open and share the most intimate of things, even with family. I hold them until I'm ready to open up. Now, of course, I open up much faster and more completely than most and there's a reason for it. I used to share nothing. I kept it all inside and I learned that all that did was hurt me and gave the secrets, usually painful things, power. As soon as I released the secrets, they lost their power and I could move on and heal. A side effect is that it oftentimes seems to help other people too - to see someone open up and share about something they are feeling too, but are/were too afraid to share.
I discovered this in college and have tried to keep secrets from haunting me ever since. This weight thing though, and now this health thing has been a constant haunting. I don't hide that I'm overweight - as I wear it, but I do hide my health and my feelings about the weight as I'm ashamed of it.
Today, in 2010, is the worst time to be overweight. Kind of ironic, isn't it? When more and more people are battling the bulge? I truly believe that the overweight are the last 'group' where it is OK to openly discriminate against. It's the only group I hear targeted and bullied that is accepted. I don't see a campaign like, "it gets better" for those teenagers who are overweight and suffering terribly. And the reason is, people see they have a choice to be fat or not. They made themselves fat, so they are fair game to discrimination and ridicule.
Of course, if you asked anyone who is overweight if they like being overweight, they will say "No". And we all know how to lose weight, but then why are we getting fatter? Why don't we lose weight.
I know and have known how to control my weight for years. I know how to lose it slowly and healthily. But it's not easy and it's a life long journey. Look at Oprah to see how true that is. See, those who have never really had a weight problem don't get it. People get overweight from more than just not exercising and eating too much. They get overweight from eating emotionally, their genes, their fat cells screaming that they are starving and from learned bad habits. While my husband gained a few pounds for a few years, he'll never be fat because, A. he eats for nutritional needs only. B. his entire family is thin. C. he learned to eat well as a child and young adult and doesn't have the taste for fatty comfort foods. He can go years without exercising and his weight won't change much. He can indulge over the holidays and lose those extra 5 pounds in spring and summer where he prefers lighter foods.
Me on the other hand, grew up on heavier foods, nearly everyone in my family is overweight, learned bad habits with food and exercise and I'm pretty sure my genes work against me. And those darn fat cells.
This is what I think has kept me from trying to lose weight again. See, 13 years ago I lost 50 pounds (gained it all back plus some). I did it exactly right. I exercised every day and ate a Weight Watcher's diet - but would eat more if I felt hungry - never starving myself, never forbidding foods. I was so proud of myself. I felt great and strong. And then one day 'it' hit. I don't know how to describe it, but one day I just needed to eat, and eat, and eat. At the same time, I changed jobs, my hours were long and screwy and I couldn't keep up with the exercise - getting up at 5 am meant my toddler woke up too. I would try to stop, but couldn't. I was watching myself balloon back up and I felt like I had no control over it and quite honestly, it scared the crap out of me. In less than a year, I gained it all back and added 20 pounds more. How after all that hard work could I just throw it away? And since then I've made feeble attempts, but never seriously. I think I've been afraid it would happen again.
In the past year I've been wanting to get back into exercise, but felt like crap. I had seen twice in the last 7 years I had dropped weight and not gained it back. It was giving me confidence that maybe I could do it? But I felt so bad and tired that I couldn't get my act in gear. Well, now I know why I felt so bad - my health was bad. But now with feeling better and with feeling my back is against the wall of now or never, I have to try again, with all my might. And if I don't make it this time, I will seriously consider surgery options. There is no more waiting to get rid of this weight. I HAVE TO DO IT NOW.
Anyway, a lot of ramblings. I hate being fat. I probably can tell anyone how to eat right and live right, so why am I wearing this fat suit and ruining my life?
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